I do have a habit of overthinking many comments and conversations. This always leads to trouble. I also will ask a question I already know the answer to just to try to fit in and engage in conversation. Recently this backfired on me and I lost my temper.
I should’ve known I would get negative responses I was on Twitter. They were having a hashtag ask a question day and I asked about cutting my dog’s nails because he panics so much I was afraid he would hurt himself.
This set off a firestorm of people telling me that I was “torturing my poor animal” and other similar not as nice things. At first I was going to let it go but then on organization kept sending me Tweets saying “STOP HURTING YOUR ANIMALS!” and I lost it.
I know how to cut his nails and that he has to be sedated. I also know the correct medications and dosages for every size dog. I know how to do CPR on animals and have done so on several dogs. I have used a tiny hypodermic needle to inoculate up to 200 birds from disease. The injection has to go into a specific area or they bleed too much and won’t be inoculated. I helped hand raise Endangered Bird Species feeding them with an eye dropper every half hour so they could later go to a special program at the Bronx Zoo. But I played dumb because I have no one to talk to, it was a bad day and I wasn’t thinking clearly.
On Instagram I commented on something where I thought the person was making fun of someone for stuttering. They were not and I completely misread the entire situation and became defensive. Now I feel embarrassment and shame. Two feelings I hate to feel the most.
I need more help than the Professionals in R.I., MA, and CT have been able to give me. When they have all decided there is nothing left to be done I’m not sure how long I can live with that. How long could you live with knowing the people you love can’t be around you? How long could you go on with nothing but your own voice to listen to, no human contact for many years, nothing to look forward to, no purpose?
I had to leave the house the other day for food. Unfortunately someone from High School recognized me. First Question: “How are you, are you married?” Second Question: “Do you have any kids?” Third Question: “What are you doing for work, where do you live?” yes they were jumbled in like that. How can you tell someone that you’ve never even been on an actual date or been alone with a man in 9 years? How do you tell them that for some unknown reason you stopped getting your period at 36 and will never have children? How do you tell them that you don’t work because you have several mental illnesses but please don’t be afraid? And the last on, I never left home and I still live with my Dad.
I went home and went to bed. Sometimes it’s too much.
DISTORTION: Altering perception of upsetting reality to be more acceptable.
DEPENDENT PERSONALITY DISORDER: Helplessness, excessive need to be taken care of, submissive and clingy behavior, difficulty in making decisions.
EXPRESSED EMOTION: Hostility, criticism demonstrated by some families toward a family member with a Psychological Disorder. Most of the time I find things like this that explain what I feel or want to say better than I can.