TO TELL THE TRUTH WILL BE THE HARDEST THING YOU DO

My parents always lived paycheck to paycheck but did their best to make sure their children were loved and taken care of. When my twin sister and I were babies we were in cribs that had wheels. The wheels supposedly locked in place but my mom came in to check on us one night and my crib somehow was across the room and not where it was supposed to be. My mom was frightened and couldn’t understand how it had happened. She put it to the back of her mind. Except it kept happening. My parents finally realized I could pull myself up and I was rocking back and forth. I would continue this soothing behavior for the rest of my life. Whether it was side to side or back and forth I’ve done it since I could talk. What does that say?

I also bounced one leg like a jackhammer without even realizing I was doing it. Teachers would call me out publicly for doing so. Rocking side to side while standing in the lunch line in Elementary School didn’t help either. It’s surprising how many teachers feed into the bullying of someone who is different.

Anxiety started at such an early age I didn’t know what it was. I thought maybe I was dying, adopted, an alien, robot, a mistake, I never thought I belonged, I always knew I was different. People around me at some point or another made sure I knew it too. Little jabs and comments from relatives they thought I didn’t hear or understand. The kids at school, teachers, and now even Doctors.

I always had trouble being away from my Mom for any length of time. In my early teens I did cut myself occasionally to distract my brain. I’d have to deal with the actual physical pain instead of the mental pain for at least awhile. But I knew I couldn’t do it often because my Mom was the nosiest woman on the Planet and noticed everything. I think she really did have eyes in the back of her head.

Besides the rocking that started so early I also had nosebleeds that started at the same time. I’ve told the story before where a babysitter wasn’t told about my nosebleeds or how I could move my crib. When she looked in our room all she saw was blood all over the walls and my crib way across the other side of the room. Not a good night for her.

The nosebleeds continued until I turned 12 when a Doctor decided to take out my tonsils and adenoids. By that time I had my nose cauterized 3 times. If you’ve never had it done let me paint you a picture. In the movies when someone is stranded without medical attention and a wound won’t stop bleeding and they’re afraid of infection someone will heat a piece of metal/iron until it glows red. At that time they press it to seal the wound. In modern times they use a chemical version that’s shoved up your nose. It still hurts like hell. Again, no one bothered to find out why I was having nosebleeds almost everyday. No one bothered to find out why I was rocking either.

I talk about these things now because the brain is more complex than anyone will ever know in our lifetime. We can’t know why a person makes the choices they do because we don’t live in their head. We haven’t been through what they have. Not everyone can pray away their pain, talk away their hopelessness, when they don’t even know why they feel it in the first place.

Most of the time I asked myself “What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you be happy like everyone else? If your own twin can do it so can you. Are you stupid? A mistake? What’s wrong with me?” Having a twin who is living a “normal” life is excruciating to watch and feel. It isn’t resentment. It’s regret.

While I was drunk one night I found out a person I cared about had said and done some upsetting things. He had called me names which I should’ve expected, he told everyone he was only with me to get close to my best friend W, he wouldn’t normally sleep with a “fat bitch” like me, and to top it off I walked in on him kissing W. I grabbed a knife from the sink and started slicing. I was pissed, hurt, and somehow thought it would show them something. What I don’t know. It took awhile for W to find me and take me to the Hospital. My parents weren’t called that time because W was there to back up my lie.

I slit my wrists one more time, overdosed twice, and jumped off the roof of a building (I was too drunk to realize how close to the ground I was). Anyone who fails that many times really needs to give up and accept there’s a reason why you are not succeeding.

I’ve been reading new research. It shows a link between women who had a virus while pregnant that passed to their baby’s brain. A neurologist told me my mother must of had a virus while pregnant because it showed where I had an infection in my brain at one time that caused continuous swelling. This is also linked to mental illness.

The Danish finished research recently where they found that between the years 1945-1995 92,000 Danes were diagnosed with a mood disorder, 36,000 of them had a severe infection or developed an autoimmune disease at some point before being diagnosed with a mood disorder.

