USELESS

Everyone says to reach out when you’re feeling like the depression is getting to be too much. What if you reach out to 5 different people and get nothing but silence in return?

You feel useless and humiliated. I know I can be difficult to be around I over compensate by talking about movies and current events so I don’t talk about myself. Then I get in trouble because I didn’t ask the other person any questions about how they are doing.

I can’t keep all the social norms straight, keep my mask from slipping. It’s hard work.

I talked to Disability recently to see if I was up for Review and the woman laughed. She said “No Doctor will ever clear you to work again with your recent diagnoses”. THANKS! I didn’t think it was amusing I just felt even more useless.

Now our lovely President is all over the TV spewing on and on about Mental Health while my neighbors are probably forming a watch to make sure I don’t have any weapons to hurt them and their loved ones. I live in a small town, a police officer lives a few streets over, he likes to tell everyone my business.

When I had to call 911 for my Dad because he was bleeding out on the bathroom floor the EMT was worried about me because I was shaking and stuttering. The police officer who lives near me HAD to be there. He said “Don’t worry about her, she’s just crazy”. I wanted to show him just how crazy I can be by punching him in the face with his own nightstick but I didn’t think it would go over so well.

Yes, I have had run ins with the law in the past when I was drinking. I was never disrespectful. My mother said it makes you look guilty if you run or act like a jerk. There were times where they deserved to be disrespected but I kept it all to myself. Even when two officers made me sleep in a cell with just a silk see through tank top and my underwear on. They also put the AC on high so I would freeze. It was common knowledge that they did this to many women. At the time I thought I deserved it.

I think I deserve many things but not to be treated like a non-human.

I’m cranky, sad, lonely, tired, bored, I just don’t know anymore. I have no motivation. I stay in my pajamas all the time. I don’t brush my hair or teeth for that matter. I just don’t care. No one else does either. I’m beginning to not care that no one cares. I want to swear at everyone too. Not like me at all.

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WHEN I CAN’T SAY IT MYSELF

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This is how it should be but often times it isn’t. It’s one of the most painful things to reach out to the people who love you only to be ignored. I called 5 people yesterday because I knew something wasn’t right. I felt dizzy and was having trouble remembering words. When I did try to talk it was nonsense and stuttering. My thoughts jumped all over the place and at one point I think I was talking to my Mom.

Not one of those 5 people called me back. One of them of course was my twin sister. I am tired. It’s the same thing every single day. There is no happiness. I can’t even fake it anymore. This just angers the people around me.


DIAGNOSES~ MAKING PUZZLE PIECES FIT

Time has always been fuzzy for me. I’m never really sure when I was first diagnosed as having Bipolar Disorder or the exact date I stopped drinking. I do know my Mom passed away in 2008 and after that I spiraled faster and faster towards self-destruction.

It didn’t take long before I had a DUI, my one best friend feared for my safety, and although I’d done worse this was different.

In less than 6 months my Primary Care Doctor suggested I see a Psychiatrist. She had been prescribing me antidepressants but thought something else was going on.

I was drinking almost the entire time I was taking antidepressants. I gave them a month and when nothing changed I couldn’t handle it. Alcohol was mostly a stimulant for me.

The Psychiatrist looked at my file and asked me a few questions. He diagnosed me as Bipolar I and we started trying different combos.

WHAT SHOULD’VE BEEN DONE

  • I was never given a Mental Status Exam.
  • I was never given a Neurologic Exam.
  • I was never given a CT, MRI, or EEG.
  • A full family history was never taken.

The biggest thing that should’ve been done is a family history.

I would always tell every Doctor I met with that my family has a history of mental illness. None of them wanted details.

Even the psychiatrist I have now has never asked for a detailed family history. He should have. It’s possible he has a few things wrong.

MY FAMILY HISTORY

I love most of my family very much but some of them I could do without. I don’t know my father’s side very well. They’re like him, not sociable or outgoing. They don’t show emotions or give hugs.

