I’M NOT MISSING ANYTHING AND THANK YOU DAD FOR NEVER GIVING UP

I have to face some facts that I have subconsciously ignoring.

Travel will not fix any of my problems. Things will never be like they were 10 or 15 years ago. And as much as I hate to admit it, my medications are not working and have not been working since I went into Kidney Failure. I have been cycling more than Lance Armstrong ever did. The constant pity party I have for myself has to stop. I did it because no one else around me showed an empathy or compassion.

I can’t blame them. They had developed a callous as far as I was concerned. Dealing with someone who always has a problem for well over 20 years makes you so used to it that you stop hearing it or stop paying attention. I get that.

I don’t understand how no Doctor can give me an answer about my medications. When I ask if having 1 kidney instead of 2 can cause my medications to break down differently, no one knows. I get another answer of “Your 1 kidney works at 70% which is like having 2 working kidneys so it shouldn’t interfere with anything”. How does that make sense. You have 2 kidneys that work at 100% per kidney. You lose complete function in one and 30% in the other. If my math is like the doctor’s 70% in one is as good as 200% total. To me that is idiotic. It makes no sense.

I don’t want to try new medications. I know what they are. I have tried 2 of the newer ones and they didn’t agree with me. Most of the newer medications are a variation of the 2 I tried already but my Psychiatrist will insist I try them anyway. Why? Because his hands are tied and he receives a million sample packs from Pharmaceutical Reps that visit him constantly.

Truth be told I don’t know how my dad handles everything. Never knowing what I’m thinking or if I’m going to do something irrational or hurt myself. He’s the only one that is always here for me. I love him. I love him more than anything. I apologize every single day to him. It will never be enough.

But I am lucky. So many people have no one. Not one person. I at least have that and need to be thankful.

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About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

12 responses to “I’M NOT MISSING ANYTHING AND THANK YOU DAD FOR NEVER GIVING UP

  • the narrator

    Oh 😦 my stents have been removed and I can only imagine what you must be going through. More strength to you…

    Liked by 1 person

  • the narrator

    Hey… Having gone through almost a kidney failure myself, I learnt that both kidneys normally function at 50% each. As one reduces it’s functioning, the other picks up. Having one kidney isn’t the same as having both and 70% is def not the same but I think it’s compensating. You need to figure diet out … I was put on a low protein diet. Not sure about the meds. The amount of water you consume also I think needs to be monitored. Again I’m talking based on my experience and can be completely wrong.
    Hope your health gets better soon and you get all the answers and help you need.
    ~A
    PS: It’s not just your dad who cares 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • darie73

      As it was explained to me by not very helpful Urologists or Nephrologists each kidney works separately at 100%. But they weren’t exactly trust worthy. The only thing they said diet wise is stay away from dark sodas and tea. lol I also have to drink a lot of water. My left kidney is enlarged because it’s over compensating. I have been to some of the best Doctors in New England including the Head of Urology at Mass General and none of them can explain why I went into kidney failure. The problem I have is rare for a woman in her early forties. It’s usually seen in older men with Prostate Cancer. Thank you for responding. It helps knowing what other people have learned.

      Like

    • the narrator

      Oh ok… I’m so sorry to hear about your complications. I’ve been on a 2 litre water limit for quite a few years now. My kidneys have become much better thanks to ayurvedic treatment.
      I hope things work out for you soon. Hang in there. Hugs…

      Liked by 1 person

    • darie73

      Thanks! No I have bilateral ureteral thickening, so I have to have stents in at all times. They have to be changed under anesthesia every 4 months.

      Liked by 1 person

  • bethanyk

    Have you had the MAPP test done? It is a genetic test that tells you if you can process certain medications or not. I had it done. It was helpful in what not to give me. But my psychiatrist gave up on trying meds, which sucks, because she said I just can’t tolerate any of them. But there are hundreds of meds. A more dedicated doc would not give up. But maybe I am just not meant for meds. Who knows but i know that struggle that’s for sure.I’m so glad you have your father

    Liked by 1 person

    • darie73

      No one has even suggested suck a test or tried to do blood test to see the level of medication in my system. It’s something I’m going to have to push my Doctors on.

      Liked by 1 person

    • bethanyk

      I wanted to suggest it because it was so helpful to me but I always get annoyed when people are like ” oh have you tried this, or that or acupuncture, or massage” but It helped me so much and I don’t think many know about it

      Liked by 1 person

  • Rob

    Yes gratitude is a fickle friend indeed. And in so much as he has his problems you two share that bond And Love can ultimately prevail if able to reach the surface

    Liked by 1 person

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