The research is strong between inflammation and mental illness. I can’t overlook it considering I have Celiac Disease, Degenerative Disc Disease, Osteoporosis, Spinal Stenosis, Arthritis, and various other problems. There’s also a genetic factor and ethnic factor. It mostly happens with people from Celtic descent. This would be my Mom’s entire family. My Nanny’s side and Poppy’s side both. My mother’s maiden name translates to “dark stranger” from when the Norse invaded Ireland and settled there. Eventually the Norse name became my mom’s maiden name which matches the information we have about where my Grandfather came from in Ireland.

I think I’m off track. It’s almost 4:00 p.m. and my thought process goes downhill starting at 3:00 p.m. so I only have a little bit of time left.

What I wanted to really say is it’s nice to try to reach out to people who need help. If you do it the right way. Blaming someone who is already gone is pointless. When a person is spiraling downward in their own head you can’t get through, believe me I know this first hand. If Psychosis is involved and the person is hearing a voice telling them how useless they are, they’re a piece of shit, their kids would be better off without them so would their entire family, they hurt everyone around them they should just disappear, it’s almost impossible to make that person listen or to expect that person to call you and talk.

There’s nothing rational about suicide so expecting the person to act rational and call someone for help isn’t rational. That’s why it hurts everyone involved as much as it does. Even when the person survives an attempt their life is no longer their own. Trust is gone, relationships damaged beyond repair, no one knows what to say or do so they pretend you are no longer there as if you actually did die. That’s my experience from my life because I’ve lived it. I didn’t read about it in a book or watch 13 Reasons Why I live it and I’m still living it. But the key word in all that I’ve said is “live”.

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AMY SCHUMER AND CRAZY DANGEROUS PEOPLE

I recently watched the movie Trainwreck with Amy Schumer in it. She wasn’t bad in it and I thought it was kind of cute. I had forgotten why it was I cringed upon hearing her name or seeing her face. Then I remembered. It was a press conference she did with her distant cousin Senator Chuck Schumer about gun control.

Let me start by saying that I agree we need a better way to control guns in the United States. There is no reason your average Joe/Jane should have an automatic weapon unless they have credible evidence of an alien invasion or Putin landing in their back yard.

What I do disagree with is the lumping together of “felons, the mentally ill, or other dangerous people.” Statistics REPEATEDLY show that the mentally ill have more violent acts committed against them than anyone. We are NOT ALL THE SAME.

During the press conference Amy Schumer said “Critics say There’s no way to stop crazy people from doing crazy things” but they’re wrong, there is way to stop them. Preventing dangerous people from getting guns is very possible.”

Ms. Schumer continues with “No one wants to live in a country where a Felon, the Mentally Ill, or Other Dangerous people can get their hands on a gun with such ease.”.

So Ms. Schumer links crazy people, the mentally ill and dangerous all together. We are all the same to her no mater what. Should I be able to vote? Should I be able to live around children? What exactly am I allowed to do? If Society had it’s way the entire population of Mentally Ill would be sent to live on a private island where their tax dollars supposedly wouldn’t have to be wasted on them.

Enough is Enough! I am a human being. I am not a monster hiding in a closet. I cry too much, I hate myself, I sometimes get angry. The only person I have ever tried to KILL IS ME!! The stigma, loss of friends and family, hasn’t made it any easier. Throw sobriety on top of that shit storm and it’s a wonder I’m still here. But I am. I also have more empathy and sympathy than Ms. Schumer.

At a Roast for Charlie Sheen she made a cruel joke about Steve O. She said “Sorry for the loss of your friend Ryan Dunn, I know you must have been thinking “It could’ve been me” and we were all thinking “why wasn’t it!”. So she thinks a man dying in a drunk driving accident who was an alcoholic is entertainment. Making jokes about his best friend dying instead who has also struggled with addiction/depression is a way forward for anyone with a Mental Health issue like addiction and depression? She should run for President.

Ms. Schumer was born in 1981. I guess crazy dangerous women age slower. Or the alcohol did some kind of embalming process on my skin. Either way you know what I’m saying.

 

I’m not great at insults because I don’t like to do it. I’m passive aggressive. But this kind of behavior spreads. I don’t need it or want it.mv5bmtq4mjgwntmyov5bml5banbnxkftztgwmtc1mji0nde-_v1_sy1000_cr006311000_al_

 

CAN ANYONE BE HELD LEGALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR A SUICIDE?

