Category Archives: Content

DARKENED ROOM

I find myself going to my room earlier each day. I sit in my dimly lit bathroom, smoking cigarettes and watching TV and movies. There’s an exhaust fan in the ceiling that sucks the smoke out. I don’t smoke during the day or if I go away. When I went to Salem and the other Hotel for 4 days I didn’t smoke at all. Whenever I visit my Aunt in Florida I don’t feel the need to smoke. Only when I’m home.

I already know it’s unhealthy, my mom passed away from complications from Lung Cancer. I’ve seen what it does and horrible it is. I’ve given up drinking, sex, socializing, most food, and my health isn’t looking promising anyway.

I feel relaxed and almost happy when I make it to my room. I don’t have to hear my Dad growling “GODDAMN, GODDAMN!” while I start to sweat and feel sick. Yesterday he knocked over the kitchen utensil holder. Instead of picking everything up he decided to start smashing dishes everywhere. I was frozen in my chair in the living room with tears rolling down my face.

It’s a horrible feeling not being able to move when all you want to do is run. When he came in to where I was he became angrier that I was crying. When I was able to move I went to my room.

I’m having trouble finishing anything I start. Jewelry, coloring, my horror list, posts, research, finding a doctor etc.

Hopefully things will change soon. It usually does eventually. I just never know when. It could be weeks, months, or days.

I don’t think having a fever is helping or that my tongue is kind of green and white. I know how to fix that but it might be too late. The virus may have gone to my stomach or other organs. I hate doctors. I hate finding new doctors just to get antibiotics I’m really not supposed to take because I take too many at the highest dose as it is because of my Kidney Stents. At some point they will stop working.

Okay, I’m going to try to be nice to my dad and go to my room.

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TOO MUCH THERAPY CAN RUIN RELATIONSHIPS

Therapy is beneficial to many people in many ways. When it isn’t beneficial is when it’s used to justify hurtful things you say to people.

My twin sister has a habit of doing this often.

She has told me recently that my Dad never really wanted to spend the time with me that he did, he felt he had to because he was afraid I would hurt myself or drink. She also said he never liked the movies or TV shows that I forced him to watch.

I felt sick, sad, guilty, angry, lost, and alone. Most of this is probably true. Which leaves me feeling how I used to years ago. Worthless and unwanted.

Physically something is going on that I don’t really want to deal with. I’m tired of all of it.

I don’t want to be growled at anymore for speaking. I don’t want to repeat myself 5 times when I have trouble talking. I don’t want to beg people to talk to me or like me, it hurts too much.

I need my stents changed but I’m afraid I won’t come out of the anesthesia. I’m worse than I’ve ever been and the doctors have already been concerned about this happening.

The reason anesthesia is a safe place for me is because it’s the same each time. It’s a sunny, happy place with loved ones I can’t be with.

I tired of feeling this way but it’s difficult when the physical is connected to the mental and vice versa. I keep going but it isn’t living.

I have to say I enjoy when my brother in law comes home from therapy and says “My therapist told me…..” and will be the opposite of what my sister believes or wants him to do. She get’s so pissed she actually calls me directly to complain.

Family, what can you do?


TOP 50 HORRO FILMS~ #29-20

Stating off this portion of the count is a film I watched recently.

