Category Archives: Bipolar Disorder/Conversion Disorder/Social Phobia/Addiction

DARKENED ROOM

I find myself going to my room earlier each day. I sit in my dimly lit bathroom, smoking cigarettes and watching TV and movies. There’s an exhaust fan in the ceiling that sucks the smoke out. I don’t smoke during the day or if I go away. When I went to Salem and the other Hotel for 4 days I didn’t smoke at all. Whenever I visit my Aunt in Florida I don’t feel the need to smoke. Only when I’m home.

I already know it’s unhealthy, my mom passed away from complications from Lung Cancer. I’ve seen what it does and horrible it is. I’ve given up drinking, sex, socializing, most food, and my health isn’t looking promising anyway.

I feel relaxed and almost happy when I make it to my room. I don’t have to hear my Dad growling “GODDAMN, GODDAMN!” while I start to sweat and feel sick. Yesterday he knocked over the kitchen utensil holder. Instead of picking everything up he decided to start smashing dishes everywhere. I was frozen in my chair in the living room with tears rolling down my face.

It’s a horrible feeling not being able to move when all you want to do is run. When he came in to where I was he became angrier that I was crying. When I was able to move I went to my room.

I’m having trouble finishing anything I start. Jewelry, coloring, my horror list, posts, research, finding a doctor etc.

Hopefully things will change soon. It usually does eventually. I just never know when. It could be weeks, months, or days.

I don’t think having a fever is helping or that my tongue is kind of green and white. I know how to fix that but it might be too late. The virus may have gone to my stomach or other organs. I hate doctors. I hate finding new doctors just to get antibiotics I’m really not supposed to take because I take too many at the highest dose as it is because of my Kidney Stents. At some point they will stop working.

Okay, I’m going to try to be nice to my dad and go to my room.

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I AM UNIQUE, QUIRKY, LOYAL, SENSITIVE AND MENTALLY ILL

I know if I don’t take some type of medication I will at some point find another way to ease my anxiety, pain, racing thoughts, fatigue, delusional thinking, compulsive behavior, and suicidal thoughts. The last one won’t be a thought anymore if I start drinking again.

I’m only getting the benefit of a small amount of my medications and I know this. Even when I was getting the full benefit I still wasn’t close to “normal”. Chances are I never will be.

I get frustrated at people who advocate for Breathing Therapy and Exercise as a cure/tool for depression but it WILL NOT WORK FOR ME.

I get pissed when I listen to Dr. Drew try to talk about a subject he obviously knows nothing about, treating mental illness with addiction. Everything he said to me was wrong. Most research and scientists have found that the undiagnosed¬†underlying mental illness causes a person to seek relief from alcohol and drugs. The majority of mental health professionals do not know how to treat both and the person gets bounced back and forth or isn’t treated at all.

Then I read a blogger who doesn’t believe in Treatment Resistant Bipolar Disorder. I read the Blog expecting to see evidence, statistics, quotes from researchers, but it’s just their opinion. That’s fine everyone is allowed to have an opinion. The problem is when you have thousands of followers and your a supposed Bipolar Guru.

I also don’t appreciate someone repeatedly trying to tell me I’m wrong and why when I’ve already conceded. I dislike confrontation of any kind so I’ll eventually tell you what you want to hear to avoid conflict that will trigger stuttering and tremors. It isn’t worth it. I don’t know you and I have enough problems with my own family thinking I don’t try hard enough to get better and that I’m just lazy.

I think I’ll have my medical file tattooed on me to make it easier. When I mentioned “Life saving measures were taken” when I went into Kidney Failure both my Dad and twin sister didn’t believe me. Do they think you lose 100% of one kidney and 39% of the other because you have a cold? Or I had to stay in the hospital for over a week because they liked my company? I’m tired of having to prove that I’m sick it’s ridiculous.

They think because I lied when I was drinking that I’m a liar. That’s fair and I don’t blame them up to a point. I’m over 9 years sober and they now know why I¬†was drinking and what I went through when I drank. I have not lied since I’ve been sober (except if someone asks me if they look like they’ve gained weight you can’t win with that one)

I’m not a bad person, I’m a little odd at times. My sense of humor is strange and I find things fascinating that most people don’t. I love to research a topic but I become obsessed sometimes if I can’t figure something out. Sometimes I’m quick to anger but I’m also the first to admit I’m wrong and I’ll feel guilty and cry for days until I make things right.

If I love you you’re lucky because you’ll get the shirt off my back and I’ll take a bullet for you (just ask W. about that one) my mom was the same way she protected those she loved.

That’s it for today. I’ve been binge eating for some weird reason. Not really weird it’s because CVS changed the Generic version of one of my medications. Instead of drinking I’m eating Gluten Free Frozen Yogurt, Gluten Free Cupcakes, Boar’s Head Dill Pickle Spears (I drink the juice too for my gallbladder), Rice Chex w/ Cinnamon & Sugar, Jax Cheese Puffs, I think there was more but I can’t remember lol


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