Tag Archives: Emotions

INCOMPLETE

I have a difficult time finding words and putting them together to form a sentence. After that I have to try to say that sentence without stuttering and in a way the other person can understand me.

This is made harder when I’m on a roller coaster of highs and extreme lows. My brain will go from topic to topic and I will talk faster at times. I also feel like I’m being really loud. I always hated loud people and I’ve recently noticed that I’m now one of them.

My dad ignores everything I say or sometimes he will try to listen but by the time I get my first words out he’s left the room. It’s not a good feeling. Nothing really is these days.

Have I mentioned I’m tired? Or that I miss my Mom and think more and more about seeing her again. But if I believe in Heaven and Hell I’ll never see her. She had many faults but what was generous and loved her family something fierce. I’ve done too many things in my life that can’t be forgiven. This isn’t the reason I’m an Atheist because I have been before I started drinking, I was headed in that direction at an early age because I always needed to know the answer to everything. The answer had to make sense to me and some of the answers that Religion provided just didn’t.

I wanted to talk about the Phil Anselmo (Pantera) White Power controversy that I’ve been seeing lately. The guy has always been an ass and I love Pantera but he looked a little too comfortable doing and saying what he did to not mean it. For him to blame the media after is ridiculous. You’re not Trump, it wouldn’t be that surprising if you did lean towards White Supremacy don’t blame other people for your actions done under the influence of anger, ignorance, and probably drugs/alcohol. I’m guessing at the drugs/alcohol I know he’s had issues in the past and he has a definite beer belly, it was more his mannerisms that gave it away for me. Takes one to know one and I had met them many years ago (I don’t remember it but if they came to the place I hung out at they partied). I’m judging and I shouldn’t. I just have a problem with bullies and aggressive drunk or sober men I have good reasons.

I wanted to talk about how I’ve binge watched too much of The Originals and The Vampire Diaries (The Originals is better) that I now want to go to New Orleans and see if I can find any Vampires or Witches. My sister said she doesn’t have money to bail me out of jail if I bite anyone. lol That was actually funny but we didn’t actually talk it’s all done through texting. She figures it’s better that way. She doesn’t have to hear any emotion in my voice or feel bad.

It’s been a rough few weeks and I feel like I don’t have much purpose. Life is passing me by and it doesn’t really matter. In an hour I might feel a little different. Maybe I’ll go to Salem it’s closer and stay a few days. I can’t make a decision to save my life. Ridiculous.

Advertisements

Are You An Empath, Psychic, or Just Crazy?

As a child I preferred to sit with the adults, watching their body language and listening to what they said. My mom comes from a large, loud, Irish family that more often than not didn’t tell the truth. When they did it was usually to my mom. I picked up early on when a person was lying or being evasive. I could spot people who were a little “different” right away. Some would ask why did I keep the company I kept if I could do this. The answer to that is I thought I deserved what I got from them. I knew who and what they were as soon as I met them but had no self esteem or confidence. I thought very little of myself and didn’t care what happened to me.

EMPATHS

The qualities of empaths are similar to those of a bipolar person or at least to me. Some say empaths are more of a mystical thing not a scientific one. I’m not sure about that.

People often confide in me even people I’ve just met. I’m deeply affected by the emotions of those around me. I put other’s needs and happiness first. I always support the outcasts and underdogs. I have a deep love of animals and feel more comfortable with them than people. I become overwhelmed in crowds of people and then feel anxious, irritable, and impatient (unless I drank). I’m somewhat creative and feel tragedy/loss deeply and for a longer time than most. I can easily read people whether it’s by their writing, eyes, mannerisms, there’s always a tell. I’m often yelled at because I “know” things but can’t explain how and people think I found out in a malicious way. I’ve also proven this to be false many times.

These traits describe many people. I do feel everything 100 times more than most people. That is the most difficult part because I wish I didn’t. Alcohol helped with that. I don’t grieve like everyone else does. I still have days where I cry uncontrollably over my dog GiGi who was hit by car at the end of our driveway. I think I can still see her white fur gently moving in the breeze as she lay there so still. The same when her brother died years later from a heart condition. His death was not a pretty one. Even though she was hit by a car there was no visible injury to her. Her brother was different and I’m the one who found him when I woke up in a puddle of blood. My dad was at dialysis so I lost control of my emotions. I still see my Mom as I ran into her hospital room. Nurses laughing, drinking coffee, one man doing chest compressions, bloody foam running down her chin, a howling sound that I’m not sure if it’s me or my Dad who’s on his knees. I’m the lucky one in the family who gets to witness the death of everyone or everything I love. I get to remember and feel all of it continuously.

