WHY I’M TOO HONEST

I wouldn’t want anyone to go through what I have in my 44 years on this Planet. I talk about my past and my diagnoses as honestly as I can remember in case someone reading recognizes some of these symptoms or behaviors in themselves. No one should have to wait over 20 years to receive a diagnosis. When you’ve had a mental illness that has gone undiagnosed for so long it’s almost impossible to treat.

The team of Doctors I have guess that I started showing signs as early as 10 years old. I wasn’t diagnosed as Bipolar until I was 35/36. They wonder about my earlier years because I started so early using soothing mechanisms. I would rock back and forth in my crib while standing, when I grew a little older I bounced my head on my pillow to fall asleep and bounced my head off of the car’s head rest whenever I was in the car.

I also couldn’t keep myself from bouncing one leg up and down while sitting. I always had to be doing some kind of repetitive motion to calm myself down.

The Doctors also found it odd that I had so many nosebleeds and had to have my nose cauterized 3 times. Finally they took out my adenoids and slowly the nosebleeds stopped. I started having them as a toddler and they didn’t stop until I was about 10 years old.

There are days where I want to donate myself to Science and tell them to scan my entire body and do every test available because I’m tired of living this way.

I have been leaving my sister alone. She eventually sent me a text saying she loved me. I sent her one saying I was frustrated because on good days when I don’t want to talk about mental or physical health but everyday stuff I have no one to talk to.

The response I received was that I should volunteer somewhere it would make me feel better.

Not “Why don’t we get together and talk?” or “I’ll call you and we’ll talk right now” nope I was told I should volunteer somewhere. I guess it’s better than before when she kept telling me to go to Group Therapy to make friends. It wasn’t until she actually attended a few Group meetings that she understood what I was talking about. They put everyone together in the Groups, low functioning, high functioning, Bipolar, Borderline Personality, Schizophrenic all together in the same groups. Some are not even coherent they are so medicated. It took almost 2 years to get my sister to stop with the Group thing.

I don’t know why I keep expecting a different outcome. My dad was sitting on the couch near me, I tried to talk to him and he either couldn’t hear me or was ignoring me. When I finally got his attention and started to talk he fell asleep. It’s hard not to take that personally. I start thinking everything must be true. I don’t belong here, I never did, I don’t belong anywhere. I asked my dad to tell me when he first felt butterflies in his stomach or anxiety or scared. He was having trouble answering. I said “How did you feel when you were told mom had twins?” He said ” I didn’t really care at that time it didn’t matter to me” I thought I would break. My mom didn’t know she was having twins until we came.

Then my dad said “Oh I know I felt butterflies when my Russian Tumblers were up against this other pair of Tumblers and I didn’t think they would win Best In Show”. I’m not sure why I was surprised that he would feel anxious about his birds they almost ruined his marriage, actually they pretty much did. They took his health, they’re the reason he’s on dialysis, and he spends more time with them than anyone or thing.

I really don’t think I can I spend another winter here with my dad and sister. The weather alone depresses me. I need to look for a place that’s affordable, sunny, and has museums or wildlife. I would love a pool too. But I’ll take what I can get. I just don’t think I can do it. I already feel the gloom and doom and it’s only September.

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Too Much Everything

It isn’t easy when you are too much of everything or feel too much. It is the most difficult part of Bipolar for me. What makes it worse is when you can’t say or do anything about how you feel or what you observe.

I’M TOO QUIET: At times I’m ridiculed for being quiet and shy. I listen to what’s being said around me. I suppose some people would call it eavesdropping but it was never done in a malicious way. I would simply zone out and pick up on conversations.

I’M TOO LOUD: At times I was told to take it down a notch because I would talk too loud and fast. There were people who thought it was funny when I talked loud and fast because they assumed it was due to my caffeine level. Other people became annoyed.