I’m not referring to medically assisted suicide. That is an entire different issue. What I am talking about is if someone commits suicide using medication that was prescribed to you. If you willingly gave it to them or they took it from you. If they left behind a suicide note explaining their reasons for taking their life and you are one of them.

This is my opinion. The decision to take your own life is one only you make. Some people call suicide selfish. There are those in Society that ask why didn’t that person think about the loved ones they would be leaving behind? The truth is most of them are thinking about their own pain or how much of a burden they are to their loved ones. They are ill. When you are caught up in your illness you are not thinking clearly.

The media published someone’s suicide note not long ago. This made me furious. This was a private communication that wasn’t supposed to be seen by the public. It was heavy subject matter and heartbreaking. I read it before realizing what it was I was reading. I now wish I hadn’t. The person who committed suicide has a family that is now looking to blame someone and has brought a lawsuit against the woman’s ex-boyfriend. His name was on the prescription bottles and mentioned in the note.

The real problem is that she had these issues before. This wasn’t new behavior. There is no living person to blame. She chose to take her life because she was in unbearable pain. The kind of pain most of Society knows nothing about. The kind of pain that gnaws at you 24 hours a day and never stops. The kind of pain where you feel like there’s a hole in the middle of your chest, a giant aching hole. The kind of pain where you scream and cry into a towel or a pillow so no one can hear you until you fall asleep. The kind of pain that makes your hands feel numb or tingle and there’s a static in your brain, you find yourself rocking back and forth for long periods of time with tears streaming down your face. The kind of pain no one understands or wants to really talk about.

This could be me.

The above story is true. Jim Carrey is going through it right now. I wish him the best of luck. Two troubled people fell in love. One is dead by her own actions and decisions. It is incredibly sad but there is no blame here.

WORDS & NUMBERS

It seems that lately when you turn on the television there is a “Breaking News” report. It isn’t just an attack overseas or race related in the United States. More times than I would like to hear the violence is often attributed to someone who is “mentally ill”. Sometimes the News Stations will actually give the diagnosis of Schizophrenia or Bipolar Disorder. According to my recent count Bipolar is in the lead. Even though Bipolar Disorder comes in many different variations, that part never seems to be discussed. The fact that a person can and probably does have a coexisting illness like substance abuse or another underlying mental illness is somehow kept out of the discussions also.

To make matters worse we have the recent Scientific Study published by JAMA Psychiatry. It was made available July 13, 2016. The Study was actually done by Dr. Seena Fazelm, University of Oxford. The study uses 2.8 million subjects from the years 1958 to 1988. The Study focuses on the range of triggers for violent acts in patients with psychotic disorders and those with a psychiatric diagnosis.

There were six triggers used to examine the response of the participants.

  • Exposure to violence
  • Parental Bereavement
  • Self-harm
  • Traumatic Brain Injury
  • Unintentional Injury
  • Substance Abuse

34,903 Schizophrenic individuals participated in this study. They had the highest incident for violent crime after being exposed to a trigger within a week.

29,692 Bipolar individuals participated in this study. They came in second for having the highest incident for violent crime after being exposed to a trigger within a week.

The rest came in last with a low rate of incidence.

Let’s disregard for a moment that the study’s time frame does make a difference. Medication, Therapy, and many other circumstances have changed since 1988. I can’t imagine a worse time period to study the mentally ill than 1958 to 1988. There are many documentaries that you can watch to prove this. Cropsey comes to mind.

Another issue is grouping Bipolar Disorder as a whole and not breaking it down like it should be. Even though I have 2 Schizophrenic family members I’m not as sure of the differences. They both had extreme paranoia at times. Both thought people spoke to them that were not there and both hallucinated at times. It seemed similar to me but they were brother and sister and that could’ve been why. My apologies for not doing more research in that area. Neither one of them were ever violent that I know of. My Uncle Jimmy could have had to be because he was often homeless and in an area where there was often violence. I really don’t think so. Due to his height 6’4″ and his look I think they would’ve left him alone.

I also would like to know what the difference would be in people with PTSD faced with the same triggers. Isn’t it almost the same? If I had gone through a traumatic event, which I have, and a week later something or someone pushes my mind back to that event and I feel cornered or threatened wouldn’t I think I was defending myself? Or preventing anything similar to the previous trauma from happening again?

