Category Archives: Mental Health and Relationships

TAKING RESPONSIBILITY AND TOXIC PEOPLE

I had surgery to replace my Ureteral Stents on May 14th. My twin sister drove me because my Dad has dialysis on Mondays. As soon as she got in the car I felt the tension. I was already feeling anxious and wasn’t allowed to take any of my Bipolar medications before the surgery. I don’t remember what started it. I think I started crying and it annoyed her. We also got lost on the way to the Hospital and she refused to listen to me. She wanted to drop me off at the door. I told her she had to come in and talk to them so they knew I actually had a ride home.

She wanted to valet park my car and I didn’t understand why when you could park yourself for free. She wasn’t paying for it. I always feel weird about valet parking. It’s a Hospital, you don’t need to valet park. This annoyed her further.

She didn’t want to come back with me while I waited for them to take me into surgery. One of the nurses must have said something to her because she eventually came back to sit with me. It was a mistake.

She was showing me pictures of my nephews. I love them more than anything. I didn’t know the older one spoke in front of the Mayor and 300 people on behalf of the Little League. They looked so grown up. Of course I started to tear up.

My sister said “You know you can come over any time and see them”. I looked at her with my mouth open. I then said “I have to wait for your husband to leave the house first?”. She didn’t answer right away. Then she said “Neither one of us like your behavior or how you don’t take responsibility for anything you say or do”. That was the beginning of the end.

The anesthesiologist came into the room to talk to me while my sister was there. He came back after she left. He asked if I was okay. I told him I was fine. He said he was asking because I have a history of not wanting to come out of the anesthesia.

Nothing went well. They blew a vein in my IV, one of the stents became embedded and encrusted, someone taped my top lip to the breathing tube and didn’t realize it until they pulled it out taking the skin of my lip with it, and they couldn’t wake me.

After 3 hours I woke up. The anesthesiologist came in again. He said that he knew I was upset before going under and that it can’t happen again. He said at some point I’ll stay under because of my Conversion Disorder diagnosis. When I’m stressed, anxious, or sad I don’t always have control of neurological functions. It’s scary.

All of this made me realize the people around me are not going to change. I have to change how I react, my environment, and how I cope. I also need to recognize toxic people and situations.

TO BE CONTINUED…..be5d9e9599909984881e21c7036e306e

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Easy Breezy

1974372_10203801673429154_2743617788152765748_oI’ve said it before but I’ll remind you that I really don’t have anyone in my life to ask stupid questions. Questions like, “Do you like this vacation rental?”, “Do you think it’s too much?”, “Are they supposed to charge for that?”, or “Do these pants make me look fat?”. lol Ok I really don’t care about the last question.

I bought a one way ticket to Florida that leaves on August 20th and I have to book a place soon to stay. I was looking at Homeaway but there are a lot of fees connected, driving the price up. When you first see $129/night for a 3 bedroom, 2 bath, house with a pool on the water you think “YAY!!”. Then you click on it and it turns into $4,000 for 12 days. “BOO!!”.

Someone at Capital One wasn’t paying attention and gave me a credit card with 0% APR for a year so that’s what I’m using for this trip. I still want to be careful. I want to pay it off as soon as possible and not fall into old bad habits with money that brought me to Bankruptcy.

I’ve just been afraid lately that this might be the last time I’m able to really travel. I want to see a few relatives that are important to me. My Auntie Lee is my mom’s sister and just like her except almost always happy and blond. We were very close and I love her. She’s getting older and my health is getting worse. My kidney is having some issues which scares me. No one is really taking any of it seriously except for me. My dad has his own health issues and is worried about his birds. He’s also been accessorizing his truck for some weird unknown reason. He thinks he’s on an episode of “Pimp My Ride”.

My sister just came back from her 10th vacation this summer and when she called she only wanted to talk about herself. Not exactly a surprise. She wasn’t happy at my attitude. The pharmacy gave me my medication made by another new company that they do not have a complete ingredient list for. Of course after a week on it I already know it’s crap. I also know that they won’t let me exchange it or do anything about it because it’s a generic of Adderall. They don’t realize how many of these overseas companies still use gluten as a binder and the medication’s efficacy is dramatically changed. I am a zombie who cries all day. Thank you so much CVS!

I do have good news. My brother came over with his son, my oldest nephew. He’s going to an excellent college. When I say excellent it’s an understatement. I’m so proud of him. He’s kind and smart. I showed him my blog and he said “I love you Auntie Day”. Too bad his older sister doesn’t see me the same way. She has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and has aimed her cruelty and violence at me on more than one occasion.

I am petrified to go on this vacation. It’s more expensive than I thought it would be and I’m not sure my relatives in the area are going to have time for me. Part of me is sad and part of me accepts that. I’m also afraid something will happen to my dad while I’m gone. If it does than I break my agreement and find the first flight home right? It’s a 4 and 1/2 hour flight. I hate that I have to reassure myself constantly instead of being able to just go with it. My sister’s input of “That’s stupid” or “Are you crazy?” hasn’t exactly helped matters.

Before my brother in law knew me as well as he does now he would say to my twin sister “Why can’t you be more like your sister? You know, easy breezy?”. She would respond with “Because she’s on drugs asshole!”. He would laugh at this. It went on for years until he finally understood that I just laughed and went along with what everyone said to avoid confrontation and because I was medicated. It wasn’t until the day everything bubbled up like a volcano that he learned.

I wish I could be easy breezy and let things go instead of going over every possibility of what can and will go wrong 1,000 times a day until I want to vomit. I am my father’s daughter.

The picture was taken at The Naples Zoo in Florida when I last visited. I enjoyed my time there and felt at home with the atmosphere. I have to try to remember that.


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