It’s something my twin sister won’t have to go through. I’ll be the one to deal with my Dad too when the time comes. The worst part is my sister distancing herself from me when I’m the one taking the blows to protect her and my nephews. She would never see it that way. All of the grief and pain has shaped me into who I am today. I have kept things from her because I know it would hurt her and when she holds a grudge it isn’t pretty. She already hasn’t talked to our Dad since Christmas and I’m not sure why. I refuse to give her anymore reasons to stay away from us and only consider her husbands family as her real family. I have to say this hurts more than I thought it ever would.

Sometimes I think watching all those movies was a bad thing. I always had an idea of how life was supposed to be, how sisters were supposed to be, none of it worked out that way.


THE TROUBLE WITH EMOTIONS~IS IT BIPOLAR OR BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER?

The majority of people in the World can have something negative said to them and let it slide right off their backs. I’m not one of those people and I can’t remember a time when I was. Sometimes I question my diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder when I read more about Borderline Personality Disorder.

I appear to have symptoms of both but most Psychiatrists will say that you can’t have both.

The recent criteria for separating the two is to assess the emotional episodes from the person’s normal behavior. With Bipolar there are extreme emotional states uncharacteristic of the person during an asymptomatic time. Borderline Personality Disorder is an ever constant emotional state that’s present because it’s part of the person’s baseline personality.

If you understood all of that than we’re doing well. I’m still confused. I’m constantly in an emotional state of some kind. I never have an “ordinary” day. I haven’t for a very long time.

BIPOLAR DISORDER

To meet the criteria for a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder a person must have at least one manic episode with high energy, self-confidence, impulsiveness, fast speech, and high risk behavior. When not manic impulse is not a problem. Emotional/mood swings can last a day or weeks. They are likely to occur without any trigger.

There are different types of Bipolar Disorder but most people spend much more time in a depressive episode rather than a manic one.

Depressive episodes leave the person feeling isolated, worthless, sad and empty.

When I was younger I had episodes of self-confidence, impulsiveness, fast speech and risky behavior. As I got older something changed and I began to only feel the isolation, emptiness, sadness and being worthless everyday.

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER

In BPD sadness, irritability, anxiety, and emptiness are chronic states of being. Controlling behavior is an ongoing struggle. Overreacting on a regular basis, anxiety, anger and depression is your life.

Stress can cause intense emotional pain. Perception and memory become impaired and a sensitivity to separation or rejection.

  • Intense fear of abandonment (real or not)
  • Feeling empty like having a black hole inside you that can never be filled
  • Feeling non-existent
  • Episodes of numbness or zoning out
  • Spending Sprees
  • Promiscuous Sex
  • Substance Abuse
  • Suicide Attempts
  • Self Harm

ASSUMPTIONS BY PEOPLE WITH BPD

  • I must be loved by all the important people in my life at all times or else I’m worthless
  • Nobody cares about me as much as I care about them so I always lose everyone I care about despite the desperate things I try to do to stop them from leaving me.
  • When I am alone I become nobody and nothing.

I went into more detail with BPD because I’ve covered Bipolar Disorder many times. I could check off pretty much everything listed.

EXCEPT some traits I think I definitely don’t have.

  • See people as either all good or all bad
  • There are no gray areas
  • Have no empathy for other people
  • A large percentage have Narcissistic Personality Disorder

My niece was diagnose with Borderline Personality Disorder and I have definitely seen these traits in her. People with BPD can also be aggressive and she is. She is exactly like her father, my brother. He would never go to a Psychiatrist or admit there’s anything wrong. Several people in family have been diagnosed as Bipolar and fit the criteria but me? I’m an enigma in all things. I always blamed my fear of abandonment on my Grandfather because he forgot me at the car wash when I was around 5. It took him about an hour to figure it out. The place was on a busy street and I just stood there hugging a telephone pole and crying.

I am constantly berated for only remembering the negative events in my life. I’m not sure why I can’t remember the happier times. I’m pretty sure that there were some. I remember a few specific times but they were about making someone else happy like my mom.

Does it matter what my diagnosis is? I’ve been this way for the majority of my life, it’s only since a name has been attached that the people around me expect to see a metamorphosis. It isn’t going to happen. I’ve quit drinking for 9 years (I think), I don’t leave the house, I spend too much money, I’m not sleeping with random men or any for that matter, I’m doing the best I can for right now.

I do know that my attachment to my twin sister is unhealthy. I look for her approval too much. I think it’s because she was the most vocal about her disapproval and disgust with the way I was living my life. She really had no room to judge and never offered support only put downs. I’m at the point where I’m getting ready to do something drastic with our relationship. I love her but I can’t keep hitting my head on that same brick wall.


%d bloggers like this: