Tag Archives: Social Anxiety

WIDE AWAKE ROTTING

I don’t know why I blacked out. If it was the stress of dealing with my dad, the heat, me not feeling well, all I know is that I woke up on the floor.

When I woke up on the floor of my bedroom it was like I was somewhere else. I didn’t recognize this disgusting place filled with bags and bags of empty water bottles, paper towels, cigarette butts and ashes that had taken over the room. But it was my room. I had let it GET THAT BAD. I kept ignoring it or I didn’t want to see it. The shame of finally seeing what I let happen was too much. I had to leave it a little longer and remember what had triggered me in the first place.

I know I’ve been allowing people, places, and things said, get to me when I shouldn’t. I exist with every nerve ending exposed, my heart on my sleeve, and no protection. I always have, I also replay conversations and events in my mind that I feel were hurtful or that I deserved. (the key words are “I” and “I” am not a good judge because I am so sensitive) It’s probably one of the worst parts about it all, the constant film running in the background of my mind. It’s been the hardest thing for me to control or find coping skills that actually work.

Music, coloring, and research, work depending on the day. With an autoimmune disease, kidney disease, and medical disorders having to do with my blood that can’t be explained, my medications work at different levels in different ways.

One of my doctors believes part of my Conversion Disorder comes from watching my Mom die. Not just the horrible way she died in the hospital but the way she slowly killed herself at home.

She knew everything she had to avoid to stay alive, she knew everything she had to do to stay alive. I knew when she gave up. When she started staying in her room all the time, stockpiling food she wasn’t allowed to eat and not talking to anyone.

At the time I was working 60 hours a week and trying to maintain my alcoholism.

My mom was never thin but started to gain weight rapidly. This made it harder for her to breathe and put stress on her heart. Her bones were brittle and weak from chemo and radiation she had 7 years before. We were so lucky she even survived, most people don’t. I don’t know what it was that made her give up after fighting so hard previously.

When she fractured her back it was the beginning of the end. She would lose control of her bladder and bowels. She cried, moaned and screamed in pain all night long. Nothing we or the doctors did gave her any relief. They decided to do surgery even though she wasn’t healthy enough for it.

She made it through the surgery but the weight gain and immobility made it so hard for her to breathe she felt like she was suffocating. It was her biggest fear.

I now see some of the same behavior in my Dad and it scares me. It’s the opposite with him, he’s lost a lot of weight and does too much. He has old fractures in his back that he chose to ignore over the years. This time his sciatic nerve is being compressed so he can’t ignore it. He’s fallen down numerous times and doesn’t tell me unless I see blood and bruises. Yesterday he was stuck on the pavement of our driveway for over an hour bleeding from a large wound on his arm. He fell out of his truck coming back from dialysis.

He refuses to go to the hospital.

I called my twin sister to let her know what was going on and I might be taking him to the ER. She never called or texted back. Once again I’m left to deal with watching a parent die. Only this time I don’t think I’ll handle it at all.

My Dad and I are close. I told my Mom everything but my Dad and I have a lot in common. When I quit drinking for the last time he watched movies I know he had no interest in, same with TV shows, just to keep me company. He’s never given up on me. It’s only been these last 2 years that we’ve really argued and that’s due to both of our illnesses.

I want to live my own life.

I’m just not sure if I deserve to.

I destroy everything around me or they leave.

Advertisements

SHOW ME HOW TO LIVE

I admit I’m afraid. I also admit it’s my own fault. I kept putting it off. I even might of done it on purpose.

The Doctor that changes my ureteral stents wanted to see if I could go a year this time but if I had any problems I should come in sooner. I started having problems around the 6th month. I didn’t call or make an appointment. I ignored the pain, the dizziness, loss of appetite, some swelling in my hands and feet, headaches, change in vision, etc. My Bipolar medications were not working correctly either. I’ve been more than depressed for some time now.

I went online to see exactly when I last had my stents changed. I could also see lab results and notes from surgery while I was there. I wasn’t happy.

When I first went to this Doctor he had to exchange the stents put in by a Doctor that didn’t like me very much. Normally I would think I was being dramatic but I brought my sister with me to 2 of my appointments.

My twin is odd in her own way. She can ignore me and say horrible things but if anyone else does it they better run. She’s gotten physical with a few people on my behalf. Nothing major, she grabbed someone by their lab coat and pushed another person out of the way who wouldn’t let us leave the Hospital.

So when she witnessed how this previous Doctor treated me in his office she wasn’t happy. I wasn’t either. He insulted me in front of the entire team about to operate on me and then told them I was “a difficult patient” and they should be happy I didn’t “bring my guard dog” referring to my sister.

When the Doctor I have now went to change the stents he found the guidewires had advanced up both ureters to both kidneys. On the left side the had crossed over one another. This caused scarring in the ureters.

I also didn’t know my GFR has been declining or that it’s as low as it is. I was told it was 67.

The last three results have been 48, 45, and 40. When it get’s to 30 you’re supposed to start discussing dialysis or transplant.

As far as a kidney transplant goes I highly doubt I would get one. My Dad is on dialysis already and my twin sister has already said no.

If you have a mental illness, have to take specific medications, have a history of alcoholism or drug addiction, have an autoimmune disease, you most likely won’t be considered. I can check all of these boxes.

I have things on a Bucket List left to do. I want to have serious conversation with Dave Navarro. We have a lot in common. There are places I want to see. I would like to see Steven Tyler in concert one more time. I want to spend a day with a pack of wolves. There are so many places I wish I could travel to. Places filled with art, music, food, lights, people, where I can walk around and just take it all in.

 


PUTTING YOURSELF OUT THERE AND REJECTION

I talked to a woman I worked for the other day. I felt good that day, I don’t know why. I actually took a shower, did my hair and make up. Which is good because she’s one of the best Hair Artists I’ve ever seen or known. Yes, I said Artist.

I’ve seen her transform a person to the point they sit there and cry. She gets the clients no one else can handle. The people with curly frizzy hair that everyone wants to throw gel on and send them home with a wet head.

When I first met her I wasn’t expecting much. At the time I had bleached blond hair that was very curly and frizzy but also had some weird straight areas. I’m one of the people that cried. She was the first person to ever blow dry my hair straight.

I think I asked if she could live with me. She inspired me to go to Hair School (where you learn nothing you need to) she’s the one that taught me everything I needed to know.

The problem was the Hair industry is competitive, and you have to be outgoing. You can’t have severe Social Anxiety and succeed in that type of atmosphere. It became too much for me. Her clientele had money and thought it was ok to treat me like hired help. Some of the women wouldn’t let me near them because of my weight. I have pretty good hearing and could hear them whispering about me. One made a joke about how small the salon was she was surprised I could move around. I wasn’t that large. I couldn’t say anything because the customer is always right. I was good enough to bring them coffee and tea though.

I loved the woman I worked for even though she was tough. I loved watching her work and her heart was in the right place. I wasn’t in the right place mentally when I left. I’ve talked to her about it since.

When I saw her the other day she told me to come by the Salon that her sister would want to see me. She also said she wanted clean up my hair a bit and started following me on Instagram.

Of course having Social Anxiety I’m having a problem calling the Salon or going there. I sent her a message on Instagram about a beautiful color she did but she didn’t respond. I also sent her a message about a necklace I made because it has the some colors that would match her new Salon she’s opening. (I didn’t word it like that) She didn’t respond to that either.

This is why I don’t like putting myself out there. I over think everything and start to think she was just being polite and she really doesn’t want me around, just like everyone else.9613332b73db683abf187a2df501d22276270eae18b5d1551612a2892ca36b60.jpg


FLIGHTS OF FANCY

Being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder is difficult enough. When you have Mixed Episodes it’s what I imagine Hell would be like if I were religious.

Mixed Episodes are when a person with Bipolar Disorder has depressive and manic symptoms at the same time or close together. It’s usually called a Manic/Depressive episode with mixed features.

It’s more common in women and people who developed Bipolar at a young age. It can cause unpredictable behavior when feeling hopeless and suicidal but energized and agitated.

I love to do research but sometimes it might be better to not know some things about yourself.

The new college courses in Psychiatry give how many years are subtracted from a person’s lifespan with specific Psychiatric conditions. 25 years has been deducted from mine. This would mean I have less than 6 years left. I’m not really surprised at this. I should be but I’m not.

I try not to think about it because the brain and Psychiatric Disorders are never 100% accurate and everyone’s brain is so unique nothing is for sure.

I am restless and I feel I’ve wasted my life and now I don’t have enough time, money, energy to do anything I want to do.

It’s also hard being alone all the time. My Dad is either at dialysis or doing something outside. He used to like talking to me until I started to get worse day by day and he started dialysis. My twin sister never wanted to be close and still doesn’t. My one best friend works 60 hours a week and lives with her boyfriend so she doesn’t have a lot of time. I’ve tried to make new friends in the past but I would talk myself into thinking they didn’t really like me. I didn’t deserve to have friends and they just felt bad for me.

So many Doctors, Therapists, Neurologists who all didn’t have answers for me except that I’ll get worse. Thanks! Can I have a steady morphine drip please? Because everything hurts 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, on the outside and the inside. From my brain to my heart to my bones. I’m afraid I’ll never get to experience love or go on a date. I am my own problem. How can any of that happen if I only leave the house once every 3 weeks?

I still feel this need to try to drive cross country. The need is stronger at night but I don’t know why. I’m not an adult. I’m 44 and haven’t really had to do any of the things that adults do. It’s one of the reasons I didn’t tell anyone where or when I was buying my car. I wanted to do it myself and if I made mistakes at least they would be mine. My Dad acted like a 2 year old when I did it but has since admitted I made the right decision. He still has a problem if I am not home by the time it’s dark outside. By “problem” I mean dry heaving and chest pains. I can’t live with knowing I cause him to react like that so I stay home. Not much of a way to live.

I’m usually in my room by 3:30/4:00 p.m. because I’m bored and I can watch what I want in my room. I go to bed fairly early because there isn’t much else to do.

Do I want something to change? Sometimes. I really did want to try to drive from Rhode Island to California.


%d bloggers like this: