As Long As I Have Me

 

 

Hello! I have a much different perspective today. Thoughts and feelings have evolved in a way. I see the mistakes that I made and how out of control I was. I need help. I see that now. I’ve never tried hard enough with therapy and when I get my health back I’ll try again. While I’m in Boston I’ll look into Doctors and Therapists specializing in Bipolar Disorder and Conversion Disorder. There are some cutting edge research programs there and already existing programs and centers. I have to be open and willing to do the work.

I have been used to being unhappy for so long that I have become afraid to BE HAPPY. I don’t know what that world looks like and it scares the crap out of me.

There are still things I want to do in this life. I would like to see Steven Tyler in concert one more time. There are a few others as well. I would like to travel a little. New Orleans is still on my list too. There are some good movies coming out I’d like to see. These may seem like frivolous reasons but it’s what keeps me going. These small things. A song that expresses what I feel or can’t say. Or a song that makes me feel some kind of happiness. Movies that help me escape the pain my brain perceives in this world. I used to enjoy travel until I became afraid to leave the house. I would like to take things further with my jewelry. I’m tired of being so hard on myself and thinking I suck. I don’t think strangers would stop me in stores to ask about the jewelry I’m wearing that I’ve made if it was awful.

I also need  to try to let everything go with my sister and brother in law. It isn’t going to do anyone any good. I’m not going to let things be the way they were. I was calling her too much. She never picked up, but I did call a lot. I’m trying not to do this. I need to do this for my nephews. I can’t see my brother in law right now. My father spoke to my sister this morning. Her side of the story was told. I of course was made to look like an out of control crazy person who damaged the relationship of all of us. I’m not so sure she’s wrong.

The suicidal thoughts are gone. It wouldn’t achieve anything and it would ruin all the hard work I HAVE DONE. I have survived 20 years of Alcoholism and an undiagnosed mental illness. I have survived physical abuse, verbal abuse, and some of the worse mind games I’ve ever experienced. I SURVIVED ALL OF IT.

I would rather experience physical and verbal abuse than the mind games. At least I knew where I stood with the other two. When someone tells you they love you and you’re one of the most important people in their life and they say and do all the right things, then you slowly find out everything is a lie, it’s devastating. I spent over 7 years with someone who was suppose to care about me. When the entire time he did everything in his power to make sure I sunk deeper and deeper into an abyss. I can’t blame him for everything, I chose to drink and I chose to hang out with him. When you hear something repeatedly you start to believe it. I was told no one would ever care about me like he did. No one would ever understand me like he did. So I ignored things. When he twisted my arm behind my back and pushed my face into the carpet I ignored it.

The biggest warning sign I ignored was when I got a phone call one Christmas from someone I hooked up with frequently. He was my first and I thought I loved him. I was stupid. I had not heard from him in a long time. He called to say he was sorry for the way he had treated me. He told me I didn’t belong hanging out with the person I was hanging out with. He said no matter how bad I thought he was this other person was worse. He told me that he would hurt me and he wasn’t who I thought he was. He wished me a Merry Christmas and hoped I would be happy. I should have listened.

Every time I would try to quit drinking and this guy was still in my life something would happen to trigger a relapse. There was even a time when I was drinking plain Coke. I went to the bathroom and when I came back and took a drink of my soda it wasn’t just soda. It was a Rum and Coke. It was too late. The warmth spread through me and I said to myself “Oh well too late, I might as well drink”. There were things he did that I won’t get into because it’s too personal and too horrific. The final straw was when he beat me until I was drowning in my own blood. I still have nightmares. He had a skull ring on that left a small scar on the underside of my nose. He broke a chair over my head and threw me down a flight of stairs. People wonder why I panic and get scared when a man is loud or aggressive around me.

The sad part is he wasn’t the first to hit me he just did the most damage. I’ve been thrown in a dumpster, slapped more times than I can count, spit on at least 4 times, had darts thrown at me, someone tried to sell me at a bar for $30, and I’ve blocked out some stuff that I need to deal with.

At least I’ve come to accept that I need more help than I’ve been getting. I’ve also been stubborn because I’m so used to wallowing in my own misery I’m afraid of anything else. Fear will keep you down. I need to conquer some of it soon.

