Tag Archives: Medication

I AM UNIQUE, QUIRKY, LOYAL, SENSITIVE AND MENTALLY ILL

I know if I don’t take some type of medication I will at some point find another way to ease my anxiety, pain, racing thoughts, fatigue, delusional thinking, compulsive behavior, and suicidal thoughts. The last one won’t be a thought anymore if I start drinking again.

I’m only getting the benefit of a small amount of my medications and I know this. Even when I was getting the full benefit I still wasn’t close to “normal”. Chances are I never will be.

I get frustrated at people who advocate for Breathing Therapy and Exercise as a cure/tool for depression but it WILL NOT WORK FOR ME.

I get pissed when I listen to Dr. Drew try to talk about a subject he obviously knows nothing about, treating mental illness with addiction. Everything he said to me was wrong. Most research and scientists have found that the undiagnosed underlying mental illness causes a person to seek relief from alcohol and drugs. The majority of mental health professionals do not know how to treat both and the person gets bounced back and forth or isn’t treated at all.

Then I read a blogger who doesn’t believe in Treatment Resistant Bipolar Disorder. I read the Blog expecting to see evidence, statistics, quotes from researchers, but it’s just their opinion. That’s fine everyone is allowed to have an opinion. The problem is when you have thousands of followers and your a supposed Bipolar Guru.

I also don’t appreciate someone repeatedly trying to tell me I’m wrong and why when I’ve already conceded. I dislike confrontation of any kind so I’ll eventually tell you what you want to hear to avoid conflict that will trigger stuttering and tremors. It isn’t worth it. I don’t know you and I have enough problems with my own family thinking I don’t try hard enough to get better and that I’m just lazy.

I think I’ll have my medical file tattooed on me to make it easier. When I mentioned “Life saving measures were taken” when I went into Kidney Failure both my Dad and twin sister didn’t believe me. Do they think you lose 100% of one kidney and 39% of the other because you have a cold? Or I had to stay in the hospital for over a week because they liked my company? I’m tired of having to prove that I’m sick it’s ridiculous.

They think because I lied when I was drinking that I’m a liar. That’s fair and I don’t blame them up to a point. I’m over 9 years sober and they now know why I was drinking and what I went through when I drank. I have not lied since I’ve been sober (except if someone asks me if they look like they’ve gained weight you can’t win with that one)

I’m not a bad person, I’m a little odd at times. My sense of humor is strange and I find things fascinating that most people don’t. I love to research a topic but I become obsessed sometimes if I can’t figure something out. Sometimes I’m quick to anger but I’m also the first to admit I’m wrong and I’ll feel guilty and cry for days until I make things right.

If I love you you’re lucky because you’ll get the shirt off my back and I’ll take a bullet for you (just ask W. about that one) my mom was the same way she protected those she loved.

That’s it for today. I’ve been binge eating for some weird reason. Not really weird it’s because CVS changed the Generic version of one of my medications. Instead of drinking I’m eating Gluten Free Frozen Yogurt, Gluten Free Cupcakes, Boar’s Head Dill Pickle Spears (I drink the juice too for my gallbladder), Rice Chex w/ Cinnamon & Sugar, Jax Cheese Puffs, I think there was more but I can’t remember lol

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MY UNCLE’S CHOICE OF TREATMENT

My Uncle Jimmy was diagnosed as Paranoid Schizophrenic at an early age. He heard voices and had hallucinations. He was sent to the State Mental Hospital that we had at the time. My Grandmother worked there and the place was eventually shut down for their abuse of patients. There is a Cemetery on the grounds with hundreds of unmarked graves of the bodies they found while doing construction years later.

I believe my Uncle Jimmy was probably treated in a horrific way while he was there. Of course no one wanted to talk about it. The high dosages of medications they had him on left him with a constant tremor in his hands and he had problems with his grinding his teeth. He always had white spit in the corners of his mouth.

My Grandmother gave him over to the State when he was young. She did this with a few of her children. My Uncle Jimmy wasn’t violent he just didn’t have a filter that society expects a person to have. He loved to smoke and drink coffee. He hated the medications that made him like a zombie. He could either stay at a State run facility where they had control over him 24 hours a day or he could be homeless and deal with his illness in the way he preferred. Heroin. He chose to be homeless and to use Heroin.

