Did you know there are children starving in Africa? Did you know women get Breast Cancer? I’M A WOMAN! How come no one told me this? I have breasts. They might be small but I think they can still get Cancer. I think we also want Peace in The Middle East or something. There are also a lot of people with no arms and legs I hear. There must be because someone said “there are people who have it a lot worse than you, people with missing arms and legs, women with Breast Cancer, starving children in Africa, so why do you get away with all your bullshit?”.
I didn’t know I was getting away with anything. If you call Hospitalizations, wanting to die, almost dying, being alone 80% of the time, finding out all this time your meds probably haven’t been working, neither are your kidneys, owing large amounts of money to Doctors you don’t have, crying constantly while being dehydrated with a migraine, and having your dad kick you out of the house everyday, getting away with something than ok I’m guilty assholes.
THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK. It seems society has forgotten how to do this. They have also forgotten how to listen and be discreet. If I happen to be at your house for a Birthday Party and you offer me an Alcoholic Beverage and I decline, leave it at that. DO NOT SAY “OH, THAT’S RIGHT YOU’RE AN ALCOHOLIC OR IS IT BECAUSE OF YOUR MEDS?”. This makes me want to punch you in the face in front of your children. Mostly because they will probably grow up to be just like you. Did I mention she was smiling the entire time she said what she did? Almost like she knew the answers but wanted to see what I would say. Of course my sister said I was being “paranoid” and that it was just a stupid mistake. Uhhh……….NOPE!
She was like that in high school and she’s like that now. Why do I have to be the only one who notices? It’s a burden because no one believes me except my best friend. She believes in my ability to sometimes be more “aware” of things and people. I can read a situation sometimes and just know something funky is going on. My best friend has seen it many times. Reading people’s faces is sometimes something I’m good at. Just not when it comes to men I like. I’m lying, I knew what they were I just didn’t care.
What I hate is that Society would think I am so unaware and stupid I don’t know people have it worse than me. Of course I do. That isn’t the point. The point is how my brain works. People with Cancer sometimes receive treatment and get better, people without arms and legs sometimes receive prosthetics that enable them to run or live normal lives, starving children and war I can’t comment on. I have an Illness that will be with me for the rest of my life. I’ve been told that I will get progressively worse as I get older because I went undiagnosed for so long and some coexisting diagnoses make it harder to treat. Medications have not been working on me so it’s a constant struggle with myself to STAY ALIVE AND SOBER.
My brain tells me when I wake up, you’re nothing, no one wants you, you have nothing and never will, you’ll never have children, no man has ever loved you only used you because YOU ARE WORTHLESS. This is all before my feet hit the floor. Then the flashes will start like a loop. My hair saturated in blood, my mother’s lifeless eyes with foam coming out of her mouth while nurses laugh, blood on my wrists and a voice saying “you can’t even do that right you fat bitch”, drowning in my own blood and not caring, my mom holding my face telling me she loves me, hundreds of pictures taped to the walls that cut me to the bone, standing alone at the car wash crying and scared. It never ends. I try to occupy my mind with other things to push them out.
And then just when I think I’m ok a loud noise, a slamming of the door and I start stuttering and I’m ashamed. I have to get home. Sometimes home is the problem and there is no place to go. This is when I just suffer quietly as I can. So, who has it worse?