Tag Archives: Finding A Doctor

WHEN YOUR OWN DOCTOR IS FRUSTRATED WITH YOU WHAT DO YOU DO?

The last time I went to my Psychiatrist in February, he was visibly frustrated with me. It was obvious he was out of options. He threw names of medications at me that “we” could try. The problem is that they were all chemically related to previous medications I’ve tried.

I couldn’t understand how he thought Trintellix would be that much different than Brintellix. There is a difference, there’s a T instead of a B. How is it that I know the components of these medications and he doesn’t? How is it that he still can’t tell me how Viibryd is broken down in the bodies system and if I’m getting the full benefit of it? Is having 1 kidney and an extremely compromised immune system preventing the antidepressant from reaching my brain? How is it that no one knows? This isn’t curing Cancer or figuring out the molecular structure of a foreign matter we recovered from another planet! (If you believe in such things)

Sorry. So, towards the end of our 12 minutes he suggests that if I’m that miserable “Why don’t I try taking myself off my medication to see what happens”. This kind of pisses me off as everything does these days.

I reached a point a few weeks ago where I didn’t care anymore and started to wean myself off of my meds. I then tried to change Primary Care Doctors. That didn’t go well at all.

People who don’t know me and read on a piece of paper my diagnoses tend to assume that I am less than intelligent. This is a poor mistake on their part. If from the beginning you talk to me like I am a child or I can’t hear you than we are going to have a problem. If you don’t listen to what I have to say and dismiss me we are going to have a bigger problem.

Conversion Disorder and Bipolar Disorder can work in mysterious ways. There are times where I will be so frightened I will curl up in the fetal position rocking my body back and forth while crying uncontrollably for hours. Time stops during these episodes. Then there are times where a red veil of rage clouds my eyes. I spew out whatever is in my head and I often don’t remember what I’ve said I usually find myself curled up crying knowing that I was out of control but that’s about it.

I WANT TO BE VERY CLEAR. I HAVE NEVER PHYSICALLY HURT ANYONE DURING THESE EPISODES THEY ARE ONLY EPISODES OF SAYING WHAT’S ON MY MIND WHICH I NEVER DO AND STICKING UP FOR MYSELF WHICH I NEVER DO.

It isn’t easy living like this and I have tried so many Doctors, medications, therapy, ECT, you name it without much relief. Now it’s different because my physical health is being compromised. I can’t travel, I have no energy for anything. All I know is that my Blood Pressure is really low. You think the Primary Care Doctor could’ve started with that? Bloodwork? A urine test? Nope. So plan B is to have my stents changed which the Primary Care Doctor couldn’t understand why I had stents in the first place.

She insisted that I must have had “Kidney Stones”. I said “No, I didn’t have Kidney Stones. Most people with Kidney Stones do not get Bilateral Ureteral Thickening like I have.” She didn’t like my answer. She saw on my chart that I had a Hematologist and asked “Why do you need a Hematologist?” I told her that my White Blood Cell Count was extremely low years ago so I was sent to him and he found a lot of abnormalities that usually go with Celiac Disease and when I went into Kidney Failure they were trying to rule out a specific disease that involves a genetic sequence so he also worked on that. I couldn’t understand why the more I spoke the more she looked like she smelled shit.

If I said Black she came back with White. After 20 minutes of this and my stutter becoming worse and worse I had enough. I remember standing and telling her that this was the end of our appointment. She told me I had to wait to do an Exit interview/paperwork. I said “This is my Exit”. And I walked out. This is what a degree from Harvard and an internship at one of the most prestigious Hospitals has gotten me. The second Doctor to treat me like garbage with the same credentials.

I don’t understand why it’s so hard. This Doctor’s nurse had more empathy and human kindness than anyone I’ve met in a long time. Why is it so hard to find that? Are Doctor’s sick of seeing Mentally Ill patients? Or is it patients that actually have a clue about their own care? I know there are Doctors that dislike patients who go on the Internet and learn about what their illness. But guess what? I’d be dead if I didn’t learn what I could and be my own advocate. No one is going to fight for this “crazy” person’s life except me.

Just some new earrings I made.

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How Do You Find The Right Doctors When You’re Confused

Right now I seem to be getting worse and worse. I’ve been through every medication combination, therapy, and a round of ECT. I am at the point where I don’t care anymore.

