Tag Archives: Bipolar Disorder

BUCKET LIST (DIDN’T THINK I WOULD NEED ONE)

For someone who wanted to die for so many years to now feel like there isn’t enough time is strange. I haven’t done a lot of the things I’ve wanted to do. I don’t have insurance so there is no money to bury me. I don’t want my Dad to have to worry about it.

My kidney function has decreased and is one of the reasons I’m having so many problems with my medications. Scans of my brain from years ago were looked at by the team of Doctors I have now. They weren’t able to get them previously. The results were less than good. This was from 8 years ago so I have to have another scan as soon as possible. The previous one worries them because of the swelling in one area, the pressure behind my eyes, the lightning bolt in one area, the extreme loss of grey matter and some white matter. Plus the fact that I did have an infection in my brain at one time.

They were appalled that no one had done more scans. At least I felt better that I wasn’t the only one who thought it was odd.

The mental health part is worse than anything. I go from feeling okay to that 12 foot hole of darkness with a hollow ache in my chest. The feeling of complete hopelessness and that I am insignificant in this World is so overwhelming the only way to get through it is to get in the fetal position in the dark while screaming and sobbing into a towel.

BUCKET LIST

  • Work with Exotic Wildlife at a rescue or rehabilitation center.
  • Spend a day with Wolves.
  • Meet Dave Navarro so I can ask him questions about addiction, mental health, relationships, art, movies, TV, watches, eyebrows, etc.
  • Spend a full day with just my dad and my sister talking about our best memories.

That’s pretty much it. I have an estimated 8 to 10 years if I’m lucky. Somehow I don’t think any of my bucket list will happen. Right now I’m tired and my relationship with my Dad and sister isn’t great. I haven’t kept them informed about the Doctor’s insights. It wouldn’t do any good. I can try to achieve some small things when I can.

Today it’s dark and rainy so I’m not feeling great and just want to sleep. I will try not to because I don’t want to waste any time.

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I WOULD LIKE TO THANK THE GOVERNMENT FOR ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

Today I have received four phone calls informing me that my Social Security Number is once again suspended. If you read my previous post you know this has happened before and I reported it to three different agencies. The man threatened to send prostitutes to my house using my name online, open false bank accounts and buy weapons, and open credit cards. I admit I didn’t take it well when he got to the weapons part. I informed him he wouldn’t get far buying weapons with my Social Security number because I’m Mentally Ill and have bad credit. What I do have is a certificate in crazy and a brother who works in the Government and would be happy to track his ass down in India so I can visit. I also have a close friend who lived with a specific religious sect that would gladly help also. I admit I felt threatened and backed into a corner.

When I feel like this I either lash out or crawl so far into myself it takes days or weeks to come out. This time I lashed out.

Needless to say the Government did nothing. I’m not really surprised. I gave them the phone number, the names used, everything that was said and they didn’t ask for any of it!

So now I start getting the phone calls again only this time I just don’t care. I feel kind of done. I’m tired of being yelled at or ignored. I’m tired of apologizing for my existence, what I’ve said, didn’t say, what I’ve done or didn’t do. It’s constant, this need to say “I’m sorry” all the time.

It makes me feel weak and pathetic. Feelings I dislike immensely.

Everything has an effect on me, from movies, TV, music, social media, small conversations and other people’s moods. I literally jump when my Dad enters the room and says my name now. I can feel his anxiety and irritability like a fog around me. I start to feel the same and it never ends well.

I’m practically begging people to talk to me or like me. When I was drinking I could’ve cared less who liked me for many years. Now I feel loneliness like a thousand paper cuts healed and done again the next day.


MISINTERPRETATIONS, DISTORTION, DEPENDENT PERSONALITY AND EXPRESSED EMOTION

I do have a habit of overthinking many comments and conversations. This always leads to trouble. I also will ask a question I already know the answer to just to try to fit in and engage in conversation. Recently this backfired on me and I lost my temper.

