Category Archives: Mental Health

MISINTERPRETATIONS, DISTORTION, DEPENDENT PERSONALITY AND EXPRESSED EMOTION

I do have a habit of overthinking many comments and conversations. This always leads to trouble. I also will ask a question I already know the answer to just to try to fit in and engage in conversation. Recently this backfired on me and I lost my temper.

I should’ve known I would get negative responses I was on Twitter. They were having a hashtag ask a question day and I asked about cutting my dog’s nails because he panics so much I was afraid he would hurt himself.

This set off a firestorm of people telling me that I was “torturing my poor animal” and other similar not as nice things. At first I was going to let it go but then on organization kept sending me Tweets saying “STOP HURTING YOUR ANIMALS!” and I lost it.

I know how to cut his nails and that he has to be sedated. I also know the correct medications and dosages for every size dog. I know how to do CPR on animals and have done so on several dogs. I have used a tiny hypodermic needle to inoculate up to 200 birds from disease. The injection has to go into a specific area or they bleed too much and won’t be inoculated. I helped hand raise Endangered Bird Species feeding them with an eye dropper every half hour so they could later go to a special program at the Bronx Zoo. But I played dumb because I have no one to talk to, it was a bad day and I wasn’t thinking clearly.

On Instagram I commented on something where I thought the person was making fun of someone for stuttering. They were not and I completely misread the entire situation and became defensive. Now I feel embarrassment and shame. Two feelings I hate to feel the most.

I need more help than the Professionals in R.I., MA, and CT have been able to give me. When they have all decided there is nothing left to be done I’m not sure how long I can live with that. How long could you live with knowing the people you love can’t be around you? How long could you go on with nothing but your own voice to listen to, no human contact for many years, nothing to look forward to, no purpose?

I had to leave the house the other day for food. Unfortunately someone from High School recognized me. First Question: “How are you, are you married?” Second Question: “Do you have any kids?” Third Question: “What are you doing for work, where do you live?” yes they were jumbled in like that. How can you tell someone that you’ve never even been on an actual date or been alone with a man in 9 years? How do you tell them that for some unknown reason you stopped getting your period at 36 and will never have children? How do you tell them that you don’t work because you have several mental illnesses but please don’t be afraid? And the last on, I never left home and I still live with my Dad.

I went home and went to bed. Sometimes it’s too much.

DISTORTION: Altering perception of upsetting reality to be more acceptable.

DEPENDENT PERSONALITY DISORDER: Helplessness, excessive need to be taken care of, submissive and clingy behavior, difficulty in making decisions.

EXPRESSED EMOTION: Hostility, criticism demonstrated by some families toward a family member with a Psychological Disorder.30194987565ee667cf813de17cc6c667      Most of the time I find things like this that explain what I feel or want to say better than I can.

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RECENT EPIPHANIES

Epiphany~ sudden intuitive perception or insight.

Positivity~ optimistic in attitude. (a definition I can live with)

Over the last few months I’ve been having tougher time than usual. I’ve actually regressed to a place I never though I would be again. I never thought I would seriously consider hurting myself again, actually visualize the entire thing in my mind. When I heard whispering I knew I was in trouble.

I waited to tell anyone because I didn’t want to be put in the Hospital where I wouldn’t have any control over what was done or how long I stayed. I know what the “law” is but that doesn’t mean everyone follows it. I’ve been in that situation before and if I hadn’t received ECT it would’ve broken me. My Dad isn’t a stupid man so I couldn’t keep much from him for long. My sister and I usually only text. It’s easier for her to ignore or to be able to gauge what my mood is. If she actually hears my voice, hears the pain and tears, it’s harder for her to hang up or disengage. Eventually they both noticed I changed and it wasn’t for the better.

I went to my Psychiatrist and we discussed several reasons why I was having suicidal thoughts, hearing voices, and on two occasions hallucinations. I was also irritable, angry, crying, and going through all of these emotions frequently throughout the day. I wasn’t sleeping like I used to and was exhausted.

