WHAT IS SELFISH AND WHO DECIDES?

My words and actions make me appear selfish. Most people would think so.

If a person actually knew the tornado of thoughts and feelings I have all day long I wonder if it would change their point of view?

I don’t want to be negative all the time and there was a time where I wasn’t. Now all it takes is a harsh word, a song, a breaking news story, an ignored text or phone call to completely change me. At times I’m not even aware of the change. The times I am aware are difficult. The more I try to control myself the worse I seem to get.

The hardest part is trying to explain to your family that you’re not doing any of it on purpose or to get attention. That trying harder isn’t going to fix anything and finding the “right” Doctor or Therapist isn’t as easy as they think.

I’m at a point where only the fast acting medications are working and even those are not working like they used to. Because my one kidney was working at 70% I didn’t think my meds were working correctly. My kidney function has gone down a little in that kidney. I’m also malnutritioned and suffer from malabsorption so I’m 98% sure my meds are not working. I have an appointment to finally get some answers on June 27th. I haven’t felt myself since I went into Kidney Failure 2 years ago. That could be for many reasons.

The thoughts that continuously run through my head are never happy ones. It’s exhausting. I replay every negative, horrendous thing ever said or done to me. Then there are the “what ifs” which are not any better. The future is also scary. My dad is 74 on June 5th, his health isn’t great and I’m frightened. Without my Dad I will have no one. I don’t want to be alone. It’s hard for me to make friends.

I sometimes wonder if I only stay sober for my Dad. I’m not sure I would be if he wasn’t here and that scares me.

The recent suicide of a person I found to be talented, beautiful and mesmerizing has left me feeling so much I don’t know what to do with all of it.

I’m angry at people talking about things they know nothing about including so called “Doctors” and “Celebrities”.

I’m angry at his significant other for blaming a medication when it has nothing to do with medication but things that were there all along for years that he said himself.

I’m confused about the act itself. Is it selfish when you are in constant pain that can’t be taken away by any known medical method? And yes I will say Holistic also.

This is my case.

QUOTE: “You’re happy with your life, everything’s going well, things are exciting- when all of a sudden you realize you’re unhappy in the extreme, to the point of being really, really, scared. There’s no particular event you can pin the feeling down to, it’s just that you realize one day that everything in your life is fucked”~Rolling Stone Magazine

QUOTE: “I think that I always struggled with depression and isolation”~ Rolling Stone

Admitted he used alcohol into his late thirties, started at the age of 12.

I’m not a doctor but for me there are clear signs of a mood disorder with the highs and lows, depression, isolation, and self medicating with alcohol. It probably started early in his teens.

ANXIETY

Anxiety can be so debilitating it changes your entire life. I have General Anxiety Disorder and Social Phobia/Anxiety that I’ve lived with since I was very young. I would throw up or dry heave every single day before school. Living with a constant roller coaster in your stomach is torture. I had an ulcer at 18. I used alcohol to take away the anxiety not knowing that as the alcohol leaves your system your anxiety will come back only 5 times worse. The cure? Drink more.

I was given medications throughout the years that never worked. Antidepressants and medications like Buspar which is specific for anxiety. None of them worked. I wasn’t diagnosed as Bipolar yet either. When I was diagnosed Bipolar the Doctor understood that I was self medicating with alcohol and I had been sober for almost a year when he prescribed Ativan at first the later switched me to Klonopin. It was life changing.

FDA INFORMATION

This is the most recent information from the FDA concerning Benzodiazepines and Antidepressants. Pay close attention to the wording because it’s important.

BENZODIAZEPINES

Benzodiazepines are drugs for anxiety that work quickly.

They can worsen cases of pre-existing depression and may potentially lead to treatment resistant depression. They can also cause emotional blunting/numbness or increased suicidal thoughts/feelings.

ANTIDEPRESSANTS

Antidepressants can make depression worse and also lead to increased risk of actual suicide. The Suicide Risk is greatest during the first two months of treatment.