I’M TOO SENSITIVE: I am sensitive in every way. I admit this. I’m sensitive to how other people are feeling, the energy in a room when I enter, a person’s emotions when I’m in the same room with them, and the eyes really are the window to a person’s soul. I’m a sponge that soaks up every positive/negative energy around them while trying to deal with my own feelings.

I’M TOO EMPATHETIC: When I see a person talk about an issue important to me that’s also important to them and that person breaks down I break down. If I see someone in a home video on Instagram and I know they’re not themselves I get a sick feeling in my stomach. The hardest part is being unable to say or do anything about it. If I comment I look like a “crazy” fan or like

I want something. The fact is I worry too much.

I WORRY TOO MUCH: I worry all the time. It’s a horrible feeling. You always feel disaster is just around the corner. In my own personal life a lot of the time it has been.

I can and do see when a person is heading towards a depressive episode or they’re in a bad place. I may not always be aware of it in myself but in others I’m pretty spot on.

My twin sister doesn’t give me credit for much but for this she has been amazed at how I pick up on things. At one time she accused me of somehow reading her text messages or her husband’s. They always have their phones on them and I NEVER SEE THEM IN PERSON ENOUGH! I asked her when she thought I could’ve possibly had access to either of their phones? Her husband’s is always physically on him and I never get that close to him! lol

After it happened a few times she admitted that I was intuitive about certain issues. Which is true it does only apply to specific areas. My guess is because I deal with these things myself. I don’t always know when I’m Manic or in a dangerously deep depression. There have been times when I’ve been triggered, setting off the Conversion Disorder, that I only remember pieces of. This scares me more than anything. Being completely out of control of not only your mind but your body too is frightening. When it’s a small trigger I know I’ll stutter a bit and it will pass. When it’s a big trigger I might not be aware of, all bets are off. It’s embarrassing, shame inducing, confusing, exhausting, scary, and sometimes I don’t know the trigger.

I have “too much” areas that aren’t necessarily a negative. I’m too kind, I’m too loyal, I’m too curious, there are many more I just can’t think of them right now.

I’m not saying I’m a Prophet, Psychic, or anything similar, we all have the ability to be more aware of facial expressions, mannerisms, tone of voice, change in behavior, a person’s eyes, we just don’t tap into that part of out brains. When we don’t we miss a lot that could potentially save lives.

To Tell The Truth The Whole Truth And Nothing But… (Sensitive Material Please Be Respectful)

Because of the press conference recently given by Vice President Pence I have decided to discuss a private and deeply sensitive matter that I have gone through. I can no longer sit back and just say “I agree” with the side that represents my view. I feel a need to explain why I have the view I have. This will be difficult to write and probably difficult for some to read. I understand that but I feel it’s necessary.

As some people know I am diagnosed as Bipolar with Conversion Disorder, General Anxiety and Social Phobia. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was around 36/37 years old but had these problems from a very young age.

Many Doctors missed the correct diagnosis. I started drinking at 16/17 and was a daily drinker by 18/19. I would start to have the shakes by 5 p.m. and would go to a bar that knew me and served underage people. I couldn’t hold a glass, mug, bottle or can, so the bartender knew to put my beer in a mug with a straw and push it towards me so I could just bend my head down and sip until the shakes stopped.

When you are young with Bipolar Disorder and using alcohol to self-medicate the results can be life altering. The decisions you make while manic and drinking are decisions you would never ever normally do. The spending sprees, irrational decisions and promiscuity. The last one is complex. Part of it was alcohol, part of it was if I was manic, part of it was to prove my self worth, part of it I don’t remember if I had a choice because I blacked out.

When I was 20 and a full blown alcoholic I found out I was pregnant. I had thought of keeping it. My best friend sat down with me and talked to me honestly. I already knew on my own what she was saying. I drank daily and wasn’t sure if I could stop at that time, I wasn’t 100% sure who the father was (it was between 2 people) and neither one of them were fit to be around children, I didn’t want to be on Welfare living on my own with a baby. I had seen so many girls at that time who had children and partied every night. I didn’t want that. The thing was no one could tell how much my drinking and the father’s drinking would have an effect on the baby. My parents were against me keeping the baby right from the start.