  • 29) Let Us Prey~ 2014 Cast: Liam Cunningham~ A cop assigned to new station in a small town where a few locals and one stranger all end up at the station where secrets are revealed and punishment may or may not fit the crime.
  • 28) The Omen~ 1976 An American ambassador questions if he’s raising the Antichrist. The best of the “Evil Child” or “Bad Seed” movies ever made where you never forget the name Damien.
  • 27) Friday the 13th~ 1980 Camp Counselors are murdered one by one at camp where a child’s death was the fault of camp counselors years before.
  • 26) Brawl in Cell Block 99~ 2017 Cast: Vince Vaughn Don Johnson~ I haven’t Vince Vaughn this good in a long time. He owned this part where the tension and violence builds as the film goes on. Vaughn’s physical appearance was even surprising. His arms were like two swinging sledgehammers destroying everything in his path. There’s also an underlying message about privatized prisons that’s hard to ignore.
  • 25) Near Dark~ 1987 Director: Kathryn Bigelow Cast: Bill Paxton Lance Henriksen~ The fact that Kathryn Bigelow directed this film is reason enough to watch it. The actors are good but the plot is a little spotty. For some reason this film stays with me so there has to be something there.
  • 24) Nightbreed~ 1990 Director: Clive Barker Cast: Craig Sheffer David Cronenberg~ It’s rare that the autor of a novel can write the screenplay and direct the movie successfully. But we are talking about Clive Barker who makes you wish a place like Midian actually existed.
  • 23) The Amityville Horror~ 1979 Cast: James Brolin Margot Kidder~ When you have anything even loosely based on a true story it’s a little more disturbing for me. If you aware of what happened in the house originally it makes you yell at the screen and ask “Why the Hell don’t you LEAVE?!”
  • 22) The Bad Batch~ 2016 Director: Ana Lily Amirpour Cast: Jason Momoa Keanu Reeves Suki Waterhouse~ People considered “undesirable” or “bad” in society are exiled to a Texas wasteland. One young woman is dropped off in the middle of this wasteland to fend for herself and decide what really defines a person as “bad”?
  • 21) The Strangers~ 2008 Cast: Liv Tyler Scott Speedman~ What makes this movie terrifying is the possible reality of  it. A couple at an isolated vacation home have the home invaded by a group of masked strangers. The worse part is they do it because they’re bored and they can. A group of teenagers with no empathy or remorse. The story supposedly came from an event in the direcor’s childhood but a similar event happened in 1981 at the Keddie Resort. There’s also a French film “Them” that is based on a true story that’s almost exactly the same.
  • 20) Texas Chainsaw Massacre~ 1974 Director: Tobe Hooper~ Considered controversial at the time 5 youths on a weekend getaway in Texas run into a sadistic family one which wears a mask made of human skin. Some of this movie is taken from real events. Mostly Ed Gein.

TOP 50 HORROR MOVIES~ 39-30

I know it’s taken me awhile but it isn’t as easy as I thought it would be. lol It’s harder when you can’t make decisions. I also know that I’m doing this mostly for myself as a distraction. I think that’s okay.

  • 39) The Believers~ 1987 Director: John Schlesinger Cast: Martin Sheen Helen Shaver~ A psychiatrist discovers a satanic cult is after his son for a sacrificial ceremony. Anytime there are bugs, spiders, worms, or snacks, hatching out of a person’s face I’m watching it.
  • 38) Graveyard Shift~ 1990 Director: Ralph S. Singleton Cast: Stephen Macht Kelly Wolf~ Who doesn’t love giant rats?
  • 37) Session 9~ 2001 Director: Brad Anderson Cast: David Caruso Josh Lucas~ An asbestos removal crew are sent to work in an abandoned insane asylum. (A real asylum that was in Danvers, MA but has since been torn down) The crew’s personal baggage is complicated by tapes found from one of the patients.
  • 36) Pet Sematary~ 1989 Director: Mary Lambert Cast: Fred Gwynne~ A pet cemetery has the ability to bring the dead back to life but they’re not your same loved ones. Love the soundtrack and there are a few scenes that make you jump.
  • 35) A Nightmare On Elm Street~ 1984 Director: Wes Craven Cast: Robert Englund~ A killer with razor like fingers is haunting the dreams of a group of teenagers. Freddie has always been a scary but witty character I wish they had gone into his back story a little more in the first one.
  • 34) Brotherhood of The Wolf~ 2001 Director: Christopher Gans Cast: Vincent Cassel Mark Dacascos Monica Bellucci~ Based on the French myth the “Beast of Gevaudan” which has some truth in it a beast type animal kills over 100 people and the King of France send his envoys to investigate. Vincent Cassel is a favorite French actor of mine who plays his part well. Monica Bellucci is hypnotic as usual. The real surprise here is Mark Dacascos he steals every scene he’s in.
  • 33) The Serpent and The Rainbow~ 1988 Director: Wes Craven Cast: Bill Pullman~ A scientist travels to Haiti to research a “Voodoo drug” that renders a person into a death like state. The effect doesn’t start to diminish until after 12 to 24 hours. This is partly based on an actual powder used in ceremonies.
  • 32) Event Horizon~ 1997 Director: Paul W.S. Anderson Cast: Laurence Fishburne Sam Neill~ A 7 person rescue crew is sent to salvage a spacecraft that’s been missing for 7 years. This movie was more complex than people realized. It’s more like Hellraiser than Aliens and you probably have to watch it more than once.
  • 31) Halloween~ 1978 Director: John Carpenter Cast: Jamie Lee Curtis~ Michael Myers murdered his sister on Halloween night 1963. Fifteen years later he escapes from a mental hospital to return to his hometown to kill again. The reality of the movie is what makes it true horror.
  • 30) The Hills Have Eyes~ 1977 Director: Wes Craven~ A family is stranded in the desert in an area closed to the public. Here a group of people live that are primitive, cannibalistic, inbred, and looking for new family members. You will never forget Michael Berryman.

