Monthly Archives: March 2018

WORLD BIPOLAR DAY

It’s World Bipolar Day.

I have to say I’m almost back to where I started from.

I’m still Above Ground but not for lack of trying. While drinking I tried to kill myself 5 times. The only reason I did not succeed was because I was too drunk.

Things change for you when you actually die and it isn’t your choice. It scares the shit out of you and you view things differently. For awhile anyway.

When you start to notice that the people you love were not impacted by you being in the ICU and being resuscitated you start to give up again.

I’m back to feeling invisible. The stuttering is bad. I watch my Dad’s face as I try to talk. I see anger and frustration so I stop talking. I am not allowed to cry anymore. If he sees or hears me crying I will be yelled at.

I had saved money to try living on my own for 6 months to a year. When I told my Dad all of a sudden he said he was broke and needed more money from me. I gave it to him. This is on top of the bills I pay. Now I don’t have the money to leave. He never talks to me but doesn’t want me to leave. He’s told me things lately that have been so hurtful I can only hide in my room.

My twin sister doesn’t care what’s going on she just shuts her phone off. I have no one to talk to except myself and the dogs.

I haven’t rescheduled my stent surgery like I was supposed to. Part of me doesn’t care. There’s pain on both sides of my back, my pelvis, my head hurts more than anything and I keep falling down. I can’t eat. I don’t care.

No one talks to me. I don’t matter to anyone in my family or my one friend. Why should I bother? Is it worth it to be this alone, filled with anxiety and grief? I’m not sure anymore.1979209_903471546381316_2376864659380596718_o

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I SEE YOU

I watched you on YouTube the other day. I was shocked but not surprised. I was more angry than anything. Seeing the blue lips, bloated face, under eye bags, and the bloated stomach made me want to cry or punch you in the face.

You’ve continuously lied about your sobriety throughout the years. I knew you probably lasted a month or two, something wouldn’t go your way and you would be back to where you started.

I also know that you believe drinking wine instead of Jack Daniels means you’re doing better or you’re not “that bad”. I also know that your drinking has cost you career opportunities, lost friendships, and drastically changed your appearance. In your business appearance is part of the job.

You use juvenile behavior and humor to cover up the pain you don’t want to deal with. I noticed this in the 90s when you first started to get into trouble.

No one wakes up and says “I love wine so much, it tastes so good that I think I’ll drink it all day until my lips and teeth are permanently stained blue, I lose my looks, my career, friends and family”.

We drink because there’s a pain or something missing that we don’t know how to explain or deal with. Whether it’s grief, abuse, mental illness, etc. it’s there and instead of recognizing it we self medicate. Sometimes we aren’t capable of recognizing it. We something isn’t right, we different than other people, but we don’t know why and are afraid to find out. It’s easier to self medicate than deal with the real issues.

In the back of my mind I knew from young age I was different. Who wants to admit that they aren’t “normal”? No one. You do whatever you can to fit in no matter the damage it causes.

You will never get better if you don’t ask WHY you started drinking or using drugs in the first place. What were you feeling that first time? I know what I was feeling at that exact moment. I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t pretty, I couldn’t talk, I didn’t look like other girls, I was too quiet, no one was going to like me, I was fat, everyone was going to laugh at me, I could go on and on. After my first few drinks all of those thoughts and feelings vanished.

It’s difficult watching people going down that same self destructive road. I can’t exactly contact them and tell them what I think. First they would think I was insane and it doesn’t work that way.

For some people there is no “rock bottom”. They will drink themselves to death. I would’ve. I had plenty of moments that for anyone else would have been “rock bottoms” yet I continued drinking.

The one thing that helped me to stop was learning why I was drinking.

Once I was diagnosed as Bipolar w/Social Anxiety Disorder and PTSD I finally understood why I felt the way I did from such a young age. I had stopped drinking before my diagnosis but it was extremely difficult. I was staying sober by locking myself in the house. It was no way to live. Finding out there was an underlying reason made a huge difference.

