SUICIDE~ WHAT YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO SAY

No one has to tell me the damage I’ve done with my drinking, erratic behavior, attempts at suicide, abusive environments, and everything else I’ve done. I think about all of it almost daily. At times I use these memories as self punishment to remind myself why I don’t deserve to be happy. I know this isn’t true but I have days where it’s difficult to differentiate between the two.

I never wanted to tell anyone I thought about suicide because I was terrified of being institutionalized. I had seen several places while visiting relatives and they were scary. I didn’t want to be taken from my parents. Even though there is a strong hereditary link in my family my parents did the best they could at the time and I know they loved me. There are days where I do doubt this. They happen a lot more recently.

No one knows what to say someone who has attempted suicide so usually it never gets discussed.

It needs to be talked about specifically in the family. My family never discussed any of my attempts. I would be picked up at the Hospital when I was allowed to leave or if I had to stay in a Psych ward usually it was my Dad who came to visit me until I was released. It’s weird that I just remembered that. My Mom and sister never came. Only my Dad.

After it was like nothing ever happened. How can you have a child who overdoses 4 times and cuts their wrists enough to need stitches and cause nerve damage twice and not talk about it? But that’s how it was.

My sister told me the other day that my actions “scarred her for life”. I wasn’t sure whether I should be angry or sad. She was never around during the worse of it or if she was she never showed up.

When she commented that she had more sympathy for her friend’s son who shot himself in the head because he must have been in “real pain” unlike other people who attempt suicide and fail, I felt a tingling heat and dizziness. I couldn’t help but think she was talking about me.

Never compare someone’s pain to another’s. I replay conversations and comments in my head over and over until I’m cried out and exhausted.

I’m not unaware of the damage I’ve done it’s the opposite. I’m hyper aware which makes everything harder to deal with. c02707c766261aeb5fc516d564ea5b15

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About darie73

I'm a daughter, a sister, and an Aunt. I've worked in the Hair Industry, Jewelry Manufacturing, and Retail Management. I'm also an Alcoholic, diagnosed Bipolar, Conversion Disorder, Anxiety, Celiac Disease, and other health issues. I talk about all of these things as honestly as I can. The stigma, medications, doctors, family problems, support or lack of support. I advocate for people like me, animals, and anyone else who feels like they don't have a voice. These are my opinions, I just ask that readers be respectful. Haven't we all been kicked enough when we are down? It's time to change that. View all posts by darie73

9 responses to “SUICIDE~ WHAT YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO SAY

  • Viv@Grief Happens

    Really good and important post. I’ve been on several sides of this. My brother who struggles with addiction overdosed a few times, lived, and then has told us since that some of these were legit suicide attempts. When I was younger, I was selfish and could only see my own pain and how his addiction affected our family – specifically my mom. And in turn, affected me. However, I did keep most of my anger to myself and went to therapy and tried my best to deal with what I’ve since termed peripheral trauma. It has been a process. I still struggle with separating my brother’s illness with him as a person. Still…it’s not a thing we talk about.

    My dad died by suicide when I was 20, and so many people in my family still refuse to discuss it. It’s like we never did the whole “as a family” coping method. Other cousins have attempted suicide and most of my family (at least on the surface) glazes over it all. I, personally, find this so hard. I talk to my kids about this stuff (in age-appropriate ways) because I know the family history. My dad hid his depression…except not really…because at his funeral numerous relatives in his age range who’d known him since birth told me stories about how he’d go to bed for weeks. That broke my heart. Anyway, it’s been a process with my brother. He talks to my mom about his stuff but she keeps most of it to herself. I think she feels extreme shame over being his mom and not being able to fix it.

    Sorry…that was so long. I don’t have the energy or battery life to proof from my phone. Anyway, you’re so right that you deserved better. It pains me to think of you dealing with that and needing your pain to at least be acknowledged. Ugh. I’m not going anywhere with this really. I’m just sorry it wasn’t different and I’m glad you’re voicing a lot of this here. It is helpful and will hopefully give other families insight into what they can do better. I find that it works best for me to deal in my own way (away from family members who are still very much engaging in and defending their dysfunction.) And, by setting a better example and striving to discuss hard things with my own children. Thanks again for sharing – I always learn when I read your blog.