The deck was stacked against me. In the back of my mind I always knew I was different. I just didn’t know how or why. I wanted children but only if I was in a stable relationship where a child would be loved by two parents and there would be financial stability. I couldn’t offer any of that. So I chose to terminate the pregnancy.

The experience was extremely difficult. The picketers yelling and throwing things at me were bad enough. They had also poured some type of glue in the locks of the building where Emergency Vehicles would come and go. So if something happened a woman would most likely die because they destroyed the locks. How Pro Life of you.

I won’t walk you through the procedure but it wasn’t pleasant. Leaving was worse when I still a little groggy and a man asked me if I was okay and I didn’t realize he was one of the protesters. I made the mistake of thinking he was a kind stranger. Instead he called me lovely names as I stood there and cried until my mom tore him a new asshole and we left.

Hindsight is 20/20. My life only went downhill from there. My Bipolar Disorder continued to get worse as time went on. My entire life did. Even after my diagnosis things have not gotten much better. There is no way I can think of that I could’ve made it work. My mom would’ve helped but not long after she was diagnosed with Lung Cancer. It doesn’t mean I don’t wonder about it or grieve. I went through early menopause at 39 and my chance of ever having children was taken away. Sometimes I wonder if it was a punishment. But I know, my family knows, my best friend knows, that there was no way I could’ve had a child at that time or if I would’ve stopped drinking.

There is a lot of trauma connected to the entire situation. The fact I’ll now never have children hurts. What other people don’t realize is that it’s deeper than that. At 44 I’ve never been in love, my dad has, my sister has. They don’t understand the ache and feeling of loss I have most of the time. They’ve both had families and I never will. It’s something they both take for granted and I sometimes can’t stop crying because I see the future and it’s a lonely one.

I don’t agree with using abortion as a form of birth control. I have unfortunately known people who have had several abortions. Once I can understand, more than that is a little iffy. I don’t feel that a group made up of mostly older men should have a say in anything I do with my body specifically when more than half the time the man who took part in the procreating wants nothing to do with the woman or the issue at hand when they find out.

There are many reasons women go to Planned Parenthood. The women who go there for the termination of a pregnancy do so for many reasons. Some have been abused, raped, or are too poor to have another child. Until you have been in someone else’s situation how can you judge them?

 

You’re An Asshole. Thanks For The Memories.

I remember being at a Manager’s Meeting one day and there had been a woman murdered by her husband on the news the night before. The Manager’s were discussing how there had been a history of violence with the husband but the wife continued to take him back.

There was one Manager that as I listened to him I could feel my face growing hot. I could hear blood rushing in my ears. What he was saying was so insulting, so sexist, and never should’ve been allowed at a professional meeting. But no one stopped him. His view was she must have done something wrong or liked it to stay.

None of the other Manager’s knew about my past. I wasn’t exactly eager to tell them. Most of them viewed me as quiet and meek. I rarely spoke at meetings. This one time I had enough from this 6’1, 280 pound bully. I stood up and looked him in the eye. I quietly asked “Have you ever had someone larger than you, pin you to a floor with their knees, while they repeatedly punched you in the face until you felt you were drowning in your own blood?” He said no. I said “I hope you never do.”. The conversation ended there.

He wasn’t the only one to feel that way. My own family never understood why I continued to go to J’s. They hated him and everyone who went there. Even when I stopped going there and was just at W’s house they didn’t like it and thought W was the problem.

I can’t sit here and blame everyone else 100%. I have a Mental Illness that went undiagnosed for far too long. I am the product of 2 alcoholics but no one put a gun to my head and forced me to drink. I chose to. W couldn’t have stopped me. She did try. I was going to destroy myself regardless.

