Category Archives: Family

Idly By (Part 2 of Doctors Everywhere)

I received my bill for my hospital stay yesterday. To say I was pissed off would be putting it mildly. They want me to pay $1,260 for being bullied, talked about, ignored when I needed help to the bathroom, smell other people’s excrement for hours and hours because there was no running water, and I was denied access to two of my Bipolar meds because they didn’t “have them”. My sister and friends were treated rudely when they visited and it was up to me to call and get food for myself. I was seriously ill!!! How was I supposed to remember to call down to the kitchen for food? I was medicated!!

When my mother passed away there my sister and I wanted to sue so bad but my father wouldn’t. They were all gathered around her bed drinking coffee and laughing it was a party while 1 person did CPR. My dad was too grief stricken to do anything. I understood.

This time I’m not letting it slide. I’m a human being, I was scared, it wouldn’t have killed them to be kinder, or more educated about mental health. Not to mention I was asked 2 times what Celiac Disease is by nurses. Disgusted doesn’t begin to cover it. So I called the number on the paper, told the women my grievances and told her I wouldn’t be paying. She said to send her a letter with the list and a “Committee” will decide. I’ll send the letter but their is no decision to make because I have already made it. They’ve done enough. You can’t get blood from a stone anyway. So good luck to you Kent County. I have bigger problems.

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Guilt And Fireworks

I have not celebrated a 4th of July in over 6 years. Once I quit drinking I didn’t see the point and I wasn’t receiving any invitations either. The other big problem was trust. My family no longer trusted me or believed me. Specifically my father. If I am not home before dark my father starts to worry until he’s close to vomiting and has chest pains. It has been 6 years since I have had any alcohol at all. I don’t have the want, need, or desire. The other thing is I would probably die. My kidneys are shot, alcohol is not the best idea. I also find myself uncomfortable around people who have had too much to drink. It brings back bad feelings and memories.

I was giving my sister a make over on the 4th and after I went to Walmart. I have a problem with time lately, my watch broke and I never know what time it is. Plus I’m just easily distracted. When I left the store it was dark and when I got into my car and saw that it was 9:30 p.m. I felt sick. I called my dad right away. He wasn’t happy. Even though I did nothing wrong I felt tremendous guilt. When I hung up with him I started to feel angry. I’m 42 years old. I almost died and they still don’t know what’s wrong with me. My best friend has people at her beach house every year and I have not been in over 6 years. She misses me and loves but doesn’t ask because she know how my dad is. I decided “screw it” I don’t know how many more 4th of July celebrations I have left. I decided to drop by on my way home.

When I showed up it was just her at first. She couldn’t believe what she was seeing and started crying. This is a person that DOES NOT CRY. The few times I have seen her cry it had to do with me. She was so happy to see me. I started crying which for me is nothing new. She told me not to say anything when everyone else came back up from the beach. I knew they wouldn’t recognize me and we were right. It was fun. I didn’t stay long only about 30 minutes and when people asked why I was leaving I actually said “I don’t want to get in trouble” that’s when I realized that things had to change. I didn’t drink, I didn’t hurt myself or anyone else, I laughed and had fun for the short time I was there. There was one awkward situation.

A guy that I had crush on years ago was there with his fiancé. I know her too and she’s very nice. When I first met him he was nice to me but thought of me as one of the guys or sometimes invisible. There was a Halloween where he was with his fiance, my best friend, her boyfriend and me. He wanted to take a picture and said ” Ok let’s get the 2 hot girls together for a pic”. My feelings were hurt, I felt like dirt, a blob, unattractive. So to prove a point I got wasted and tried to show how sexy and hot I was. You can imagine how that went at 250 pounds, bleach blond hair, swaying, and slurring my words. That was me, it’s what I did.

When he saw me on the 4th he didn’t know who I was until his fiance told him. He was in shock and kept saying “No way”. Then he said “My god you’re hot!”. With the fiance standing there. She walked away to talk to someone and he kept talking to himself about how I looked. It was weird. Then he wouldn’t stop staring. Finally my friend’s boyfriend made him take a ride with him because he noticed and didn’t want a scene. I was kind of flattered and kind of creeped out. I’m the same person I just lost weight and changed my hair color. Why can’t people like you for who you are?