I don’t condone his decision but I understand it. I had seen him at the State run facilities and it wasn’t a way anyone should have to live. He was in all honesty happier while on the streets. He did share needles with other addicts, a majority of them also mentally ill. He contracted HIV and lived with the virus for many years. At some point he stopped his drug use. I’m not sure if it had to do with his age or his health. He did advance to AIDS about 2 years ago and passed away from pneumonia.

I never saw my Uncle Jimmy not smiling. My mom loved him and tried to take care of him as best she could right up until she herself passed away. She always knew the gas station to find him at and would bring him hot wieners. He was her baby brother and mourned her death pretty hard. I miss his corny jokes and hearing him call my mom “Anna Banana”.

Like I’ve said before no mental illness or addiction is the same for everyone. At least not in my family. We laugh the loudest and cry the hardest. We always have.


How Today Went~ 1 Big Meltdown, 2 Threats, Binge Eating & Bad Driving

I went to bed early last night knowing I had to wake up by 4:45 a.m. to get ready to take my Dad to the V.A. Hospital to have Cataract Surgery.

I have no idea what medications were in my system when I woke up. I won’t know how any of that is really working for quite some time they now tell me. It seems that when you have Chronic Kidney Disease with kidney function now a little under 70% and Celiac Disease some of the medications can actually build up in your system and make your Bipolar worse.

The medications can cause a toxicity. Wasn’t it nice that no one told me this in two years?! So I have no clue what is going on in my body. I only know that the fast acting medications with a shorter “lifespan” are working. Dr. Drew will be excited to know that the only drugs I’m taking that work are Klonopin and Adderall. Hi, Dr. Drew! Still alive!

My father couldn’t remember how to get to the hospital even though he had been there twice before. My sister was driving so he wasn’t paying attention. I put Google Maps on my phone and was using that until he started barking directions at me over the woman’s voice. I tried to ask him how he knew if he couldn’t remember but he’s stubborn. When he says go left you go left even if it means into a fence. (Just kidding) I finally pulled over and asked him where he wanted me to go. The parking lot of the hospital was a mess and had no signs plus it was under construction. He made me park in the employee parking and we ran inside a building. There were several different buildings to pick from.

He was running from floor to floor and I couldn’t keep up. I was getting angry. He was treating me like an idiot, he knew I couldn’t keep up with him and he couldn’t hear me. I finally stopped and yelled some horrible things at him. He had brought me to the Psychiatric Floor where they admit patients. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back. He didn’t do it on purpose but in my mind at the time I was thinking he did to get back at me. I started to feel sick and tingly. I could smell the hospital smell and hear the patients. I was spinning out of control fast.

Next thing I knew I was slumped against a wall stuttering I guess what sounded like “Daddy”. I was crying too. I know only seconds had gone by but it felt like hours. A man who worked there reached me the same time as my dad did. I could hear my dad tell the man I was okay that I just needed to see him and calm down a little. He was right.

We made it to where he supposed to be but I couldn’t answer the nurse’s questions. I had to try to write my cell number down while my hands shook. I was ashamed for how I treated my dad earlier and how people looked at me. I was ashamed for losing control under stress and stuttering/shaking to the point my dad looked like he would cry.

I was stupid enough to call my sister for comfort. She instead threatened to have me committed. I guess this is going to be the new card she plays every time I do or say something she doesn’t like.

After his eye surgery I took my dad to dialysis and bought as much gluten free crap as I could find and ate it in his truck outside the dialysis center. Three and half hours later we came home. He told me how much he loves and appreciates me and understands that it’s hard for me even if he doesn’t show it. He blames himself. He also said not to listen to my sister because no one is taking me anywhere I don’t want to go. I love my dad.


IS BIPOLAR DISORDER A GIFT?

I came across a blog post by a psychiatric Registered Nurse who shared their belief that people with Bipolar Disorder are not sick. The real sickness is the treatment and medication people with Bipolar Disorder receive.

The writer’s belief is also that many with Bipolar Disorder realize that “normal life” is too phony, boring and constrained. Leaving them with the realization that there is much more to this mundane existence. A manic episode is triggered by the collapse of the mask we wear or hide behind and while manic the soul is allowed to be free for the first time.

The author states that there is no science involved in diagnosing Bipolar Disorder, no scans or medical tests, no scientific process.

They quote Socrates “Our greatest blessings come to us by way of madness, provided the madness is given us by divine gift.”