My Mom’s side is the opposite. They’re loud, affectionate, emotional, and all have some kind of issue.

There were 8 children total on my Mom’s side, one was given up for adoption before the others were born.

My Grandmother was never diagnosed with anything but I can give examples of behavior that point to something. She did drink occasionally. When she did she was like a sailor, playing cards and knife games. She could be cruel, deliberately pitting one child against another for her affection. She left them for awhile when they were all very young. My Mom quit school very early to help take care of her brothers and sisters.

Like many mothers, her sons were her favorites unless they were damaged. My Uncle Jimmy was in a car accident which left him in a coma for a short time. When he woke up he was different. It didn’t help that some friends slipped LSD into his drink in too large of a quantity. He became a different person and was left for the State to deal with. Drug induced Schizophrenia that became worse over the years with hallucinations. He was homeless and used Heroin to self medicate. He passed away from complications of pneumonia AIDS related.

My Aunt D was diagnosed as Paranoid Schizophrenic at a young age also. She had just had a baby. She left the baby with my Mom and was Institutionalized. She has been in and out of places for as long as I can remember. She was recently in the Hospital for Lithium toxicity. Her daughter disappeared a few years ago. She started hearing things and believing people were following her. She was living in a tent in the woods somewhere in Florida. No one has heard from her in 3 years.

My Uncle B is an alcoholic and as far as I know that’s it. His daughter has recently had problems with her mental health. I haven’t been told what the diagnosis is. I was told some of the situations she had been in and they sounded familiar. His son is an alcoholic.

My Auntie J is an alcoholic in remission for a few years now. I’m sure there are other things going on but I don’t ask. Her daughters have both had issues with alcohol.

My Mom had a virus while pregnant with my sister and I, women infected with the influenza virus during their pregnancy are more likely to give birth to children who will develop Schizophrenia.

My older brother is an alcoholic and addicted to gambling. I’m told he was polite and quiet as a child. I remember him always getting into fights at school and eventually he was expelled. He’s done many things that rational people don’t do. He was stationed in Germany while in the Army and decided one day he hated it and hopped on a plane and came home. He caused a 2 hour car chase in the middle of the night going the wrong way on a highway. He was married with children at this point. He’s impulsive, too smart, can’t hold a job and it’s never his fault. Both of his daughters are drug addicts. One has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and PTSD. The other I don’t know about because no one talks to me about her. 

The brains of Schizophrenics also contain larger fluid filled areas than other people. I happen to have this in one area of my brain.

There’s also the problem of reduced brain volume (Gray Matter) which on my last scan 10 years ago it said “significant loss of gray matter for patient’s age”. There was also loss of white matter which is connected also.

SCHIZOAFFECTIVE DISORDER

Schizoaffective Disorder is a hybrid of Schizophrenia and Bipolar Disorder. There is a chemical imbalance in the brain. There are usually different types of the disorder.

Similar to Bipolar Disorder, Schizoaffective Disorder can have a Manic Type and a Depressive Type.

Manic Type: Elevation of mood, not sleeping much, concentration is affected, talking too fast, unrealistic ideas. In later stages speech can be incomprehensible. You become irritable and neglect your health.

Depressive Type: Sad all the time, lose interest in what you once loved, loss of motivation/energy, taking care of your personal appearance or hygiene. Irrational anger or fearful response to loved ones. Increasing withdrawal from society.

There is a third type mentioned where you have both. It’s considered Bipolar Schizoaffective Disorder. This doesn’t make sense to me but what do I know?

For some reason more women than men are affected and with women it’s usually the Depressive Type.

Early onset or having a family member with Schizophrenia usually leads to a poor prognosis.

Now I wonder if Doctors have it wrong once again. Looking at my history and seeing that Schizophrenia shows up often and I had a virus in my brain while my mother was still pregnant with me, it would make more sense. I don’t think I’ve heard voices. I have had a hallucination or two brought on by medications, alcohol and I think nearly dying when my kidneys failed. Do those count?

