YOU WANTED SOMETHING POSITIVE

I’m positive I’ve sat in a room filled with people thinking “How do they do it?”. 

I’m positive I’ve faked more smiles than given real ones.

I’m positive no one really wants to know your truth because it’s too hard.

I’m positive I’ve sat alone with my headphones on, my head in my hands, rocking back and forth, trying to drown out the painful static in my head.

I’m positive I don’t need anyone asking me “Have you tried…?” because I’m pretty sure I have.

I’m positive I’ve stood outside a crowded bar and wondered if I’ll ever be able to be my true self. Or is the drunk me actually my true self?

I’m positive I am alone in the real world.

I’m positive I am barely hanging on and question why everyday.

I’m positive more could be done for people like me but isn’t.

I’m positive I’ll be here tomorrow.

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BUCKET LIST (DIDN’T THINK I WOULD NEED ONE)

For someone who wanted to die for so many years to now feel like there isn’t enough time is strange. I haven’t done a lot of the things I’ve wanted to do. I don’t have insurance so there is no money to bury me. I don’t want my Dad to have to worry about it.

My kidney function has decreased and is one of the reasons I’m having so many problems with my medications. Scans of my brain from years ago were looked at by the team of Doctors I have now. They weren’t able to get them previously. The results were less than good. This was from 8 years ago so I have to have another scan as soon as possible. The previous one worries them because of the swelling in one area, the pressure behind my eyes, the lightning bolt in one area, the extreme loss of grey matter and some white matter. Plus the fact that I did have an infection in my brain at one time.

They were appalled that no one had done more scans. At least I felt better that I wasn’t the only one who thought it was odd.

The mental health part is worse than anything. I go from feeling okay to that 12 foot hole of darkness with a hollow ache in my chest. The feeling of complete hopelessness and that I am insignificant in this World is so overwhelming the only way to get through it is to get in the fetal position in the dark while screaming and sobbing into a towel.

BUCKET LIST

  • Work with Exotic Wildlife at a rescue or rehabilitation center.
  • Spend a day with Wolves.
  • Meet Dave Navarro so I can ask him questions about addiction, mental health, relationships, art, movies, TV, watches, eyebrows, etc.
  • Spend a full day with just my dad and my sister talking about our best memories.

That’s pretty much it. I have an estimated 8 to 10 years if I’m lucky. Somehow I don’t think any of my bucket list will happen. Right now I’m tired and my relationship with my Dad and sister isn’t great. I haven’t kept them informed about the Doctor’s insights. It wouldn’t do any good. I can try to achieve some small things when I can.

Today it’s dark and rainy so I’m not feeling great and just want to sleep. I will try not to because I don’t want to waste any time.

UNDERSTANDING THE BULLY, THE VICTIM OF BULLYING AND THE BYSTANDER.

BULLIES are made up of 50% Nature (a predisposition) and 50% Nurture (environmental influence).

BULLYING is the conscious desire to hurt another and put them under distress. This is usually done to someone a bully sees as less powerful.

50% of the population has experienced adult bullying. 60% of physical male bullies will be arrested by age 24.

BULLYING TRAITS

Over the years research has shown that bullies all seem to have similar traits. The following are some of them:

  • Dominates others
  • Uses others to get what they want
  • Unwilling to negotiate
  • Difficulty seeing others point of view
  • Concerned with only their wants/needs
  • Unwilling to accept other’s ideas
  • Will hurt others when adults aren’t around
  • Targets those they see as weaker in some way
  • Do not accept responsibility for their actions
  • Blame and false allegations are used to project their inadequacies onto their target

DOMINATE EMOTIONS OF BULLIES

  • Suspicious
  • Frustrated
  • Disgusted
  • Confident
  • Jealous
  • Insecure
  • Lonely

Bullies often feel contempt towards their targets. They also have an intolerance for anyone perceived as different/not worthy of respect and believe they should be isolated.

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TEASING AND TAUNTING

Teasing~ Is not intended to harm anyone, it’s innocent in motive and is stopped when one person involved objects or asks it to stop.