And Plato “Insanity a divine gift and the source of the chief blessings granted to men”

Everyone is entitled to their point of view. I know many that think of Bipolar in terms of wearing a “mask”. I sometimes think that way myself. You are constantly trying to be “normal”.

RESEARCH

Scripps Research Institute has shown for the first time that ensembles of genes within the striatum (part of the brain that coordinates motor and action planning, motivation and reward perception) could be very involved in Bipolar Disorder.

More than two thirds of people with Bipolar Disorder have at least 1 close relative with the illness or with unipolar major depression. (National Institute of Mental Health)

They also found genes linked to the immune system and the body’s inflammatory response system which could help in future development of diagnostics.

MY VIEW

Do I think Bipolar Disorder is a gift? Only if I put it in the same category as Herpes, the gift that keeps on giving.

Before I was diagnosed I drank to feel like a person instead of a thing that was in constant emotional pain. When I wasn’t in pain I was making life miserable for everyone around me. I spent money like there was a never ending supply, I would just do things without thinking, I feel like I had to do something but I didn’t know what, like an itch I couldn’t scratch. The manic times I could handle. The depression I couldn’t. I knew something was wrong with me. I had been around enough mentally ill people in my life to know the signs. I didn’t want it to be true. So at 16/17 I started drinking instead. Next thing I knew 20 years had gone by. The lost opportunities stacked up, so high I couldn’t handle it.

All of the suicide attempts, all of the alcohol, all of the physical and emotional abuse had taken everything out me. I finally gave in and went to a Doctor. I had been to other Doctors. I was court ordered several times to see Psychiatrists. Not one of them diagnosed me with a mental health problem. All they saw was an Alcoholic.

By the time I was diagnosed it was kind of too late. Too much damage had been done. Years of the wrong medications mixed with alcohol, having Celiac Disease and not knowing it for years, and Conversion Disorder, all made things difficult. My immune system is almost nonexistent.

I am 43 and can’t have children now, I have one kidney and Stage 3 Chronic Kidney Disease, I also have various problems with my white blood cell count, malnutrition, malabsorption, Rickets lol, and 1,000 other problems. Do you know what this means? My medications do not work the way they should. Does it make a difference? YES IT DOES.

If you are someone who doesn’t believe in medication then maybe you never found the right combination. I had for about a year and everything was okay. I wasn’t doing backflips but I was leaving the house, taking pictures, making jewelry, and doing some things. When my immune system started to get worse and I was in kidney failure but didn’t know it, there was a huge difference.

There isn’t much relief now. I can’t take off a mask because there isn’t anything underneath. My manic episodes are filled with agitation and angry outbursts. All I keep thinking is “I want to go home” but I’m already home. Then I spend hours searching for plane tickets and hotels to disappear to. Then I talk myself out of it because I’m afraid. The constant cycling of thoughts and memories are relentless.

This is no gift, this is torture.dt_150406_brain_bipolar_disorder_800x600

 


WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SKIP A MEDICATION*(it isn’t good)*

I made sure my pharmacy didn’t give me the Generic version of one of my medications for December. I called them out on the fact that they had been even though I had requested that they didn’t because the Generic has gluten in it. The problem is the Name Brand causes weight loss. I’ve lost 10 pounds in a little over a week. I didn’t want to start hearing how sick I look and I wanted to eat so I skipped it today. Not my best idea.

I think I was going to have problems anyway. I woke up at 6:00 a.m. never a good sign. My mind was racing with memories and things that had been bothering me. One thing specifically is how the people who love me can still have relationships with people who have hurt me beyond repair.

My best friend still sees and talks to the guy who beat me years ago. My sister still talks to my niece who wrote me a vile post that said things I can never forgive her for. My sister also has a good relationship with our ex sister in law who didn’t think her daughter did anything wrong or that she should apologize or talk it out with me. I do take some responsibility here. I did lose my temper with me ex sister in law on several occasions. The problem is my sister was in California and wasn’t here at the time to see how our mother was treated by our ex sister in law.

My niece and ex sister in law have my sister believing my actions are out of jealousy. That my mom spent more time and attention on them and loved them more and I am jealous of the relationship they had. No one wants to listen to my side of things.

Today when I talked to my sister the subject came up, I became defensive and upset. It was downhill from there. One of the biggest problems is that my sister uses our ex sister in law as a babysitter often. If she makes waves she loses her free babysitter. I know my sister better than she does.