Are the mentally ill more vulnerable to these triggers? Probably. What isn’t explained is what makes them so vulnerable. We are not a group of people, hiding in our basements with an arsenal of weapons,plotting ways to destroy “normal” lives.

The majority of us just want someone to say ” I hear you, I might not understand all of it but I’ll still be here”. I want my family to hug me again, to talk to me like they used to, to invite me to family outings. I want to see my nephews who are a part of me because they come from my twin sister. They were always so happy to see me they would run as fast as they could to jump in my arms. It’s been months since I’ve been allowed to see them. No one will tell me why.

The only one being hurt is me. I’m a number and word in black and white. I’ve usually only hurt myself and I have not done that in many years. It doesn’t mean I don’t think about it. For some reason when I think about it my headache goes away and I calm down. I know it isn’t healthy and I’ll find another way.

Right now with an election coming up, we need to do what we can to change the perception of mental illness and violence. We have to stop being used as scapegoats. At some point the medical community needs to be held accountable for it’s part.

IF IT BLEEDS IT LEADS

I have become an angry, negative person. I was also becoming someone who had lost the ability to empathize anymore. I had trouble with that to begin with unless it had to do with animals. It was when I saw 2 things, one in the newspaper and the other on TV that my feelings began to change.

The first item I saw had to do with a celebrity’s girlfriend or ex-girlfriend’s suicide. The autopsy results were released and the deeply personal suicide note to said celebrity was also released. The media made BOTH PUBLIC for all to read.

The biggest problem I have is this celebrity is known to be Bipolar and doesn’t take medication. He doesn’t talk about it much and does not advocate for the way he deals with his Bipolar Disorder. He figures it’s his choice and his alone. I have seen his decline in the last year, before and after the death of his girlfriend. One of his bestfriends I noticed was no longer seen in photos with him. I have an idea why.

Releasing the autopsy reports is iffy. She herself wasn’t in the public eye, it was ruled a suicide and not a homicide. I didn’t see the need to publicize it except for showing the different narcotics found in her system and who they had been prescribed to. The media had talked to her friends and family and found out that she would go through periods of extreme lows and highs.

The medications had been taken from the celebrity’s house. They had been prescribed under a fake name he often used. These were not your usual drugs. These were heavy narcotics. Different forms of morphine and propofol. I’m only guessing these were being used to self-medicate his Bipolar Disorder.

Publishing her suicide note for her friends and family to read is cruel. It was deeply personal and mostly about her relationship and love for him. When you throw two people together that are battling a storm without any survival tools it isn’t going to end well. Place the media in the face of the one left behind and we’re looking at a another potential tragedy.

Even someone who doesn’t have a mental illness would have a difficult time dealing with that pain and stress.  I wish him well and hope he reaches out to his friends and family that do still love him. You can’t hide behind a joke and a fake smile forever. It’s time to take off your mask and realize you will still be loved.

Bill Clinton And Tremors

I was catching up on the “news” this morning when my I spotted this little gem “Bill Clinton’s Hand Tremble Raises Health Questions”. First, I think they meant “Tremor” not “Tremble”. Second, Mr. Clinton has said in the past his hands tremor as a simple condition of aging. He also denied having Parkinson’s Disease.

Let me tell you why this annoys me. This subject shouldn’t even be a headline and has nothing to do with the state of his cognitive skills. He’s still an intelligent, competent man.

As people get older, many develop tremors. There is a genetic disorder that happens to many called Essential Tremors. Essential Tremors typically involve the arms, hands, head, vocal chords, and sometimes other body parts during voluntary movements like eating, writing, or dressing. It’s often misdiagnosed as Parkinson’s Disease.

One of the main differences between the two is with Parkinson’s the tremor is usually constant even when the affected muscle is at rest. With Essential Tremors the tremor only worsens with your intent to use that affected muscle. The more stress, fatigue, low blood sugar, caffeine and other outside influences in your life you have the worse they will get.

I was diagnosed with Essential Tremors at the age of 37. That is extremely young for an Essential Tremors diagnosis. The other problem was no one else in my family had them.