What I know is that I’m not getting better. I’m going backwards. I was better a few years ago.

Now, I don’t leave the house, no one talks to me, I’m isolated, I do get crazy ideas but it’s ok because I’m too afraid to act on them. I want to get dressed up and go to a concert but I can’t. I want to fly to Vegas, L.A., N.Y., but I can’t. It would mean leaving the house. Expending energy to pack and do my hair and make up. Judas Priest is coming to the Casino and I usually go. I’ve never been as a thin person. I could wear whatever I want. Even that isn’t enough to get me going. The lead singer for Buckcherry is coming to Providence and I love him. He’s a mash up of Denis Leary and Steven Tyler. It’s a small place and the tickets would be free. Guess what? I don’t feel like it.

RIDICULOUS!schizophrenia-5-638


WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS OF ADDICTION

No one wants to be an addict or an alcoholic. There’s always an underlying reason for the choice we make to keep using or drinking. I had several reasons. They are in no way excuses but explanations.

Lately there have been an overwhelming amount of people coming forward to tell their stories of sexual harassment, assault, rape, and physical abuse by people that are either famous or somewhat known. This is a good start.

There’s an element to one of these cases that isn’t discussed.

The fact that the two people involved were addicts in a relationship.

I’m not condoning anything or taking sides. I want that understood.

What I am saying is based on my own experience.

When I was drunk I was aggressive at times and I would start fights with men. Mostly because I knew they didn’t find me attractive. This wasn’t their fault it was my extremely low self esteem and possibly my undiagnosed Bipolar Disorder.

Your average woman doesn’t punch a guy in the face because he refuses her advances.

I also think I had sex with men that were too drunk to consent. This is hard to admit but I know I did this once. The person was someone I was close to and it ruined our friendship for awhile then worse things happened and we were close again.

I’ve been beaten badly while drunk. I’ve had sex during a blackout on several occasions so that would be I guess without my consent.

The person I have hated for years who did the most damage is an alcoholic/drug user who I drank with daily. I never wanted to forgive him.

The problem is I was just as bad as he was. The only difference is I stopped drinking over 9 years ago. I admitted the damage I had done to other people and myself. He still thinks he did nothing wrong. He thinks this way because he still drinks.

Drinking and drug abuse stunts you emotionally and your maturity. You don’t grow up when you’re using or drinking. You stay the same age you were when you started. If you started at 16 then you have a 16 year old boy’s mentality. I’m not making this up.

I never grew up. There were so many “adult” things I didn’t know how to do when I stopped drinking. I never had to do them.

When two addicts/alcoholics are in a relationship I can tell you from experience horrible things are going to be said and done. At the time you don’t think it’s that bad. It’s only years later when you’ve stopped using and have some clarity that you realize how wrong everything was.

I’m still working on forgiveness and I’m sure there are a few people who can’t forgive me. Not the people I drank with because they all still drink or they’re dead but my family.

I do understand the places alcohol took me. Physically and emotionally. These are places I never want to visit again. I have to accept my part in the things that went on then. I’ve made my amends to those I needed to but all of it still haunts me.

I know this because I have “drunk dreams” once in awhile to remind me. I hate those nights but they serve a purpose.

I hope I’m making sense and not offending people.6-addiction-emotions-3


TOP 50 HORROR MOVIES 19-15

The count continues with a film I could talk about for hours.

