Tag Archives: Social Awkwardness

EXCRUCIATING! Watching Q & A’s On Social Media and Feeling Invisible.

From time to time I will watch a Live Question and Answer session on a Social Media platform. I don’t do it often because I find myself become irritated, sad, and then feeling more isolated than I already do.

When the person answering the questions has answered the SAME EXACT QUESTIONS AT LEAST 5 TIMES PREVIOUSLY and literally asks that no one else ask the same questions again, it’s more than annoying.

BUT not as frustrating as when I finally work up courage to write something and it’s always ignored or sent back to me. I don’t know if that’s just how it works because I try not to do it often. Why? Because I then start to do the infamous snowballing.

Questions start swirling in my overactive brain. Has everyone blocked me and I just don’t know about it? Do they think I am a security threat because it links to blog about Bipolar Disorder? Oh, wait! Everyone they follow has dark hair and I’m a red head, maybe they don’t like red heads? Everyone they follow that’s female is pretty. Maybe I’m not considered pretty enough to follow like a velvet rope system but for Social Media. Did I offend the person and not realize it? Should I apologize? Maybe I should consider breast implants or some Botox.

Then I think “I really miss drinking when I didn’t give a shit what anyone thought no matter who they were.” When I even told a famous singer to go F*ck himself because he grabbed me on his tour bus and wouldn’t let me go. I could see the track marks on his arm and he smelled like he hadn’t showered in months. Back then the alcohol made me not overthink everything. Granted it also helped my erratic behavior, impulsiveness, and sometimes I wasn’t rational enough to know when a situation had gone too far.

This spineless, doubting, invisibility, is killing me. I just want to know I exist sometimes. My entire life I blamed so much on my weight. Now that the weight is gone I actually hide more than I ever did. Now that I can actually dress up and feel like I fit in I do nothing.

The only thing stopping me is me. Fear that it will be the same. Rejection. I can’t go through everything I’ve already been through again. So what now?am-i-invisible-1024x683

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Easy Breezy

1974372_10203801673429154_2743617788152765748_oI’ve said it before but I’ll remind you that I really don’t have anyone in my life to ask stupid questions. Questions like, “Do you like this vacation rental?”, “Do you think it’s too much?”, “Are they supposed to charge for that?”, or “Do these pants make me look fat?”. lol Ok I really don’t care about the last question.

I bought a one way ticket to Florida that leaves on August 20th and I have to book a place soon to stay. I was looking at Homeaway but there are a lot of fees connected, driving the price up. When you first see $129/night for a 3 bedroom, 2 bath, house with a pool on the water you think “YAY!!”. Then you click on it and it turns into $4,000 for 12 days. “BOO!!”.

Someone at Capital One wasn’t paying attention and gave me a credit card with 0% APR for a year so that’s what I’m using for this trip. I still want to be careful. I want to pay it off as soon as possible and not fall into old bad habits with money that brought me to Bankruptcy.

I’ve just been afraid lately that this might be the last time I’m able to really travel. I want to see a few relatives that are important to me. My Auntie Lee is my mom’s sister and just like her except almost always happy and blond. We were very close and I love her. She’s getting older and my health is getting worse. My kidney is having some issues which scares me. No one is really taking any of it seriously except for me. My dad has his own health issues and is worried about his birds. He’s also been accessorizing his truck for some weird unknown reason. He thinks he’s on an episode of “Pimp My Ride”.

My sister just came back from her 10th vacation this summer and when she called she only wanted to talk about herself. Not exactly a surprise. She wasn’t happy at my attitude. The pharmacy gave me my medication made by another new company that they do not have a complete ingredient list for. Of course after a week on it I already know it’s crap. I also know that they won’t let me exchange it or do anything about it because it’s a generic of Adderall. They don’t realize how many of these overseas companies still use gluten as a binder and the medication’s efficacy is dramatically changed. I am a zombie who cries all day. Thank you so much CVS!

I do have good news. My brother came over with his son, my oldest nephew. He’s going to an excellent college. When I say excellent it’s an understatement. I’m so proud of him. He’s kind and smart. I showed him my blog and he said “I love you Auntie Day”. Too bad his older sister doesn’t see me the same way. She has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and has aimed her cruelty and violence at me on more than one occasion.

I am petrified to go on this vacation. It’s more expensive than I thought it would be and I’m not sure my relatives in the area are going to have time for me. Part of me is sad and part of me accepts that. I’m also afraid something will happen to my dad while I’m gone. If it does than I break my agreement and find the first flight home right? It’s a 4 and 1/2 hour flight. I hate that I have to reassure myself constantly instead of being able to just go with it. My sister’s input of “That’s stupid” or “Are you crazy?” hasn’t exactly helped matters.

Before my brother in law knew me as well as he does now he would say to my twin sister “Why can’t you be more like your sister? You know, easy breezy?”. She would respond with “Because she’s on drugs asshole!”. He would laugh at this. It went on for years until he finally understood that I just laughed and went along with what everyone said to avoid confrontation and because I was medicated. It wasn’t until the day everything bubbled up like a volcano that he learned.

I wish I could be easy breezy and let things go instead of going over every possibility of what can and will go wrong 1,000 times a day until I want to vomit. I am my father’s daughter.

The picture was taken at The Naples Zoo in Florida when I last visited. I enjoyed my time there and felt at home with the atmosphere. I have to try to remember that.


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