I should’ve known I would get negative responses I was on Twitter. They were having a hashtag ask a question day and I asked about cutting my dog’s nails because he panics so much I was afraid he would hurt himself.

This set off a firestorm of people telling me that I was “torturing my poor animal” and other similar not as nice things. At first I was going to let it go but then on organization kept sending me Tweets saying “STOP HURTING YOUR ANIMALS!” and I lost it.

I know how to cut his nails and that he has to be sedated. I also know the correct medications and dosages for every size dog. I know how to do CPR on animals and have done so on several dogs. I have used a tiny hypodermic needle to inoculate up to 200 birds from disease. The injection has to go into a specific area or they bleed too much and won’t be inoculated. I helped hand raise Endangered Bird Species feeding them with an eye dropper every half hour so they could later go to a special program at the Bronx Zoo. But I played dumb because I have no one to talk to, it was a bad day and I wasn’t thinking clearly.

On Instagram I commented on something where I thought the person was making fun of someone for stuttering. They were not and I completely misread the entire situation and became defensive. Now I feel embarrassment and shame. Two feelings I hate to feel the most.

I need more help than the Professionals in R.I., MA, and CT have been able to give me. When they have all decided there is nothing left to be done I’m not sure how long I can live with that. How long could you live with knowing the people you love can’t be around you? How long could you go on with nothing but your own voice to listen to, no human contact for many years, nothing to look forward to, no purpose?

I had to leave the house the other day for food. Unfortunately someone from High School recognized me. First Question: “How are you, are you married?” Second Question: “Do you have any kids?” Third Question: “What are you doing for work, where do you live?” yes they were jumbled in like that. How can you tell someone that you’ve never even been on an actual date or been alone with a man in 9 years? How do you tell them that for some unknown reason you stopped getting your period at 36 and will never have children? How do you tell them that you don’t work because you have several mental illnesses but please don’t be afraid? And the last on, I never left home and I still live with my Dad.

I went home and went to bed. Sometimes it’s too much.

DISTORTION: Altering perception of upsetting reality to be more acceptable.

DEPENDENT PERSONALITY DISORDER: Helplessness, excessive need to be taken care of, submissive and clingy behavior, difficulty in making decisions.

EXPRESSED EMOTION: Hostility, criticism demonstrated by some families toward a family member with a Psychological Disorder.30194987565ee667cf813de17cc6c667      Most of the time I find things like this that explain what I feel or want to say better than I can.


TALKING TO MYSELF

I hate repeating myself. I have a hard enough time getting a complete sentence out as it is. When I have to repeat myself three or four times it isn’t only difficult in a cognitive way but thoughts of unworthiness start creeping into my head. Of course this will snow ball to the point where I’m convinced the people left in my life are tired of dealing with me so they pretend I’m not here. I’m invisible so I talk to myself. Sometimes I forget I’m in public when I do it. It isn’t often I’m in public, only 2 to 3 times a month but it’s still embarrassing.

I felt okay yesterday and this morning but now I’m overwhelmed by sadness. I miss my Mom. I miss her hugs, I rarely get hugs since she passed away. I miss watching her graceful hands as she did jewelry, knit, cooked, or held my hand. I miss how she would tell my Dad off and he would listen. He’s angry all the time now so I walk on eggshells all the time. It’s more like landmines. He’s always been intimidating.

Knowing how people see and think of you is the hardest part. One of the biggest problems is the misconception that the labels that have been put on me equate me with a lower IQ. It’s the exact opposite. I’m too observant, intuitive, I love to research and learn about specific subjects, I pick up on social queues, I just keep it to myself.

I know my sister doesn’t want to be around me. My Dad feels guilty and like he’s stuck with me. I used to get 10-20 phone calls a day from different people to see what I was doing. In the last 9 years I’ve had about 10 total calls from my 1 best friend to check if I’m still alive.

I might be alive but this isn’t living.

