Tag Archives: Who We Hurt

WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS OF ADDICTION

No one wants to be an addict or an alcoholic. There’s always an underlying reason for the choice we make to keep using or drinking. I had several reasons. They are in no way excuses but explanations.

Lately there have been an overwhelming amount of people coming forward to tell their stories of sexual harassment, assault, rape, and physical abuse by people that are either famous or somewhat known. This is a good start.

There’s an element to one of these cases that isn’t discussed.

The fact that the two people involved were addicts in a relationship.

I’m not condoning anything or taking sides. I want that understood.

What I am saying is based on my own experience.

When I was drunk I was aggressive at times and I would start fights with men. Mostly because I knew they didn’t find me attractive. This wasn’t their fault it was my extremely low self esteem and possibly my undiagnosed Bipolar Disorder.

Your average woman doesn’t punch a guy in the face because he refuses her advances.

I also think I had sex with men that were too drunk to consent. This is hard to admit but I know I did this once. The person was someone I was close to and it ruined our friendship for awhile then worse things happened and we were close again.

I’ve been beaten badly while drunk. I’ve had sex during a blackout on several occasions so that would be I guess without my consent.

The person I have hated for years who did the most damage is an alcoholic/drug user who I drank with daily. I never wanted to forgive him.

The problem is I was just as bad as he was. The only difference is I stopped drinking over 9 years ago. I admitted the damage I had done to other people and myself. He still thinks he did nothing wrong. He thinks this way because he still drinks.

Drinking and drug abuse stunts you emotionally and your maturity. You don’t grow up when you’re using or drinking. You stay the same age you were when you started. If you started at 16 then you have a 16 year old boy’s mentality. I’m not making this up.

I never grew up. There were so many “adult” things I didn’t know how to do when I stopped drinking. I never had to do them.

When two addicts/alcoholics are in a relationship I can tell you from experience horrible things are going to be said and done. At the time you don’t think it’s that bad. It’s only years later when you’ve stopped using and have some clarity that you realize how wrong everything was.

I’m still working on forgiveness and I’m sure there are a few people who can’t forgive me. Not the people I drank with because they all still drink or they’re dead but my family.

I do understand the places alcohol took me. Physically and emotionally. These are places I never want to visit again. I have to accept my part in the things that went on then. I’ve made my amends to those I needed to but all of it still haunts me.

I know this because I have “drunk dreams” once in awhile to remind me. I hate those nights but they serve a purpose.

I hope I’m making sense and not offending people.6-addiction-emotions-3

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