STUPID QUESTIONS EX: WHAT’S THE NUT HOUSE REALLY LIKE?

I don’t know why I’m still shocked by the things people say or the questions they ask when they find out something from my past. I try to keep a low profile in the town I live in but I’ve been arrested a few times and I did go out every night for many years.

I also live in the smallest state so it isn’t hard for gossip to spread to people you don’t even know.

What I have a problem with are the idiotic questions from people who should know better. These are not teenagers, these are adults.

Here are some questions I’ve been asked.

“Do you get really good drugs?”

“Can I buy some from you?”

“Is that like One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest?”

“You must have felt like Frankenstein, did you?” (ECT)

“Did you meet any real crazy people where you were?”

“You’re not that bad are you? Like dangerous?”

“Aren’t there bugs and people writing on the walls with their own feces? That must have been awful”

“You’re okay now though, right?”

“Are you cured?”

“Oh, so you’re like the guy in One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest?” (If I hear it one more time I’ll scream)

“So what kind of drugs are you on? Anything good?” (this is asked often)

I’m not sure why people have this specific image of the mentally ill but they do. It hasn’t gotten better if anything it may have gotten a little worse with violent acts being blamed immediately on the mentally ill in the media. I notice that people are more weary around me at times. I don’t feel comfortable with this. I don’t to frighten people.

I admit that I also feel anger at the entire situation. The lack of empathy and basic humanity is appalling to me. MV5BMTc5ODUyMDI5Ml5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwNzM5OTQyNw@@._V1_SY1000_CR0,0,1480,1000_AL_MV5BNDc2NjMwNTUwOF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwOTUzNTIwNA@@._V1_SY1000_CR0,0,1499,1000_AL_MV5BMTA3MTE1ODE0NDReQTJeQWpwZ15BbWU3MDQ2OTQ5NzM@._V1_SY1000_CR0,0,1494,1000_AL_


RANTS & RAGE AGAIN

When you’re a person that has always been afraid conflict you have a tendency to push down any anger of your own. You don’t defend yourself often and stay quiet. Eventually this catches up to you.

I used to have a problem once in awhile, usually while drinking, but it tapered off as I got older. Except I find in the last year I’m having more periods of rage. Times where I want to throw something, punch a wall, and scream until I lose my voice. I can’t always tell the difference between rage and pain.

My sister has refused to have contact with me since Saturday which is unusual for us. We usually don’t go more than 3 days without at least a text because I stalk her with texts. This time I’m not. I’m not begging for my twin sister to like me.

My Dad’s hearing has either gotten extremely worse or he’s pretending it is because when I talk to him he acts like he can’t hear me until I throw something at him.

I hate repeating myself because my voice isn’t strong it never has been. I’ve had a sore throat for months now and I have trouble remembering words most times. If I start to get stressed then I start to stutter which makes it all worse. So I don’t bother anymore. I sit by myself everyday, I only talk out loud to the dogs sometimes.

The bad thing about this is when I have to go out in public and talk to someone. I feel like I’ve lost the ability for conversation. My throat feels rusty. I worry I’m making a fool of myself. Then I stay home more and more.

I just tried talking to my Dad about something on the news. One minute in I notice he isn’t looking at me and his eyes are blank. It’s like I’m not there, I’m invisible, what I was told by other people in that one moment is all true. I don’t matter, no one will ever love me, I’m a waste of space, ugly, nothing, I don’t deserve to live. The hamster wheel starts with all of these thoughts and the voices that went with them.