The bottom line is there isn’t too much more for me to try on the medication or therapy side of things. I’ve tried it all. I could try ECT again but the Doctors are concerned because of my chronic low blood pressure and slow heart rate. My physical health is worse now than when I first had ECT.

POSSIBLE SOLUTION IS ME

I’ve decided to be open minded and try something new. I’ve decided to try to let go.

For once a famous person with a mental illness has said something that I found to be helpful and has changed my perspective. He’s been through some heartbreaking experiences and he isn’t saying “take medication, don’t take medication, believe in God, don’t believe in God, exercise don’t exercise, eat the right foods or don’t” his belief is this

“You choose the part you want to play in this life. I want to be a good guy. I want to do good things. I want to make people happy and I want to help out when I can. So you do what you need to do”

He also believes in surrendering to the hopelessness we feel and to stop being afraid of the sorrow and suffering.

“It’s going to happen, you’re going to have times of extreme depression you don’t come out of on the other side, but you can choose who you want to be when it’s over.”

And he’s right because the depressive episodes do end at some point or at least lift to a tolerable level where you have clarity. I have let the fear of my symptoms hold me in place and I’ve become a person I never wanted to be.

I never wanted to be okay with sitting on my couch for years at a time with no social interaction, no friends, and what family I have left sick of dealing with me.

There was a time where I wanted to speak at High Schools about Mental Health/Bullying/Peer Pressure/Alcohol because school was a pivotal point for me. Mental Health problems and symptoms begin early and maybe by talking about my own experiences I could prevent someone from having to go through what I did. Early detection is the key.

I also wanted work/volunteer at a wildlife rehabilitation center. Animals have always been my passion since I was little. My Grandmother on Dad’s side always asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. I always said the same thing “A veterinarian”.

Boy, did I take some wrong turns. Jewelry maker, Store Manager of 3 major stores, Cosmetologist, Rock Groupie (not really groupies are usually fans who want to have sex with the musicians they idolize I just liked talking to them and most appreciated the change and the chance to have a normal conversation), Alcoholic, Bouncer (I looked tougher than I was specifically when drinking), I’m forgetting some things and getting off track but you get the point.

I’m now training myself that the “Positivity” isn’t always bad and to remain open minded. I also can’t control what my Dad does or says so I have to try to stop getting upset every time he does or says something upsetting which is often. If he wants to push himself to the point of dropping outside and refuses to listen to the his Doctors or me there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ve been trying for 2 years now and I’m the one who is on the floor in the fetal position crying and muttering words that don’t make sense because I just had to clean a pint of his blood off of the floor. No one else is losing it, just me. He continues to do the same things he isn’t supposed to so I can’t fall apart anymore.

My sister I’m going to have to deal with also. I have to accept that I can’t expect her to give what she isn’t capable of giving. Just because my feelings and emotions are to the extreme I can’t expect everyone else to be the same it isn’t fair. She should put her own family first. I’m a grown woman. The problem is I’ve never lived like one.

It’s time to do some serious work, letting go and healing. I’ve also been off of Twitter which I’ll explain that in a future post.

Thank you to everyone who reads my long rambling posts it’s appreciated more than any of you will ever know.


HARD TRUTHS~ SUICIDE

I have not thought seriously about harming myself in years. Until a few weeks ago when I refilled my prescription for Generic Topamax. It was a completely different shape and size but the name of the company was the same. The pill went from a small round salmon colored one to a large oblong light pink horse pill. I didn’t have much of a choice because you can’t stop it cold turkey. I use it as a mood stabilizer and it helps with my stuttering and other neurological issues.

It’s obviously not the same as the one I was taking. I started to feel irritated, extremely depressed, and slowly a feeling of such grief and pain in my chest I couldn’t take it. A constant voice telling me I wasn’t good enough, I was a mistake and never should’ve been born, people were right to think I’m a loser and I serve no purpose on this Planet. My own twin isn’t capable of loving me so why am I here? I wanted to drink the pain away, hop a plane to a place with the most dive bars and drink until I died. I heard whispers from the past telling me words I never wanted to hear again. I curled up in a corner and cried until I blacked out 3 times.