I won’t say I’m in a great place now because I’m not. But it has more to do with my physical health interfering with my mental health. At least I know what the problem is and know how to deal with it.

 


MENTAL HEALTH~ EVERYONE HAS A TELL

I don’t know about other people with Mental Health issues but I know I have specific signs or symptoms when I’m in a dark place. I’ve noticed them in other people and found out later that they are diagnosed as Bipolar or have Social Phobia or both.

What I do and what I’ve seen other people do is the following.

I stop talking or keeping in touch with people.

I tap my foot, rock back and forth, or do some sort of soothing repetitive action.

I hold my head a lot like I have a headache.

I stare at nothing but a million thoughts will be running through my mind. None of them positive.

I have a harder time concentrating or remembering things.

I have trouble leaving the house.

I isolate myself.

I don’t eat much.

I don’t take care of myself physically even if I’m sick I’ll ignore it.

I look for ways to feel worse.

My eyes are dull and I don’t really smile. If I do it isn’t real.

I have no ambition to do anything.

I feel like I want to go home. Like I’m in the wrong place.

No one ever really notices when I’m at my worse. I guess they’re just used to it so they leave me alone. How I could possibly be any more alone than I already am I don’t know.

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SOCIAL MEDIA AND MENTAL HEALTH

Social Media has become toxic for me. I’m an emotional person or someone who doesn’t have great control of their emotions. I often respond to comments or what I see immediately without thinking. Later I over think about how I responded.

Was my response too much? Did I sound crazy? Am I now Blocked or Muted? I then worry so much my daily headache becomes a sledgehammer and my stomach is in knots. All of this over responses on social media that half the time most people don’t read.

Then I get upset thinking that no one is reading my comments or cares what I have to say. I don’t matter.

Then I have the other problem of when someone responds to what I’ve written and it happens to be a known musician. I can’t be happy about it because I know the trolls are coming. And sure enough I’ll have a message in my DM box supposedly from the musician who liked something I wrote except it’s not really them!!

This pisses me off to no end. It took 2 months to get rid of fake Steven Tyler. Not one person from Mr. Tyler’s team could take a second to say “Yes we know about this guy and we’re handling it”. If John 5 can do it I think Steven Tyler has enough people to do it also.

I shouldn’t have to teach myself hacking and private investigating skills to take care of the situation myself. This person got my cell number, I was receiving 10 texts a night. I would block them and he would get around it, all the while insisting he was Steven Tyler.

The person was relentless. He didn’t want money, a bank account number, social security number, or anything else he just kept saying he wanted “true love”. He’s more delusional than I am if he thought that was the way to go about it.

What was making me angry was watching all the women that honestly believed he was Steven Tyler. I’m suspicious by nature and have major trust issues so I wasn’t going to fall for it unless he showed up in a private jet at walked out of it as the real Steven Tyler. I’m not an idiot. Unfortunately when you’re honest about mental illness and addiction people assume you are.

All of a sudden they talk louder and slower like I’m hard of hearing and 5 years old. Sometimes I laugh and sometimes I feel an itch in my right palm because I want to punch them. It’s worse when doctors do it.

I was on Twitter looking up Antique Clock Dealers when for some reason James Woods showed up. I’ve seen him at auctions but not for clocks so I clicked on his Twitter account to see if he changed hobbies. Bad idea.

I should’ve known I would be subjected to Mr. Woods political opinions. The big one was how many “Millions of children have been murdered by abortion in the last 40 years”. Now I’m pretty sure he hasn’t adopted any children, I’m also sure he can’t even take his mother’s dog to PetSmart without being rude and condescending to woman at the counter. I’ve also seen him literally push an elderly man out of his way during an auction. He messed with the wrong old guy because he got sharp elbow in the ribs for his bad behavior. I laughed. (It was my Dad doing the elbowing) I was going to comment on his Twitter account but I was able to control myself. Yay!

