Category Archives: Moods

Blue, With Thoughts of Black

I had a wonderful day yesterday with my sister and nephews. We went to the RISD museum. I hadn’t been before but they had many times. My nephews are so great. One is 7 the other is 5. They know not to touch anything or even put their hands on the glass. I was so impressed. You don’t even have to tell them. My sister took 2 beautiful pictures of me with my nephews. There are not a lot of photos of me. I loved these with me and my boys. I really did.

Well I accidentally erased them. I’m heartbroken. I’ve been so sick lately and the first day I feel well to do something with family and get it on film I erase it.

The people I know that are supposed to be my “friends” I let know through Facebook because it’s easier and they all have busy lives and some are family in different states that I was seeing the Nephrologist, Hematologist/Oncologist, and then going back to the Urologist to schedule a biopsy. I received absolutely NO RESPONSE from anyone. Not aunts, uncles, my brother, cousins, nothing. No one gives a crap. My father and sister do and I’m grateful for that. But they have a lot going onĀ themselves, I don’t want to be a burden. I would talk to my best friend but I’m having trouble with that because of the following.

At my best friend’s 4th of July party I learned her other friend was supposed to drop over with her boyfriend. It’s a good thing she didn’t. Her boyfriend happens to be the man I use to drink with for 7 years until he beat me up one night to the point I was choking on my own blood and couldn’t breathe. After that he threw me down a flight of stairs, there were about 20 of them.

I was hurt and appalled that my friend was going to allow him in her house or on her property. I asked her about it and she said ” he’s her boyfriend what am I supposed to do?”. She has been friends with this other girl since they were little but not like we are friends. I asked her if her boyfriend was ok with it because he’s protective of me and knew the situation. “He’s not ok with it but there isn’t anything he can do either, he won’t go out of his way to be friendly but he won’t be mean”. Way to go guys! Thanks for having my back!

It’s a good possibility the Conversion Disorder diagnosis comes from that incident. I startle easily, specifically with loud men, I’m worse when aggressive men are around me, when my father is upset it effects me, if my father knocks too loudly on the door of the bathroom while I’m in it, I start crying and stuttering. I wasn’t like this before. A few weeks ago my dad was joking around and came in from the kitchen and threw a potholder towards me. I jumped so high and started shaking it was ridiculous. My poor dad had tears in eyes. He used to joke like that all the time no problem. I used to laugh and throw it back. Now there’s no laughter.

A true diagnosis of Conversion Disorder is kind of rare. You have to meet certain criteria to be correctly diagnosed. Unfortunately too many doctors will diagnose a patient with Conversion Disorder when they just don’t know what’s going on. I’ll be doing a post on the subject soon with more information.

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