All of this mostly due to a pharmaceutical company cutting corners or my one kidney has gotten a lot worse and isn’t processing the medication properly. It might be both.

Last night I only took half of one so 100mg instead of 200mg and today is a little better. I’m not hearing whispering or crying as much. The biggest problem is I can’t speak. I can’t form a sentence. My balance is off so I am falling into things which is bad when you live in a house filled with antiques and 2 small dogs. If I close my eyes while I’m standing I’ll hit the floor. I have to be careful how I move my neck and head, any sudden change in pressure and I either get a sharp pain like an axe in my head or I fall down. Some of this I don’t think is medication related which kind of scares me more.

Part of me doesn’t want to know. I was supposed to be having regular brain scans since 2008 but none of my Doctors followed up. It’s because there was swelling in one area and hyperintensity in another. The overall loss of gray and white matter was so unusual that it was suggested I be monitored due to that also. Then you have the lovely cysts in my sinus cavity that are actually on the border of where the sinus cavity meets the brain. And all of my excellent Doctors never bothered to follow up.

One more problem is my neck. When I wake up it feels like it’s broken. I have a high tolerance for alcohol and pain so when I say it’s that bad it’s bad. When I told my best friend she yelled at me and started crying. I forgot her mom has Degenerative Disc Disease like I do but hers was mostly in her neck. She had to wear a brace and was unable to move her neck for a year or she would be paralyzed. They had to replace bones with cadaver bone it was hard to watch. So W is afraid this is going to happen to me and was mad that I was brushing it off. I’m just so tired of Doctors I don’t want to go to anymore, I don’t want to find out anything new.

At least now, unlike years ago, I know I have an illness. There are slivers of sanity that break through and let me know that this isn’t me. I’m thankful for that. Ten or fifteen years ago I would’ve drank and I would’ve tried to hurt myself which is why no one should have to go 20 years before getting a correct diagnosis or a diagnosis at all.when-the-brain-dies-first-16-728


WHO ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?

People say I’m the life of the party

Cause I tell a joke or two

Although I might be laughing loud and hearty

Deep inside I’m blue

So take a good look at my face

You’ll see my smile looks out of place

If you look closer it’s easy to trace

The tracks of my tears

Outside, I’m masquerading

Inside, my hope is fading

If you look closer it’s easy to trace

The tracks of my tears

Smokey Robinson

When you have a twin who does not have a mental illness you get to watch that person have a “normal” life. When your twin was also thin and popular it makes it worse. From the beginning I just wanted her to love me more than anyone else. I thought we were special because we were twins. I thought we were supposed to have a strong bond that would last forever. It turns out I was the only one who felt this way.

W became my sister and was there for me when no one else was. The times I had no choice and had to call my sister I was met with disgust and judgement. I hadn’t been diagnosed yet but I don’t think it was a secret to anyone that something was wrong. It wasn’t a secret to me, I just didn’t want to admit I was like some of my family members. I didn’t want to live in an assisted living community with other mentally ill people and a case manager who could come over any time they wanted to. I didn’t want someone else deciding what I did with my money, where I went, what I put in my body or didn’t put in my body. I had seen it all when I was younger and it was horrendous. My Aunt and Uncle had miserable lives when the State was in control. My Uncle chose to be homeless instead of dealing with them. I don’t blame him.

My twin sister refuses to understand how sick I am. She refuses to see how sick our Dad is. She refuses to see that I’m at a breaking point watching him waste away, being the one he takes his anger out on, and being alone. Yesterday he fell and hit his head. When he came inside it was bleeding a little but he was unsteady on his feet. I made him sit down. He then called the dog by the bird’s name four times even though I told him it was the dog not the bird. He looked at me like I wasn’t there.

I think he’s taking too much Klonopin because he doesn’t know he’s already taken it. I see him popping them like they’re Tic Tacs and it scares me. He’s on a low dose .50 mg but still he doesn’t have functioning kidneys. I tell my sister and she says “Hmm”. Pretty much her response to everything I say.

She only called today to tell me about her 6th vacation. They rented a house in Vermont and they took the kids to see Green Day so the oldest could see his Godfather and the youngest could meet the rest of the band.tear How fun for you and your family. Personally I don’t think it’s a great idea to bring the kids backstage but hey what do I know?