Taunting~ This is a one sided power imbalance intended to harm, humiliate, or demean another person. It increases with objections and is not innocent in motive. (All of the new texts use the wore “sinister” I really didn’t feel comfortable using that term)

PERSONALITY CHARACTERISTICS OF BULLYING VICTIMS

  • Quiet and shy
  • Have difficulty relating
  • Not assertive
  • Lack friends or social support
  • Low self-esteem
  • Their social behaviors are found odd or irritating by others

PSYCHOSOCIAL EFFECTS ON BULLYING VICTIMS

  • Fear
  • Anxiety
  • Low self-esteem
  • Insecurity
  • Isolation
  • Avoidance of school and social events
  • Emotional Impairment
  • Social Impairment

SIGNS OF A BULLIED CHILD

  • Increase in fighting
  • Avoiding lunch or recess areas
  • Attendance problems
  • Suspicious bruises
  • Taking different routes to walk home
  • Mood swings
  • Sudden or ongoing illness
  • Problems with concentration
  • Argumentative

EFFECTS OF BYSTANDERS ON THE BULLY

If a bystanders does nothing it amplifies the effects of the situation by increasing the humiliation and social effects. It also encourages the behavior to continue because there is no accountability. When a bystander acts on behalf of the person being bullied it decreases the effect of the incident immensely.

Depending on where you live, the school system and social status, bystander intervention is viewed in different ways. I’ve witnessed adults do nothing while a child was being physically hurt by a much larger child. When I intervened I was told that it “wasn’t my place and I didn’t know how things worked”. The third time I intervened in a bullying incident it was “suggested” that I not come back to the school’s playground.

Every parent there was more worried about fitting in with the “PTA” group than the well being of their children. When my sister told me of a recent event where her child was surrounded by 20 kids calling him a “Killer” and one adult poking her finger at him and saying he “You monster! You killed the butterfly!” I was livid. When I realized that my sister didn’t run to her child and protect him with all she had I was disgusted.

Our mother would’ve been there in a second and that woman would never point a finger again. My mom protected her children when we told her something was wrong. I kept a lot from her because she took on everyone’s problems.

If you see bullying say or do something. It causes a lifetime of problems. I’m proof of that. I believed everything that was said to me after awhile. How can you not when it’s said so much? You just give in and accept it when it starts at a young age and never stops. Maybe I’m weak, I don’t know. I do know that at some point during my drinking I became a bully for awhile. It didn’t make me feel any better. 29eca8a91a94e4c7d29ccb246e469e5f

 

I WOULD LIKE TO THANK THE GOVERNMENT FOR ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

Today I have received four phone calls informing me that my Social Security Number is once again suspended. If you read my previous post you know this has happened before and I reported it to three different agencies. The man threatened to send prostitutes to my house using my name online, open false bank accounts and buy weapons, and open credit cards. I admit I didn’t take it well when he got to the weapons part. I informed him he wouldn’t get far buying weapons with my Social Security number because I’m Mentally Ill and have bad credit. What I do have is a certificate in crazy and a brother who works in the Government and would be happy to track his ass down in India so I can visit. I also have a close friend who lived with a specific religious sect that would gladly help also. I admit I felt threatened and backed into a corner.

When I feel like this I either lash out or crawl so far into myself it takes days or weeks to come out. This time I lashed out.

Needless to say the Government did nothing. I’m not really surprised. I gave them the phone number, the names used, everything that was said and they didn’t ask for any of it!

So now I start getting the phone calls again only this time I just don’t care. I feel kind of done. I’m tired of being yelled at or ignored. I’m tired of apologizing for my existence, what I’ve said, didn’t say, what I’ve done or didn’t do. It’s constant, this need to say “I’m sorry” all the time.

It makes me feel weak and pathetic. Feelings I dislike immensely.

Everything has an effect on me, from movies, TV, music, social media, small conversations and other people’s moods. I literally jump when my Dad enters the room and says my name now. I can feel his anxiety and irritability like a fog around me. I start to feel the same and it never ends well.

I’m practically begging people to talk to me or like me. When I was drinking I could’ve cared less who liked me for many years. Now I feel loneliness like a thousand paper cuts healed and done again the next day.

MISINTERPRETATIONS, DISTORTION, DEPENDENT PERSONALITY AND EXPRESSED EMOTION

I do have a habit of overthinking many comments and conversations. This always leads to trouble. I also will ask a question I already know the answer to just to try to fit in and engage in conversation. Recently this backfired on me and I lost my temper.

I should’ve known I would get negative responses I was on Twitter. They were having a hashtag ask a question day and I asked about cutting my dog’s nails because he panics so much I was afraid he would hurt himself.

This set off a firestorm of people telling me that I was “torturing my poor animal” and other similar not as nice things. At first I was going to let it go but then on organization kept sending me Tweets saying “STOP HURTING YOUR ANIMALS!” and I lost it.

