I love my twin sister more than she will ever know. We had a fight on the phone where she hung up on me. I decided to write an E-mail to her because I was stuttering and not making sense.
D, I’m sorry for this morning. There’s a lot you don’t know. I decided not to tell you along with Mom and Dad. They knew from an early age that something was different about me. When I started to bang my head to soothe my anxiety they argued about taking me to a Doctor. I hadn’t even started school yet. Mom was afraid. She didn’t want to see me institutionalized like her brother and sister. They decided against it.
It was difficult growing up side by side and seeing the differences. I would watch you, standing from outside, at our Birthday parties. You could talk and laugh with everyone and I never knew how to do that so I hid. You made it look easy I kept wondering what was wrong with me.
As we got older our relationship became worse. I noticed you never introduced me as your “twin sister” and if I told people were twins you looked annoyed. I had one friend and you had many that you didn’t want me talking to. You banned me from our 21st Birthday Party (Sorry your 21st part). I wouldn’t have went but to call me and say “you’re not allowed at my party” was hurtful. I know I wasn’t easy to be around but it didn’t help when my family treated me like a monster.
I know you were living your own life. At the same time I was dying and everyone knew it. Mom and Dad saving money for my funeral, trying to kill myself 5 times, you were in California for a few of them. One that left me with permanent nerve damage in my left hand. No one wanted to ask about what happened that night I was dropped off unconscious covered in blood. No one believed me about it because I was told “You’re a drunk and liar. We can’t trust you anymore”. Our mother never looked so happy as the day she saw you in your wedding dress and the day you told her she would be a Grandmother.
To make me feel better she had a ring made for me. When she showed it to me she said ” I had this made for because I know you probably won’t marry.” She put it away for later, when she passed no one believed she had it made for me. Again I don’t blame anyone it’s my fault my actions are my own.
I always had an idea of how sisters are supposed to be. We are not it. Maybe I watched too many movies. I know I get frustrated and lash out, I’m working on it. The hardest thing for me is after 23 medications and 18 Psychiatrists and Therapists my family still thinks I’m not trying hard enough. I love you, I will always love you no matter what because that’s who I am.