I look and I see a beautiful 44 year old woman with 2 of the most beautiful well behaved loving children I’ve ever been around. A woman with a nice house and a fenced in backyard. A woman with a plethora of friends to talk to or get coffee with. Who between her and her husband have so many contacts they can take 6 vacations in 3 months and not worry about anything else. A woman who graduated college but told me I got all the attention because I f*cked up all the time so no one noticed her achievements.

I remember my mother introducing us at a large family function. She said “This is my daughter D she’s in college and this is my other daughter.” No name and no description. At least she didn’t do what the rest of family the did D is the skinny one and Da is the fat one that’s how you tell them apart.” YOU F*CKING IDIOTS WE ARE FRATERNAL TWINS I HAD BLOND HAIR SHE HAD AUBURN HAIR WE LOOKED NOTHING ALIKE IN THE FACE MAYBE IF YOU WEREN’T SO INBRED YOU’D HAVE HALF A BRAIN TO TELL US APART.

My apologies again there was only that one incidence of inbreeding that I know of and she turned out to be a beautiful and smart woman. Again, that I know of because my Grandmother’s side of the family is difficult to trace and the woman herself was sketchy as hell.

I have so much baggage and family secrets/history it’s like Peaky Blinders/Justified/The Decline of Western Civilization all rolled into one.

I’m trying to say it’s heartbreaking and lonely to know the person who is supposed to be there for you and love you isn’t there. It hurts all the time to be so aware of how my twin feels about me. I miss the one person I could count on and talk to, I could cry for hours and she would just hold me and tell me it would be ok. No one does that anymore. I’m not allowed to cry or I get yelled at. No one just hugs me and says everything will be ok or says they love me no matter what I do or say. I need that now because I’m like Jekyll & Hyde lately and there is no warning. I don’t always remember what I’ve said or done or why you’re mad at me.

P.S.~CVS Changed the Generic Brand of Topamax I take and it’s been like starting over as far as side effects go. I feel pretty horrible.

 


PSYCH 101~ PART II

I haven’t been feeling well lately so it’s taken longer for me to gather my thoughts and put things in a comprehensive way. I’m coming down from a manic episode and it isn’t exactly fun. I was ready to go on adventures and do new things, but now I feel fear, guilt, and hopelessness. Without having an actual human to talk to on a regular basis I’ve become worse. I was told this would happen and told myself I would be fine. I was wrong.

1 IN 25 ADULTS IN AMERICA LIVE WITH A SERIOUS MENTAL ILLNESS.

Anxiety Disorders: 21.3 %

Major Depression: 6.9 %

Bipolar Disorder: 2.6 %

Schizophrenia: 1.1 %

ANXIETY DISORDERS: Disorders that share features of excessive fear and anxiety.

  • Generalized Anxiety- Persistent, uncontrollable and ongoing apprehension about a wide range of life situations. The cause can’t be pinpointed.
  • Social Anxiety- Anxiety Disorder involving strong irrational fears relating to social situations. (I’ve been diagnosed with this by several Doctors when I was younger but not by my current Psychiatrist)
  • Panic Disorder- Sudden episodes of extreme anxiety and panic attacks.
  • Specific Phobias: A strong irrational fear of specific objects or situations that are normally considered harmless.

GENERALIZED ANXIETY DISORDER

Generalized Anxiety Disorder is when you have excessive unrealistic anxiety and worry about several events or issues.

Onset of GAD is usually before 20 years of age with a history of childhood fears and social inhibitions.

DSM V Criteria states at least 3 psychological or physiological symptoms lasting at least 6 months, interfering with a person’s ability to function is needed for a diagnosis.

Some of these symptoms are impaired concentration, restlessness and muscle tension. Coexisting disorders can be Major Depression, Social Anxiety Disorder and Substance Abuse.

SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER (SOCIAL PHOBIA)

Social Anxiety Disorder is a persistent fear of 1 or more social situations where the person is exposed to unfamiliar people or possible scrutiny/humiliation. Exposure to the feared situation leads to anxiety, avoidance, or enduring the situation with extreme distress. This interferes significantly with a person’s normal routine, social activities and work.

