Tag Archives: Can You Let Go?

YOU TOLD ME ALREADY!

I forget what I’ve already said to people. I shouldn’t considering I only talk to my twin sister and my Dad. The problem is the conversations with my sister are usually texts and when I actually get her on the phone it’s been awhile. I become over excited and rush to say everything I can before she tells me she has to go. She then gets angry and says that I only talk about myself and never listen to her problems. I’ve told her a million times that she has to stop me and just politely say “Can I tell you what happened to me?”. I’ll understand. But she would rather yell at me.

This happened this morning. I knew I called her too early. I can’t really talk to anyone until after 9:30 for some reason. Maybe it’s my medication but I’m pretty bad when I first wake up and I don’t improve until after 9:30. Of course the subject of Doctors came up and she asked if I found a new Psychiatrist or considered Therapy again so I can gain better “coping” skills. The conversation went downhill from there. She said that she doesn’t believe I have no control over what I say and think. She believes that I can control the loop of thoughts and memories in my head if I really wanted to. She doesn’t believe that I am “medication resistant” or that my Bipolar is harder to treat than anyone else’s.

I was crying and stuttering. The more I tried not to the worse it became. I was angry and sad. I told her I didn’t want to lose her. She told me I was stupid but if I continued the way I was she didn’t know what would happen. Supposedly I “upset” her every time we talk and our conversations leave her nauseous.

I can’t say that I felt too great after speaking with her either. As a matter of fact I was looking for the closest sharp object. Then I was filled with anger.

She has never really listened to what I’ve been through. She doesn’t want to know. Maybe I keep repeating past events hoping one day she’ll hear what I’ve been through. But she won’t. I have to accept that. She’s been the same person for 44 years she isn’t going to change. When my dad found out he was in Kidney Failure and headed towards dialysis I immediately offered one of my kidneys. My Dad has too much pride and refused at first but said he would think about it. My sister never offered. He deteriorated too fast and had to go on Dialysis, then in a weird twist of fate I went into Kidney Failure and lost my right kidney. (My sister never offered me a kidney either. I didn’t need one but she didn’t know that. My best friend offered though.) My dad has brought up the idea of a kidney transplant recently but he’s 73 so I’m not sure how that works. There isn’t anyone else in the family able to do it except for my sister who doesn’t work and is healthy enough to do it but won’t. Sorry, but this pisses me off. It also reminds me that she’s selfish and doesn’t appreciate anything.

My Dad gets upset when I try to talk to him about my sister. I’m not sure too many people know what it feels like to have your twin sister act embarrassed by you. This started at an early age. I know she said that she wanted us to have separate friends and be are own “person”. She went out of her way with this idea. Banning me from parties and going to the same places that she went with her friends is a little much. She also was ashamed of our parents and our house. My parents didn’t know this but she was very vocal about it when they were not around.

We weren’t exactly poor but my parents worked hard to own their house and were not able to really save much money. I would say we were lower middle class. I had money for things I wanted because I started working at 14.

When it came time for my sister’s wedding she was pissed that they could only afford to give her $10,000 and pay for her dress which was $1,500. I wanted to slap her. They wanted my parents to pay for an open bar and for private security for a few of the guests that needed it. WTF??!! Both of my parents were alcoholics who had been sober for 30 years, there was no way they were paying for an open bar. Private security for people who have more money than my entire family combined? Don’t think so. Then my sister told my mom she didn’t want any of my mom’s side of the family invited to the wedding. My mom loves to show off her kids and she loves her brothers and sisters. It hurt her immensely to hear this. I think my Dad actually talked to my sister because she changed her mind fast.

Then the last insult. My dad spent months building a Treasure Chest made of Oak and was Gold Plated. He did all of the carving by hand, there were sail boats and the ocean, he did the welding and the gold plating. The chest was where the guests would put their envelopes and then was meant to be kept as memento. It was beautiful. Until they ran through their Honeymoon money too fast, couldn’t find the key to the Chest and decided to smash it to pieces.

When said to her “I don’t want to lose you” and her reply was “I don’t know, it’s too much talking to you, I’m anxious and sick to my stomach for the rest of the day after. You have to get more help and Therapy or this isn’t going to work.”.

I don’t respond well to ultimatums. Do I think my Doctors are doing their best? No, I don’t. But it would be nice to have support for a change.

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