Supporting Family When You Need Support & Other Issues

My sister finally calls this afternoon about our father. I started trying to reach her June 13 at 11:00 a.m. by calling, texting, facebook, and texting again. I refuse to call her husband to get in touch with her. I made it very clear that there was a situation going bad. She talks to him today and he makes everything sound normal. He doesn’t mention pushing me into the wall in his frazzled state and running around until he collapses. This is the last straw. I’ve had enough.

It isn’t just his treatment of me, his personality has changed due to the dialysis and he’s scared. I have seen him crying after he has been mean to me. I understand. I live with him and have always spent the most time with him. I told him today he needs to do his will. He doesn’t understand what my sister and brother will do. I told him straight out. They think they can just release the birds. As for his clocks they know nothing about them and don’t care. If the dogs are still alive they will have to be given to a shelter because I doubt they will be letting me stay long enough to find a place to live with all three of them. He didn’t think this would happen. I told him this is what was said to me. My sister and brother are not animal people so it wouldn’t bother them. They also don’t know that the birds won’t fly “away”. These types of birds will stay where they are. They have no clue about the clocks and the beauty of the workmanship that went into them. My sister mentioned selling the birds to restaurants, something my father would never do and has refused to do in the past.

About the neighbor. I personally inoculated these birds from disease by injecting them in the neck with the proper medicine just like a vet would do. She had seen something on tv. These birds are healthier than any you would find in a breeding program to increase the population of endangered species, which my father has a license to do. With only a 7th grade education. I’m proud as hell that he’s accomplished that. My sister and brother do not get this.

My brother (my father’s stepson) has not called or come over in about 6 months because my father doesn’t allow alcohol in the house and hates talking to someone that has been drinking. My father worries himself sick about what to do about him.

My sister never calls him or comes over. Her excuse is the dogs and that he knows how to use the phone too. He has called her many, many times with no response until I get involved. This makes me the bad guy.

So what I’m saying is they deserve nothing. I took care of my mother while she was dying in this house. They never came. I am now taking care of my father in the last stage of kidney failure on dialysis. I am the only one that offered a kidney. Mine are damaged. I didn’t know. I would give him the world if I could. He used to joke and smile with me all the time. Not anymore. He feels like I do. A burden. He isn’t, I just don’t want to lose him but at the same time he scares me.

My mom got pregnant on purpose. He was scared and left for awhile. When he came back that was it he was committed. He changed diapers, brushed our hair, fed us, my mom had one he had the other. He didn’t have to come back. But he did and chose to be the best father he knew how to be. He never really had one, there were no hugs in his family and no expressions of emotion. No one told each other “I love you”. He made sure that changed with us. How hard that had to have been for him. He said it was all because of my mom. I believe it.

Taking Care of Business and Finding Your Version of Happy

After speaking to my alcoholic brother last night and letting it bother me to the point of feeling sick I decided some changes had to be made. They’re going to be big ones and the people in my life are not going to like them. But they have to be done. I will no longer speak to my brother until he understands that I am an Alcoholic. He made comments about my road trip and maybe the band would buy me shots. It was pointless to argue with him because he was drunk but I did anyway. I told him I have been sober for almost 6 years and I would never disrespect the person I was going to see who is also sober by drinking. Besides I don’t want to. He said I didn’t have a problem I reminded him of how I drank him under the table and stuck him with a huge tab right before I quit drinking. He’s 6 foot 3 inches tall and weighs about 275. Plus he’s been drinking longer than me because he’s 7 years older. He was quiet for a few minutes then said “yeah but you hooked me up with that girl haha” so pointless. I’m not doing it anymore. I have always been in his corner because no one else was except my mom. With her gone he had no one. And when we were little he didn’t have it easy and was always there for me when our parents were drinking. But we are adults now and my father has been sober since I was 9. Being Bipolar I am greatly affected by other people’s energy and what they say and do. If you hurt me that hurt will stay in my head for a very long time. I am not like other Bipolar people, actually we are all a little different. I just happen to have extenuating circumstances that go with my diagnosis. The Social Phobia, Conversion Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder, PTSD (from what I don’t know), Celiac Disease, Neutropenia, Leukopenia, Loss of White Matter (Significant in brain), Tremors, Stuttering, Hyperpigmentation, Loss of pigmentation, Arthritis, Osteoporosis, Spinal Stenosis, it goes on and on. So I can’t take on the additional crap from other people.