Social Anxiety usually has an early age of onset (13) and a high connection with other anxiety disorders and depression.

Risk Factors: Childhood bullying, childhood neglect/abuse or Maternal overprotection.

Affective Symptoms: Unreasonable levels of fear, automatic negative emotional cycles, sadness and insecurity.

Behavioral: Trembling, crying, physical withdrawal from social situations, over analyzing a social situation looking for flaws, staying quiet.

Cognitive: Negative self image, paranoia and low self esteem.

CRITERIONS FOR SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER

  • A marked fear or anxiety about 1 or more social situations in which the individual is exposed to possible scrutiny by others. Example: Being observed by others/Performing in front of others/Social interactions
  • Fear that he/she will act in a way or show anxiety symptoms that will be negatively evaluated (humiliated or rejected by others)
  • Social situations always provoke fear/anxiety.
  • Social situations are avoided or endured with intense fear/anxiety.
  • Fear/anxiety is out of proportion to the actual threat posed by the social situation.
  • Fear/anxiety/avoidance is persistent, lasting 6 months or more.
  • Fear/anxiety/avoidance causes clinically significant distress/impairment in social/occupational or other important areas of functioning.
  • Fear/anxiety/avoidance isn’t attributed to the Physiological effects of a substance or other medical condition.
  • Fear/anxiety/avoidance is not explained by the symptoms of another mental disorder such as Panic Disorder, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, or Autism Spectrum Disorder.
  • If another medical condition is present the fear/anxiety/avoidance is clearly unrelated or is excessive.

PSYCH FACTORS ASSOCIATED WITH SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER

  1. Negative self-appraisals
  2. Post event rumination/scrutiny
  3. Elevated social cost estimate (If they act in an unacceptable way it will result in disastrous consequences like rejection or loss of social status.
  4. Fear of evaluation whether it’s positive or negative.

People with Social Anxiety Disorder also feel socially incompetent (boring or dumb) they also worry about physical appearance often feeling ugly or unfashionable or not as good as everyone else.

Social Anxiety Disorder has the lowest overall remission rate of all Anxiety Disorders.

MY EXPERIENCE WITH SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER

Social Anxiety started very young with me and was severe. I had a difficult time with Birthday parties, cookouts, school, any large gathering. I did my best to hide or avoid them but I couldn’t avoid school. Throwing up/dry heaving daily before you are forced to go to school is not healthy. I sometimes wonder if they had allowed my twin and I to be in some of the same classes if things might have been different.

Where I live twins were not allowed to have any classes together beginning in Kindergarten and ending in the 12th grade. Being separated from a person you’re so close to at such an early age and thrown in with strangers without her support was terrifying. I believe it also played a part in our drifting apart to the point we no longer spoke and she no longer acknowledged me.

There were times I couldn’t go to a gas station alone, there would be months where I did everything I could not to leave the house. I was happy to watch movies in my room and read books. If it wasn’t for my best friend W I would’ve rotted away in my room. She forced me to do things. Unfortunately at this time alcohol came in to the picture. None of the Doctors I had seen ever gave me medication for anxiety. I had an ulcer at 16 that by 18 was pretty bad. They didn’t mind giving me a year’s worth of Paxil all at once but nothing fast acting for the extreme anxiety. Paxil was horrendous for me. The weight gain of 50 pounds alone was enough to make me feel worse.

I don’t understand how several Doctors could diagnose me with Social Anxiety Disorder (Phobia) but never prescribe me medication or specific therapy for it. It’s still a huge problem for me. The lump in my throat and the butterflies in my stomach I wouldn’t wish on anyone. It’s no way to live your life, constantly feeling a fear of living life that holds you back from doing the things you want to do before time runs out.

 


FLIGHTS OF FANCY

Being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder is difficult enough. When you have Mixed Episodes it’s what I imagine Hell would be like if I were religious.

Mixed Episodes are when a person with Bipolar Disorder has depressive and manic symptoms at the same time or close together. It’s usually called a Manic/Depressive episode with mixed features.