A few years went by and I received another diagnosis of Conversion Disorder. Supposedly that was causing the tremors and a newly developed stutter.

Since these diagnoses my father who is 72 has started to have tremors. We never thought about his side of the family. His father had passed away at an early age so we wouldn’t have known if he would’ve developed tremors. Essential Tremors usually do not start until you are in your mid 60’s or later.

I have also learned that Celiac Disease, an autoimmune disease not an allergy, can cause early onset tremors. I have Celiac Disease. Which if people looked at it like an autoimmune disease NOT AN ALLERGY we would all be a lot better off.

I thing the media needs to educate itself before writing an article specifically dealing with medical issues. Do you not have to take journalism classes anymore to be hired by a well known publication? Rolling Stone did have Sean Penn write his story so I guess not.

So as not to be a hypocrite this is a blog. I do not get paid for my thoughts and opinions. No one takes what I say as fact because a well known publication is sponsoring me. I am not a journalist. I don’t know what I am. I do know I am sick and tired of the lying and scheming and self-righteousness I keep seeing everyday. So I ramble and spew until I feel better.

Authority, Incarceration, Brutality and Celebrity

I am a Sober Bipolar Woman who happens to love movies. I also happen to have been arrested on several occasions in my drinking days. I was in my 20’s. I am also Caucasian. I live in a town where there are few African American families. There are not many in the surrounding towns either.

I have in my lifetime known quite a few men that have been in prison for long periods of time. They were all white. Their crimes were usually B & E or drug related. Some said it was illegal fishing but I fell for that only so many times.

I can honestly say that I have not met a police officer that I have found helpful or one that diffused a situation I was in. I was taught to respect an Officer of The Law no matter what and do what they tell you. My mother also said never run because it makes you look guilty. It was hard to stick to what I was told growing up.

I was always taken in for Drunken Disorderly. This happened in several towns. I can honestly tell you that each time the officers thought it was a joke, would watch me urinate, and leave me with nothing to cover myself or toilet paper. I was always dressed up to go out so they would leave me in my tank top and jeans and that was it. Then they would laugh. When I was beaten by one man the same officers did nothing except laugh again. They knew his father.

When my older brother was younger he was arrested all the time. He was 16 but looked 30. He stuck out in a crowd. He was 6’3″ and 220 pounds. When the police would break up a party who do you think they saw first? Who do you think ran first? My brother with the high IQ was always the first to run and the first to get caught. He had a court ordered curfew that a few on the local force would make him late for on purpose. Jaywalking was their favorite. He was hated by them. They would say his name like Seinfeld would say Newman. When he first got back from the Army and they found out, he was stopped and handcuffed because he looked like a “robbery suspect” they were in pursuit of. He was in uniform. His wife and newborn baby in the car with him. I admit a lot of it he brought on himself but some was over the line.

The point I’m trying to make is that not all people in a position of power are GOOD PEOPLE. Just because you passed the exam and you now have a badge doesn’t mean you are a good person doing the right thing. It isn’t an automatic and just doesn’t happen with different races, it happens with different economic classes also. Sometimes people abuse their power BECAUSE THEY CAN. So who has done more for me in the long run?

Now Quentin Tarantino has spoken out about Brutality involving some Police Forces. Not all. I heard him say it originally. Only the guilty, not ALL Officers of the Law. But Politicians and the Media would like to make a big deal out of it instead of looking in their own backyards and cleaning up the shit that’s there already. What does boycotting a movie do? Nothing. He’s still going to get paid and the movie is still going to be genius as always because he’s Quentin Tarantino.

Why do I write about this? One time when I quit drinking I did one thing. I watched movies. I watched so many movies they offered me a job. A job that lasted 13 years where I managed 2 stores at the same time for awhile. A job where I could watch all the movies I wanted and escape the pain of my life. Movies helped me with my Alcoholism, the death of my mother, and any other hard time I had. Without that escapism I wouldn’t be here. But I am not stupid. I do not let Hollywood influence my political or legal decisions.

I have not had any run ins with the law in many years. But if I have to drive by a place where I was incarcerated for the night it makes me feel sick and relieved at the same time. Relieved because I no longer live that life. Sick because I once did and it’s very easy to fall backwards.