Tag Archives: Trust

HOW DO YOU TRUST YOUR OWN MIND?

I have many regrets and I have hurt many people over the years. I won’t use alcohol or not knowing I was dealing with a mental illness from an early age as excuses. These are only insights to my behavior. Bipolar started at an early age for me so I didn’t know life without it. People that hear or read this always have doubts. I had doubts because I am skeptical by nature and question everything. If you know me than you know I also research everything.

There was too much evidence proving that it started early, scientific, physical evidence that I couldn’t ignore. The research team at Harvard University couldn’t ignore it either nor could the team at Brown. At the time I was so overwhelmed with this new information I panicked and shut down. Someone else had to speak for me and tell them I couldn’t do what they were asking. I couldn’t be their freak in a lab, locked in a room with no access to my family. They should’ve known how damaging this would be. Even the suggestion of it was terrifying.

There’s a problem with letting your family see you at your weakest. They never forget it. They also never forget all the times you broke their trust while drinking. How could they? Letting my twin sister see me when I thought I was 5 years old and our Mom was coming to pick me up was a huge mistake. Allowing her husband to trigger a Conversion Disorder/PTSD episode like I’ve never had before was another mistake. Her seeing me so out of control and confused about where I was and blacking out gave her ammunition. More to put in her memory bank to bring up later.

She hasn’t been answering my texts about driving from New England to California but has answered other texts.

Today I finally talked to her, as in I actually spoke to her on the phone, it didn’t make me feel better.

She said she honestly didn’t think it was a good idea for me to try to make that kind of trip. She said she didn’t think I could handle it. It’s too far away if something happens and I panic or lose control.

I have been doing pretty well with control lately. I either write out my issues on paper or here. I also use other tools to calm myself down until I can think about a situation rationally.

I know I probably wouldn’t make it all the way but I wanted to try. Now I have butterflies in my stomach and I feel like I can’t swallow. I also feel trapped, like time is passing me by and it’s all too fast. I lost so much time already. I don’t have that much time left. This is something both my dad and sister refuse to listen to me about and they won’t listen to my Doctors. They won’t look at the statistics or my medical records. They refuse to talk about my alcoholism and the amount I drank. How much damage it did permanently both physically and mentally.

I’m not sure if I am thinking clearly or not because I’ve never thought like other people do. I’ve always loved the dark beautiful side of things, understanding human nature, nature vs nurture, survival of the fittest, basic instinct. I would read books and want to be a vampire queen, a Goddess of Rock, The Morrigan, a warrior in a magical land, anything but myself. But I woke up the same every morning. I lived in a fantasy world for a very long time. It was safe there in my books, in my bedroom, hiding from the outside.

My best friend W called yesterday to catch up on things. She asked a question. “Would you get better if the person who hurt you the most apologized? Or if you talked to him and got closure?” I knew where she was going with this. I knew that she had seen and been around him in the last year or so. I told her the truth.

It isn’t about him anymore, it’s about me. I’m not the same person who thought they deserved to be treated like garbage. I have self worth now. I actually pity him because he’s incapable of changing. I will be honest and say that if I saw him do that grin he does I can’t promise that I’ll remain calm. It’s hard to know so I think I’m better off leaving it alone. Do I want him to see me now? Yes, I do. I want to stand in front of him and rub it in his face that I am now a beautiful woman who has more than he ever will. But people like him will never get it. He’s manipulative to the point of being a sociopath.

Her response was “Jesus, you just said everything I was thinking about him and you’re right he hasn’t changed. I was around him 2 times for E’s sake and I couldn’t take it I had to leave early both times. I hate him, I hate his face. I’m kind of glad you said what you did. He had a rule where no one could say “Jesus Christ or for Christ’s sake” in front of him and when I heard that I wanted to puke. That was what did it for me, all I could think about was you and I left.” W understands me better than anyone.

W’s advice about the road trip? DO IT! If you get homesick turn around and head home. you know yourself and how you are going to feel, you’re pretty good at judging when your mood is changing or when you’re going into crisis mode I’ve seen it. Don’t listen to anyone but yourself, don’t tell anyone until your ready and in your car on the highway.

So I’m still confused because I listen to too many people and not to myself. I’ve learned not to trust myself because other people don’t trust my decisions.

Still confused.

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Guilt And Fireworks

I have not celebrated a 4th of July in over 6 years. Once I quit drinking I didn’t see the point and I wasn’t receiving any invitations either. The other big problem was trust. My family no longer trusted me or believed me. Specifically my father. If I am not home before dark my father starts to worry until he’s close to vomiting and has chest pains. It has been 6 years since I have had any alcohol at all. I don’t have the want, need, or desire. The other thing is I would probably die. My kidneys are shot, alcohol is not the best idea. I also find myself uncomfortable around people who have had too much to drink. It brings back bad feelings and memories.

I was giving my sister a make over on the 4th and after I went to Walmart. I have a problem with time lately, my watch broke and I never know what time it is. Plus I’m just easily distracted. When I left the store it was dark and when I got into my car and saw that it was 9:30 p.m. I felt sick. I called my dad right away. He wasn’t happy. Even though I did nothing wrong I felt tremendous guilt. When I hung up with him I started to feel angry. I’m 42 years old. I almost died and they still don’t know what’s wrong with me. My best friend has people at her beach house every year and I have not been in over 6 years. She misses me and loves but doesn’t ask because she know how my dad is. I decided “screw it” I don’t know how many more 4th of July celebrations I have left. I decided to drop by on my way home.

When I showed up it was just her at first. She couldn’t believe what she was seeing and started crying. This is a person that DOES NOT CRY. The few times I have seen her cry it had to do with me. She was so happy to see me. I started crying which for me is nothing new. She told me not to say anything when everyone else came back up from the beach. I knew they wouldn’t recognize me and we were right. It was fun. I didn’t stay long only about 30 minutes and when people asked why I was leaving I actually said “I don’t want to get in trouble” that’s when I realized that things had to change. I didn’t drink, I didn’t hurt myself or anyone else, I laughed and had fun for the short time I was there. There was one awkward situation.

A guy that I had crush on years ago was there with his fiancé. I know her too and she’s very nice. When I first met him he was nice to me but thought of me as one of the guys or sometimes invisible. There was a Halloween where he was with his fiance, my best friend, her boyfriend and me. He wanted to take a picture and said ” Ok let’s get the 2 hot girls together for a pic”. My feelings were hurt, I felt like dirt, a blob, unattractive. So to prove a point I got wasted and tried to show how sexy and hot I was. You can imagine how that went at 250 pounds, bleach blond hair, swaying, and slurring my words. That was me, it’s what I did.

When he saw me on the 4th he didn’t know who I was until his fiance told him. He was in shock and kept saying “No way”. Then he said “My god you’re hot!”. With the fiance standing there. She walked away to talk to someone and he kept talking to himself about how I looked. It was weird. Then he wouldn’t stop staring. Finally my friend’s boyfriend made him take a ride with him because he noticed and didn’t want a scene. I was kind of flattered and kind of creeped out. I’m the same person I just lost weight and changed my hair color. Why can’t people like you for who you are?


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