I’M NOT MISSING ANYTHING AND THANK YOU DAD FOR NEVER GIVING UP

I have to face some facts that I have subconsciously ignoring.

Travel will not fix any of my problems. Things will never be like they were 10 or 15 years ago. And as much as I hate to admit it, my medications are not working and have not been working since I went into Kidney Failure. I have been cycling more than Lance Armstrong ever did. The constant pity party I have for myself has to stop. I did it because no one else around me showed an empathy or compassion.

I can’t blame them. They had developed a callous as far as I was concerned. Dealing with someone who always has a problem for well over 20 years makes you so used to it that you stop hearing it or stop paying attention. I get that.

I don’t understand how no Doctor can give me an answer about my medications. When I ask if having 1 kidney instead of 2 can cause my medications to break down differently, no one knows. I get another answer of “Your 1 kidney works at 70% which is like having 2 working kidneys so it shouldn’t interfere with anything”. How does that make sense. You have 2 kidneys that work at 100% per kidney. You lose complete function in one and 30% in the other. If my math is like the doctor’s 70% in one is as good as 200% total. To me that is idiotic. It makes no sense.

I don’t want to try new medications. I know what they are. I have tried 2 of the newer ones and they didn’t agree with me. Most of the newer medications are a variation of the 2 I tried already but my Psychiatrist will insist I try them anyway. Why? Because his hands are tied and he receives a million sample packs from Pharmaceutical Reps that visit him constantly.

Truth be told I don’t know how my dad handles everything. Never knowing what I’m thinking or if I’m going to do something irrational or hurt myself. He’s the only one that is always here for me. I love him. I love him more than anything. I apologize every single day to him. It will never be enough.

But I am lucky. So many people have no one. Not one person. I at least have that and need to be thankful.