  • 19) Bram Stoker’s Dracula~ 1992 Director: Francis Ford Coppola Cast: Gary Oldman Keanu Reeves~ Despite some of the acting by specific actors the opening scene more than makes up for it. Filled with love, grief and fury it shows the reasoning behind Dracula’s transformation, his renouncement of God. Tom Waits as Renfield is genius.
  • 18) You’re Next~ 2011 A somewhat more original story that was needed at the time. A woman goes with her boyfriend to his parent’s wedding anniversary at their vacation home. Strangers attack the home but as guests die the girlfriend starts to piece it together. No one knew her background and they’re in for a surprise.
  • 17) Frailty~ 2001 Director: Bill Paxton Cast: Bill Paxton Matthew McConaughey~ I love this movie because you’re not sure if the religiously fanatic father is losing his mind and mistreating his children or if there’s any truth to what he believes. In the end you find out for sure. Rare for a film.
  • 16) The Devil’s Backbone~ 2001 Guillermo del Toro~ It’s easy to over think a film and with this one many have. Some believe the film to be a metaphor for the rise of Fascism in Spain. I saw an orphaned boy, traumatized and uncomfortable in his own skin in an orphanage haunted by a boy who died there previously. Guillermo always does haunting, beautiful films that I usually find myself shedding at least one tear at.
  • 15) The Thing~ 1982 Director: John Carpenter Cast: Kurt Russell~ A research station in Antarctica goes to check on a nearby station where they find all of them missing or dead. They do find the remains of something the station tried to destroy. I’m not a fan of Sci-Fi Horror but I love this one. It has a lot of jump factors and the tension between the characters as they begin to distrust one another keeps you watching.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


THE BIGGER PICTURE~ ADDICTION

Is addiction a problem? Yes, it is. But the bigger problem being ignored is why are people turning to drugs and alcohol?

Rebecca Farley David Vice President for policy and advocacy at the National Council for Behavioral Health says more than half of people with Substance Abuse disorders also suffer from depression, anxiety, or another mental illness. Treatment should address both issues.

Rarely does this happen. I know firsthand that this rarely happens. Because of this I went undiagnosed for 27 years. No one should have to wait that long for help or be treated like they don’t matter.

The top leading causes of Death in the U.S. as of May 5, 2017 were the following:

  • Heart Disease- 616,067
  • Cancer- 562,875
  • Stroke- 135,952
  • Chronic Lower Respiratory Disease- 127,924
  • Accident- 123,706
  • Alzheimer’s- 74,632
  • Influenza or Pneumonia- 52,717
  • Kidney Disease- 46,448
  • Suicide- 44,193

What’s missing from this list?

Drug overdoses.

We have a bigger Mental Health problem that leads to self-medicating and addiction. This is what needs to be addressed.

I’ve attempted suicide several times, I’m an alcoholic in remission for over 9 years, I have Bipolar Disorder, Conversion Disorder and Social Phobia. I also have Kidney Disease. All of this is scary but it makes me realize I have to try harder to live life.

2016-02-05 18_52_26-FastStats - Leading Causes of Death

This is last years list I couldn’t find an image to download of the May 2017 list.


DARKENED ROOM

I find myself going to my room earlier each day. I sit in my dimly lit bathroom, smoking cigarettes and watching TV and movies. There’s an exhaust fan in the ceiling that sucks the smoke out. I don’t smoke during the day or if I go away. When I went to Salem and the other Hotel for 4 days I didn’t smoke at all. Whenever I visit my Aunt in Florida I don’t feel the need to smoke. Only when I’m home.

I already know it’s unhealthy, my mom passed away from complications from Lung Cancer. I’ve seen what it does and horrible it is. I’ve given up drinking, sex, socializing, most food, and my health isn’t looking promising anyway.

I feel relaxed and almost happy when I make it to my room. I don’t have to hear my Dad growling “GODDAMN, GODDAMN!” while I start to sweat and feel sick. Yesterday he knocked over the kitchen utensil holder. Instead of picking everything up he decided to start smashing dishes everywhere. I was frozen in my chair in the living room with tears rolling down my face.

It’s a horrible feeling not being able to move when all you want to do is run. When he came in to where I was he became angrier that I was crying. When I was able to move I went to my room.

I’m having trouble finishing anything I start. Jewelry, coloring, my horror list, posts, research, finding a doctor etc.

Hopefully things will change soon. It usually does eventually. I just never know when. It could be weeks, months, or days.

