Where did I leave us? Oh, my brother.
My brother became a different person after that. He didn’t trust anyone, started smoking pot, drinking, and fighting. He also became a bully, fighting with everyone, especially our Dad. He was 13, 6 foot 3 and 200 pounds. My Mom was hospitalized twice during his teens due to all the verbal and physical fighting going on around us. The police knew exactly who my brother was and were called to the house often.
I never stood up to him, never told on him, I just tried to laugh and shrug it off. My twin had enough backbone for two people and did stand up to him, did fight back, and told our parents. This may be why he picked on her more.
He also insisted she was a lesbian, calling her horrendous names, after her marriage he switched to her husband. I’ve heard him be racist, sexist, homophobic, and an all around bastard. But I still remember the goodness that was once there.
I mentioned in a previous post that he had been giving me marijuana to help me sleep since my Dad passed away in January. What I didn’t know is that high levels of THC can and usually do cause psychosis in people diagnosed with Bipolar and Schizophrenia. I was a drinker and street smart but didn’t know too much about chronic marijuana use. I had only researched medical marijuana which is very different than what you would buy on the street or from “someone you know”.
I started hearing conversations that sounded like they were right outside my window or in the basement. They call these “Auditory Hallucinations”. I admit that I’ve had 1 visual hallucination due to a bad reaction to a new medication years ago but that’s it. These were voices I knew well and they were continuing like a soap opera or movie.
I talked to my twin sister about it, she believed it was the marijuana, grief, lack of sleep, and “my illness”. No one likes to say it out loud.
I was hearing my brother, his 2 daughters(mostly 1 of them), and a voice I didn’t recognize. The more I insisted he was coming and going and hiding it, the more my sister started to talk about hospitalization, something I fear more than anything.
She insisted on coming with me to my next appointment with my Psychiatrist. I didn’t argue with her. They decided I needed another medication added to what I was already taking, Risperdal.
MEDICATIONS: Viibryd, Adderall, Xanax, Risperdal, Topamax, Diphenhydramine Hydrochloride (Klonopin was switched out for the Xanax I don’t know why)
I had already stopped using marijuana after doing extensive research online and told my doctor this. I wasn’t happy about more meds but when they started discussing how involuntary commitment works I accepted it. Like I mentioned I’m not good at defending myself unless I’m continuously pushed into a corner. As someone who has experienced a considerable amount of physical abuse from various men, I’m frightened of all confrontation. It takes a lot to get me to defend myself. I gave the medication changes 1 month to see if anything changed. I didn’t know what outcome I was hoping for the most. My brain has hidden things from me before when I wasn’t able to deal with something, I also know my brother better than anyone else does.
I would be crushed and furious if I found out he had been squatting on the property or trying to find if my sister and I were planning to leave him out when our Dad’s house sells. If he had allowed and encouraged people to think I was hallucinating because of the grief, I’m not quite sure what I would do. His narcissism is endless. He never paid attention to what I did, never believed I’m an alcoholic (in remission), laughed at any mental health diagnosis, and always ran or ignored his own problems. I turned a blind eye when it came to a lot of the things he did.
Unfortunately things would get much, much, worse.
I know this is only my side of the story, being a bipolar sober alcoholic with other mental health and serious health issues makes my credibility a problem for some people. Mostly because they don’t really know me.
TO BE CONTINUED…………