Things That Make Me Angry

When my mother passed away several years ago relatives took it upon themselves to take pictures and other things that didn’t belong to them. It was under the assumption that we would get them back because they were doing a memorial table. I personally never saw any of it again. I guess my sister has and got some of it back. This is because she speaks up. Takes charge and tells it like it is or at least her version of how it is. It’s sad that I have to take photos of photos to have memories of my mother and even some great art my father did that she took from the house. My memory has suffered immensely. Except when it comes to things I want to forget. I can’t remember how to spell words that used to come to me so easily before. I get lost every time I leave the house and I’m using my GPS. Finding words in a conversation is embarrassing when you’re standing there and can’t think of the word “sail boat” even when you’re looking at one. I get frustrated and upset so the stuttering and shaking starts, then I’m embarrassed so tears well up in my eyes and I have to leave wherever I am. So these are photos I took. One is of my mother the other is a drawing my father did in the Navy. I’m not sure where my mom is it could be Fayettville, North Carolina where she was born.DSC00933 (2) DSC00936


No Positivity Here Today~ WALK

When I started this blog it was because I was tired of seeing other blogs filled with sunshine and rainbows. I don’t know what meds they were taking but they certainly weren’t in the same ballpark as mine. In the last 4 to 5 years, I really couldn’t give you an actual number because my memory is shot I have been on a merry go round of medications that would make your head spin. This last one is leaving me with a fight or flight feeling most of the day, I was only paralyzed one more time so far, and my skin is itchy. I want to run away, I want to get dressed up and go to the bar. I want to find everyone who was ever cruel to me and tell them off. I want off this drug.

So I am. I’m taking 10mg of expired Viibryd. My Dr. gets annoyed when a drug he’s pushing doesn’t work for me. I’m not telling him. Maybe an antidepressant wasn’t the way to go. I could feel myself leveling off right before starting the Brintellix. I mostly had the mood stabilizer and Adderall in me. People had noticed that I was talking, and looking better. Adderall doesn’t work on me like it does on other people. It controls my stutter, tremors, and for some reason I cry less. Just like coffee doesn’t make me hyper it calms me down and helps me focus. So I will experiment. I’m tired of being other people’s experiment, or test subject only to be made to feel guilty if it fails. I’m not it discussing with my sister.

When I told her about being paralyzed and having no one notice her response was typical ” Now you know how I felt when I was having my seizures”. To be clear, there was NEVER any evidence that she was having any seizures. She was monitored for 48 hours in the hospital hooked up to machines to record her brainwaves and it showed NOTHING. The doctors all said she was just under stress. Yes, stress can be bad and I’m sorry she was stressed. But it’s apples and oranges. And she knows it. It isn’t a competition to see who as it the worse. I wish she knew that.

I can’t change any of that. I can change what is going on now. I’m lonely with no social skills. I have no idea how to meet people without going to a bar and drinking. This I have to learn how to do. Alone. It scares me. I sit in the parking lot of a nice restaurant saying I’m going to go in sit by myself, have an appetizer and see what happens. What happens is I sit in the parking lot for an hour until I cry then I go home. lol  Baby steps. I also have to cut back on the negative music. Blasting Slipknot and Pantera from my speakers while driving just makes me more aggressive. As brilliant as Corey Taylor is I’m going to get in trouble some day. So hopefully I’ll figure some things out soon.


Decompressing

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This is what I do when I have a bad day or to calm down. I love cake, cookies, brownies and anything in the dessert family. It just can’t have fruit in it or gluten. So I have learned to be creative.

Jewelry I have done since I was 12 years old. I worked in a factory for many years. I used big earrings as a distraction. I thought if people were distracted by my shiny earrings they wouldn’t notice my face or the fact I was 250 pounds. I’m no longer 250 pounds but still love my sparkles. I have been know to smash my face into clear windows of jewelry stores trying to get a closer look at something pretty. Not realizing I was so close to the glass and leaving a big make-up smudge on said window. Not funny. If you are with me when this happens and you laugh I will hit you, ask my sister. Back to decompressing.


Pretending

Today I had a visit with my sister and one of my nephews. I brought her some shirts that don’t fit anymore, a Chromecast, hair color, shampoo & conditioner, and dry shampoo. And a coffee. She enjoyed all of it and said she was happy to see that I was like “my old self again”. I am almost weaned off of the Viibryd and start taking Brintellix tomorrow.

I wasn’t “my old self again”. I was the same as I always am I just brought gifts and made sure I didn’t cry in front of her and kept the conversation about things SHE was interested in only. I gave in to her wanting me to “change”. If that’s what it takes to see my nephews and have some contact with her I’ll do it for now.

I’ll put my mask on, the one that shows I’m a happy well adjusted adult with not a care in the world. I’m used to this one it fits like a glove.

The next week will be extremely difficult. Going on a new medication always is for me. Physically and emotionally. I have been thinking about the past too much lately. My mom, not talking to my best friend, what I have missed out on and what is too late to fix. I wish I could have reassured her that I loved her and all of my actions were of my own doing. There was nothing she did wrong as a mother. I wish her last words to me were not I’m sorry I f**ked up your life. It will haunt me forever. I have to remember she was heavily medicated and would never normally say anything like that.

Something positive, I have started to forgive my sister-in-law for petty things in the past. I have started talking to her more, she really doesn’t have a lot of support herself. It’s time for me to step up and be a good Aunt to those kids too. I love them and it isn’t their fault they have my brother for a father. So some good and bad. That’s life.


