Tag Archives: Cycling

FLIGHTS OF FANCY

Being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder is difficult enough. When you have Mixed Episodes it’s what I imagine Hell would be like if I were religious.

Mixed Episodes are when a person with Bipolar Disorder has depressive and manic symptoms at the same time or close together. It’s usually called a Manic/Depressive episode with mixed features.

It’s more common in women and people who developed Bipolar at a young age. It can cause unpredictable behavior when feeling hopeless and suicidal but energized and agitated.

I love to do research but sometimes it might be better to not know some things about yourself.

The new college courses in Psychiatry give how many years are subtracted from a person’s lifespan with specific Psychiatric conditions. 25 years has been deducted from mine. This would mean I have less than 6 years left. I’m not really surprised at this. I should be but I’m not.

I try not to think about it because the brain and Psychiatric Disorders are never 100% accurate and everyone’s brain is so unique nothing is for sure.

I am restless and I feel I’ve wasted my life and now I don’t have enough time, money, energy to do anything I want to do.

It’s also hard being alone all the time. My Dad is either at dialysis or doing something outside. He used to like talking to me until I started to get worse day by day and he started dialysis. My twin sister never wanted to be close and still doesn’t. My one best friend works 60 hours a week and lives with her boyfriend so she doesn’t have a lot of time. I’ve tried to make new friends in the past but I would talk myself into thinking they didn’t really like me. I didn’t deserve to have friends and they just felt bad for me.

So many Doctors, Therapists, Neurologists who all didn’t have answers for me except that I’ll get worse. Thanks! Can I have a steady morphine drip please? Because everything hurts 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, on the outside and the inside. From my brain to my heart to my bones. I’m afraid I’ll never get to experience love or go on a date. I am my own problem. How can any of that happen if I only leave the house once every 3 weeks?

I still feel this need to try to drive cross country. The need is stronger at night but I don’t know why. I’m not an adult. I’m 44 and haven’t really had to do any of the things that adults do. It’s one of the reasons I didn’t tell anyone where or when I was buying my car. I wanted to do it myself and if I made mistakes at least they would be mine. My Dad acted like a 2 year old when I did it but has since admitted I made the right decision. He still has a problem if I am not home by the time it’s dark outside. By “problem” I mean dry heaving and chest pains. I can’t live with knowing I cause him to react like that so I stay home. Not much of a way to live.

I’m usually in my room by 3:30/4:00 p.m. because I’m bored and I can watch what I want in my room. I go to bed fairly early because there isn’t much else to do.

Do I want something to change? Sometimes. I really did want to try to drive from Rhode Island to California.

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