USELESS

Everyone says to reach out when you’re feeling like the depression is getting to be too much. What if you reach out to 5 different people and get nothing but silence in return?

You feel useless and humiliated. I know I can be difficult to be around I over compensate by talking about movies and current events so I don’t talk about myself. Then I get in trouble because I didn’t ask the other person any questions about how they are doing.

I can’t keep all the social norms straight, keep my mask from slipping. It’s hard work.

I talked to Disability recently to see if I was up for Review and the woman laughed. She said “No Doctor will ever clear you to work again with your recent diagnoses”. THANKS! I didn’t think it was amusing I just felt even more useless.

Now our lovely President is all over the TV spewing on and on about Mental Health while my neighbors are probably forming a watch to make sure I don’t have any weapons to hurt them and their loved ones. I live in a small town, a police officer lives a few streets over, he likes to tell everyone my business.

When I had to call 911 for my Dad because he was bleeding out on the bathroom floor the EMT was worried about me because I was shaking and stuttering. The police officer who lives near me HAD to be there. He said “Don’t worry about her, she’s just crazy”. I wanted to show him just how crazy I can be by punching him in the face with his own nightstick but I didn’t think it would go over so well.

Yes, I have had run ins with the law in the past when I was drinking. I was never disrespectful. My mother said it makes you look guilty if you run or act like a jerk. There were times where they deserved to be disrespected but I kept it all to myself. Even when two officers made me sleep in a cell with just a silk see through tank top and my underwear on. They also put the AC on high so I would freeze. It was common knowledge that they did this to many women. At the time I thought I deserved it.

I think I deserve many things but not to be treated like a non-human.

I’m cranky, sad, lonely, tired, bored, I just don’t know anymore. I have no motivation. I stay in my pajamas all the time. I don’t brush my hair or teeth for that matter. I just don’t care. No one else does either. I’m beginning to not care that no one cares. I want to swear at everyone too. Not like me at all.