Tag Archives: Environment

TO TELL THE TRUTH WILL BE THE HARDEST THING YOU DO

My parents always lived paycheck to paycheck but did their best to make sure their children were loved and taken care of. When my twin sister and I were babies we were in cribs that had wheels. The wheels supposedly locked in place but my mom came in to check on us one night and my crib somehow was across the room and not where it was supposed to be. My mom was frightened and couldn’t understand how it had happened. She put it to the back of her mind. Except it kept happening. My parents finally realized I could pull myself up and I was rocking back and forth. I would continue this soothing behavior for the rest of my life. Whether it was side to side or back and forth I’ve done it since I could talk. What does that say?

I also bounced one leg like a jackhammer without even realizing I was doing it. Teachers would call me out publicly for doing so. Rocking side to side while standing in the lunch line in Elementary School didn’t help either. It’s surprising how many teachers feed into the bullying of someone who is different.

Anxiety started at such an early age I didn’t know what it was. I thought maybe I was dying, adopted, an alien, robot, a mistake, I never thought I belonged, I always knew I was different. People around me at some point or another made sure I knew it too. Little jabs and comments from relatives they thought I didn’t hear or understand. The kids at school, teachers, and now even Doctors.

I always had trouble being away from my Mom for any length of time. In my early teens I did cut myself occasionally to distract my brain. I’d have to deal with the actual physical pain instead of the mental pain for at least awhile. But I knew I couldn’t do it often because my Mom was the nosiest woman on the Planet and noticed everything. I think she really did have eyes in the back of her head.

Besides the rocking that started so early I also had nosebleeds that started at the same time. I’ve told the story before where a babysitter wasn’t told about my nosebleeds or how I could move my crib. When she looked in our room all she saw was blood all over the walls and my crib way across the other side of the room. Not a good night for her.

The nosebleeds continued until I turned 12 when a Doctor decided to take out my tonsils and adenoids. By that time I had my nose cauterized 3 times. If you’ve never had it done let me paint you a picture. In the movies when someone is stranded without medical attention and a wound won’t stop bleeding and they’re afraid of infection someone will heat a piece of metal/iron until it glows red. At that time they press it to seal the wound. In modern times they use a chemical version that’s shoved up your nose. It still hurts like hell. Again, no one bothered to find out why I was having nosebleeds almost everyday. No one bothered to find out why I was rocking either.

I talk about these things now because the brain is more complex than anyone will ever know in our lifetime. We can’t know why a person makes the choices they do because we don’t live in their head. We haven’t been through what they have. Not everyone can pray away their pain, talk away their hopelessness, when they don’t even know why they feel it in the first place.

Most of the time I asked myself “What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you be happy like everyone else? If your own twin can do it so can you. Are you stupid? A mistake? What’s wrong with me?” Having a twin who is living a “normal” life is excruciating to watch and feel. It isn’t resentment. It’s regret.

While I was drunk one night I found out a person I cared about had said and done some upsetting things. He had called me names which I should’ve expected, he told everyone he was only with me to get close to my best friend W, he wouldn’t normally sleep with a “fat bitch” like me, and to top it off I walked in on him kissing W. I grabbed a knife from the sink and started slicing. I was pissed, hurt, and somehow thought it would show them something. What I don’t know. It took awhile for W to find me and take me to the Hospital. My parents weren’t called that time because W was there to back up my lie.

I slit my wrists one more time, overdosed twice, and jumped off the roof of a building (I was too drunk to realize how close to the ground I was). Anyone who fails that many times really needs to give up and accept there’s a reason why you are not succeeding.

I’ve been reading new research. It shows a link between women who had a virus while pregnant that passed to their baby’s brain. A neurologist told me my mother must of had a virus while pregnant because it showed where I had an infection in my brain at one time that caused continuous swelling. This is also linked to mental illness.

The Danish finished research recently where they found that between the years 1945-1995 92,000 Danes were diagnosed with a mood disorder, 36,000 of them had a severe infection or developed an autoimmune disease at some point before being diagnosed with a mood disorder.