I don’t think having a fever is helping or that my tongue is kind of green and white. I know how to fix that but it might be too late. The virus may have gone to my stomach or other organs. I hate doctors. I hate finding new doctors just to get antibiotics I’m really not supposed to take because I take too many at the highest dose as it is because of my Kidney Stents. At some point they will stop working.

Okay, I’m going to try to be nice to my dad and go to my room.


TOO MUCH THERAPY CAN RUIN RELATIONSHIPS

Therapy is beneficial to many people in many ways. When it isn’t beneficial is when it’s used to justify hurtful things you say to people.

My twin sister has a habit of doing this often.

She has told me recently that my Dad never really wanted to spend the time with me that he did, he felt he had to because he was afraid I would hurt myself or drink. She also said he never liked the movies or TV shows that I forced him to watch.

I felt sick, sad, guilty, angry, lost, and alone. Most of this is probably true. Which leaves me feeling how I used to years ago. Worthless and unwanted.

Physically something is going on that I don’t really want to deal with. I’m tired of all of it.

I don’t want to be growled at anymore for speaking. I don’t want to repeat myself 5 times when I have trouble talking. I don’t want to beg people to talk to me or like me, it hurts too much.

I need my stents changed but I’m afraid I won’t come out of the anesthesia. I’m worse than I’ve ever been and the doctors have already been concerned about this happening.

The reason anesthesia is a safe place for me is because it’s the same each time. It’s a sunny, happy place with loved ones I can’t be with.

I tired of feeling this way but it’s difficult when the physical is connected to the mental and vice versa. I keep going but it isn’t living.

I have to say I enjoy when my brother in law comes home from therapy and says “My therapist told me…..” and will be the opposite of what my sister believes or wants him to do. She get’s so pissed she actually calls me directly to complain.

Family, what can you do?


TOP 50 HORRO FILMS~ #29-20

Stating off this portion of the count is a film I watched recently.

  • 29) Let Us Prey~ 2014 Cast: Liam Cunningham~ A cop assigned to new station in a small town where a few locals and one stranger all end up at the station where secrets are revealed and punishment may or may not fit the crime.
  • 28) The Omen~ 1976 An American ambassador questions if he’s raising the Antichrist. The best of the “Evil Child” or “Bad Seed” movies ever made where you never forget the name Damien.
  • 27) Friday the 13th~ 1980 Camp Counselors are murdered one by one at camp where a child’s death was the fault of camp counselors years before.
  • 26) Brawl in Cell Block 99~ 2017 Cast: Vince Vaughn Don Johnson~ I haven’t Vince Vaughn this good in a long time. He owned this part where the tension and violence builds as the film goes on. Vaughn’s physical appearance was even surprising. His arms were like two swinging sledgehammers destroying everything in his path. There’s also an underlying message about privatized prisons that’s hard to ignore.
  • 25) Near Dark~ 1987 Director: Kathryn Bigelow Cast: Bill Paxton Lance Henriksen~ The fact that Kathryn Bigelow directed this film is reason enough to watch it. The actors are good but the plot is a little spotty. For some reason this film stays with me so there has to be something there.
  • 24) Nightbreed~ 1990 Director: Clive Barker Cast: Craig Sheffer David Cronenberg~ It’s rare that the autor of a novel can write the screenplay and direct the movie successfully. But we are talking about Clive Barker who makes you wish a place like Midian actually existed.
  • 23) The Amityville Horror~ 1979 Cast: James Brolin Margot Kidder~ When you have anything even loosely based on a true story it’s a little more disturbing for me. If you aware of what happened in the house originally it makes you yell at the screen and ask “Why the Hell don’t you LEAVE?!”
  • 22) The Bad Batch~ 2016 Director: Ana Lily Amirpour Cast: Jason Momoa Keanu Reeves Suki Waterhouse~ People considered “undesirable” or “bad” in society are exiled to a Texas wasteland. One young woman is dropped off in the middle of this wasteland to fend for herself and decide what really defines a person as “bad”?
  • 21) The Strangers~ 2008 Cast: Liv Tyler Scott Speedman~ What makes this movie terrifying is the possible reality of  it. A couple at an isolated vacation home have the home invaded by a group of masked strangers. The worse part is they do it because they’re bored and they can. A group of teenagers with no empathy or remorse. The story supposedly came from an event in the direcor’s childhood but a similar event happened in 1981 at the Keddie Resort. There’s also a French film “Them” that is based on a true story that’s almost exactly the same.
  • 20) Texas Chainsaw Massacre~ 1974 Director: Tobe Hooper~ Considered controversial at the time 5 youths on a weekend getaway in Texas run into a sadistic family one which wears a mask made of human skin. Some of this movie is taken from real events. Mostly Ed Gein.

