Tag Archives: Loneliness

NO COMMUNICATION

I went into Kidney Failure again, I should’ve recognized the signs but didn’t. All they could do is get rid of the excess fluid backed up in my one good kidney. They couldn’t do much else because I’m too sick to operate on right now. They sent me home late yesterday.

My white blood cell count and red blood cell count are both down, my blood pressure is would suggest I’m already dead, my temperature was 100 degrees but is now staying at 94 degrees. I have a headache that would make a Super Hero cry, I can’t even tell you about my sinuses and phlegm problem because I still hope to have at least 1 date before I die.

As usual I couldn’t reach my twin sister to tell her I was in the ICU. My Dad is also sick right now so he couldn’t be with me. She did text me back eventually. After I got out of the Hospital.

I haven’t talked out loud to anyone very much in the last year. My Dad is usually miserable and I’m afraid I’ll set him off. My twin sister doesn’t answer her phone but will sometimes send me a text. I told her today that I’m having trouble with the loneliness, I’m talking to myself, Dad’s yelling at me constantly and it would be nice to just talk about current events or TV shows we both watch because it’s bad.

She sent me a text 3 hours later that she “had” to nap a lot today but she “might” give me a call later.

I’m really feeling done.

When I mentioned I might spend 6 months to a year in Florida with my Aunt all of a sudden my Dad says he has no money and needs more money from me for bills. I’ve given him $2,000 in the last month and a half. There went the money I was going to use towards my lease/rental. I know it’s on purpose and he has money.

No one wants to be around me, no one wants to talk to me, but they don’t want me to leave.

My entire life they never had a problem leaving me behind. In many different ways. Physically and emotionally.

I’m always watching from behind trying to catch up, trying to belong, jumping up and down whispering “pick me, pick me”, they never have and after this long I don’t think they ever will. loneliness-wide

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I Refuse To Beg


It’s another holiday weekend spent alone. One where once upon a time I would be getting dressed up for a cook out or party. I do not get invited to those anymore.

It could be because I no longer drink and most of the people at these events do. I am over 6 years sober and have been around alcohol with no problem. I have no need or desire.

It could also be that most people know by now that I have been diagnosed as Bipolar.

The last reason hurts the most. My best friend’s childhood friend is now dating the man that I drank with from the age of 17 to about 28. The last time I saw him we had argued. He broke a heavy wooden chair over my head, pinned me to the floor with his knees and repeatedly punched me in the face with a large skull ring on. Then he threw me down a flight of stairs.

There were no charges pressed. He brought me home and told my parents I fell. My father yelled at me that he couldn’t believe anything I said anymore because I was a “drunk”. This person bragged to several people about what he did. He said he was like “Mike Tyson”. My own brother still saw this person. He never stood up for me. No one did.

So now he sometimes stops by with my best friend’s friend. She ALLOWS him into her home. I hardly ever go there because I’m not invited. She knows what he did, her boyfriend knows what he did, yet they still let him come over. Out of respect for me she should tell her friend “You’re welcome anytime but your boyfriend can’t come here and you know why”. But they don’t. He’s manipulative and sadistic. I picture him sitting there laughing thinking he got one over on me because he’s sitting there with all of my friends while I’m alone at home.

I refuse to beg for companionship, for people to do what I think is the right thing, and for friendship. My own sister got what she wanted and now I can’t get in touch with her. A $300 hair service for free. I’m done.






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