Tag Archives: Holidays

OVERTHINKING CHRISTMAS

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When I was little I enjoyed Christmas I think. There were only a few occasions where I received gifts where I was excited or surprised that the person actually knew me enough to know what I would enjoy.

What’s odd is that these gifts came from my brother. The only thing is he kind of ruined his gifts by including himself.

One year it was tickets to see John Mellencamp. I was probably 15 at the time. It would’ve been one of best shows ever if my brother hadn’t been drunk and trying to take other people’s seats the entire time. I spent most of my time worrying about him getting thrown out.

Another gift was a limo for the night, tickets to see Blue Man Group, reservations and an all paid for meal at a 5 star Restaurant in Boston and a Dual Piano Bar. Again all of this would’ve been wonderful if my brother wasn’t part of the deal. If he didn’t smoke in the limo, get drunk at the restaurant, and start a fight at the Piano Bar.

I enjoy giving gifts more than receiving them. I love seeing someone’s face light up. I remember when my Dad bought my Mom the first diamonds she ever owned. He wrapped them up so she had to open 7 different boxes to get to them but the look on her face had me crying for an hour. She was so shocked that he did it on his own. He did it because he loved her. It was outside his comfort zone and I can’t picture him going to a Jewelers by himself but he did. It was worth it to see her face.

Every year at Blockbuster we had Secret Santa with the Managers, HR, and the owner. We had a minimum of $50 which is kind of high for most places and I usually went over it.

One Manager was huge wrestling fan. I mean he went to every event and did some photography for them. He went to conventions all over the U.S. too. I got his name one year. What no one knew is that I was a wrestling fan, my brother was also. I had several autographed pictures of wrestlers in the Hall of Fame, Chief Jay Strongbow, Gorilla Monsoon, and Pedro Morales. I put them in nice frames and also got him his favorite candy and Gift Certificate for his wife’s favorite restaurant. When he opened it he said “Hey, thanks”.

I got the owner and knew a lot about her already but worked with one of her kids so I did some more research. She loved this one jewelry designer from Newport. I got her a charm necklace from the designer with a charms from her life. One charm was a beautiful palm tree with a stone it and the other a tennis racket. Both gold. Then they had a matching bracelet that I got with charms to represent the kids. I also made her Peanut Butter Balls Gluten Free because she also has Celiac. Her response was “Thanks”.

I gave my sister a necklace one year that had two Ds entwined (both our first names begin with D) there was also a garnet in it. I had the back engraved with a personal note. It was Platinum, her favorite. She responded like everyone else and never wore it. Never talked about it. It wasn’t the cost. It was the fact that I took time, thought and love to do that and it didn’t matter. I know she has no idea where it is.

SOME GOOD NEWS

My Dad has talked about wanting to read John McCain’s family memoirs “Faith of My Father’s” for years. With Mr. McCain’s health in the news lately I decided to order the book for my Dad. I even had it gift wrapped. It came yesterday in a gorgeous forest green gauze gift bag. My Dad looked so confused. He had no idea what it was. I left the room while he opened it. I heard him while he opened it. “I’ll be Goddamned!” then I heard his voice break. I started to cry in the kitchen because I did it, I gave him something that mattered. He came and hugged me for the longest time and I was happy in that moment.

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TRIP TO L.A.~A CHRISTMAS PRESENT TO MYSELF

I’m not a World Traveler by any means. But I have been to different areas of Florida, Virginia, Ohio, Massachusetts, Connecticut, New York, Maine, New Hampshire, and California.

Of all my trips L.A. remains my favorite. I should say West Hollywood. I felt like I was more at home than when I was actually home. I was 135 pounds heavier at the time and expected to feel uncomfortable. Instead I was treated like everyone else. It could have been the places I went to. We went to The Rainbow, The Roxy, and The Whisky. I felt comfortable at all of them but The Rainbow was my favorite.