TOP 50 HORROR MOVIES~ 39-30

I know it’s taken me awhile but it isn’t as easy as I thought it would be. lol It’s harder when you can’t make decisions. I also know that I’m doing this mostly for myself as a distraction. I think that’s okay.

  • 39) The Believers~ 1987 Director: John Schlesinger Cast: Martin Sheen Helen Shaver~ A psychiatrist discovers a satanic cult is after his son for a sacrificial ceremony. Anytime there are bugs, spiders, worms, or snacks, hatching out of a person’s face I’m watching it.
  • 38) Graveyard Shift~ 1990 Director: Ralph S. Singleton Cast: Stephen Macht Kelly Wolf~ Who doesn’t love giant rats?
  • 37) Session 9~ 2001 Director: Brad Anderson Cast: David Caruso Josh Lucas~ An asbestos removal crew are sent to work in an abandoned insane asylum. (A real asylum that was in Danvers, MA but has since been torn down) The crew’s personal baggage is complicated by tapes found from one of the patients.
  • 36) Pet Sematary~ 1989 Director: Mary Lambert Cast: Fred Gwynne~ A pet cemetery has the ability to bring the dead back to life but they’re not your same loved ones. Love the soundtrack and there are a few scenes that make you jump.
  • 35) A Nightmare On Elm Street~ 1984 Director: Wes Craven Cast: Robert Englund~ A killer with razor like fingers is haunting the dreams of a group of teenagers. Freddie has always been a scary but witty character I wish they had gone into his back story a little more in the first one.
  • 34) Brotherhood of The Wolf~ 2001 Director: Christopher Gans Cast: Vincent Cassel Mark Dacascos Monica Bellucci~ Based on the French myth the “Beast of Gevaudan” which has some truth in it a beast type animal kills over 100 people and the King of France send his envoys to investigate. Vincent Cassel is a favorite French actor of mine who plays his part well. Monica Bellucci is hypnotic as usual. The real surprise here is Mark Dacascos he steals every scene he’s in.
  • 33) The Serpent and The Rainbow~ 1988 Director: Wes Craven Cast: Bill Pullman~ A scientist travels to Haiti to research a “Voodoo drug” that renders a person into a death like state. The effect doesn’t start to diminish until after 12 to 24 hours. This is partly based on an actual powder used in ceremonies.
  • 32) Event Horizon~ 1997 Director: Paul W.S. Anderson Cast: Laurence Fishburne Sam Neill~ A 7 person rescue crew is sent to salvage a spacecraft that’s been missing for 7 years. This movie was more complex than people realized. It’s more like Hellraiser than Aliens and you probably have to watch it more than once.
  • 31) Halloween~ 1978 Director: John Carpenter Cast: Jamie Lee Curtis~ Michael Myers murdered his sister on Halloween night 1963. Fifteen years later he escapes from a mental hospital to return to his hometown to kill again. The reality of the movie is what makes it true horror.
  • 30) The Hills Have Eyes~ 1977 Director: Wes Craven~ A family is stranded in the desert in an area closed to the public. Here a group of people live that are primitive, cannibalistic, inbred, and looking for new family members. You will never forget Michael Berryman.

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