Mad As Hell And I Just Have To Take It

When I look back at my childhood and into my adulthood I see clearly where I allowed people to bully me. I still do sometimes. As a child there isn’t much you can do. If you tell your parents you’re a tattle-tale, if you don’t it keeps getting worse. Most children don’t tell. Most teachers are aware of it and do nothing for fear that it reflects badly on them. They can’t control their classroom. The parents see it and do nothing. Buying into the crap “boys will be boys” or “that’s just how kids play”. I personally am banned from my nephew’s playground at his school. It is like watching a version of Lord of the Flies. I tried to step in when a larger kid had a tiny kid on the ground and threw sand directly in his eyes. NO OTHER PARENT DID A THING. And they were all there! So my sister told me to take a walk. I will say that usually my sister does step in and handles it well. Almost professionally.

You can say and do what you want to me, I don’t care. My family is another matter. My beautiful, smart, kind nephew, that’s something else entirely. I can’t have children, my twin sister’s kids are like my own, they are as close as I will get. She is a great mom and my brother in law is a great dad. I don’t think either is aggressive enough when it comes to the bullying. My nephew stayed home from school today complaining of a stomach ache and his head hurting. He was also sweating a lot. He’s small for his age. Come to find out yesterday in class a bigger kid, and I mean bigger, punched him as hard as he could in the back. That’s why he didn’t want to go to school. This child has been in trouble before. So much so that he has his own aide. Where was his aide when he was punching people? I am all for integrated classrooms. Except if the child is consistently violent. Then the situation needs to be looked at again.

I loathe bullying in any way, shape, or, form. It’s right up there with lying. I would rather you punch me in the face than look me in the face and lie. As someone I used to know was fond of say “But D**a, if they believe it it’s the truth”. Typical con thinking but true.

So if you see bullying DO SOMETHING! We need to stop being so afraid of what the other parents might do or say. Afraid of rocking the boat. So what if you get a little wet you’ll dry.


Trying to Take Off My Mask With New Inspiration

I have been reading a blog recently that has really helped me. My family doesn’t agree. I knew they wouldn’t. I have to try to be strong and not beg, bribe, pretend, and do things I don’t want to just so they will accept and love me. I know they love me. But I also know that I am a burden, annoying, hurtful, and clingy. My father thinks that the Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety Disorders, Social Phobia, and Conversion Disorder is all his fault. He thinks if he had gotten help for me sooner I would be ok. I tried to explain to him that it doesn’t really work that way. The other thing is, my mother’s side of the family is the one that is saturated in mental illness. It’s no coincidence that her sister and brother are both diagnosed Paranoid Schizophrenic and my mother was never diagnosed with anything but was hospitalized twice for “breakdowns”. She would spend weeks in her bedroom, only coming out to get food. She also had a lot of episodes where she was loud, talked non-stop, danced, cleaned and laughed at everything. I would say my grandmother had some issues also. The only thing on my father’s side is some anxiety. To see him cry, a man who rarely shows emotion, kills me.

My twin sister as some of you may know is my biggest critic. She’s the one that tells me I have to change. Quite often this is said to me. I have tried to buy, bribe, and beg for her love and acceptance. I did it again yesterday. I bought her a couple of art sets and some stuff to make her some jewelry. She hasn’t returned my texts or calls in a couple of days. I shouldn’t have to do this. It’s demeaning. Why do I have to change? I haven’t hurt anyone. I haven’t gotten drunk. I haven’t hurt myself. So I cry a lot lately, there’s something going on. I have Celiac that stays active and may be going through early menopause which does effect your body and brain chemistry. Or maybe it’s something else. I don’t know.

I was seriously considering just having more ECT because I can’t take it anymore. No one wants to be around me. I told my father to “let them shock me until I remember nothing and feel nothing”. This is pretty sad on my part. I’m letting other people who want me to “change” consider doing something I swore I wouldn’t do again. But I really don’t know how much more I can take from a world that sees me as “too emotional”, “crazy”, “Unbalanced”, “violent”, “too loud”, “too quiet”, “lazy”, “annoying”, and that I’m just not trying hard enough.

When I read Taking Off The Mask’s blog about stigma I cried through the entire thing. If I only had someone to say to me “Dana there is nothing wrong with you” or to say they know how I feel. This blog made me feel so much better about everything. Until I tried to explain it to my dad. Then it went to hell. He didn’t understand what I was trying to explain. I’m pretty sure my sister wouldn’t either. So I’ll keep it to myself and remember there are good, kind, understanding people out there. You just have to find them.

I will think long and hard about the ECT. I really do not want to do it. I’d rather try the Ketamine based nasal spray but there is only 1 Dr. in R.I. that does it and it’s for pain management. I can’t have another year long Depressive episode it’s already been almost 4 months, I think that’s long enough.


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