It’s more common in women and people who developed Bipolar at a young age. It can cause unpredictable behavior when feeling hopeless and suicidal but energized and agitated.

I love to do research but sometimes it might be better to not know some things about yourself.

The new college courses in Psychiatry give how many years are subtracted from a person’s lifespan with specific Psychiatric conditions. 25 years has been deducted from mine. This would mean I have less than 6 years left. I’m not really surprised at this. I should be but I’m not.

I try not to think about it because the brain and Psychiatric Disorders are never 100% accurate and everyone’s brain is so unique nothing is for sure.

I am restless and I feel I’ve wasted my life and now I don’t have enough time, money, energy to do anything I want to do.

It’s also hard being alone all the time. My Dad is either at dialysis or doing something outside. He used to like talking to me until I started to get worse day by day and he started dialysis. My twin sister never wanted to be close and still doesn’t. My one best friend works 60 hours a week and lives with her boyfriend so she doesn’t have a lot of time. I’ve tried to make new friends in the past but I would talk myself into thinking they didn’t really like me. I didn’t deserve to have friends and they just felt bad for me.

So many Doctors, Therapists, Neurologists who all didn’t have answers for me except that I’ll get worse. Thanks! Can I have a steady morphine drip please? Because everything hurts 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, on the outside and the inside. From my brain to my heart to my bones. I’m afraid I’ll never get to experience love or go on a date. I am my own problem. How can any of that happen if I only leave the house once every 3 weeks?

I still feel this need to try to drive cross country. The need is stronger at night but I don’t know why. I’m not an adult. I’m 44 and haven’t really had to do any of the things that adults do. It’s one of the reasons I didn’t tell anyone where or when I was buying my car. I wanted to do it myself and if I made mistakes at least they would be mine. My Dad acted like a 2 year old when I did it but has since admitted I made the right decision. He still has a problem if I am not home by the time it’s dark outside. By “problem” I mean dry heaving and chest pains. I can’t live with knowing I cause him to react like that so I stay home. Not much of a way to live.

I’m usually in my room by 3:30/4:00 p.m. because I’m bored and I can watch what I want in my room. I go to bed fairly early because there isn’t much else to do.

Do I want something to change? Sometimes. I really did want to try to drive from Rhode Island to California.


PSYCHIATRY 101 (Kind Of)

CLARIFICATION OF TERMS/VOCABULARY

I thought I knew what most of the language being used around me or in medical reports meant. Turns out I was wrong and so were a few of my Doctors. It’s obvious who keeps up with new research/education/diagnostic criteria and who doesn’t. All you have to do is look at some of the exams used in 2017 for Psychology/Sociology/Psychiatry/Neurology/Pharmacology to see there has been a change in thinking.

PSYCHOLOGY: The scientific study of behavior that is tested through scientific research.

SOCIOLOGY: The study of human social groups and society.

PSYCHIATRY: The study, diagnosis, prevention, treatment, of mental health disorders.

PSYCHOLOGIST VS PSYCHIATRIST: The each have different approaches and degrees/licensing. Psychologists are nonmedical professionals who train in methods of Psychological Testing, Psychotherapy, Analysis, and Research. The can not prescribe medications or ECT. Psychologists look at behavior and track sleep patterns, eating patterns, and negative thoughts. Psychiatrists do have medical degrees and graduate from medical school. Psychiatrists tend to look at biology and neurochemistry ruling out vitamin deficiencies, thyroid problems or other medical reasons for mental health issues before making a diagnosis.

I’m going to focus on Psychiatry/Psychiatrists for now. It can be overwhelming when you read all of it so I’ll stick to the basics. These are some things I didn’t know and was afraid to ask.

What is the DSM?

The DSM (volume 5 now) is the standard classification manual of mental disorders published by the AMA (American Medical Association). A Psychiatrist basically uses this more for billing than anything else. When it comes to Psychiatric Disorders there is no one size fits all so they come as close as they can.

NOS

NOS means Not otherwise specified, again more of a billing thing and because you might show most of the symptoms of a disorder but not all of them but the Doctor is certain that you probably will in the future.