    Liked by 1 person

    • darie73

      You do know I ramble myself? lol It’s brought to my attention often so I’ve learned to make myself quiet so much so that when I do go to speak it feels uncomfortable and embarrassing. I could talk to my Mom about a lot but I suspect she was Bipolar and was never diagnosed. She would spend weeks in her room then come out and clean the entire house while dancing and talking loudly. She was hospitalized several times when I was younger. It’s a tough subject. I am sad and angry with my twin sister. I can’t help wanting her love and approval but I shouldn’t have to beg for it.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Viv@Grief Happens

      I think you really hit on this & it’s so important —You’re hyper-aware of the pain caused by your illness – an illness that’s misunderstood and often condemned.

      In my above comment I talked only about my brother who seems oblivious to how his actions impacted others – yet who really knows since we don’t discuss.

      As a family, it’s easy (and maybe most natural) to point fingers rather than examining ourselves. I say this because I hurt my family all the time by isolating and staying away and saying ‘I have a lot going on.’ What I actually have is severe depression and anxiety and an array of sensory issues that make being around people extremely difficult. Like you, I’m hyper-aware of the hurt I’m causing…but because I’m so wrapped up in dealing with my hurt and again, my illness, I don’t have much left to make others feel more comfortable. Ya know? I guess what I’m saying is I know it’s hard but if at all possible let go of as much of the guilt, shame and “hyper-awareness” as you can for the sake of healing. Sorry – I know you know all this & we both know how much easier it is to advise others than to actually do it ourselves.

      Again, I got rambly. This – as in your post and this whole discussion sums up one of the most difficult things about families and mental illness – it’s pervasive and often misunderstood and hidden. Add societal stigma and whoa…what a gumbo of pain and hurt feelings and throwing hands in the air. Seriously, tho, I needed to read this today. Thank you and continued well wishes as you deal with all of it. I know it’s not easy. 💙

      Liked by 1 person

    • darie73

      No, thank you! It makes a huge difference when you know you are not alone. There are times my blog is one of the few things keeping me going it must be for a reason.

      Liked by 1 person

  • ToadieOdie

    My mother has attempted suicide twice that I know of and it’s very seldom ever mentioned. Once when my mother believed I was suicidal (but wasn’t) and then two separate occasions between my sisters. My father acts like it never happened. Honestly, given the circumstances, I’m not sure he even knows.

    But pretending it never happened creates a sense of invisibility for the person. I’m not saying that we need to force the subject on that person because some people, like me, don’t want certain subjects brought up in certain settings/company. What I am saying is that if the person wants to discuss it, we should engage and do so.

    I think sometimes people are afraid to bring it up or discuss it. The worry of “what if I say the wrong thing” is powerful. No decent person desires to make it worse.

    Liked by 2 people

    • darie73

      I’ve had family members look at my scars and say “You cut the wrong way you know” when I was in a 12 step program several other members thought it was okay to make similar comments but not one person has shown empathy. I’m okay with that as long as people don’t say flip ignorant comments. My twin should’ve been able to talk to me instead of blaming me all these years without my knowing it. She’s is living her life while I’m still just existing. She says she’s been traumatized by me but she has everything I wish I could have but never will. Her children are so beautiful and loving they make my stomach hurt. I can no longer have children. Sorry! I have a viral infection so my meds are extra messed up! I’m sweating my skin itches (kidney) my head is throbbing so I’m miserable lol

      Liked by 1 person

    • ToadieOdie

      I completely understand, no worries. Everything goes out of whack when we get sick. “‘Tis the nature of the beast,” one could say, sadly.

      I hope that it is out of ignorance that your sister said that and not out of some petty spite with the intent to hurt you. Try as I might, it’s hard for me to not assume the worst when it comes to that kind of thing. I think it’s because I’ve been the target of mal-intent too often in the past.

      It doesn’t help that you have reported her saying hurtful things to you in the past with frequency, and since you didn’t say she tried to build a bridge with you to reconcile things between you, I question her intent here.

      Liked by 1 person

    • darie73

      It was intended to hurt. She’ll feel guilty in a week or so and text me with something where I’m supposed to feel bad for her. It’s a vicious circle but I love her she’s my twin and a connection to my Mom

      Like

    • ToadieOdie

      😦 That sucks. The logical answer is to cut ties with the toxic people in our lives, but I truly do understand why you can’t. I feel the same way about certain people in my life too.

      Liked by 1 person

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