I can’t motivate myself to get out the door. The last time I did it was because I was going to a concert out of state and had backstage passes. Stuff like that doesn’t happen anymore. I thought of going to Salem, MA because I used to love it there but I would rather go to New Orleans. I’m not sure how safe a trip there would be for me.

So today I’m kind of stuck in the middle of nowhere.


WHEN MY OWN WORDS FAIL ME

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RECENT EPIPHANIES

Epiphany~ sudden intuitive perception or insight.

Positivity~ optimistic in attitude. (a definition I can live with)

Over the last few months I’ve been having tougher time than usual. I’ve actually regressed to a place I never though I would be again. I never thought I would seriously consider hurting myself again, actually visualize the entire thing in my mind. When I heard whispering I knew I was in trouble.

I waited to tell anyone because I didn’t want to be put in the Hospital where I wouldn’t have any control over what was done or how long I stayed. I know what the “law” is but that doesn’t mean everyone follows it. I’ve been in that situation before and if I hadn’t received ECT it would’ve broken me. My Dad isn’t a stupid man so I couldn’t keep much from him for long. My sister and I usually only text. It’s easier for her to ignore or to be able to gauge what my mood is. If she actually hears my voice, hears the pain and tears, it’s harder for her to hang up or disengage. Eventually they both noticed I changed and it wasn’t for the better.

I went to my Psychiatrist and we discussed several reasons why I was having suicidal thoughts, hearing voices, and on two occasions hallucinations. I was also irritable, angry, crying, and going through all of these emotions frequently throughout the day. I wasn’t sleeping like I used to and was exhausted.

The bottom line is there isn’t too much more for me to try on the medication or therapy side of things. I’ve tried it all. I could try ECT again but the Doctors are concerned because of my chronic low blood pressure and slow heart rate. My physical health is worse now than when I first had ECT.

POSSIBLE SOLUTION IS ME

I’ve decided to be open minded and try something new. I’ve decided to try to let go.

For once a famous person with a mental illness has said something that I found to be helpful and has changed my perspective. He’s been through some heartbreaking experiences and he isn’t saying “take medication, don’t take medication, believe in God, don’t believe in God, exercise don’t exercise, eat the right foods or don’t” his belief is this

“You choose the part you want to play in this life. I want to be a good guy. I want to do good things. I want to make people happy and I want to help out when I can. So you do what you need to do”

He also believes in surrendering to the hopelessness we feel and to stop being afraid of the sorrow and suffering.

“It’s going to happen, you’re going to have times of extreme depression you don’t come out of on the other side, but you can choose who you want to be when it’s over.”

And he’s right because the depressive episodes do end at some point or at least lift to a tolerable level where you have clarity. I have let the fear of my symptoms hold me in place and I’ve become a person I never wanted to be.

I never wanted to be okay with sitting on my couch for years at a time with no social interaction, no friends, and what family I have left sick of dealing with me.

There was a time where I wanted to speak at High Schools about Mental Health/Bullying/Peer Pressure/Alcohol because school was a pivotal point for me. Mental Health problems and symptoms begin early and maybe by talking about my own experiences I could prevent someone from having to go through what I did. Early detection is the key.

I also wanted work/volunteer at a wildlife rehabilitation center. Animals have always been my passion since I was little. My Grandmother on Dad’s side always asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. I always said the same thing “A veterinarian”.

Boy, did I take some wrong turns. Jewelry maker, Store Manager of 3 major stores, Cosmetologist, Rock Groupie (not really groupies are usually fans who want to have sex with the musicians they idolize I just liked talking to them and most appreciated the change and the chance to have a normal conversation), Alcoholic, Bouncer (I looked tougher than I was specifically when drinking), I’m forgetting some things and getting off track but you get the point.