WORDING

While one says suicidal thoughts/feelings the other says actual suicide. There are no statistics on people who have committed suicide due to the medication they were taking. Either it’s difficult to prove or Pharmaceutical companies are making sure the information isn’t released.

Personally I believe it’s something you have to have been considering for quite some time. Someone who has been in constant emotional pain/hopelessness, feeling empty/guilty or like you don’t belong or deserve what you have takes a toll. When you have to pretend you don’t feel any of these things it only gets worse.

There is no blame, no selfishness, only grief for someone who was in invisible pain or pain that was ignored because our loved ones find it hard to watch or accept. That has to change. It’s difficult for them, I know this. But do they wonder how difficult it is for us knowing the harm we cause not only to ourselves but also to them?

Black Hole Sun~Until You’ve Been There

I was reprimanded today for crying over someone I did not know personally. The problem is in a way I did know him. I knew when I heard the news at 7:30 a.m. this morning what had most likely happened.

My sister sent me a text saying she had been crying all morning and we went back and forth a little. She has not talked to me in what for us is a long time. The communication stopped immediately when details were released later today. I knew she would discontinue communication when she learned what I already knew.

The life expectancy of someone with a severe mental illness like Bipolar Disorder is much shorter than the average person. If the person also has an alcohol/drug addiction you can take off a few more years even if they are now sober. I’ve done all the research there is do. I have a thing for statistics and research.

I cry over someone who writes lyrics that explain how I feel or have felt but could never put into words. Some lyricists write like they’ve been in my head or knew me at a specific time. It’s a tell like in poker.

Until you have stood on a roof looking down into a black abyss of pavement thinking “I can’t take this pain, this empty ache in my chest any longer” and you jump, I don’t want to hear your opinion. (I was closer to the ground than I thought and extremely drunk. I chipped a bone in my ankle and some cuts and bruises.)

Until you have had charcoal forced down your throat or your stomach pumped because you swallowed a bottle of painkillers while thinking “I never belonged here. I watch other people live but I don’t understand how. I don’t fit. I wasn’t meant to be.” I don’t want to hear your opinion.

Until you’ve been stitched up for you fourth time because you have no self respect and think you deserve to be treated like garbage I don’t want to hear your opinion.

Until you blow a .36 at the Police Station where you’ve been many times and the men in the room are wondering how you are still functioning and you hear the names they call you and are so humiliated it has gotten this bad you picture doing the unthinkable I don’t want to hear your opinion.

I hope I’ve made it clear that unless you have been in a person’s situation it isn’t gossip or fodder for the media it’s someone’s son, daughter, sister, brother, husband, wife. Remember that and the suffering that goes with it.

To the person who is no longer here. You had empathy, talent, a light inside of you that you probably couldn’t always see, and you made a difference to me. You will be missed.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU’RE SCARED AND NO ONE IS THERE?

I’ve been having a harder time than usual and I’m not sure why. It could be 1 of 1,000 reasons. The problem is I’m too tired to find out. I’ve called 13 Gastroenterologists and none of them take Medicare.

I’m pretty sure a person isn’t supposed to have chronic diarrhea for more than 6 months. I have not 1 day without it. I also have a constant pain under the bottom of my right ribcage that radiates to my back. I can actually put my hand under my ribcage and massage the area to make it feel better.

There are times where the pain is excruciating and is from between both ribcages then goes along the entire right side. This is when I turn a lovely shade of green/grey, sometimes vomit, roll up in a ball and cry. I have gone to the ER during one these episodes but I went to the wrong ER. Three people with degrees couldn’t find my Gallbladder with the Ultrasound machine. Eight hours without a drink of water, anything for the pain, any other tests done, or seeing the Doctor again. So I got nothing.

Mother’s Day is coming up and as you can guess it isn’t my favorite. I don’t have my mom anymore and I’ll never be a mom.

My sister acted like everything was fine between us when she texted me but refuses to actually talk to me or see me in person.

