Tag Archives: Talk About It

HOW DO YOU TRUST YOUR OWN MIND?

I have many regrets and I have hurt many people over the years. I won’t use alcohol or not knowing I was dealing with a mental illness from an early age as excuses. These are only insights to my behavior. Bipolar started at an early age for me so I didn’t know life without it. People that hear or read this always have doubts. I had doubts because I am skeptical by nature and question everything. If you know me than you know I also research everything.

There was too much evidence proving that it started early, scientific, physical evidence that I couldn’t ignore. The research team at Harvard University couldn’t ignore it either nor could the team at Brown. At the time I was so overwhelmed with this new information I panicked and shut down. Someone else had to speak for me and tell them I couldn’t do what they were asking. I couldn’t be their freak in a lab, locked in a room with no access to my family. They should’ve known how damaging this would be. Even the suggestion of it was terrifying.

There’s a problem with letting your family see you at your weakest. They never forget it. They also never forget all the times you broke their trust while drinking. How could they? Letting my twin sister see me when I thought I was 5 years old and our Mom was coming to pick me up was a huge mistake. Allowing her husband to trigger a Conversion Disorder/PTSD episode like I’ve never had before was another mistake. Her seeing me so out of control and confused about where I was and blacking out gave her ammunition. More to put in her memory bank to bring up later.

She hasn’t been answering my texts about driving from New England to California but has answered other texts.

Today I finally talked to her, as in I actually spoke to her on the phone, it didn’t make me feel better.

She said she honestly didn’t think it was a good idea for me to try to make that kind of trip. She said she didn’t think I could handle it. It’s too far away if something happens and I panic or lose control.

I have been doing pretty well with control lately. I either write out my issues on paper or here. I also use other tools to calm myself down until I can think about a situation rationally.

I know I probably wouldn’t make it all the way but I wanted to try. Now I have butterflies in my stomach and I feel like I can’t swallow. I also feel trapped, like time is passing me by and it’s all too fast. I lost so much time already. I don’t have that much time left. This is something both my dad and sister refuse to listen to me about and they won’t listen to my Doctors. They won’t look at the statistics or my medical records. They refuse to talk about my alcoholism and the amount I drank. How much damage it did permanently both physically and mentally.

I’m not sure if I am thinking clearly or not because I’ve never thought like other people do. I’ve always loved the dark beautiful side of things, understanding human nature, nature vs nurture, survival of the fittest, basic instinct. I would read books and want to be a vampire queen, a Goddess of Rock, The Morrigan, a warrior in a magical land, anything but myself. But I woke up the same every morning. I lived in a fantasy world for a very long time. It was safe there in my books, in my bedroom, hiding from the outside.

My best friend W called yesterday to catch up on things. She asked a question. “Would you get better if the person who hurt you the most apologized? Or if you talked to him and got closure?” I knew where she was going with this. I knew that she had seen and been around him in the last year or so. I told her the truth.

It isn’t about him anymore, it’s about me. I’m not the same person who thought they deserved to be treated like garbage. I have self worth now. I actually pity him because he’s incapable of changing. I will be honest and say that if I saw him do that grin he does I can’t promise that I’ll remain calm. It’s hard to know so I think I’m better off leaving it alone. Do I want him to see me now? Yes, I do. I want to stand in front of him and rub it in his face that I am now a beautiful woman who has more than he ever will. But people like him will never get it. He’s manipulative to the point of being a sociopath.

Her response was “Jesus, you just said everything I was thinking about him and you’re right he hasn’t changed. I was around him 2 times for E’s sake and I couldn’t take it I had to leave early both times. I hate him, I hate his face. I’m kind of glad you said what you did. He had a rule where no one could say “Jesus Christ or for Christ’s sake” in front of him and when I heard that I wanted to puke. That was what did it for me, all I could think about was you and I left.” W understands me better than anyone.

W’s advice about the road trip? DO IT! If you get homesick turn around and head home. you know yourself and how you are going to feel, you’re pretty good at judging when your mood is changing or when you’re going into crisis mode I’ve seen it. Don’t listen to anyone but yourself, don’t tell anyone until your ready and in your car on the highway.

So I’m still confused because I listen to too many people and not to myself. I’ve learned not to trust myself because other people don’t trust my decisions.

Still confused.