I’m now training myself that the “Positivity” isn’t always bad and to remain open minded. I also can’t control what my Dad does or says so I have to try to stop getting upset every time he does or says something upsetting which is often. If he wants to push himself to the point of dropping outside and refuses to listen to the his Doctors or me there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ve been trying for 2 years now and I’m the one who is on the floor in the fetal position crying and muttering words that don’t make sense because I just had to clean a pint of his blood off of the floor. No one else is losing it, just me. He continues to do the same things he isn’t supposed to so I can’t fall apart anymore.

My sister I’m going to have to deal with also. I have to accept that I can’t expect her to give what she isn’t capable of giving. Just because my feelings and emotions are to the extreme I can’t expect everyone else to be the same it isn’t fair. She should put her own family first. I’m a grown woman. The problem is I’ve never lived like one.

It’s time to do some serious work, letting go and healing. I’ve also been off of Twitter which I’ll explain that in a future post.

Thank you to everyone who reads my long rambling posts it’s appreciated more than any of you will ever know.


I TOLD THE TRUTH TODAY. I DIED. (World Suicide Prevention Day)

I have had symptoms of Bipolar Disorder since the age of 10 but wasn’t diagnosed until I was close to 35 years old. That is a lot of suffering. If you are Bipolar or have Major Depression you understand what I mean. The constant empty ache in your chest like something horrible has happened but you don’t know what. Feelings of being worthless, like you never should’ve been born or guilt. Being bullied throughout school did nothing to help. Alcohol did.

The first time I hurt myself I don’t remember much of it. I know it was my 17th Birthday and I was at my own party at J’s house. Someone must have said or done something because that’s usually how it happened then. My extreme low self-esteem got me every single time.

I do remember my best friend W. screaming at J. and people wrapping my wrists as we went to the Hospital and I got stitches.

Another time I cut so deep on the left side but refused to go to the Hospital that I caused nerve damage going to me left pinkie and ring finger. They both still go numb and the scar isn’t pretty because I never went for stitches. I have a total of 4 scars.

I have also had the pleasure of having my stomach pumped and having charcoal forced down my throat on several different occasions.

Because of all this I was constantly court ordered to see Psychiatrists and Therapists who didn’t help.

I also jumped off the roof of a building but luckily I was so drunk that I didn’t realize how close to the ground it actually was. I chipped a bone in my ankle and had some scrapes and bruises.

I stopped doing this in my thirties for some reason. The feeling was still there but I didn’t act on it.

When I went into Kidney Failure and didn’t realize what was going on or that it was as serious as it was the Doctor had asked if I wanted a DNR and he also said I needed to get my family there immediately. That’s when it hit me that things were bad. By this time I had been diagnosed Bipolar with Conversion Disorder. I couldn’t reach my Dad because he was at Dialysis! My sister wasn’t answering her phone as usual. I was angry so I signed the DNR. I thought that my family didn’t care about me so it didn’t matter anyway.

I found out recently that the Doctor knew I wasn’t stable enough to make that decision so when they lost all my vital signs he ignored the DNR, I flatlined. Lifesaving measures were taken. It wasn’t too bad they only lost me for less than a minute and I’m glad he ignored the DNR because I have something I didn’t have when I was younger.

I have a sliver of hope that I might be happy one day. I’m finally kind of okay with the outside of myself after 44 years now I have to try to forgive the inside. I have to stop punishing myself for everything I’ve said and done in my life that may or may not have caused people to not like me. If that means I’m alone than I have to learn to be comfortable with that. Alone isn’t that bad. I can go where I want and be with the animals I love so much. I could even live with a pack of wolves. (Okay that might be a bit much but I would if I could)

What I’m trying to say is that when it came down to it, when death was right there, I was scared as Hell and so happy to wake up and see my sister’s face.


INCOMPLETE

I have a difficult time finding words and putting them together to form a sentence. After that I have to try to say that sentence without stuttering and in a way the other person can understand me.

This is made harder when I’m on a roller coaster of highs and extreme lows. My brain will go from topic to topic and I will talk faster at times. I also feel like I’m being really loud. I always hated loud people and I’ve recently noticed that I’m now one of them.