I stayed at a boutique hotel The Chamberlain. I loved it. It had a pool on the roof and the rooms had an unique decor. The staff was friendly and helpful and it was in the perfect area.

The reason I want to take a trip soon is that I find myself disliking the Holidays more and more. I have not received a Christmas present since my mom passed away. I don’t really expect any but I give presents to the people I love anyway.

Every year it’s a battle. My dad wants to pretend that Thanksgiving and Christmas do not exist. I kind of feel the same. The rest of the family (my ex sister in law in particular) hounds him about going to a family member’s house for a celebration. This just upsets him more and I have to deal with it. Then they attack me and want me to force him. I’m not doing it.

I thought this year if I took a trip I could avoid all this. Maybe my sister would have to deal with my dad. Although that didn’t quite work out last time I took a trip. Someone is going to have to step up because life is short.

I don’t want to be morbid but my life expectancy with all of the combined physical and psychological problems I have isn’t exactly high. The fact I have one kidney and compromised autoimmune system isn’t great. I want to stuff while I still can. When I try to explain this I get the brush off. My family doesn’t want to believe me or they just don’t believe me.

I went so far as to show my dad my medical records. He couldn’t comprehend anything it was too much. My sister won’t even bother.

So I’m doing this for myself. That’s if I can work up the courage to actually do it.667087f7bf9fd5aacec140a4407260b8


I Wish You Were A Beer

 

I  don’t really wish anyone was a beer. I have Celiac and can’t drink it anyway. Today is one of the few days I’ve thought of drinking again. I won’t because I can’t even handle a cup of coffee and eating Gluten Free Caramels without feeling sick. I do want the pain and guilt to go away.

My  sister thinks her easy solution of my moving out is the answer. It isn’t. I’ve never lived anywhere but the house I grew up in. Your problems move with you.

When the Doctor said at my last appointment in FRONT of my father that my Bipolar meds probably had not been working correctly for some time I thought “well duh!”. My father and sister seem to be clueless when it comes to this and it’s pissing me off.

When your kidneys aren’t working and your Bipolar meds aren’t working and you feel tired, have no appetite, are nauseous all the time, and confused it sucks. It sucks more when no one really notices or are so used to you being sick they don’t know when it’s worse. I never want to bother them because I’M ALWAYS SICK. So it get’s to the point where you are near death before anything get’s done.

My father and I are fighting all the time. He wants to give up on life. I’m trying not to. I don’t want him to. I thought when he got older he would travel a little and enjoy life more. Instead he has dialysis 3 times a week and only cares about his pigeons and selling his clocks. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t save him. I can’t change him just like he can’t change me. He can’t be mean and intimidating anymore either. I won’t take it. I took it from men when I was younger I won’t do it now.

Neither my sister or father understand how sick I am. I’m a Struggling to Stay Sober Bipolar with Acute Kidney Failure and I’ve stumped some very good Doctors with why my Kidneys keep failing. I also have some rare other conditions. They don’t care. One test said Amyloidosis then another said no, one test said I had Monoclonal Gammopathy a protein in your blood that goes along with Celiac that can cause Kidneys to shut down. The Doctors said even though I test positive for this it isn’t why my kidneys failed. There is also a Neuromuscular dysfunction of my bladder but don’t think that is why either. I have abnormal urination. LOL Is there anything normal about me?

Don’t forget I also have Conversion Disorder. Even though it’s diagnosed more frequently a true case is rare. I happen to be one of those rare true specimens that researchers would like to study and film in the name of science. Of course they would have to set off my Conversion Disorder and make it worse to do this. This would involve aggressive loud men, loud metal, dark corners, loud noises, people arguing, death, etc. Sounds fun right? Then I would stutter to the point of being unable to speak at all. Sometimes I have trouble swallowing. Then my hands tremor and eventually it goes to my legs. The stuttering happens daily.

I don’t want sympathy. I want to be left alone. I want my sister to stop saying she “wants her sister back the way she used to be” because I don’t remember what that is anymore.