You can heal physically, for the most part I did. Emotionally I have never healed from my past. When I think of when I was locked in a bathroom not allowed out until I cut my wrist while they stood on the other side of the door taunting me I want to vomit. I allowed that and maybe I deserved it. If my own family can’t be around me than maybe I am that bad.

I feel like I want my Mom and I want to go home but I’m already home. So I’ll wait it out because I know it’s temporary or at least I hope it is.Klimt-Crying-Woman

 


RISK AND SIGNS OF SUICIDE

This subject isn’t a pleasant one to write about but it’s an important one. There have been too many talented, beautiful people in pain lost this year. There have also been many that we never hear about or were almost lost to us. When I hear of a person younger than me who dies by suicide that I know, it breaks something inside me.

The recent event of the son of the lead singer in my brother in law’s band angers me. I offered to help several times and each time I was brushed off like I have no idea what I’m talking about. Now I think if I had tried harder I could’ve prevented what happened. I know this isn’t true but self loathing and punishment is my thing.

INFORMATON

Women attempt suicide more often than men but men succeed in suicide more than women.

The most common method used by women is pills.

25% of suicides are by people over 65 years of age.

25% of suicides are alcohol related.

80% of people had seen a physician in the past 6 months.

50% of people had seen a physician in the last month.

RISK FACTORS

Previous attempts increases the risk of suicide greatly.

Family history of suicide or abuse.

History of psychiatric disorders.

History of alcohol/substance abuse.

Feelings of hopelessness or helplessness.

Impulsive or aggressive tendencies.

Isolation

Social losses, financial losses, death of a loved one.

People discharged from Mental Health facilities are 34 more times likely to commit suicide.

60% of the depressed population have suicidal ideations.

15% of alcoholic patients are more likely to commit suicide.

This is just a list of facts when dealing with real people it’s much more difficult. But there is truth here.

There is a history of suicide in my family. There is a history of severe mental illness and alcoholism.

I had seen physicians within 6 months of at least 2 of my suicide attempts. I was drunk during all of them and felt like I had a gaping hole in my chest that could never be filled. A lonely ache that never went away. It’s still here but I deal with it. When manic I was impulsive or aggressive and I chose pills and razors. One time a roof that turned out to not really be a roof.

It kind of blows my mind that I slipped through the cracks for so long. That I waited so long for a diagnosis or to receive any kind of help that was right. I honestly should be dead but for some reason I’m still here. Between the suicide attempts and the emergency Kidney Failure where I flat lined I figure I’m here for a reason. What that is I don’t know yet.

#6767

 


SUICIDE~ WHAT YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO SAY

No one has to tell me the damage I’ve done with my drinking, erratic behavior, attempts at suicide, abusive environments, and everything else I’ve done. I think about all of it almost daily. At times I use these memories as self punishment to remind myself why I don’t deserve to be happy. I know this isn’t true but I have days where it’s difficult to differentiate between the two.

I never wanted to tell anyone I thought about suicide because I was terrified of being institutionalized. I had seen several places while visiting relatives and they were scary. I didn’t want to be taken from my parents. Even though there is a strong hereditary link in my family my parents did the best they could at the time and I know they loved me. There are days where I do doubt this. They happen a lot more recently.

No one knows what to say someone who has attempted suicide so usually it never gets discussed.

It needs to be talked about specifically in the family. My family never discussed any of my attempts. I would be picked up at the Hospital when I was allowed to leave or if I had to stay in a Psych ward usually it was my Dad who came to visit me until I was released. It’s weird that I just remembered that. My Mom and sister never came. Only my Dad.

After it was like nothing ever happened. How can you have a child who overdoses 4 times and cuts their wrists enough to need stitches and cause nerve damage twice and not talk about it? But that’s how it was.

My sister told me the other day that my actions “scarred her for life”. I wasn’t sure whether I should be angry or sad. She was never around during the worse of it or if she was she never showed up.

When she commented that she had more sympathy for her friend’s son who shot himself in the head because he must have been in “real pain” unlike other people who attempt suicide and fail, I felt a tingling heat and dizziness. I couldn’t help but think she was talking about me.