Physically I’m not so great either. I’m hesitant to go to the Doctor because every single time I do she focuses on my getting a Mammogram and not what I’m telling her. She wasn’t concerned that they couldn’t find my Gallbladder at the Emergency Room and that I’ve had quite a few severe Gallbladder attacks. She wasn’t concerned that my eye Doctor wanted me to see my regular Doctor because of the pressure behind my eyes that she confirmed after 3 different tests isn’t Glaucoma. She isn’t concerned about the swelling in one area of my brain that was supposed to be monitored starting in 2011 and never was. All she’s concerned about is my getting a Mammogram on my nonexistant breasts.

Since I had breast reduction surgery years ago and then lost 135 pounds, I am flat chested. If there was even a rice sized lump I would know. No one in my family has ever had Breast Cancer. Bone Cancer, Prostate Cancer, Cervical Cancer, Lung Cancer, Leukemia, Strokes, Congestive Heart Failure, Gallbladders almost turning to mush, yes to all of these. My mom had Cervical and Lung Cancer but passed away from Congestive Heart Failure. My dad’s brother passed away from Leukemia when he was 9. The Kidney issues are on my dad’s side of the family but there’s no explanation for them.

I’m in Stage 3 Chronic Kidney Disease and have been having some symptoms that I’m a little scared about. At first I thought it was medication related. Now I’m not so sure.

The biggest problem is my Mental Health. My Doctor sucks. I’m too tired to go through what I had to go through just to find a half way decent one.

Then there’s the medical bills I owe.

Everything seems overwhelming. I can’t concentrate and I’m too tired. I know I’m complaining too much and everyone is sick of it. They don’t understand how badly I want to be left alone. No more Doctors, no more anything. I don’t feel any want, need, or urge to do or be anything. Nothing really makes me feel anything anymore except overwhelming sadness or sometimes anger at myself. I used to be able to push through times like this but it’s different now. Something has changed. I wish I knew what it was.

 

 


How Do You Find A Psychiatrist?

I have resisted Therapy and changing my Psychiatrist for a long time now. The Therapy thing I have always resisted since my first experiences with it in my early 20’s.

In the last year or so my Psychiatrist is less than stellar. I don’t think it’s too much to ask that he at least have my information up on the screen of his computer before he starts. That way he won’t ask how I’m doing on a Medication that we stopped 6 months ago and he asked about at the last appointment. And maybe he wouldn’t ask what my Primary Care Doctor is doing about my Celiac Disease when I was actually in KIDNEY FAILURE. He was told this on the previous visit also.

He had his jacket on asking if I was “the last one” before I was even there 15 minutes. He also changed my diagnosis in my file again to Bipolar II. He left out the Conversion Disorder, PTSD, and Anxiety Disorders. I wouldn’t care if I wasn’t on Disability and was able to work. Right now I am at the lowest I’ve ever been.

My speech is horrible the last few weeks. The stuttering and crying off and on is draining. My hands shake as I type. My sister threatens me with ultimatums and my father cries. I don’t know what to do.

I look at a Doctor and his/her credentials and see that they have written research papers on Bipolar Disorder and done studies. Then I see they get a rating of 2 from patients. Mostly for the amount of time spent with them. I want the correct diagnosis, that is what the Psychiatrist does. He/She also helps to figure out your medications. They have Pharmacologists to do that now too. The Therapist is the person you talk to and work out your issues with, I would guess. It’s confusing and I do not have the motivation. Getting dressed is a huge accomplishment for me these days. When the temp outside is 18 degrees I am not going anywhere.

So I sit here crying, stuttering, shaking and complaining to myself because no one wants to hear it anymore. I don’t want to hear it anymore.

I did do some things today. I cleaned the kitchen, cut the Pomeranian’s nails, gave her coat a trim, and washed her up. I’m afraid the Pomeranian won’t be with us much longer. She’s almost as old as JoJo was and she has Epilepsy. She has already changed since his death. Her breath smells fishy indicating liver problems, we’ll know more in a few weeks. As long as she is eating, drinking, and not in pain, she’s ok. When she stops having those short bursts of “puppy” moments I know it’s time.

I really hate Winter.


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