I want my father to stop threatening me. I’m all he has and he knows it.

I want everyone to pay attention. Do I look healthy to you??? Then stop thinking or saying I’m lazy. I fell on the kitchen floor this morning from standing too fast. I couldn’t lift myself up. The muscle wasting in my arms is so bad I couldn’t lift any part of me. I was there for 2 hours. Is that something anyone would enjoy? By the way my floors are yellow linoleum in the kitchen, old, probably dirty and hard.

Anyone knows a good Urologist/Nephrologist in Boston let me know. My Doctor’s pride is getting in his way. On one hand he says it’s urgent he find me a Doctor in Boston but then hasn’t contacted me in over a week.

About the Holidays. Most people fight with their families. Some people drink too much and fight with their families. Some people fall off the wagon. If you fall off the wagon don’t let shame or what other people say  keep you from trying again. Family? Well, I’ve always believed in family. Lately I’ve come to realize that sometimes they will do you more harm than good. You can still love them but I may have to keep a distance and try to be around more positive environments. If my dad needs me I’ll be there. If my sister needs me it will have to depend on a few things. My brother? Wait, did you know I have an older brother? lol That kind of answers the question.

I watched my mom give away pieces of herself until there was nothing left. Then when she needed support from her family they were nowhere to be found until her funeral. Six brothers and sisters she raised and received nothing in return but heartache. I won’t be like that. She gave the shirt off her back to anyone who needed it. She fed the world. In the end she had nothing left. It sounds selfish but I wish she hadn’t been so giving, she thought by giving she would get love in return. I learned faster it doesn’t work that way.

I have so much to figure out. It’s hard to do when your brain isn’t working right. I’ll give myself until my 43rd birthday on January 11th. No point in doing it now but I do have to make some changes. The one thing standing in my way is fear.


Holiday Torment

Every year my mom cooked for the Holidays. She was an excellent cook. She made the best stuffing I’ve ever had. I would make sandwiches out of it with just stuffing and mayo. I know it sounds gross but it wasn’t. She did Thanksgiving and Christmas. She also did Easter and St. Patrick’s Day. There was only one thing that she didn’t like to do or wasn’t the greatest at and that was baking. That gene went to me.

I remember most of the time we would almost be done eating by the time my mom got to sit down to eat. I never appreciated that. I remember her trying to hide the turkey from me because I would steal the cooked crispy pieces of skin. I would still get to it. I would hear my name being screamed and I would laugh and hide. When the turkey was brought to the table there would be bald patches where I took the skin. It got to the point where she would just cut me off pieces of the skin and slice up the turkey before bringing it to the table. This was because she loved me.

All Holidays stopped for me February 21, 2008 at 10:07 p.m. This is when she passed away in front of me. She was probably gone before I got there but they had to make it look good.

My Annie, my mom, gone at 62. After a life filled with sorrow and pain and then finally some joy is taken away. How can you celebrate a Holiday after the light in the room is no longer there?

This year I decided we needed to do Thanksgiving. My father and I have a lot to be thankful for. Both of us have survived or cheated death this year. I would say that deserves a celebration. So I am doing all the cooking if I can keep my father out of the way! What a pain in the ass! He cooked in the Navy and thinks he knows everything. He knows Creamed Chipped Beef on Toast! I’m making an Italian Love Cake, Turkey, Stuffing, Mashed Potatoes, Gravy, and a Vegetable his Highness can agree on. I remind you this all has to be Gluten Free. Not so easy but if I’m left alone it’s easier. I just want the Italian Love Cake.

I’m hoping this will help change things. I’m also going to slowly bring in some Christmas decorations. My mother wouldn’t want us to be this way. She would want us to be loud and laughing like she always was.

My father and I will never be loud but we can try to have a good day together. Maybe.867961e557f4b8a6c46fdeba855a6ed4


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