I called my Auntie Lee two times and she never called me back. Usually she does but what if I talked too much last time or sounded unstable? What if she’s tired of me? Tired of listening to me complain? I try not to with her because I know she has her own problems and I like to listen to her voice. Sometimes I do it without knowing it. I stop myself as soon as I realize it. My best friend hasn’t called me in a long time. My dad keeps barking at me. He had Cataract Surgery on one eye and I had to help put 3 different eye drops in his eye.

My dad has extremely small eyes, doesn’t know his left from his right, can’t open his eyes wide, has eyebrows that grow down into his eyes, and is the most impatient person on the planet.

I trimmed his eyebrows for him. I’ve always had to put eye drops in for him but this time is different. He kept yelling at me and when I asked him to tip his head back he bent it forward! I almost thought he was doing it on purpose! My stomach hurt by the time I was done.

How I just want to hop on a plane and go somewhere different. I know your problems go with you but sometimes I think my Dad and my sister play a part in how I feel. I don’t think they do it on purpose but what they say and do has an impact on me.

Have I thought about suicide? In a way I suppose. I think more of disappearing to a place where I can be happy. A place where it’s sunny all the time and there’s a beach nearby. A place where I can take care of some animals or help other people take care of animals. A place where I’m healthy and when I smile I mean it. A place where people are happy to see me when I enter a room instead of sighing and ignoring me.

The World thinks people like me are not aware of what is going on around us. The truth is at times I’m too aware. At these times I remember that there is something different about me, I worry about how “different” I appear to people and if I’m embarrassing myself. Then I sit in my car and cry again. It’s easier to stay home.

WHY I’M STILL HERE (* May Contain Triggers and Spoilers*)

I wonder why I’m still here. I’ve been in the hospital after more than 5 suicide attempts so I wonder why I’m still here. But I think I know. After watching a movie the other night, the film stayed with me. It still lingers. It’s familiar.

In the movie a young couple from a small town in New England are married and have three children. The husband still likes to drink with his buddies and go fishing on his brother’s boat with his nephew.

One night his friends are at his house until 2 a.m. drinking and playing games downstairs. The wife makes them leave, she was mad at first but then laughed at them for being idiots. Later on the husband is drunk and finds the house cold so he places another log in the fire place and decides to walk to the store up the street.

By the time he returns the house is in flames. The only one that survived was his wife. The police refuse to charge him because he forgot to put the screen on the fireplace. The look in his eyes when they tell him he won’t be held responsible is important. You don’t see relief. As he is walking out of their office he grabs an officer’s gun and tries to kill himself.

He moves away to another city and cuts himself off from his entire family and all of his friends. The people in the town blamed him for the fire but his friends and family didn’t.

He takes a janitorial job and lives in the basement of a building that resembles a cell. He follows the same routine everyday. He doesn’t interact with people. His self imposed isolation is painful to watch mostly because I see too much of myself. He carries all of the people he’s hurt around with him. When given a chance of forgiveness and a glimpse at happiness he’s unable to let go of his guilt and grief. He takes one more look at the sea before returning to his cell.

HONESTY ISN’T ALWAYS THE BEST POLICY (I Don’t Want To Hear A Single Word About The Quote)

For some odd reason society is under the impression that because I have been diagnosed as Bipolar or I’m an Alcoholic in remission that I have a low IQ, no feelings, or I have no idea what the majority opinion is about Mental Illness and Addiction.

If people want to continue to tell a person who can’t have children they should be sterilized, have at it. But remember, if we forget History we are doomed to repeat it. Here is a History lesson.

EUGENICS- forced sterilization of the poor, disabled, mentally ill, mentally challenged, and immoral to maintain a superior genetic makeup.

North Carolina’s eugenics program ran from 1933 to 1977. Social workers decided who was to be sterilized.

California eugenicists sent literature oversees to Germany concerning sterilization and euthanasia. The mentally ill were the first to be experimented on with the gas chambers.

Knowing Americans were not ready for this type of action doctors found their own way around it. In Lincoln, Illinois aquote-scott-weiland-i-suffer-from-manic-depressive-disorder-and-ive-238667 mental institution fed it’s patients milk infected with tuberculosis, causing a 40% annual death rate.

So is this what the World is asking for?