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Follow Up To Fall To Pieces (Something Worse)

It’s Christmas Eve and I just realized it. My beautiful dog Daisy has been having clusters of seizures all day and I’m not in the greatest of the moods. She’s an older dog. She belonged to my mom. My dad will be devastated when she dies. I’m always devastated when one of our animals passes away. There’s something about Grief and Bipolar that just makes everything feel a thousand times worse.

I was on YouTube looking for something funny to watch when I spotted a video that said something along the lines of “Lead singer in tears at the end of ______ song”. I knew the band and the song and didn’t think he would cry over it. I clicked on the video to play.

It starts with the guitar player in front frustrated because he can’t get a specific part of the song to sound the way he wants. The problem is the microphone is set to pick up the lead singer talking behind him. He is saying how he doesn’t know how he can go home. He didn’t know how he had let the night before happen. He said he couldn’t believe that he had drank. There were other people talking about a waitress that kept bringing him drinks but at this point he’s shut everyone out. He’s in his own head.

The lead singer has said that he has anxiety issues and depression, he also spent almost a year in rehab but I don’t know if it was before or after this video was taken. The video was taken by a producer/director/management.

When the guitarist finally gets the sound he wants, he does a complete run through. They are supposed to have the camera on him. They don’t. Instead they zoom in on the lead singer’s face while he pinches his eyes and nose trying not to cry.

In the comments section on YouTube every single person talked about him being sentimental about the song or who the song was about. It had nothing to do with the song. It had to do with the fact that he drank when he was trying not to. He felt he let everyone around him down, he remembered all the people he loved and hurt while drinking. He felt guilt and shame. How do I know this? I’ve had the same look on my face and felt the same feelings. And I know him and his situation.

For any producer/director/manager to exploit his pain or what he’s going through on Social Media, to me is despicable. I would fire their asses then sue. I felt sick watching it and I can only imagine how he or his family would feel if they saw it.

I’m sorry you had to go through that. No one should have their private matters on view for millions of people unless they give permission. I hope you’re healthy and well and know there is no guilt or shame as long as you keep trying.10648424_10205239024322028_7639272352034076795_o


Choked up, Fed up

 

I get negative feedback for my honesty and criticism of others when it comes to Addiction and Mental Health. I won’t apologize for my opinions. I have tried to be as honest as I know how to be with my OWN struggles. Maybe it isn’t fair to ask the same of other people. I just don’t think if you are in the public eye that you should out and out lie to everyone. You want to lie to yourself that’s fine but when you have people that look up to you and listen to you, that’s another matter. I know people want privacy. But when you make your problems public that changes.

I have lost so much in my life because I drank for 20 years. I have lost so much in my life by admitting I am Bipolar. I have even lost many things when I started my journey to sobriety. I have lost and lost and lost. I thought there would be more positives when I quit drinking and was diagnosed. There really have not been. It is a struggle I wouldn’t wish on anyone. The one thing that made me feel human I can never do again. There is no medication so far that has made me feel the way alcohol did. But the consequences are too great. I never do anything half way. I can’t have 1 bowl of cereal, I have to have 3. I can’t have 1 piece of cake, I have to have the entire cake. It’s how I’ve always been. I know this.

I don’t enjoy being alone but at the same time I feel I have to be. I’ve hurt too many people I love. I’ve lost too many people I love. That sticks in my head like a song on repeat. And no amount of therapy has been able to fix this. So I get up everyday and try to exist without hurting myself or anyone else. When I say it’s a struggle that’s an understatement. It’s hell. But I do it. And I write this blog in the hope that if someone else feels the way I do that they know they are not the only one.


I’m Pissed and Don’t Care!

 

 

When a celebrity dies from an overdose we see it looped on the news over and over until it loses it’s meaning. This pisses me off. These are human beings that often times have suffered a trauma or mental illness and used drugs or alcohol to self medicate. Their lives may look fun but in reality are actually lonely ones.

Scott Weiland suffered sexual abuse at the age of 12 from a high school senior bigger than him. In 2007 his brother overdosed. He had his problems. Heroin is one of hardest drugs to get off of. His weight changing as much as it did probably put a strain on his heart. He had many problems. I’m sure the people surrounding him had given up. That’s one of the problems.

With addiction you need at least ONE PERSON willing to stick by you no matter what. If you don’t, you fail. When you feel like no one is going to be there anyway you figure why bother? Who cares? Even if it’s in your head. You need to feel at least one person cares enough to be there no matter what you do. I hope he had that. I hope he didn’t die feeling alone in the world, feeling worthless. He wasn’t. None of us are.


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