All I Ever Wanted

“You drain everything out of me!” she said. “You have unreal expectations of what sisters are suppose to be!” she said.

“I can’t handle you anymore!” she said  “I’m trying to have a life of my own!” she said  “It’s always about you, you never ask about my problems!” she said.

I said “I know, I’m sorry, please stop, I love you, I don’t mean to do it, I try so hard to be good but I can’t help it, if you would talk to me more it wouldn’t be like that”.

“It isn’t normal for sisters to talk everyday or even every other day!”. she said

“Mom and Auntie Lee talked everyday” I said. I didn’t say that they went places together and laughed all the time too.

“You’re going to hate me for this but I don’t care. You NEED THERAPY or I’m not doing this anymore” she said

“Fine” I whispered and hung up the phone feeling light headed and confused. I wanted to hit something or hurt someone, mostly myself.

I’m that unloveable my twin can’t talk to me. I put such a strain on her that she avoids me on purpose. All I have ever wanted is her UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. I’ll never get it. I have no friends left, my mom is gone, what I used to numb the pain is gone, there is nothing left but to take it and I don’t know how many more years I can. Hasn’t over 20 been enough? The ache in my chest never goes away now. It gets harder and harder to control the tears in public. I have not eaten in 2 days I don’t feel like it there’s a lump in my throat. The lump of doom. I’m tired. Cold. Done.