I know how to cut his nails and that he has to be sedated. I also know the correct medications and dosages for every size dog. I know how to do CPR on animals and have done so on several dogs. I have used a tiny hypodermic needle to inoculate up to 200 birds from disease. The injection has to go into a specific area or they bleed too much and won’t be inoculated. I helped hand raise Endangered Bird Species feeding them with an eye dropper every half hour so they could later go to a special program at the Bronx Zoo. But I played dumb because I have no one to talk to, it was a bad day and I wasn’t thinking clearly.

On Instagram I commented on something where I thought the person was making fun of someone for stuttering. They were not and I completely misread the entire situation and became defensive. Now I feel embarrassment and shame. Two feelings I hate to feel the most.

I need more help than the Professionals in R.I., MA, and CT have been able to give me. When they have all decided there is nothing left to be done I’m not sure how long I can live with that. How long could you live with knowing the people you love can’t be around you? How long could you go on with nothing but your own voice to listen to, no human contact for many years, nothing to look forward to, no purpose?

I had to leave the house the other day for food. Unfortunately someone from High School recognized me. First Question: “How are you, are you married?” Second Question: “Do you have any kids?” Third Question: “What are you doing for work, where do you live?” yes they were jumbled in like that. How can you tell someone that you’ve never even been on an actual date or been alone with a man in 9 years? How do you tell them that for some unknown reason you stopped getting your period at 36 and will never have children? How do you tell them that you don’t work because you have several mental illnesses but please don’t be afraid? And the last on, I never left home and I still live with my Dad.

I went home and went to bed. Sometimes it’s too much.

DISTORTION: Altering perception of upsetting reality to be more acceptable.

DEPENDENT PERSONALITY DISORDER: Helplessness, excessive need to be taken care of, submissive and clingy behavior, difficulty in making decisions.

EXPRESSED EMOTION: Hostility, criticism demonstrated by some families toward a family member with a Psychological Disorder.30194987565ee667cf813de17cc6c667      Most of the time I find things like this that explain what I feel or want to say better than I can.

TALKING TO MYSELF

I hate repeating myself. I have a hard enough time getting a complete sentence out as it is. When I have to repeat myself three or four times it isn’t only difficult in a cognitive way but thoughts of unworthiness start creeping into my head. Of course this will snow ball to the point where I’m convinced the people left in my life are tired of dealing with me so they pretend I’m not here. I’m invisible so I talk to myself. Sometimes I forget I’m in public when I do it. It isn’t often I’m in public, only 2 to 3 times a month but it’s still embarrassing.

I felt okay yesterday and this morning but now I’m overwhelmed by sadness. I miss my Mom. I miss her hugs, I rarely get hugs since she passed away. I miss watching her graceful hands as she did jewelry, knit, cooked, or held my hand. I miss how she would tell my Dad off and he would listen. He’s angry all the time now so I walk on eggshells all the time. It’s more like landmines. He’s always been intimidating.

Knowing how people see and think of you is the hardest part. One of the biggest problems is the misconception that the labels that have been put on me equate me with a lower IQ. It’s the exact opposite. I’m too observant, intuitive, I love to research and learn about specific subjects, I pick up on social queues, I just keep it to myself.

I know my sister doesn’t want to be around me. My Dad feels guilty and like he’s stuck with me. I used to get 10-20 phone calls a day from different people to see what I was doing. In the last 9 years I’ve had about 10 total calls from my 1 best friend to check if I’m still alive.

I might be alive but this isn’t living.

I can’t motivate myself to get out the door. The last time I did it was because I was going to a concert out of state and had backstage passes. Stuff like that doesn’t happen anymore. I thought of going to Salem, MA because I used to love it there but I would rather go to New Orleans. I’m not sure how safe a trip there would be for me.

So today I’m kind of stuck in the middle of nowhere.

TAKE IT OUT ON ME

I suppose many people still blame me for the things I’ve done in the past and for the views I have now.

I am stubborn about specific topics like Religion and 12 Step Programs. This is most likely due to personal experiences that I can’t get past. It’s also partly because of the extensive research I’ve done. I try not to blindly judge without looking at all sides. There are times when I fail and I’ll be the first to admit it.

I honestly believe that we wouldn’t be losing so many people to addiction and suicide if there was more of a correlation between the Mental Health Community and Alcohol-Addiction treatment. 

I don’t remember anyone asking me WHY I first started drinking or what feelings I was trying to avoid. Was I afraid at the time or did I feel like I didn’t belong anywhere?

All of these questions would’ve been important clues. No one drinks a case of beer because they like the taste, especially not if it’s Black Label Kingers. 

But what do I know? I only spent over 20 years in Hell and now have over 9 years of sobriety without a program but with a DIAGNOSIS which helped more than anything else did.