She wasn’t here when the ex would call my mother for money. My mother would hide it from my dad and was never paid back. If my mom tried to defend her son in any way my ex sister in law would play games with the kids and not let her see them. My mom would be sick from chemo and she would call to complain about my brother. I would my mom crying and her voice raised. When this kept happening I finally picked up on another phone and told my sister in law “What the hell do you think you are doing? My mom is sick and you keep calling her with this bullshit! We told you not to marry him a hundred times but you did anyway, now DEAL WITH IT! Stop f*cking calling! You are making her worse! I mean it! If I hear her crying again because you called I will be taking a ride to your house and dealing with the situation, do you UNDERSTAND?”. I admit it was a little much and I hadn’t been diagnosed yet and I was still drinking. These are not excuses and I wouldn’t take back what I said. Who calls a woman with lung cancer and puts more stress on her? Plus asks for money? The final straw was when she slapped my mom across the face and kicked her out of their house in the middle of the night.

I was here for all of it. My sister wasn’t. My niece is another story. She is diagnosed with BPD. Her mother told her personal information about me that she used to get to me. It worked. She wrote it was good thing I couldn’t have children, my mother would be rolling over in her grave if she could see what a loser I am, that I need help because I sit on my ass all day complaining instead of doing something like psycho loser I am, no one in the family wants to be around me, they avoid me because of my craziness and because I’m jealous that my mom loved her mom more. Pretty nice kid. Oh, and I should’ve killed myself a long time ago.

Her mother read it and didn’t think it was out of line. I argued with her about that. Sometimes you just can’t win. I stopped trying.

I have to take my medications or all of this will come spilling over and out. My sister only wants happy conversations. Me? I just want to sleep or hide. This is where I would hide.d0f0d2997821f5b65442bd387db4a813


ADDERALL CONTROVERSY (HINT I’M FOR IT)

I’M ANGRY. I REALLY AM. The Mentally Ill suffer daily for many reasons. The stigma of being Mentally Ill, the loss of friends of family, the loss of work and sense of purpose, the loss of drive to do anything or think. The list goes on.

I can’t tolerate the medication merry go round it takes for a Bipolar patient to find the right combination of drugs to help them feel somewhat like a person. If this ever happens. Almost ALL BIPOLAR MEDICATION LEAVE YOU SEDATED. There are very few that leave you feeling like you actually want to participate in life. The ONLY WAY I have been able to do things like go to Florida is because I take Adderall to counteract the drowsiness of the Viibryd and Topamax I take.

My sister in law forbids me to say the word Adderall. She says it’s a “Vicious drug that leads to nothing but heartbreak”. It wasn’t the Adderall that caused the heartbreak it was my niece. Mental Illness and addiction is practically a given in our family. She had already been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and she was already using Heroine. My ex sister in law chose to blame the Adderall instead of acknowledging the harder stuff. There is no such thing as “Gateway” anything. Addiction comes from some deep routed problem within you. It doesn’t help if your family has a history of it. I don’t believe that one drug or drink leads you to addiction. It has to be in you to begin with.

When I see some of the medications other bloggers are on I’m mortified and pissed. No wonder they feel so horrible. I know these meds because I’ve been on most them myself at one time or another. I’ve never been on two or three of them at once! It would’ve been like Night of The Living Dead. How these poor people even get up to go to the toilet I don’t understand. The over medicated are just as bad as the under medicated.

IF YOU ARE A DOCTOR AND DO NOT KNOW HOW TO HANDLE YOUR MENTALLY ILL PATIENT OR HOW TO MEDICATE THEM REFER THEM TO SOMEONE WHO DOES!!!

There’s no shame in it. Just f*cking do it! People are going to eventually die because of this. Either because they can’t find a way out of the darkness they’ve been put in or because they are simply over medicated. Seriously. A patient being prescribed 2 mood stabilizers, 2 antidepressants, and a pinch of ADHD medication? I’m sorry an antidepressant and an antipsychotic they use to sedate people with 2 different stabilizers. I’m officially disgusted.

 


IS SOMEONE HURT?

This is how my twin sister now answers her phone when she sees it’s me calling her. The first time I thought she was joking. She wasn’t.

When I tell her that everyone is fine she responds with “Ok, well I’m taking a nap so bye.” and hangs up. If I need to tell her something about our father or my health she will listen briefly.