My sister never deals with any of it. I helped her pay for groceries the other day and the found out she went out to dinner with a bunch of friends that included a bottle of wine that she bought the table. Not happening. Her husband said he wasn’t helping my father because my father didn’t help them and didn’t come over to see the kids. He’s lucky I quit drinking or I would have drop kicked him in the nuts. Grow up put your big boy pants on get a full time job and shut the f**k up. My father has done a lot for them that went unappreciated. Sorry you didn’t make it as a rock star but no one talks bad about my father except me. So unless my boys need something they will get no money from me.

That brings me to my dad. He does not want me to do this road trip. Too bad. I have spent over 5 and a half years at home so he wouldn’t worry and get upset when I left the house. This isn’t living. He is 72 and has had his life I am 42 and spent most of mine drunk. It’s time for me to try to do things that make me happy while I can. I will have to try hard not to listen and worry about what he’s going to say and do. Life is short and right now I don’t have much of One. It isn’t normal to go days sometimes a week with no social interaction. I will eventually start to decompensate. Or decompose that is what the computer keeps trying to put in for me. Lol

Accountability, Honesty, and Being Your Own Advocate

Sometimes I forget to hold myself accountable for my actions and words. I also forget to give myself a break. I got myself to where I am today. It’s nice to be able to have the help of music and other things I enjoy. I am grateful that some people have reached out to me. I am grateful that some musicians and artists are honest in their own work. That being said, they are in no way responsible for any of my actions past or present. Or in the future. I can show my gratitude and respect but it doesn’t mean they are responsible for my well being. The only person who is, is me. I may not do the best job at it but it’s still up to me to do it. I am the one who needs to look up new advances in medicine, or side effects of medications, what scientists have found recently, or if my doctor is still the right fit for me.

If you have a doctor that discourages you from reading about an illness you have been diagnosed with than I suggest you look at other doctors. My favorite doctor is a Hematologist who was actually pleasantly surprised at what I knew about Celiac Disease and Bipolar Disorder. It made his job a little easier. He encouraged me to keep reading about my illnesses because medicine is constantly evolving. Too bad my primary care doctor and a few others do not see it that way. They take offense when questioned and rush you out the door without even listening. This is one of the reasons I have not been to a regular doctor in a year. I have only been to my Psychiatrist and had my kidneys tested by one blood test. Which showed something going on but not what. They couldn’t do further testing because it was just to see if I could donate to my dad.

So it’s my own fault that I’m ill. My hair is falling out, I have constant migraines, light hurts my eyes, I have pain in the upper middle of my stomach where my ulcer is and where I get gallbladder pain, I have pain under my right ribcage, my hands and feet swell, my neck and shoulders are almost unbearable, my face hurts whether this is from the two cysts in my sinus cavity or not I don’t know. I’m more and more confused and forget things. I see words rearranged and write them wrong. My skin has too much pigmentation in some areas and not enough in others. I’m probably going through menopause at 42 but a year ago my primary care doc said “no”. Women with Celiac tend to have Polycystic Ovary Disease and go through menopause early. I have always had all the symptoms of Polycystic but no one ever said anything, as usual. I have not had a period in over a year so…….? I’m celibate so unless I was visited by aliens there no other explanation. But it’s ok after April I will go to Boston where there is a Celiac Center and let them do what they want and they can also help with the Bipolar. I’m kind of done complaining with no one listening it’s time to just DO something about it. I don’t want to be on the outside looking in anymore.

My Not So Good Friend ANGER

When I get angry I have to leave the situation. My anger mostly comes out in tears and stuttering these days. Once in awhile I can feel it bubbling into something else. Like right now. It’s been a bad day and to read about kids cutting themselves over a member of One Direction is too much for me today. I want to tell them “I’ll give you something real to cut over idiots” and you should all have a lobotomy. But that would be mean and wrong. But if that’s the only thing that is getting you down count yourself lucky. It is so frustrating to try to identify with this kind of behavior but it’s common. I think about my depression and what happened today and I want to disappear. What makes me different from them? I want to say a lot but everyone has a right to their feelings. I’m kind of tired of the political correctness of it all. It sickens me. Makes me tired. So I am done today.