My dad ignores everything I say or sometimes he will try to listen but by the time I get my first words out he’s left the room. It’s not a good feeling. Nothing really is these days.

Have I mentioned I’m tired? Or that I miss my Mom and think more and more about seeing her again. But if I believe in Heaven and Hell I’ll never see her. She had many faults but what was generous and loved her family something fierce. I’ve done too many things in my life that can’t be forgiven. This isn’t the reason I’m an Atheist because I have been before I started drinking, I was headed in that direction at an early age because I always needed to know the answer to everything. The answer had to make sense to me and some of the answers that Religion provided just didn’t.

I wanted to talk about the Phil Anselmo (Pantera) White Power controversy that I’ve been seeing lately. The guy has always been an ass and I love Pantera but he looked a little too comfortable doing and saying what he did to not mean it. For him to blame the media after is ridiculous. You’re not Trump, it wouldn’t be that surprising if you did lean towards White Supremacy don’t blame other people for your actions done under the influence of anger, ignorance, and probably drugs/alcohol. I’m guessing at the drugs/alcohol I know he’s had issues in the past and he has a definite beer belly, it was more his mannerisms that gave it away for me. Takes one to know one and I had met them many years ago (I don’t remember it but if they came to the place I hung out at they partied). I’m judging and I shouldn’t. I just have a problem with bullies and aggressive drunk or sober men I have good reasons.

I wanted to talk about how I’ve binge watched too much of The Originals and The Vampire Diaries (The Originals is better) that I now want to go to New Orleans and see if I can find any Vampires or Witches. My sister said she doesn’t have money to bail me out of jail if I bite anyone. lol That was actually funny but we didn’t actually talk it’s all done through texting. She figures it’s better that way. She doesn’t have to hear any emotion in my voice or feel bad.

It’s been a rough few weeks and I feel like I don’t have much purpose. Life is passing me by and it doesn’t really matter. In an hour I might feel a little different. Maybe I’ll go to Salem it’s closer and stay a few days. I can’t make a decision to save my life. Ridiculous.


BIPOLAR AND RELATED DISORDERS~ EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW (Part I)

I believe in knowing as much as you can about what you have been diagnosed with. If you don’t you are putting all of the control and life changing decisions into someone else’s hands. I’m not okay with that. I learned too late that just because a person has “Doctor” in front of their name it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re automatically right.

All of the information presented here is taken from College Curriculum that everyone needs to take to work in the Mental Health field. All of it is from 2017 so it’s up to date.

BIPOLAR DISORDER: Shifts in mood, energy and ability to function. Ranges from severe Mania to severe Depression.

CAUSES

  1. Biological: question of decreased gray matter in the brain.
  2. Neurotransmitter Imbalance
  3. Genetic
  4. Life events may trigger a mood disorder in someone with a genetic pre-disposition.

RISK FACTORS

  1. First degree relative with Bipolar Disorder.
  2. Substance or alcohol abuse.
  3. Major life changes such as death of a loved one or other traumatic experience.
  4. Increased risk if person has existing mental illness.

COMPLICATIONS

  1. Substance/Alcohol use 60 to 70 % of people with Bipolar Disorder meet the diagnostic criteria for a lifetime history of substance abuse/dependence.
  2. Suicide/Suicide attempts
  3. Financial problems
  4. Isolation

ETIOLOGY: Early onset is more severe and harder to treat. Young people have more mood switches, mixed episodes, are sick more often and have a higher risk of suicide attempts. Theories of development are focused on biological, psychological and environmental factors.

PHYSICAL: There can be physical symptoms that occur with Bipolar Disorder. The more common ones are dehydration, poor nutrition, weight loss, asthma, bronchitis, hypothyroidism, migraines and gastric ulcers.

BIPOLAR DISORDER I

For a person to be diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I they have to have had at least one week long manic episode that results in excessive activity, energy and alternates with depression or a mixed state of agitation and depression.