When strangers and family notice my scars and actually have the balls to say “You cut the wrong way” it takes everything I have not to react. I have on occasion said “I’ll remember that for next time” just to see their expression. Who the hell says shit like that? Sometimes I think I have a “Kick Me” sign on my forehead that I can’t see. Do other people experience these issues?

I love it when a newly sober member of the family starts questioning my choices, quoting AA to me, asking if I’ve made amends or taken responsibility for my actions. Am I a moron? Did I take an IQ test, get below a 70, and no one told me? I think I’ve more than made amends and taken responsibility. When you have more than a year under your belt come back and talk to me. When you go to AA for more than the pastry and socializing come back and talk to me. Better yet when you’re over your “Peter Pan” complex come back and talk to me.

I have worked hard to keep it together. Imagine a day at the library. Your car is parked facing the woods with all the Fall foliage. But you don’t see that. You see yourself hanging by your neck from hundreds of the trees. You can’t breathe, you aren’t sure what’s real, tears are rolling down your face, you’re paralyzed. The sound of a horn snaps you back. You can’t drive for another hour.

When I dream it’s vivid and mostly memories. Flashes of blood, foam, fists, my mom, people telling me to die, sex that leaves me feeling empty, hospitals, drunk dreams and more blood. I often wake up with tears already on my face.

I don’t need to be told who or what I am. The good thing about Bipolar Disorder is I actually have a slightly higher IQ than most people. I think outside the box. I’m creative. I’m also too sensitive, impulsive, irritable at times, depressed frequently with bouts of mania, and I can’t make a decision to save my life. I’m also very aware of what goes on around me. I don’t need to be told I’m ill or I need help. I actually know this. I hear it in my head everyday.

The Quote- I chose this quote because it’s an example of another talented person who was failed not only by himself but by the people around him. I know you can’t force someone to take meds or get clean but I honestly think more could’ve been done. He isn’t the only Entertainer with a Mental Health issue. So many of them self medicate they don’t realize there’s an underlying cause. Then you have the belief that their “creativity” will disappear which is reinforced by the people around them.

MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS *(may contain triggers)

I told him how I would find a Hotel. Rent a room. I would put plastic down on the floor so there wouldn’t be too much of a mess. I would drink as much as I could prior to doing anything. I wouldn’t leave any identification to be found. I would find a way to get a gun. I told  him I’m tired of being a living ghost and invisible.

I looked over at him. He was stabbing his tablet with the stylus saying “Goddamn, Goddamn!”. He had not heard a word I had said. I may think about what would happen if I did kill myself but I wouldn’t do it. I’m too afraid to find out there’s nothing but darkness when you do. That’s what scares me about death. Right now I fool myself into thinking that there’s a happy place everyone goes where I would see my mom, other relatives, and my animals. Not Heaven, just a beautiful place where everyone, no matter what finds peace. Suicides are not allowed in Heaven as far as I know but they would be allowed here and they would find what ever it is they’re looking for.

I had a brilliant idea to start a company where you can hire a friend for a day. Someone who sits and listens to you, has lunch with you or a movie. You could watch TV and joke about the absurdity of it all. This is how pathetic I’ve become. I would legally change my name to Ghost if it wasn’t also a drug dealers name on TV.

It doesn’t feel like anyone is becoming aware of the Mental Health situation at all. We are treated like experiments. For once I would like to go in and have a Doctor say I’m going to give 1 pill and it will make everything better. That will never happen.

What my family and the rest of society will never understand is this is as good as it’s going to get for me personally. I’ve been told by numerous Doctors. At this stage of the game with other illnesses going on I WILL CONTINUE TO GET WORSE.

Instead putting restrictions on our relationships and ultimatums why don’t they just spend as much quality time with me as they can? I am alone and all I hear is “You’re not seeing the right Doctor, You need more therapy, Maybe acupuncture”. NO, NO, NO! LISTEN! I don’t need anything but a hug and some support. I will continue with the medications I’m on for now. There is nothing else to be done. I am so tired of explaining myself and apologizing.