Last week I listened to Dark Matter Radio with Dave Navarro except Dave wasn’t there. The group was discussing homeless people and how they probably make more money than they do by panhandling. Some other comments were made. I admit it hit a nerve.

I wrote to them discreetly a story about a man with Schizophrenia who never panhandled. He did odd jobs for an old man that owned a gas station. He chose to be homeless because being forced to take the medications that made him grind his teeth, drool, and shake uncontrollably was too much. Yes, he self-medicated with Heroin for years and contracted HIV. He lived many years with HIV until 2 years ago when he passed away from AIDS related pneumonia. I explained that this man was kind, generous, and funny. His favorite joke was “What’s black and white, black and white, black and white?” I would say “What?” already knowing the answer “A nun falling down the stairs!” He would laugh like a little kid and hug me goodbye. He was my Uncle. I loved him.

I wanted them to see homeless people in different way. I received a response of “Thanks for sharinf” Yup, it was spelled wrong. Who knows who read it but I doubt it was the people who needed to.

As a side note, my Dad told me yesterday he didn’t think he was ever really capable of loving another person. I asked him “Not anyone? Your mother? Sisters or brothers?”. He said “Maybe my mother but that’s it”. No mention of my mother, or his children. How am I supposed to deal with that? My sister said it was my own fault for talking to him. I don’t get it. So I’m on my own. I can’t really enjoy anything lately. Even music makes things worse or I feel let down somehow. Feelin’ broke can’t get fixed.steven-tyler-womens-shelter-920x584dave-navarro


THE BEAST INSIDE

Sometimes I want to rage at everyone, all the liars, the manipulators, the insensitive ones, the ones who can’t look me in the eye or make time for me.

It was easy when I drank to release the beast inside. I screamed, threw things, swung my fists at the nearest offender.

The problem is there will always be a bigger, badder, beast than you. When that day comes it changes you.

You swallow any anger, rage, resentment, fear, sadness, for as long as you can. You are too afraid to release any of it because of that one moment you were crushed, broken into a million pieces.

There was nothing left of you after that. Your smile never quite reached your eyes again, your laughter sounded forced, fake, at least to your own ears. No one else noticed you just going through the motions. No one noticed how jumpy you became when a door slammed or voices were raised. How you had to have your back to a wall so you could see every person coming and going. NO ONE NOTICED.

They now notice a sliver of the beast creeping out here and there. Eventually you get full, you can only swallow so much.

What happens when the beast is set completely free? Self-destruction is the only hand I have left to play.

Everyone has gone. I stayed silent too long or not long enough depending on who you ask.

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NO COMMUNICATION

I went into Kidney Failure again, I should’ve recognized the signs but didn’t. All they could do is get rid of the excess fluid backed up in my one good kidney. They couldn’t do much else because I’m too sick to operate on right now. They sent me home late yesterday.

My white blood cell count and red blood cell count are both down, my blood pressure is would suggest I’m already dead, my temperature was 100 degrees but is now staying at 94 degrees. I have a headache that would make a Super Hero cry, I can’t even tell you about my sinuses and phlegm problem because I still hope to have at least 1 date before I die.

As usual I couldn’t reach my twin sister to tell her I was in the ICU. My Dad is also sick right now so he couldn’t be with me. She did text me back eventually. After I got out of the Hospital.

I haven’t talked out loud to anyone very much in the last year. My Dad is usually miserable and I’m afraid I’ll set him off. My twin sister doesn’t answer her phone but will sometimes send me a text. I told her today that I’m having trouble with the loneliness, I’m talking to myself, Dad’s yelling at me constantly and it would be nice to just talk about current events or TV shows we both watch because it’s bad.

She sent me a text 3 hours later that she “had” to nap a lot today but she “might” give me a call later.

I’m really feeling done.

When I mentioned I might spend 6 months to a year in Florida with my Aunt all of a sudden my Dad says he has no money and needs more money from me for bills. I’ve given him $2,000 in the last month and a half. There went the money I was going to use towards my lease/rental. I know it’s on purpose and he has money.

