Tag Archives: Mixed Episodes

HARD TRUTHS~ SUICIDE

I have not thought seriously about harming myself in years. Until a few weeks ago when I refilled my prescription for Generic Topamax. It was a completely different shape and size but the name of the company was the same. The pill went from a small round salmon colored one to a large oblong light pink horse pill. I didn’t have much of a choice because you can’t stop it cold turkey. I use it as a mood stabilizer and it helps with my stuttering and other neurological issues.

It’s obviously not the same as the one I was taking. I started to feel irritated, extremely depressed, and slowly a feeling of such grief and pain in my chest I couldn’t take it. A constant voice telling me I wasn’t good enough, I was a mistake and never should’ve been born, people were right to think I’m a loser and I serve no purpose on this Planet. My own twin isn’t capable of loving me so why am I here? I wanted to drink the pain away, hop a plane to a place with the most dive bars and drink until I died. I heard whispers from the past telling me words I never wanted to hear again. I curled up in a corner and cried until I blacked out 3 times.

All of this mostly due to a pharmaceutical company cutting corners or my one kidney has gotten a lot worse and isn’t processing the medication properly. It might be both.

Last night I only took half of one so 100mg instead of 200mg and today is a little better. I’m not hearing whispering or crying as much. The biggest problem is I can’t speak. I can’t form a sentence. My balance is off so I am falling into things which is bad when you live in a house filled with antiques and 2 small dogs. If I close my eyes while I’m standing I’ll hit the floor. I have to be careful how I move my neck and head, any sudden change in pressure and I either get a sharp pain like an axe in my head or I fall down. Some of this I don’t think is medication related which kind of scares me more.

Part of me doesn’t want to know. I was supposed to be having regular brain scans since 2008 but none of my Doctors followed up. It’s because there was swelling in one area and hyperintensity in another. The overall loss of gray and white matter was so unusual that it was suggested I be monitored due to that also. Then you have the lovely cysts in my sinus cavity that are actually on the border of where the sinus cavity meets the brain. And all of my excellent Doctors never bothered to follow up.

One more problem is my neck. When I wake up it feels like it’s broken. I have a high tolerance for alcohol and pain so when I say it’s that bad it’s bad. When I told my best friend she yelled at me and started crying. I forgot her mom has Degenerative Disc Disease like I do but hers was mostly in her neck. She had to wear a brace and was unable to move her neck for a year or she would be paralyzed. They had to replace bones with cadaver bone it was hard to watch. So W is afraid this is going to happen to me and was mad that I was brushing it off. I’m just so tired of Doctors I don’t want to go to anymore, I don’t want to find out anything new.

At least now, unlike years ago, I know I have an illness. There are slivers of sanity that break through and let me know that this isn’t me. I’m thankful for that. Ten or fifteen years ago I would’ve drank and I would’ve tried to hurt myself which is why no one should have to go 20 years before getting a correct diagnosis or a diagnosis at all.when-the-brain-dies-first-16-728

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HOW DO YOU TRUST YOUR OWN MIND?

I have many regrets and I have hurt many people over the years. I won’t use alcohol or not knowing I was dealing with a mental illness from an early age as excuses. These are only insights to my behavior. Bipolar started at an early age for me so I didn’t know life without it. People that hear or read this always have doubts. I had doubts because I am skeptical by nature and question everything. If you know me than you know I also research everything.

There was too much evidence proving that it started early, scientific, physical evidence that I couldn’t ignore. The research team at Harvard University couldn’t ignore it either nor could the team at Brown. At the time I was so overwhelmed with this new information I panicked and shut down. Someone else had to speak for me and tell them I couldn’t do what they were asking. I couldn’t be their freak in a lab, locked in a room with no access to my family. They should’ve known how damaging this would be. Even the suggestion of it was terrifying.

There’s a problem with letting your family see you at your weakest. They never forget it. They also never forget all the times you broke their trust while drinking. How could they? Letting my twin sister see me when I thought I was 5 years old and our Mom was coming to pick me up was a huge mistake. Allowing her husband to trigger a Conversion Disorder/PTSD episode like I’ve never had before was another mistake. Her seeing me so out of control and confused about where I was and blacking out gave her ammunition. More to put in her memory bank to bring up later.

She hasn’t been answering my texts about driving from New England to California but has answered other texts.

Today I finally talked to her, as in I actually spoke to her on the phone, it didn’t make me feel better.

She said she honestly didn’t think it was a good idea for me to try to make that kind of trip. She said she didn’t think I could handle it. It’s too far away if something happens and I panic or lose control.

I have been doing pretty well with control lately. I either write out my issues on paper or here. I also use other tools to calm myself down until I can think about a situation rationally.

I know I probably wouldn’t make it all the way but I wanted to try. Now I have butterflies in my stomach and I feel like I can’t swallow. I also feel trapped, like time is passing me by and it’s all too fast. I lost so much time already. I don’t have that much time left. This is something both my dad and sister refuse to listen to me about and they won’t listen to my Doctors. They won’t look at the statistics or my medical records. They refuse to talk about my alcoholism and the amount I drank. How much damage it did permanently both physically and mentally.

I’m not sure if I am thinking clearly or not because I’ve never thought like other people do. I’ve always loved the dark beautiful side of things, understanding human nature, nature vs nurture, survival of the fittest, basic instinct. I would read books and want to be a vampire queen, a Goddess of Rock, The Morrigan, a warrior in a magical land, anything but myself. But I woke up the same every morning. I lived in a fantasy world for a very long time. It was safe there in my books, in my bedroom, hiding from the outside.

My best friend W called yesterday to catch up on things. She asked a question. “Would you get better if the person who hurt you the most apologized? Or if you talked to him and got closure?” I knew where she was going with this. I knew that she had seen and been around him in the last year or so. I told her the truth.

It isn’t about him anymore, it’s about me. I’m not the same person who thought they deserved to be treated like garbage. I have self worth now. I actually pity him because he’s incapable of changing. I will be honest and say that if I saw him do that grin he does I can’t promise that I’ll remain calm. It’s hard to know so I think I’m better off leaving it alone. Do I want him to see me now? Yes, I do. I want to stand in front of him and rub it in his face that I am now a beautiful woman who has more than he ever will. But people like him will never get it. He’s manipulative to the point of being a sociopath.

Her response was “Jesus, you just said everything I was thinking about him and you’re right he hasn’t changed. I was around him 2 times for E’s sake and I couldn’t take it I had to leave early both times. I hate him, I hate his face. I’m kind of glad you said what you did. He had a rule where no one could say “Jesus Christ or for Christ’s sake” in front of him and when I heard that I wanted to puke. That was what did it for me, all I could think about was you and I left.” W understands me better than anyone.

W’s advice about the road trip? DO IT! If you get homesick turn around and head home. you know yourself and how you are going to feel, you’re pretty good at judging when your mood is changing or when you’re going into crisis mode I’ve seen it. Don’t listen to anyone but yourself, don’t tell anyone until your ready and in your car on the highway.

So I’m still confused because I listen to too many people and not to myself. I’ve learned not to trust myself because other people don’t trust my decisions.

Still confused.


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