Tag Archives: Sex

THE TRUTH ABOUT SEX

I apologize if you thought you were going to read some Erotica or learn something new about sex. You might learn something new but it will have more to do with a darker side of the subject. What happens when you have a Mental Illness that isn’t diagnosed and you self medicate with drugs or alcohol. You are probably wondering what any of this has to do with sex, actually a lot more than you think.

I started drinking at 16/17 and also started having sex. I was probably a late bloomer for that time period, it was around 1991. The first time I had sex I was drunk and sex was like that for me for the next 20 years.

I drank because something was missing inside of me. I had a hard time talking to people and never felt like I belonged anywhere, not even with my own family. I had a constant ache in my chest like a hole was there. I always had butterflies in my stomach and felt like I was going to throw up whenever I had to be around people. School was torture. I hid as best as I could but that was hard to do considering I was taller and heavier than the rest of the girls in my school. I always felt that I was the ugliest, less intelligent, and shouldn’t be there.

When I discovered alcohol all of those feelings went away. I did have times before I started drinking where at home I would talk too much, too fast. I would also stay up for days reading in my room or watching movies. This was hard to control at school. Somehow I did. I know that I smoked pot at school sometimes and I think I did other drugs too.

While manic there was nothing more exciting than getting ready to go out. I could also drink more while manic. I was always trying to prove points. I would pick up the best looking guy and sleep with him as if this proved I was worth something. Sometimes it was just part of the chase. The people I hung out with then compared me to a guy in the way I acted with men. I chose to act that way after being hurt too many times. If I leave first than you can’t hurt me. This didn’t always work.

Promiscuity is a well known symptom of Bipolar Disorder. Not many people talk about it. I do because it was a big part of some of the things I can’t forget or remember.

When you are an alcoholic and Bipolar (but don’t know it) it can be a recipe for some scary situations. I would wake up and not know if I had sex or not. I wouldn’t know if I had said yes or not or who the person was. This happened more times than I would like to admit.

When I stopped drinking I also stopped having sex. That’s correct. It has been quite a few years. When people see this they assume that I am a troll or hideous. Today I wanted to plaster Twitter with pictures of myself to show that I’m not. But that would be proving points again that I don’t need to do anymore.

The fact is part of me is scared. The other problem is I don’t socialize very much and I hate to admit it but I’m picky! I like a sense of humor, kind eyes with something behind them, usually dark hair, the person doesn’t have to be a male model but I have to be attracted to them in some way. We have to share some common interests. It’s a lot to ask for. I don’t like dating sites. I still have it in my head that I’m going to meet this person at a bar (not drinking) or a concert.

The reason for this is that your maturity level kind of stops when you start drinking. I still have the thoughts of a 16/17 year old girl. Which if you think about it makes sense.

So it’s okay to be celibate. It doesn’t mean no one wants you. It’s a choice for a period of time until you feel ready. 14191969_10210844810143170_6249931150507043504_n

Advertisements

Bipolar Hypersexuality Confusion

 

 

I still struggle with the phrasing used in describing Bipolar Disorder. I can’t wrap my brain around most of it. Sometimes I’m not sure if what I was doing was part of being Bipolar or part of being a Drunk with low self-esteem. Not many Doctors want to talk about the promiscuous part of Bipolar Disorder. Mine sucks his breath in through his teeth and knots his fingers together as he changes the subject.

I wasn’t diagnosed until about 6 years ago and drank for 20 years before that. I drank while on different antidepressants. I drank mostly every day for years. I slept with different men often. Sometimes it was because I was attracted to them, sometimes it was to prove I could, sometimes I don’t remember why or giving permission. Those times I shrugged off and thought it was my own fault for putting myself in that position. Alcohol appeared to bring out a lot of manic qualities in me. Alcohol acted more like cocaine to my brain until I hit a certain point. Then things got weird or ugly. It didn’t matter because I had to get up and do it again the next night. It wasn’t the alcohol, it was the feeling that I was going to miss something. I didn’t know what or who but SOMETHING. I would get a knot in my throat if I thought I wouldn’t be able to go to this one place I went to every night.

It was never a need to have sex with me. Sometimes it was a game. The people I drank with were always amazed at the guys I could get. We would go to a bar and they would pick out someone they thought was out of my league. They would challenge me to pick him up. I always hung out with older men who drank as much as I did. They thought it was funny. I thought I had to prove my worthiness. It’s pretty sad when you’re proving your worthiness to a group of men that have been in and out of prison and were either alcoholics or drug addicts but I thought I was on the same level as them. I was often compared to a man. I was always the first to leave without saying goodbye or caring. I learned early on not to care.

There were times where before I went out I wouldn’t shave my legs thinking this would stop me from sleeping with anyone. It didn’t.

Do I regret it all? Yes. I never learned how to make conversation that would lead to an actual date. So I’m 42 and have never been on a date. I have also never kissed anyone sober. I’ve never been intimate with anyone sober. I’ve been celibate for about 7 or 8 years. I just can’t be bothered and my medications leave me with no sex drive. Then my health started to fail so I continued to be alone. I promised myself that the next time I had sex it would be sober and with someone I cared about.

I don’t miss those days filled with shame and guilt. They were also filled with worry. Did I use protection? I could never remember. I’m lucky all my blood work has come back clean. I took a lot of chances.

This isn’t the life I expected. It is the one I have. I accept that. I deal with what comes my way the best I can. Is it always the right way? Probably not. But I don’t drink, I’m no longer promiscuous, and I can usually remember the night before. So it’s better.

 


%d bloggers like this: