HARD TIMES, HARD ROCK, ALCOHOL, NOSTALGIA (Nothing Stays The Same)

I’ve tried hard not to lie on my blog. I won’t start now. I haven’t felt well in awhile. Not physically or mentally. When I have an overwhelming feeling to relive past experiences I know I’m headed down the rabbit hole. I don’t mean relive them in my head, I mean actually do them again or something similar.

I can’t hop on a plane to L.A. and have drinks with Lars, I can’t hop on a plane and annoy Sebastian Bach, I can’t charm my way on to a bus filled with musicians. I miss those days. It isn’t so much the drinking I miss, it was the person I was able to be. No medication or therapy has ever made me feel like that person. In my head I was confident, funny, smart, pretty, and everyone wanted to be around me. In some cases that was true. But mostly it wasn’t. It was nice that I didn’t know or care what anyone thought at the time. Those were brief periods of drinking where the Worm didn’t come out to play.

When I drank no one knew who I would be at a certain point in my drinking. My best friend called it “The Turn of Worm”. That was when I would become reckless, mean, or on occasion violent. Sometimes I would hurt myself. I jumped off of the deck of a building one time. It wasn’t high up so I hadn’t done any real damage to myself. My best friend wasn’t happy. She rarely showed emotion except when it came to me. Now she doesn’t show me anything anymore. I can’t blame her. I just don’t understand why you would babysit someone for over 20 years and then wait until they’ve been sober almost 9 years before letting them go? She actually started to pull away sooner than that if I’m honest. This breaks something deep inside me that I can’t even name. She knew me better than my twin.

I care too much about everything and everyone since I stopped drinking. Emotional overload has made me weak and tired. I feel the way I did as a child only my mom isn’t here to comfort me. She always knew I was different. I would hear her talking to my Dad. She would tell him I was more sensitive than other children and to just “leave me be”. So that’s what they did for as long as I can remember. I went to my mom to cry. I missed school a lot of days sometimes when I said my “stomach hurt” and they didn’t question it. My father only recently said to me what he thought “I should’ve ignored your mother and taken you to a doctor when you were little. Maybe you wouldn’t be like this now”. It doesn’t do any good to try to blame anyone. I know he has blamed her side of the family many times. I personally have blamed my Grandmother. I think she was a rotten Mother and a horrible person in general.

I constantly feel an ache inside me. It never stops except when I sleep. I have been to countless Doctors and Therapists. I’ve done every different method suggested from visualizing a stop sign, writing a daily journal, changing my diet, ECT, so many different combinations of medications I’ve lost count. I’ve been asked if I can be videotaped for students to watch like a lab experiment, my dignity and pride lost a long time ago.

There is nothing that interests me anymore.

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15 responses to “HARD TIMES, HARD ROCK, ALCOHOL, NOSTALGIA (Nothing Stays The Same)

  1. I just had someone comment on the blog post, it may be the one you commented on, that told me to just heal myself. Honey, would if I could, and like you said, I’ve tried it all! I listed to her everything I have tried and it has been a lot. We have spent 100,000 dollars in the last 15 years. Could have put that toward a better house! But just circle around the drain with the cycle of lets try this doc, no lets try acupuncture, not lets try holistic, no lets go to the Mayo Clinic. I figure if after 30 years they can’t figure me out, then I will just do the best I can. Sorry to ramble on. Your blog! I just connected with what you write.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Rambling is what I do best. If someone said to my face to “heal myself” I know I would not respond well. In the past when comments have been said to me in person I can feel a buzzing in my ears and such a feeling of anger that I have to remove myself from the situation.

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  2. But you write on and write on you must! Your story is valid and essential to those who read you! I know I get a lot out of your words, so I know you are helping others. You are not alone in some of the emotions you are experiencing my friend. I don’t have the courage to put everything out there yet. Better Sit Down is the closest I’ve come, and I shocked myself I even wrote that. One day I’ll have your kind of courage. You take good care! You know I’m out here for you, always

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    • Sometimes I have days where I’m worse. It can continue for quite a long time. Sometimes I have stopped my meds for a day or two and “rebooted” sometimes it works. The fact that there’s several inches of snow outside doesn’t help. I also have to learn that some problems ARE MY DAD’S TO DEAL WITH. As much as I love animals I know that parrot is beyond repair, and that’s on him not me. I’ll be okay. I also sometimes think I should not be a rock star but manage them or advise them. Grandiosity at it’s best. lol Plus isolation.

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    • Yes, you certainly have a lot on your plate. A Rock Star? Hmmm, so you’re famous then, lol. I had no idea. I feel you on the snow. It’s ok to have around for a little while, but then I want it to die. It’s time to kill the parrot unfortunately. Take good care!

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    • Not a Rock Star, but I’ve met so many and had so much fun in the past that sometimes I miss it. Or I’ll be listening to one talk and laughing at things that only people who were around at the time would laugh it and think “We should hang out”. That’s not crazy at all!!!! It’s how I get in trouble. A lot of trouble. It’s almost time to hide in my room again. My dad just came in and sound angry.

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  3. I just so happened upon your blog and I’m sorry that you feel the way you feel ..today or everyday? My 20 year old son also suffers from bipolar, PTSD, adhd, any kind of acronym…he’s had symptoms or been diagnosed with it. He now suffers from a meth addiction alcohol. He relapsed just recently and I’m hoping he gets himself to this place that is waiting for him to receive some help. This place helps with dual diagnosis, so he won’t only be treated for his addictions. He started taking his meds again in May but stopped after a few short weeks and returned to his using.
    I did try my best with him, had him see Dr’s, psychiatrists, etc. But he grew up and I could no longer control that.
    I’ll pray for you…and thank you for sharing this intimate part of your life. Thank u.

    Liked by 1 person

    • The biggest thing is that instead of drinking or hurting myself I wrote my feelings on my blog. I have a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder, Conversion Disorder (a complicated form of PTSD or Somatoform Disorder), Alcoholism, Social Phobia, Anxiety, everything. The place that’s waiting for him sounds good. There isn’t many that deal with addiction and mental health together. The one problem is your son has to be ready. Most young men stop their meds because of the side effects and go back to self medicating. Finding the correct combo is important. If he has access to a computer he might find reading or interacting with blogs safer at first. Good luck. Thank you!

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    • That’s the scary part…I hope he’s ready. And he is also a writer of both music and general writings but he’s always said he was no good at it. But he really is. I’ve never heard of conversion disorder, interesting. And yes there aren’t many dual diagnosis facilities but thank God we found this one that takes my insurance.
      And thank you!! I’ll continue following your blog.

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    • Thank you. I have a lot of older stuff you might relate to or he might. It’s a hard road on both a parent and child. My mom passed away before I was diagnosed and blamed herself for everything. My biggest regret is she blamed herself. It isn’t anyone’s fault, there is no blame.

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    • I have alot of guilt myself because I did make bad decisions and choices in my life that affected my children too, but I’ve come to terms with those things. And I have been told by my own therapist that it is not my fault. My last session..my graduating session was almost 2 years ago and I now know it isn’t my fault.
      Your mom knows now that it wasn’t her fault so don’t carry that with you. She does know.
      And yes, I will look through your blog!
      God bless you!

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