INVOLUNTARY ADMISSION

If you are admitted to a Psychiatric facility involuntarily you must be released in 72 hours. A probate hearing needs to happen within the 72 hours if they want you to remain an impatient involuntarily.

YOUR RIGHTS

As a patient you have the right to refuse treatment (including medications), the right to privacy, to keep personal items (except in cases of self harm), enter into legal contracts, and informed consent. It’s important to know this. I always felt I didn’t have the right to ask questions because they were the Doctors and more educated than me. But there were many times I should’ve spoke up and didn’t. This only added to my problems.

When you feel you are being held against your will and someone threatens to keep you as long as they want if you’re not a “good girl” it’s demeaning and terrifying to say the least.

To find out what is going on a Mental Status Assessment is done which is a view of Psychological Function in time that changes interview to interview. Doctors also use the following:

GENERAL APPEARANCE: grooming, how a person is dressed, hygiene, eye contact, posture, appearance vs stated age. (If you show up in your pajamas and you haven’t showered in weeks and are shuffling into the office most likely it isn’t going to go well)

ATTITUDE: (toward examiner) cooperative, warm, friendly, suspicious, guarded, hostile, apathetic, distant, combative, aggressive, seductive. (Pretty sure if you act seductive you’re receiving that 72 hour hold. Same with combative. I’ve been distant, guarded, hostile and cooperative I think)

BEHAVIOR AND ACTIVITY: Psychomotor Retardation (medical term), restless, agitated, hyperactive, tremors, tics, unusual movements/gestures, catatonia, gait and coordination. (I’ve had all of these at one time or another. It took a long time to figure out it was mostly due to my brain and trauma)

SPEECH AND LANGUAGE: Clarity, Speed, Volume, Relevancy, Pressured, Hesitant, Coherence and Fluency (So I really don’t do well in this department. If I am manic I will talk fast and go from topic to topic, I will also repeat myself. If in a depressive episode my voice is quieter, I have trouble finding words and if it’s a really bad day I will stutter or hesitated before saying a word. Either way it’s embarrassing when I’m in public I usually have to sit in my car and cry for a little bit before I can drive.)

THIS IS IT FOR NOW BUT THERE WILL BE MORE. I HOPE PEOPLE ARE INTERESTED. I ENJOY LEARNING AND RESEARCHING I ALSO DON’T THINK I’LL BE TRAVELING ANYWHERE SO I NEED A PROJECT. BBA3eDB

 


INSECURE CONFUSION ISOLATION PAIN REGRET OUTCAST FEAR

Most people know that music has been a part of my life since before I was born. It started with Elvis then went to Black Sabbath, AC/DC, Meatloaf, Super Tramp, everything my brother listened to, then what I learned to like on my own. I love lyrics. This is probably why I never really liked Led Zeppelin and some other groups that did long drum or guitar solos.

People in my life don’t understand why I get so worked up over the death of someone I didn’t know or comments made about the death of someone I didn’t know.

It’s because a large majority of people in the music industry (up to 70%) have a mental health/addiction problem. People who are bipolar have a tendency to be drawn to music, language, and alcohol. The research also shows that people who are bipolar are generally more intelligent. (I’m not just saying this because I’m bipolar)

When I listen to music I hear the lyrics first. Some lyrics are why I love the bands I do. I have songs I listen to when I want to feel good about myself and songs for when I’m down. But you’ll never know the feeling of hearing a song that describes you to a T when you don’t even know what’s wrong with you. All you can do is sit and cry because you realize you aren’t the only one. You’re in your early 30’s and you finally find someone who is singing your life and you’re not alone. That band was Blue October. I want to thank them for the song “Hate Me” which is so much like my mother and I. All I could do is sit there and sob. It started a slow change in me. I’m a work in progress that I probably won’t get to finish.

I’m leaning towards taking that road trip because I need to do something an adult would do. I need to see new things, meet new people (within reason). My best friend W said I should go for it and she has a degree in Psychology but works for the Post Office because it pays better. lol

So I’m thinking, making lists, thinking, making lists, and maybe I’ll actually get in the car and go.