It’s school vacation for my nephews. The last time I was in the Hospital and when we drove to Mass General she mentioned the two of us doing something with the kids. She said maybe a Hotel and the Aquarium. I was excited and happy. I should’ve known better.

My ex-sister in law called my father to ask if he wanted to meet her and MY SISTER’S KIDS at Chuckie Cheese. She said she knows he doesn’t see them often because my  sister doesn’t like coming to our house and by the way neither does she.

I then found out my sister was taking the kids to Maine with her mother in law and sister in law for 4 days of their vacation week. My sister in law was taking the kids Thursday morning and bringing them back Friday afternoon. As you can imagine that didn’t leave time for me to take them somewhere as promised.

When I asked my sister about this she said she didn’t remember any of that conversation with me. I also was a little pissed that my ex-sister in law took it upon herself to invite OUR FATHER to visit with my SISTER’S KIDS and her telling him his own daughter doesn’t like to come to our house. I could care less if my ex-sister in law ever came to our house, but you don’t say that to a 73 year old man on Dialysis who just had another health scare last week when he was hours from having a stroke.

The biggest reason the two of them do not like coming to our house is because of the 3 dogs and 2 birds in the house. In the last 6 months we have lost 2 of our beloved dogs. My father was devastated at both deaths. Yes they were of a senior age but we thought they were still healthy because of their actions. They were both still running around, playing, eating, drinking and showed no signs of illness. The one who passed recently had a heart murmur so we knew in the back of our minds that our time with him was coming to an end. The way he was found by me was traumatic. I didn’t take it well. Neither my twin sister or ex-sister in law said a thing about their deaths. Neither of them are animal lovers. The dogs would bark too much when people visited and that would set off the birds squawking. It was too much chaos for them. I repeatedly told them that if they just came in and went right to the couch and relaxed it would stop. The dogs were not used to having people in the house. My father and I do not get many visitors. Ok, I lied. We only get the mail person everyday. So how did they expect the dogs to act? They didn’t bite or anything they just barked at first. They were 3 lapdogs. One a 5 pound medium haired Chihuahua and the other a 10 pound Papillion. Both beautiful.

I think it was up to my sister to invite my father to spend time with her kids and not someone else. Plus her blowing me off with the kids hurt. They had an amazing time by the way. A sleigh ride and a Hotel with an indoor pool that had a tunnel going to a heated outside pool. They were in it for hours while the snow fell. How nice. Sorry I don’t have the money that her mother in law has but I was still going to pay for a nice Hotel for all of us to do something together.

Over the years I’ve paid many times for my sister and I to go away places. I did it with both pregnancies because she was feeling down. Even after both kids were born I took her on an expensive Spa Vacation. She said she would pay for some of it. When I went to pick her up her husband said “By the way we’re broke so she can’t really spend any money”. This did not stop her from booking the most expensive facial and the most expensive massage. She also ordered the most expensive items on the Menu at the restaurant attached. The final straw for me was her ordering 3 glasses of expensive wine each night knowing I was sober for about 2 years and making me pay for it. I could’ve said no to everything she did. I didn’t because I love her and thought she needed a break. When she received a chunk of money I was never paid back for anything. I still didn’t say anything.

After recent events I decided no more. If I want to go somewhere from now on it’s alone. I’m not going to pay family to spend time with me and take advantage of me. If I wanted that I never would have quit drinking and stayed in the gutter with the rest of the leeches. I know it sounds harsh but I am beyond showing that it bothers me.

So once the weather is warmer and my health is better I am going to try to make some friends and do more activities alone but where I can meet people with similar interests.

On a different note. I stopped taking my Topamax (mood stabilizer). The first reason is it causes kidney stones. The second reason is I noticed that I felt better without it when I ran out due to insurance issues. When I went back on it I was crying first thing in the morning again and very irritable until about 2:00 p.m. so I tried stopping it again. The crying and irritability stopped. The only problem is at night I feel like my arms and legs are being pulled from their sockets. I have arthritis and osteoporosis in my hips and pelvis but I don’t remember anything being wrong with my shoulders. I don’t know if this is a withdrawal symptom or not. If anyone has had a similar experience let me know.

I might be a little manic at the moment so excuse the rambling, but you knew what you were getting into when you picked to read me by my site’s title. lol


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