Tag Archives: WTF?

Donating Impossible

 

 

I do not have much money. What I do have is a butt load of handmade jewelry. I like my jewelry, other people say they like my jewelry, strangers like my jewelry. I can’t be that delusional can I ? That was rhetorical. Please do not answer.

I made this aged bronze snake necklace. It had 1 Peridot Stone in the eye. I love how the computer is trying to tell me I’m spelling Peridot wrong when I worked for and with Swarovski Crystals for over 25 years. Also my father is telling me Peridot is made up by the Company. Of course I have to show him he’s wrong and get sidetracked for 2 hours. I’m right it’s actually a gem stone. I’m also possibly manic.

So my sister was going to donate my jewelry to my nephew’s school for some sale they were having. A big jewelry company related to one of the faculty members donated instead. My sister didn’t want my feelings hurt if no one bought my stuff and everyone bought the other company’s instead. She never told me any of this and just pretended she never asked me. I had already packaged my stuff so it looked pretty and went all out. I never said anything to her either.

My friend said “Not everyone likes that kind of jewelry. It all looks the same. Every single thing they do is the same. Your jewelry is all different one of a kind pieces that are hand made. You do your own beading, linking, looping, packaging, and design. You need to have more confidence in your work”. She’s right but I’ll always have in the back of my mind a little voice saying “that’s stupid, why would you show people that?”. It is in my DNA.

My hairdresser managed to sell about $200 worth of my jewelry. It was only some necklaces. She priced them at $40 to $50 a piece. That’s what she thought they were worth. The highest I ever priced them was $8. lol

That’s how bad I am at judging myself in that way. I want to do something. I’m only capable of doing a few things. I can’t work with the public for any length of time. I can’t stand up for long periods of time, and the unknown kidney failure thing doesn’t help. I like to feel useful. I can do some hair stuff, I really don’t know what I’m adequate at that would make money. Enough money to donate to some charities I believe in. I tried to ask another person that made jewelry and had 10% of their profit go to mental health charities but I never received an answer. Is 10% low if you are fairly successful? I don’t know. Then stupid Disability is a Catch 22. I get enough to live with my dad but not enough to really do anything.

Getting back to donating, I feel angry that I’m not able to donate in the way I want to. I still help people if they want it and when I can. I’ve given a lot of jewelry away. I’ve also given free hair cuts and products to people. If I know they are going for a job interview or somewhere special but don’t have too much money I’ll offer to do their hair, make up, and give them pick of my jewelry collection. People that I have done this for have been very appreciative. I love watching their faces when they see themselves. Even little things make a difference in how you see yourself and the people around you.

My friend doesn’t have much. She lives in her mother’s house with her husband and 2 children. There is also her grandchild, the mother’s boyfriend (dying of lung cancer), her brother, her son’s girlfriend (horrible girl), a dog and a cat. I think that’s it. My friend has had 2 open heart surgeries and is on the list for a heart transplant. She’s had 1 knee replacement and needs the other one done. She is also what the Doctors would consider “morbidly obese”. She wasn’t always but after the first surgery she had to be less active and started to gain weight. She was also on steroids. She was born missing a valve in her heart. Her first son suffered brain damage from the forceps used during childbirth. He also is Bipolar. She has her hands full. She is the only one to say that no matter what happens she will never let me live on the streets. I will always have a home with her and her family.

My twin sister doesn’t say that anymore. She did years ago. My best friend of over 25 years, who at one time had a room set up for me, doesn’t say it anymore. No one wants the drama of someone with a mental illness living with them. Where at one time I was “fun” now I’m not. I don’t drink and act “crazy” without thinking of the consequences. What’s the point of having me around then? And my sister doesn’t want my nephews exposed to my behavior 24/7 just in case. This is hard to know.

Another reason I wanted to donate. To help people like me. For when I truly need the help I hope it’s there.

 

 

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My Consequences of Today

 

 

I am afraid that I have permanently damaged my relationship with my twin sister today. I feel crushed, humiliated, miserable and such pain in my heart.

I’ve been ill with kidney problems and on top of that I got a head cold turning itself into Bronchitis. I’m miserable to say the least. No medications are working. There isn’t much I can take for cold medications. My ears hurt, my face hurts because my sinuses are so swollen and I have a cyst on each side. When the tissue swells it puts pressure on the cysts causing the mother of all sinus headaches. The puppy is keeping me awake all night and the Pomeranian started having seizures last night. If it was up to me I would find another home for the puppy and the Pomeranian would be put to sleep peacefully. She is an older dog and has had these seizures for years. Every time she has one it effects her brain. It’s getting harder to watch. Because of my illnesses the puppy isn’t getting the attention and training he needs. I’m usually with him but too sick to do much.

I was so overwhelmed this morning with the puppy, being sick, the state of the house, my dad, that I called my sister crying. She offered to pick me up and bring me to her house where I could get some rest.

I got to sleep peacefully for a while. When I woke up it was because I had a bad dream. I went downstairs and her husband was on the couch. My sister and I started talking.

She said she was ready to call Social Services on my Dad and I because the house is a health hazard. My brother in law said it needed to be bulldozed. My sister said it was ruined by the dogs and birds and not worth anything anymore. She said it was probably the reason I was so sick.

My brother in law said that I needed to “hear some truths and own up to my part in things”. I needed to “take responsibility for what I failed to do”. He quoted some more stuff I’m pretty sure he learned in AA. When he kept saying I needed to “own it” something snapped. I saw red. I finally said “Just like you’ve owned up to everything in your ONE YEAR of sobriety! I’ve had 7, who the hell are you to tell me to own up to anything?” Then he told me to “Get the FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW! I MEAN IT! I DON’T CARE HOW SICK YOU ARE GET THE FUCK OUT!” So I said ” You’re nothing but a dry drunk. Don’t threaten me EVER! YOU THINK YOU’RE A BIG MAN? YOU’RE NOTHING!” At this point my sister is between us holding him back. I went and got my stuff from upstairs. When I came downstairs he kind of apologized by saying “I’m sorry I should know better and try to have more sympathy for people LIKE YOU” I said “Thanks. Don’t do me any favors.” I left and started walking home in the rain.

In the last few days I’ve lost 10 pounds. I am now 5’6″ and 120 pounds. Not good. My sister lives 25 minutes away by car. I’m not sure how I thought I was walking home. So I had to call my dad. I told my sister I’m too toxic for her and her family. I don’t want to come between her and her husband. I feel so alone. They will never understand battling Bipolar. How much harder it is when your medications are not working the way they should. When a man comes at you and sets off flashbacks and the panic attack is so bad you think you’re having a heart attack. How Bipolar is worse when you do not get enough sleep. No one wants to hear any of it. They want to talk about cleaning house when I can barely stand up, my hair is falling out at a rapid pace, my arms are skeletal, I can’t open a bottle of pills. But sure let me scrub the entire house, set mouse traps, line the cupboards, disinfect everything, find a place for the puppy that my dad won’t give up, try to get him to get rid of his birds and take care of myself. Easy. No  problem.

I’ll miss my nephews the most. I don’t want to hurt anyone else. Until I get better everyone is better off without me for now.


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