No one wants to be around me, no one wants to talk to me, but they don’t want me to leave.

My entire life they never had a problem leaving me behind. In many different ways. Physically and emotionally.

I’m always watching from behind trying to catch up, trying to belong, jumping up and down whispering “pick me, pick me”, they never have and after this long I don’t think they ever will. loneliness-wide


KIDNEY DISEASE AND MENTAL HEALTH

KIDNEYS

Kidneys are 2 bean shaped organs about the size of a fist. They’re located just below the rib cage, one on each side of the spine. They filter about 120-150 quarts of blood to produce about 1-2 quarts of urine.

HOW THEY WORK

Blood enters the kidneys through an artery from the heart. The blood is then cleaned by passing through millions of tiny blood filters. Waste material passes through the ureter and is stored in the bladder as urine. Newly cleaned blood returns to the bloodstream by way of veins. When the bladder becomes full the urine passes out of the body through the urethra.

WHAT CAUSES CHRONIC KIDNEY DISEASE OR FAILURE

Diabetes and High Blood Pressure are the most common reasons for Chronic Kidney Disease (CKD) or Kidney Failure.

What many people don’t know is that over the counter painkillers and illegal drugs like heroin also damage the kidneys. 3-5% of new cases of CKD each year is caused by the overuse of painkillers like NSAIDS.

Drinking large amounts of dark colored soft drinks is also linked to to a higher risk of developing CKD. Early detection can help prevent the progression of kidney disease to kidney failure.

There are also inherited diseases, autoimmune diseases and malformations that occur while a baby develops in the womb that cause a narrowing that prevents a normal outflow of urine and causes urine to flow back up to the kidneys damaging them in the process.

KNOW YOUR URINE

The color of your urine says a lot about your kidney health.

  • Clear/Pale yellow: Good means you’re well hydrated
  • Dark Yellow: Dehydrated
  • Pink/Reddish: Can be caused by food or blood in your urine
  • Foaming/Fizzy: Protein is in your urine and is an early sign of kidney disease

There should never be protein in your urine. If your Doctor finds protein in your urine more than once it means CKD is present. Do not dismiss this finding.

OTHER MEDICATIONS

It isn’t just Lithium that damages your liver and kidneys. Long term use of most psychiatric medications can cause kidney damage. Prozac is the one listed the most. Cholesterol medications have also been known to damage the kidneys.

MY STORY

My Primary Care Doctor had told me several times over the years that there was blood and protein in my urine. She eventually sent me to a specialist who said “Sometimes people just have blood and protein in their urine”. This is false. 

I began to lose weight rapidly and had no appetite. My Doctor saw my weight loss as a good thing because I was 250 pounds. She also assumed it was due to my Bipolar medications. I had lost 50 pounds in 2 months. I continued to lose weight and my blood pressure became extremely low. Still, no one around me said anything. Not even when my weight reached 119 pounds and I had trouble just standing up.

No one said “You look great!” or “You look like a skeleton” they said nothing. I know why my sister didn’t say anything, she was upset that I weighed less than she did. She actually told me this later. What everyone else’s excuse was I don’t know. To lose that much weight in less than year and not think something is wrong seems odd to me.

Then one day I woke up and both my feet were quadruple in size. I was shocked. I knew it was a bad sign so I drove myself to the ER. The Doctor there told me I needed to call my family and have them get there as soon as possible, then he asked if I wanted to sign a DNR and see a Priest. I couldn’t reach any of my family before I crashed and everything was out of my hands. The Doctor ignored my DNR which was a good thing I guess.

There were so many missed signs and symptoms that went ignored by my Primary Care Doctor. Dealing with all of the doctors after wasn’t fun either. No one knew why I went into kidney failure. In the end I was left with 1 working kidney. It functions now at 67-68% but has Hydronephrosis which means it’s swollen twice it’s normal size. I will get progressively worse until I need dialysis or die.