Never compare someone’s pain to another’s. I replay conversations and comments in my head over and over until I’m cried out and exhausted.

I’m not unaware of the damage I’ve done it’s the opposite. I’m hyper aware which makes everything harder to deal with. c02707c766261aeb5fc516d564ea5b15


TOP 50 HORROR FILMS (Rated by Me) #50-40

I managed two Blockbuster Video stores at the same time, starting when all they had were VHS tapes and ending when they started closing stores. I had access to hundreds of catalogs listing every Horror film made. If one looked interesting I would cross reference it with another database that gave reviews (similar to imdb.com) to see if it was worth bringing in. We were also sent promotional tapes from independent companies that wanted their films to get picked up.

I had quite the collection until I couldn’t work anymore and I was stuck in limbo waiting for a decision on whether or not I was capable of working. I was forced to sell my film collection to pay bills. You do what you have to.

I still love the genre but I am a little picky or weird about the Horror movies I like. Torture porn isn’t exactly a favorite of mine and I rarely like comedy with my Horror or “Campy Horror” but some of the most influential Horror films have all of these qualities and they can’t be ignored.

  • 50) Freaks~ 1932- Director: Tod Browning Stars: Wallace Ford Leila Hyans~ A beautiful trapeze artist uses a Circus Sideshow owner with dwarfism to get his inheritance. The film uses people that had been used in Circus “Freak Shows” with real disabilities. There is a moral to the story. Sometimes the beautiful people are the cruelest and ugliest on the inside. The owner’s friends just want to make sure she matches all around.
  • 49) The Lair of The White Worm~ 1988- Director: Ken Russell Stars: Amanda Donohoe Hugh Grant~ Campy and bizarre which would normally mean I wouldn’t like it. The exception is Amanda Donohoe. Her character is mesmerizing and makes the entire movie.
  • 48) Trick or Treat~ 1986- Director: Charles Martin Smith Stars: Marc Price Tony Fields Gene Simmons~ An infamous rock star dies and uses his biggest fan, a bullied teenager, to try to come back to life. I watched this with my best friend and we loved the music and the concept. It was the 80’s.
  • 47) The Hitcher~ 1986- Director: Robert Harmon Stars: Rutger Hauer C. Thomas Howell~ I’m a huge fan of Rutger Hauer but not of C. Thomals Howell until recently. The realistic style of this movie is what makes it memorable. Road movies if done right can be extremely effective.
  • 46) Cannibal Holocaust~ 1980 Director: Ruggers Deodato  This film has so much controversy surrounding it you almost can’t believe it. After it’s premiere in Milan the film was seized by Italian Courts and the director was arrested and charged with obscenity. He was also charged with murdering several actors on camera and faced life in prison. He had the cast sign contracts saying they would disappear for a year after shooting to make the film more believable. Eventually they were found and the director was released. I haven’t been able to watch the film even though I owned a collector’s edition. There were real animal sacrifices and other questionable scenes. It was banned in several countries.
  • 45) The Hand~ 1981- Director: Oliver Stone Stars: Michael Caine~ A comic book artist loses his hand in a car accident but it was never found at the scene. Later it shows up and begins to kill anyone that the artist has a problem with. Is it an artist’s over active imagination or reality? You can’t go wrong with Oliver Stone and Michael Caine.
  • 44) Phantasm~ 1979- Director: Don Coscarelli Stars: Angus Scrimm~ Mike loses his parents at a young age and worries the same will happen to his older brother. He starts to follow him everywhere. One night while following him he sees the Tall Man who runs the funeral home. It’s downhill from there. I admit the Tall Man scared me and so did the metal spheres. This is one I first watched with my brother who by the way is also a Tall Man. lol
  • 43) Dust Devil~ 1992- Director: Richard Stanley Stars: Robert John Burke Chelsea Field~ The Dust Devil is a demon who preys on those who have lost their reason to live. This is based on a true story of South African serial killer Nhadiep. There’s a mix of mysticism, tribal rituals and witchcraft. The cinematography of the Namibian desert makes this film feel that much more realistic.
  • 42) The Evil Dead~ 1981- Director: Sam Raimi Stars: Bruce Campbell~ Five friends travel to a cabin in the woods where they release evil that posses them one by one. Not a favorite of mine because it mixes campy horror with gore but at the time it was made no one else was doing horror like this.
  • 41) The Lost Boys~ 1987- Director: Joel Schumacher Stars: Jason Patric Kiefer Sutherland~ While not the scariest movie made it might be one of the sexiest Vampire movies with one of the best soundtracks.
  • 40) Shocker~ 1989- Director: Wes Craven Stars: Peter Berg Michael Murphy Mitch Pileggi~ A serial killer comes back to life after being put to death by the electric chair. This movie always stayed with me and I can’t explain why. Wes Craven is one of the masters of Horror but there’s something different about this one.