MANIA

There are many aspects to Mania some of them include an extreme drive and energy, inflated sense of self-importance or grandiosity*, reduced need for sleep, excessive talking combined with pressured speech*, a personal feeling of racing thoughts or flight of ideas*, easily distracted by environmental events, unusual obsession with or over focus on goals and risky behavior.

RISKY BEHAVIOR includes indiscriminate spending or spending sprees, reckless sexual encounters or promiscuity, and taking financial risks like gambling or investments.

There are two types of Mania, Euphoric and Dysphoric.

EUPHORIC MANIA: Starts out as a wonderful feeling then turns dark as euphoria moves toward confusion and loss of control.

DYSPHORIC MANIA: This is a mixed state or agitated depression. There are depressive symptoms along with mania.

The “clinical findings” or outcome of medical research and diagnostics for Bipolar I are the following:

  1. Euphoria of manic episode causes patient to have little insight as to what they’re doing.
  2. Person can also be irritable.
  3. Spring and Summer seem to be peak periods.
  4. Person may believe they have special abilities outside the normal range of talents or training.
  5. Inflated self-esteem may reach delusional proportions.
  6. Goal driven energy that leads to poor judgement.
  7. Talking excessively.
  8. Answers questions at length when it isn’t necessary.
  9. Talks when no one else is listening or interrupts when others are talking.
  10. Shifts from one topic to the next.

Mania onset is fast in Bipolar I and can last a few days to months. It’s usually briefer than Depression and ends as abruptly as it begins.

Manic Episodes are usually followed by Depressive Episodes.

HYPOMANIA: Patients will have elevated mood and other classic symptoms but are usually not delusional or have hallucinations. Hypomania usually lasts no longer than 4 days.

DEPRESSIVE EPISODES

Five or more symptoms need to be present during a two week period and represent a change in previous functioning.

Symptoms: Feelings of worthlessness, indecisive, guilt, difficulty thinking/concentrating, thoughts of death/suicide, Somatic symptoms, change in appetite/weight, sleep, motor skills, agitation, and loss of energy.

Assessment: Relies on clinical picture, history and response to medications. Structured interviews are helpful to gather relevant history and a medical evaluation is critical. Traditional psychological testing isn’t useful until the patient has been stabilized.

*grandiosity- Exaggerated unrealistic sense of importance

*pressured speech- Disturbed speech pattern where logical speech is replaced by loud rapid and confusing language.

*flight of ideas- Over productive speech with rapid shifting from one topic to another.

I’m going to stop here for now. As I was researching Bipolar Disorder and had the actual exams and study guides that Doctors, Therapists, Nurses, and other people working in the Mental Health field had I found myself becoming angry.

You could put a check mark next to almost every single symptom/criteria needed for a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder for me.

It started at a young age and by the age of 21 I had already been court ordered to see two Psychiatrists, two Therapists and a Drug and Alcohol Counselor. Not one of them ever did a real assessment. All they saw in front of them was a young girl with low self-esteem who drank too much and maybe had anxiety. They would give me a 6 month supply of an antidepressant and send me on my way. Unfortunately some of what they gave me made things worse.

Over the years I would be court ordered to see more Psychiatrists and Therapists who still didn’t ask why I was drinking or what I was trying to escape or numb with alcohol. I told all of them that my family has an unusually high amount of mental illness from Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and Schizophrenia. This included my Mom, Grandmother, and two of my Mom’s siblings. Her brother and sister were both diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia. My Uncle hallucinated quite a bit but he was harmless, my Aunt on the other hand was manipulative and cruel.

The fact that I had to wait 25 years for a diagnosis is ridiculous and now has made me basically untreatable. I was given the wrong medications for years, I self medicated with alcohol for 20 years, manic and depressive episodes put me in situations that resulted in memories my brain won’t allow me to remember so I stutter and shake instead when I’m upset. My brain was nice enough to leave me with memories I wish it hadn’t that it likes to play on a loop when I’m having a really bad day which is often. I now here my own voice constantly whispering “They were right. No one will ever want you. You’ll never be pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough, good enough. No matter how hard you try you will always be that 250 pound fat drunken slob who slept with any guy to try to prove she was worth something.” I won’t get into the other things I hear.

