I’ve been losing weight again, I don’t feel like eating or drinking, and I don’t care. I can’t remember when I had my stents changed for my kidney but I think I’m a few months past due. I don’t feel like making an appointment, getting the blood work done, going back for the surgery, I don’t really care.
I haven’t colored my hair in months, I don’t put make up on anymore even if I actually leave the house. I do not look at anyone, I keep my head down. I’m getting worse, it used to bother me but now I don’t care.
I’ve been trying so hard to force the people around me to understand how I feel or what are real illnesses that I sometimes can’t control. I keep doing things for people hoping they will love me and instead it backfires. I never should’ve bought a Smart TV thinking my Dad would learn how to use it. I couldn’t keep paying a $220 cable bill for TV he couldn’t hear and kept complaining about. He refuses to learn and yells at me daily about the TV.
My sister shut her phone off so I can’t talk to her.
I’ve been stuttering more and more. I also keep falling down. I see red spots, then black, then the floor. I think it’s because I have chronic low blood pressure but it’s not fun when you’re at the store and go to get something from the bottom shelf. I also noticed when I’m writing sometimes I write a word 3 times. The same word 3 times in row and I don’t realize it until I proof read.
My Dad scares me a lot. I wish he didn’t. I can’t take the stomping, slamming, muttering, throwing things, then a booming GODDAMN! I feel like I’m going to throw up constantly and there’s a lump in my throat. I can’t finish a necklace because he starts a tantrum and I have to stop what I’m doing.
I don’t know what to do. I’m just feeling a little lost lately.
Insights Of A Bipolar Rambler 
January 16th, 2018 at 6:35 AM
My thoughts are with you. ❤ The idea of being behind on your stents worries me and I know how hard it is to stop doing things for your family with the hope of things getting better between you.
You do you and take care of you. People do, think, and feel whatever it is they are going to despite whatever it is others around them are doing, thinking, or feeling.
Whatever is going on with your dad and sister is on their end. That's not your baggage to carry and you'll never be able to change that. It sucks, I know, and it's hard. I'm not saying to cut them from your life, but I am saying that instead of focusing on changing them, focus on how doing the things you do makes you feel.
If the act itself makes you feel good, then go ahead and keep doing it. Otherwise if it harms you in some way, or makes you feel cruddy to do it then it isn't worth your time.
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 17th, 2018 at 5:35 PM
Thank you so much
LikeLike
January 16th, 2018 at 4:42 AM
hugs for you. i’m sorry he is yelling and stomping around and making life miserable. your ok. make that apt for your kidneys though ok? xox
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 15th, 2018 at 7:28 PM
You have my support. I know you’re walking a tight rope, but you’re not alone. I can’t tell you everything will be okay, calm down, relax, or breathe. We know that’s adding fuel to the fire. What I can say is… you are beautiful and strong. Hang on..please💜
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 15th, 2018 at 12:36 PM
We are all here for you. Make sure you eat so it will regulate your blood pressure. It sounds like you may have depression- please seek help for you. From a fellow bipolar bear!
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 15th, 2018 at 6:10 PM
Thank you. I do have depression and I just went to my psychiatrist unfortunately he wasn’t very helpful. He suggested another medication that I’ve already been on then mentioned a Ketamine trial his Hospital was doing but said it was too late for me to participate. I don’t think I want to go down that road anyway. I’ve tried every med combo, therapy and even ECT I can only take it day by day and see how I am.
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 16th, 2018 at 4:04 AM
Thinking of you…definitely take it day by day x
LikeLike