This is it for right now because my hands are tired. lol But I will be back!


I DESERVED IT, DIDN’T I?

I was physically assaulted for years by different men and there were times when I woke up that I didn’t remember agreeing to have sex with a person or know where I was.

Alcoholism will lead you to dark places and to people you wouldn’t normally be friends with.

My parents were actually good parents. They had some moments when we were younger that could’ve been better but I don’t think any of it was too bad. Then again maybe it was and I don’t want to remember it. I don’t really know. I do know I was always painfully shy, over weight by the 6th grade with glasses and acne. It wasn’t fun from the 6th grade to the 12th grade. A lot of damage was done that couldn’t be undone.

When no one stands up for you as a child or intervenes you start to believe what is being said to you. So I believed I was fat, useless, ugly, unlovable, even that I smelled when I didn’t because everyone believes when you are fat you must smell. I was the cleanest person I knew. I became obsessed with expensive perfume as I grew older because of one comment made in the 10th grade. I’ve spent thousands of dollars on perfumes from places people have never had of.

The group of people I surrounded myself with when I began drinking at 16 were all predators in some way or another. Some were emotional predators, some financial, and some sexual or needed to feel in control.

I was perfect for all of it. I had zero self confidence and thought I was nothing when I arrived. I worked hard and always had money. I was easy to control when drinking and I was always drinking to numb a feeling or fake a personality or emotion or to feel normal. They saw me coming a mile away and never wanted me to leave.

While one would say and do cruel things another would be there to act as the good guy. Then it would flip. I went on like this for almost 9 years starting at 16. Those are important years where you learn how to be a young adult then an adult. I didn’t learn any of those things. I learned a lot of street smarts and how to immediately scan a room for scumbags or trouble. I learned to always sit with my back against a wall facing the door so I could see who was coming and going. I learned not to trust anyone ever again and to look people in the eye. I learned how to read facial expressions and tell when a person is lying to me.

I learned all of these things the hard way and by slowly becoming the monsters I hated.

I never fully became the monster but I still carry that fear with me and the street smarts. I also carry the “Trust No One” mentality with me because it huts too much to trust and be let down over and over again even by your family. I have brief flashes of the rage I carry deep within me and I won’t lie, it scares me. I wouldn’t hurt another person but I would hurt myself in that rage as I tore through the World. So I have to be careful with it and channel it into something else. That’s where the tears and stuttering come in I think.

I didn’t ask for any of this. The mental illness I knew was a 50/50 shot so was the drinking. But when I was growing up no one really knew that or talked about it. If my parents had taken me to a Doctor when they first suspected I would have been institutionalized until the age of 18.

It’s here and now at 44 that I decide how I want to deal with all of what I’ve been through, what I’ve learned, what I still need to learn, and pass it on.

If I could travel and speak on Radio Shows or in High Schools and tell the absolute truth with no sugar coating that’s what I want to do more than anything. There are too many organizations right now that so many feel like they don’t belong in because all they see are the positive messages of hope and recovery which is fine but don’t promise it right out of the gate. When I’m feeling like 0 the last thing I want to see are shiny happy people holding hands because I’ll already have the thought of failing in my head.

I don’t know if I’m making sense about this at all or if I’m completely off base and too messed up to even know it. I wouldn’t mind some feedback as long as you don’t completely tear me down because then that’s all I’ll think about for weeks. Ridiculous! But that’s who I am now. I’m a lot stronger in many areas but I still seek love and approval. I’m a work in progress like everyone should be.alone-by-edgar-allan-poe-scarebaby-design


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