The research is strong between inflammation and mental illness. I can’t overlook it considering I have Celiac Disease, Degenerative Disc Disease, Osteoporosis, Spinal Stenosis, Arthritis, and various other problems. There’s also a genetic factor and ethnic factor. It mostly happens with people from Celtic descent. This would be my Mom’s entire family. My Nanny’s side and Poppy’s side both. My mother’s maiden name translates to “dark stranger” from when the Norse invaded Ireland and settled there. Eventually the Norse name became my mom’s maiden name which matches the information we have about where my Grandfather came from in Ireland.

I think I’m off track. It’s almost 4:00 p.m. and my thought process goes downhill starting at 3:00 p.m. so I only have a little bit of time left.

What I wanted to really say is it’s nice to try to reach out to people who need help. If you do it the right way. Blaming someone who is already gone is pointless. When a person is spiraling downward in their own head you can’t get through, believe me I know this first hand. If Psychosis is involved and the person is hearing a voice telling them how useless they are, they’re a piece of shit, their kids would be better off without them so would their entire family, they hurt everyone around them they should just disappear, it’s almost impossible to make that person listen or to expect that person to call you and talk.

There’s nothing rational about suicide so expecting the person to act rational and call someone for help isn’t rational. That’s why it hurts everyone involved as much as it does. Even when the person survives an attempt their life is no longer their own. Trust is gone, relationships damaged beyond repair, no one knows what to say or do so they pretend you are no longer there as if you actually did die. That’s my experience from my life because I’ve lived it. I didn’t read about it in a book or watch 13 Reasons Why I live it and I’m still living it. But the key word in all that I’ve said is “live”.

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NATURE VS. NURTURE (Fact or Fiction)

I left off with a mention of a Neuroscientist involved in a research project at UC Irvine. The project involved reviewing anatomical patterns in the brain that had a connection with psychopathic tendencies.

The Neuroscientist, James Fallon, put together the scans of murderers, schizophrenics, depressives, and people with other brain disorders. He added scans of his family and his own brain because Alzheimer’s ran his family and he was curious about the subject.

One day while looking at a large stack of scans, one stood out more than the others. This scan had clear characteristics of someone with Psychopathic tendencies. He could tell by the color of the label that it was someone from his family he just didn’t know who.

Fallon broke precedent and looked up who the scan belonged to. He was surprised to learn it was his.

Most people probably would’ve hid the information, as a man of science Fallon needed to know more. He had a series of genetic tests done that can indicate a risk for Psychopathic behavior. A variant of the MAO-A gene is linked with aggressive behavior. All of his genetic tests confirmed what the brain scan did.

When I read this all I could think is “How is this possible?”. How is it that a happily married family man could have all the markers of a Psychopath but not be one?

SOME PSYCHOPATHIC TRAITS

  • Competitive
  • Intentionally angering people to see a reaction
  • Psychologically aggressive
  • Physically aggressive
  • Narcissism
  • Antisocial Behavior

 

NATURE VS. NURTURE

There are actually more people like this than you know. A person who has some difficulty feeling true empathy for others, but can still keep their behavior socially acceptable.

Fallon had always known that he sometimes manipulated other people to get what he wanted. He was also motivated by power. His family’s ancestry had 7 alleged murderers including Lizzie Borden.

Before he was born his mother had several miscarriages. He was given a large amount of his parents attention and love.

Here is where it gets complicated. I’ll try not to put you to sleep.

Serotonin Transporter Protein = affects the development of the prefrontal cortex in complex ways. It can make the region more receptive to Environmental Influences.

A positive and loving childhood was a major factor in who James Fallon became.

FREE WILL

There is one more ingredient according to Fallon. That’s free will. Fallon is trying to be more conscious of other people’s feelings but also admits some of this has to do with his pride and proving to other people that he can.

CONCLUSION

It’s difficult to ignore the numbers. The statistics don’t lie. When you see 42% of convicted serial killers suffered from physical abuse as a child and 74% suffered psychological abuse it’s hard to ignore. If you add those numbers to the possibility of their brains having Psychopathic characteristics to begin with than what happens?