I did fall into that small percentage with one person where I thought if I loved him enough, if I gave him whatever he wanted or needed, he would change. It never happens.

I need to say in all seriousness that no amount of prayer or gospel is going to heal me. It is gibberish to me. I find it insulting when I’m sent Evangelical propaganda having to do with Mental Illness, Domestic Abuse, or Child Abuse.

I don’t want to be disrespectful. Everyone has a right to their own opinion and beliefs. I just don’t want to be flooded with them.

Everyone has an opinion about abuse. I don’t want to get into that. Here is what happened in a shorter version and the consequences because of it.

I became an alcoholic at 17. I was an undiagnosed Bipolar person and also had severe social phobia and anxiety. I hated myself and had trouble in social situations. Alcohol made me numb to any pain I was feeling and I didn’t care who I talked to or what anyone thought about me. The more I drank the more I had to surround myself with people who drank like me. This brought me to places filled with mostly men who had been in and out of prison, were a lot older than me, and were not the nicest of people. The more embarrassing things that would happen to me or I would do at the place I drank the more I drank to make it go away. If someone touched me without my permission but I was too drunk to say or do anything I would think “It’s your own fault. You put yourself in that situation. Deal with it.”. I would deal with it by drinking more and sometimes showing bursts of anger myself. I would also hurt myself. I felt I belonged with them. I didn’t deserve better in life. I had felt that way from the age of 12/13. When you have felt that way for so long there is pretty much nothing that will change your mind.

When the last and I think the most violent act occurred, I finally never went back. My feelings about myself never changed. I did have a new hatred inside of me that I didn’t like.

Those years left me with not only physical scars but psychological scars that are hidden deep inside. I have memories my brain will not let me access because they would be too much for me. Instead these “traumatic” memories come out in physical ways. Stuttering, tremors, startling easily and crying. That’s everyday anyway but when my father starts to slam doors and yell “Goddamn!” it reaches a very high level. I’ve dropped things at the grocery store because of a man’s voice in the next aisle. I often leave if I hear too many deep male voices, there are also too many bright lights, and it’s a new place.

It isn’t a fun way to live. Part of me wishes I knew exactly what the cause is. Part of me is frightened to death it’s something I won’t be able to live with. What my brain plays over and over is bad enough if there’s worse I can’t imagine what it would do to me and my family.

Did You Know Essential Oils Cure Bipolar Disorder?

I like to browse Pinterest. I look at recipes, art, Bipolar information, pretty much everything. When I see numerous articles about essential oils and diets that “cure” Bipolar Disorder I get pissed off. If it was that easy so many of us wouldn’t be struggling.

Let’s discuss my good pals the FDA. They really have no control over any of this. They don’t have the manpower and there isn’t any money in it for them so the only time they get involved is if a class action lawsuit is brought against the company or someone is seriously injured or dies.

It’s the same with how they regulate generic medications. Basically they don’t. That’s why most of them do not work the same as the name brand and the companies still use gluten as a binder even though they say they don’t.

I have to pay more for name brand medications and get a note from my Dr. saying I have to get the name brand because of an allergy. My insurance still fights me tooth and nail on this. They have refused to pay for some of them and that leaves me paying out of pocket.

To mislead the public into thinking natural remedies can cure Mental Illness disgusts me. Lavender oil, Oregano oil, whatever, isn’t going to do a thing for me.

I know there is a movement against medication. That is their right. I have the right to disagree. I have researched this illness up, down, and sideways. I have tried so many medications and ECT. Believe me if I thought there was another alternative I would gladly accept it. There isn’t.

I have family members who like to go off their meds. You know where it gets them? One goes back to heroin. One hears voices and hallucinates and ultimately gets committed. It’s the same thing every time. It effects everyone around them. The one with the heroin also self harms. It is difficult for me to hear when this happens. She’s my niece and I love her. She refuses to talk to me. We have not spoken in years. I called her out on her drug use when she stole my mother’s pain pills when she was dying. Everyone said “No she wouldn’t do that”. I went into her purse and got her compact. The pills were hidden underneath the mirror. I’ve been around addicts most of my life and I’m an alcoholic. I know how the game is played. She never forgave me. Maybe I should have handled things differently but it was a stressful time. I did the best I could.