Off The Wagon

I won’t lie. On really, really, bad days like today I think about about drinking. The escape it gave me from dealing with any pain or anxiety. The way I didn’t feel like an outsider anymore, I felt included, a part of something. Life I guess. I knew as soon as I woke up and heard ” Godamn” several times while the drawers were being slammed that it wasn’t going to be good. My father is going in for surgery on his fistula Thursday. He’s scared but won’t admit it. He also refuses to write what he wants done should anything happen during surgery. He’s 71 and doesn’t hear well in one ear either. What set him off this morning was opening the $4000 bill from the dialysis center. I didn’t help any by telling him he needs to get a lawyer and make them clear his bill and pay for his surgery because they are the ones that poked a hole through his fistula more than once. When he told me I didn’t know what the hell I was talking about I was hurt and angry. I just left. I may be an alcoholic and diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder but I am not stupid. I wish people would stop treating me as if I am.

The problem with drinking again this time is too many people know I am sober and for how long. This time the fall would be longer and harder. This time I wouldn’t stop until I physically shut down. I know this. My bestfriend said to me she was scared if I ever drank again. When I asked her why she said “Dana, you only want to remember the fun and we did have fun but think about it. Everytime you tried to hurt yourself you were drunk. I’m afraid next time you will succeed.” she was crying when she said this. She’s not a person that cries so I knew she meant it. My own family doesn’t discuss it. They have never encouraged me or offered support. They keep a silent watchful eye on me at all times and that is it. Do I deserve a pat on the back after what I put them through? No, probably not. But at 42 I don’t think I should have to play 20 questions with everyone everytime I leave the house. I have almost 6 years under my belt but in an alcoholics world time doesn’t mean anything. I have seen people that have 25 years of sobriety and one day something happens and that’s all it takes. For one man it was his daughter dying he never got sober again and he himself passed away a year later. My brother’s friend had been sober for years, a new baby and wife. The problem was he was living a lie and couldn’t take it anymore. I knew he was gay and so did my mother and brother but that was it. He left his family and a few months later choked on his own vomit because he felt ashamed of who he was. How I cried for him because a part of me could understand the isolation and loneliness he must have felt even though he was surrounded by people.

So today I didn’t drink. I told my father in his good ear that I love him and that’s all I can do right now. I can’t force my sister or brother to help me if they are not capable or willing. I can only control what I do. And what I want to do is be there like he’s been there to bail me out or sit beside me while I cry and tell me it’s ok. I’ll tell him the same “It’s ok Dad, it’s ok”. I love you.

What I Can’t Feel Anymore

I have stopped being able to feel joy, excitement, maybe even empathy. That feeling you get when you see a cute guy or someone you have a crush on. It’s all gone. I don’t know where it went. Even my love of shopping is gone. It has been a few years since I looked at a man and felt anything. Maybe I have been alone too long or it’s the medications. The last time I felt close to happy true happiness was at a zoo that had a special program for breeding wolves. A family was there first and the wolves wouldn’t come down off the rocks. The family was loud and getting annoyed. I waited them out and when they left I went into wolf mode. You have to know pack behavior, of course they were going to stay away from screaming kids and loud people. So I stood there quietly with my head down in a submissive way. One by one they all came to me and sat in front of me. I cried tears of joy they were so beautiful. That was the last time I felt like that it was over a year ago. My sister told me not to tell anyone that story because I sounded crazy. I said yup and I have the paperwork to prove it asshole. Someone always has to ruin something good. My dad understood. I want to feel good things again instead dread, sorrow and pain every day. People tell you to think positive snap out of it. DON’T YOU THINK I WOULD IF IT WAS THAT EASY? Do you honestly think anyone would chose to live this way? A loop of ugliness playing nonstop in your head that you can’t shut off no matter how hard you try. Some things dull it but nothing ever makes it go completely away. To feel uncomfortable in your own skin and the world around you almost your entire life is no way to live. But I do. I find a way. No matter how much I don’t want to I do. No one has even given me a hug in the longest time. Not even my twin sister. I’m not contagious just sad. And tomorrow is another day.