PSYCHEDELICS IN MENTAL HEALTH & WHERE’S DAVE?

I shouldn’t keep bothering poor Dave. I’m going to wind up with a restraining order when actually I’m just worried. I don’t want to date him, marry him, touch him (maybe his hair) or anything I just recognize the look in someone’s eyes that I’ve seen in my own.

Psychedelics are the new “IT” drug/treatment for Trauma/Addiction/Depression, the problem is there isn’t enough recent research on the effects of Psychedelics on different disorders to make it a sure thing.

From 1949 to 1973 there were 21 studies published involving a total of 423 patients. Only 4 of the studies used control groups and descriptions of the patients were not very specific. They didn’t differentiate between patients with depression or anxiety disorders. Most of the studies were done on inpatients who knew they were getting a psychedelic drug beforehand. This causes the person to have expectations or preconceptions before the study even started.

What researchers can agree on is that it does help with treating alcoholism/addiction. But funding for more recent research probably won’t happen. Psychedelics are not patentable so there’s no money to be made, patients would only have to take single doses rather then repeated doses. This means less money for Pharmaceutical Companies and they won’t let that happen.

James Rucker, MD, MRCPsych, PhD, of the King’s College London Institute of Psychiatry has done some recent research and gone over all of the old research. The one thing that is concerning is the recent research that suggests patients with a history of Bipolar Disorder, Psychosis, First degree relatives with Psychosis, histories of self harm or suicide attempts should be excluded from Psychedelic use.

People with Mood Disorders have been known to feel “self aware, enlightened or feel they see the world differently” but only for a short time before they enter into a depressive episode.

I’ve researched this extensively and this was the first time I had read this information. I have to say that it makes sense to me from people I know that have tried it.

The brain is so complex without further studies it’s too risky for me.

 


Suicide Shaming

I was scrolling through Instagram recently when a picture popped up of a musician who had done a charity event for a friend who had died in a car accident. He didn’t do much performing from what I understand he mostly talked. There were other musicians that performed but his name was more recognizable. I read the comments which I usually don’t like to do but I’m a glutton for punishment.

The musician I’m referring to had made comments about how his friend deserved a tribute unlike the “cowards who took the easy way out” these may not be his exact words because it’s been removed from Instagram in the last few hours.

He’s known for putting his large foot in his mouth and not really caring until it starts to interfere with his ticket sales or Social Media numbers. Then he back peddles.

I’ve always admired his vocal range and song writing. I read several interviews where he said he was sober. They were from reputable sources and he also said it on a TV interview. When another musician overdosed he had said that he didn’t understand because they had just had dinner together and were both sober.

This is a case of people in glass houses. Unless you’re perfect keep your comments to yourself.

I’ve met you, watched you drink from a bottle of Red under your chair, recognized the bluish-purple stain of your teeth, talked to you while you were drunk in the last 2 years. I don’t think you’ve ever truly been sober for any length of time. You belong to that secret club that believes you can drink as long as it’s “controlled”. There are other people in this club I know and it doesn’t work.

You have no right to say who deserves something and who doesn’t. You’re drinking to mask a pain you don’t want to face. These people were trying to face their pain but combined with mental illness it was maybe too much. I don’t know and you don’t know what was going on. I do know the pain, shame, and hopelessness you feel while at your lowest point. You don’t even think of reaching out. Some of us don’t have anyone to reach out to. We fear hospitalization because honestly it’s horrendous.

There’s no simple answer to this subject. It’s complex because every human is different with different brain chemistry, genetics, environment, life experience, you can’t predict or pretend to know what a person is feeling or how they will react.

I see more and more self-help propaganda that frustrates me to no end. We are talking about the brain. It’s so complex that the top scientists in the World admit they just don’t know when it comes to serious mental illness and brain disorders. THEY DON’T KNOW.

But go ahead and take advice from a person with no degree in Medicine, Psychiatry, Neurology or Neuropharmacology because they would know right?1037361horace-poet-it-is-the-false-shame-of-fools-to-try-to-conceal-wounds


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