It doesn’t help that the Generic Brand of Topamax changed their formula and I’m the one that has to suffer for it. It’s been pretty horrible I have to say. I have not thought of hurting myself in years. A few weeks on this new formula and that changed dramatically so I had no choice but to taper off of it for now until I can research a replacement. You would think my Doctor would do that but I don’t let him because they will go with whatever company has been by to push their new drug and I’m not a guinea pig anymore.


WHY I’M TOO HONEST

I wouldn’t want anyone to go through what I have in my 44 years on this Planet. I talk about my past and my diagnoses as honestly as I can remember in case someone reading recognizes some of these symptoms or behaviors in themselves. No one should have to wait over 20 years to receive a diagnosis. When you’ve had a mental illness that has gone undiagnosed for so long it’s almost impossible to treat.

The team of Doctors I have guess that I started showing signs as early as 10 years old. I wasn’t diagnosed as Bipolar until I was 35/36. They wonder about my earlier years because I started so early using soothing mechanisms. I would rock back and forth in my crib while standing, when I grew a little older I bounced my head on my pillow to fall asleep and bounced my head off of the car’s head rest whenever I was in the car.

I also couldn’t keep myself from bouncing one leg up and down while sitting. I always had to be doing some kind of repetitive motion to calm myself down.

The Doctors also found it odd that I had so many nosebleeds and had to have my nose cauterized 3 times. Finally they took out my adenoids and slowly the nosebleeds stopped. I started having them as a toddler and they didn’t stop until I was about 10 years old.

There are days where I want to donate myself to Science and tell them to scan my entire body and do every test available because I’m tired of living this way.

I have been leaving my sister alone. She eventually sent me a text saying she loved me. I sent her one saying I was frustrated because on good days when I don’t want to talk about mental or physical health but everyday stuff I have no one to talk to.

The response I received was that I should volunteer somewhere it would make me feel better.

Not “Why don’t we get together and talk?” or “I’ll call you and we’ll talk right now” nope I was told I should volunteer somewhere. I guess it’s better than before when she kept telling me to go to Group Therapy to make friends. It wasn’t until she actually attended a few Group meetings that she understood what I was talking about. They put everyone together in the Groups, low functioning, high functioning, Bipolar, Borderline Personality, Schizophrenic all together in the same groups. Some are not even coherent they are so medicated. It took almost 2 years to get my sister to stop with the Group thing.

I don’t know why I keep expecting a different outcome. My dad was sitting on the couch near me, I tried to talk to him and he either couldn’t hear me or was ignoring me. When I finally got his attention and started to talk he fell asleep. It’s hard not to take that personally. I start thinking everything must be true. I don’t belong here, I never did, I don’t belong anywhere. I asked my dad to tell me when he first felt butterflies in his stomach or anxiety or scared. He was having trouble answering. I said “How did you feel when you were told mom had twins?” He said ” I didn’t really care at that time it didn’t matter to me” I thought I would break. My mom didn’t know she was having twins until we came.

Then my dad said “Oh I know I felt butterflies when my Russian Tumblers were up against this other pair of Tumblers and I didn’t think they would win Best In Show”. I’m not sure why I was surprised that he would feel anxious about his birds they almost ruined his marriage, actually they pretty much did. They took his health, they’re the reason he’s on dialysis, and he spends more time with them than anyone or thing.

I really don’t think I can I spend another winter here with my dad and sister. The weather alone depresses me. I need to look for a place that’s affordable, sunny, and has museums or wildlife. I would love a pool too. But I’ll take what I can get. I just don’t think I can do it. I already feel the gloom and doom and it’s only September.


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