I am in NO WAY DEFENDING ANYONE. I am only interested in the brain side of things. The question of what if they had different childhoods? Would they have been the same. There are some serial killers where there is no physical or psychological abuse to be found. 28077_452145291513946_566614836_n

I’m not naïve. Sometimes people are just evil for the sake of being evil. I do know that I had two loving parents who were always there for me if I needed them. Our house, despite the turmoil, was still a loving house. We would fight each other but if anyone else said a bad word it wasn’t going to be pretty. No matter how much I complain about my sister or my dad I wouldn’t be alive without them. My brother taught me some of life’s most important lessons. He also gave me great taste in music. My mother gave me a heart that is too big and her hands. My father gave me his love of animals and his sarcasm or wit. Not necessarily a good thing. The wit part. But I wouldn’t change a thing.

 

 


COULD YOU HAVE THE BRAIN OF A PSYCHOPATH/SOCIOPATH?(You would be surprised at the answer.) pt. II

I have always been curious about why people do the things they do. Why do they behave in certain ways? I have read books on behavior patterns specifically of criminals, since I was young. I remember reading a book by the Head of The Serial Crime Division of the F.B.I. if I have that title correct. He did profiling. I was fascinated when they were off about the age of a suspect because he had spent 20 years in jail.

When you enter the penal system for a length of time, you stop maturing mentally, or psychologically. When you are released it’s like you are being released at the same age you went in.

The Mafia, specifically the Russian Mafia and their intricate tattoo system intrigued me. I would think of what these people could do if they really put their minds to it. Something positive. But you have to remember what was going on at the time.

I have always believed that Serial Killers and Violent Criminals are born not made.

It turns out they are both. I myself am walking proof of what it takes to possibly change the process early on.

PREVIEW

Several Neurologists gather around rubbing their chins, eyes, bridges of their nose, and shake their heads. I watch all of these behaviors and I know something isn’t right. No one looks like they want to speak.

They make a decision on who will deliver the news. I wish they had chosen someone else.

NEURODEVELOPMENT AND PSYCHOSOCIAL RISK FACTORS IN SERIAL KILLERS AND VIOLENT CRIMINALS

  • Every single Serial Killer or Mass Murderer in history has had some symptom of a mental disorder or abuse. (Alley 2014)
  • 42% of Convicted Serial Killers suffered from Physical Abuse as a child.
  • 74% of Convicted Serial Killers suffered from Psychological Abuse.
  • 35% Witnessed Sexual Abuse.
  • 43% Were Sexually Abused themselves. (Michaud & Aynesworth)

 

BRAINSCANS AND INTERVIEWS ( 4,000 + Participants)

A Psychologist (Kiehl)  with a database of over 4,000 violent criminals with brain scans and thorough interviews found that there were two common elements that consistently showed up. Violent Criminals have less gray matter in the brain and smaller amygdala. The amygdala regulates:

  1. Emotion
  2. Behavior
  3. Motivation

There are other researchers that believe a Chromosome Abnormality could also give a person the predisposition to become a Serial Killer, Violent Criminal, or Mass Murderer.

MY BRAIN SCANS

The Neurologist sat me down in a small room and told me what they had found on the scans of my brain. These were more detailed scans because my hands had started to tremor.

The Neurologist said I had “a remarkably low amount of gray matter” and that the “amygdala part of my brain was smaller than usual”. I also had swelling on the left side of my brain and what looked like white lightning on the right. They said the swelling could have been from an infection in my brain while in the womb or something else.

They sent me on my way. I didn’t find out until recently that I was supposed to have follow up scans for the swelling on my brain. I never did.

My sister or father were always with me when I went to the Neurologists. I had trouble answering some questions due to a stutter that had started.

I was asked if I had ever had any head injuries. Before I could respond one of my family members would immediately say “NO”.

This was inaccurate. I had 2 head injuries. I still have a knot on my head from one that happened years ago. I never went to the Hospital for either one but had lost consciousness for a short time with both.

My family didn’t want me to say anything because they both happened while I was drinking. They were embarrassed. I was ashamed because I allowed someone to hurt me. We should’ve spoke up.

UP NEXT…..A NEUROSCIENTIST LEARNS HE IS A PSYCHOPATHth

 

 

 

 

 


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