So my opinion is stay on your meds. If they are not working talk to your doctor and change them. Sometimes it takes years to find the right combination or there could be an underlying problem where you are not absorbing them. Keep asking questions. Keep trying. That’s all I can say.

I Love Doctors Like I Love Colonoscopies

Yesterday I went to see my Psychiatrist for my usual 3 month visit. I had some issues to address with him about my file and the diagnostic codes. As soon as I asked I caused a panic.

I couldn’t get a word in. Finally I got as loud as I could and said ” I just want to know what I am, what I have, what is told to the review board!”. He stopped to look at me and said ” It doesn’t really matter if you are Bipolar I or II it matters how well you function and if I think you can handle the stress of working and you can’t”. I told him it does matter because Bipolar II is still seen as Bipolar Light or Soft by Disability and even other people that have Bipolar Disorder.

His response was that I don’t fit the Bipolar I criteria because I haven’t had a manic episode that involved hospitalization due to full blown mania with hallucinations, voices, etc. I have never read that to be the criteria. Only that you have to have had at least one manic episode lasting more than 48-72 hours.

He also said it was Medicare doing the coding and that he was putting in all the info on me. I find this hard to believe when I downloaded copies of my records and it wasn’t there.

I have some decisions to make. He once again asked me how I was doing on the Brintellex when we stopped it 3 visits ago. It might be time for a change and someone with fresh eyes.

My Psychiatrist is About To Be Tested!

I have an appointment with my Psychiatrist on 11/11/15. Things are going to be different this time. I’m going to make a list of everything I need to ask him and everything he needs to do. I’ll try to get my sister to help me. lol If she answers her phone. If the things on my list are not done or addressed than I will find another Doctor.

The problem I’m having is when I look on the Medicare website where you can download your records, I see what he’s putting in my file and what he’s charging Medicare.

Medicare is over charged by 99% of doctors. There are fewer and fewer doctors taking Medicare in my State because they feel they don’t get compensated enough and it’s a pain in the ass. So the one’s that do pad the bill. I’m not going to say anything about that. If I do it will get around to other doctor’s in the system and they will not take me as a patient.

The fact that he copies and pastes every visit I DO have a problem with. This was what almost cost me my Disability. If I hadn’t had a lawyer to point it out to the judge I would’ve lost. I thought he stopped doing it. He hasn’t.

Every visit says the same thing Bipolar II.

This is wrong. I am Bipolar I, I also have Conversion Disorder, General Anxiety, Social Phobia, and someone added Catatonia which I have no idea what that is even about. None of these appear in my file.

So when I go up for review and the board looks at my file all they will see is the incorrect diagnosis of Bipolar II.

I have to figure out a way to explain this without stuttering and getting upset. I don’t want to offend him. He really isn’t a bad Doctor he just hates paperwork and the record keeping part. He’s told me so himself. But lately he’s been off his game as a Doctor also. Asking how I’m doing on a medication that I discontinued 2 visits ago and is on the screen in front of him. Or it should be. Something is different with him. If I get the same feeling on the 11th than it’s time to go.

The problem is where? We all know a good Psychiatrist is hard to find let alone one that takes your insurance.

I wish my Hematologist could be my Psychiatrist and all my other Doctors rolled into one. He’s the only one I like. The only one to encourage me to advocate for myself and learn about what I’m diagnosed with. He also encourages questions. NONE of my other doctors do that. He’s rare. Maybe he’ll adopt me.

The point is make sure your doctor is putting the correct info in your file and explains things to you. If they don’t like you asking questions then there is something wrong and try to find someone else. Good luck we need it.