My Bipolar medications and the medications I take for Social Phobia, PTSD, and Conversion Disorder, never really work right because my body isn’t filtering them the way it should. They either build up in my system so I have too much or I get none at all.

The worse part is my illnesses can’t be seen so most people think I’m lazy or want attention.

The fact is I’m dying. I’m sick all the time. If it isn’t my body it’s my brain. I’m tired of trying to make people understand.

I miss laughing with my best friend, I miss going out, I miss a lot of things.il_570xN.1221202833_1udl

 

 

 


Misdiagnosis And Medications

I’ve taken a break from everything lately. I’ve been dealing with someone pretending to be “Steven Tyler” who somehow got my cell phone number and was using Google Hangouts to repeatedly send me messages. I didn’t even know what Google Hangouts was. Then he started texting my actual phone after I blocked him on the Google App. It took weeks to get it to stop. I still don’t understand what the end game was. He wasn’t asking for money or anything like that it was just creepy. I have to say it triggered a lot for me. Unfortunately this wasn’t the first time. Anytime an actual verified celebrity has liked a comment I’ve made or followed me this has happened. So I will try not to make any intelligent comments that musicians find interesting. Thank you very much stalkers.

MISDIAGNOSIS

I’ve had my fair share of doctors who have misdiagnosed an illness I have. I also had many doctors miss a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder for 20 years. What makes me angry is my Dad. A few years ago he was having severe headaches and went to the ER. The doctor did an X-ray of his head and told him he had Temporal Arteritis. He was put on a high dose of Prednisone for a year. It was hard to get him off it. He became a different person. He was aggressive, moody, confused, unsteady on his feet, and looked bloated. It was the aggression I had a hard time with.

The only way to diagnose Temporal Arteritis is to have a biopsy, you can not tell by looking at an X-ray. My Dad refuses to believe anything I tell him. When his headaches started again recently he called his GP and asked him for Prednisone. The GP gave it to him. I’ve been staying in my room ever since.

His blood pressure has been dangerously high after dialysis. 208/140 high. They can’t stop his bleeding when they take out the needles. This is all from the Prednisone. Which by the way actually says to tell your Doctor if you have: Kidney Disease, Heart Disease, High Blood Pressure, Cataracts, Stomach Ulcers, a History of Stomach Bleeding, or Depression.

He has all of these! He has mesh in his stomach for an Aortic Aneurysm that’s already been repaired once!

Are these people stupid? I know the Hippocratic Oath isn’t legally binding but do they care if they kill someone?

The other day the dialysis center wouldn’t give him his treatment. They said his fistula was clogged. A Doctor came over and asked what was wrong. He looked down and noticed there was knot in the tube. He fixed it and went about his business. They were going to send my Dad for surgery he didn’t need because there was a kink in the tube that no one noticed!! And the Head Doctor acted like it was no big deal.

I read a study today that said a patient has 42% higher chance of a misdiagnosis if the Doctor thinks they’re “difficult” or “needy”.

They suggested patients be more positive when meeting with Doctors for the first time so this doesn’t happen.

Hey, sorry if I ask questions or cry because I’ve already been to 5 other Doctors who couldn’t/wouldn’t help me but let me make this more comfortable for you while I’m literally dying.

Here’s and idea, DO YOUR JOB! No one forced you to go to medical school you chose to go. If you chose to go only for the money than you should quit now because times have changed.

One more thing. No Doctor should be prescribing medications or making a diagnosis they are not qualified to make. Dr, Drew isn’t a Psychiatrist so he shouldn’t be making psychiatric diagnoses. A General Practitioner can’t diagnose Conversion Disorder. You need a Team to do that. A Psychiatrist, a Neurologist, and a doctor who specializes in Movement Disorders.

Your Psychiatrist should also have a degree in Psychopharmacology so they know how medications work, which ones work for different disorders and which only make them worse.

Advocate for yourself because no one else will.hippocratic


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