FLIGHTS OF FANCY

Being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder is difficult enough. When you have Mixed Episodes it’s what I imagine Hell would be like if I were religious.

Mixed Episodes are when a person with Bipolar Disorder has depressive and manic symptoms at the same time or close together. It’s usually called a Manic/Depressive episode with mixed features.

It’s more common in women and people who developed Bipolar at a young age. It can cause unpredictable behavior when feeling hopeless and suicidal but energized and agitated.

I love to do research but sometimes it might be better to not know some things about yourself.

The new college courses in Psychiatry give how many years are subtracted from a person’s lifespan with specific Psychiatric conditions. 25 years has been deducted from mine. This would mean I have less than 6 years left. I’m not really surprised at this. I should be but I’m not.

I try not to think about it because the brain and Psychiatric Disorders are never 100% accurate and everyone’s brain is so unique nothing is for sure.

I am restless and I feel I’ve wasted my life and now I don’t have enough time, money, energy to do anything I want to do.

It’s also hard being alone all the time. My Dad is either at dialysis or doing something outside. He used to like talking to me until I started to get worse day by day and he started dialysis. My twin sister never wanted to be close and still doesn’t. My one best friend works 60 hours a week and lives with her boyfriend so she doesn’t have a lot of time. I’ve tried to make new friends in the past but I would talk myself into thinking they didn’t really like me. I didn’t deserve to have friends and they just felt bad for me.

So many Doctors, Therapists, Neurologists who all didn’t have answers for me except that I’ll get worse. Thanks! Can I have a steady morphine drip please? Because everything hurts 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, on the outside and the inside. From my brain to my heart to my bones. I’m afraid I’ll never get to experience love or go on a date. I am my own problem. How can any of that happen if I only leave the house once every 3 weeks?

I still feel this need to try to drive cross country. The need is stronger at night but I don’t know why. I’m not an adult. I’m 44 and haven’t really had to do any of the things that adults do. It’s one of the reasons I didn’t tell anyone where or when I was buying my car. I wanted to do it myself and if I made mistakes at least they would be mine. My Dad acted like a 2 year old when I did it but has since admitted I made the right decision. He still has a problem if I am not home by the time it’s dark outside. By “problem” I mean dry heaving and chest pains. I can’t live with knowing I cause him to react like that so I stay home. Not much of a way to live.

I’m usually in my room by 3:30/4:00 p.m. because I’m bored and I can watch what I want in my room. I go to bed fairly early because there isn’t much else to do.

Do I want something to change? Sometimes. I really did want to try to drive from Rhode Island to California.

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About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

2 responses to “FLIGHTS OF FANCY

  • manyofus1980

    i’m sorry you are struggling. my partner has bipolar. she gets mixed episodes a lot. its awful to see her struggle. I don’t have bipolar I have ptsd and dissociative identity disorder, I struggle too in lots of areas of my life. I hope you were able to sleep tonight. sending you some hugs if you need them. my blog is private but I do have readers I just like to know whose reading and have control over it but please feel free to request access to it http://therapybits.com/ I blog about my mental illnesses and therapy etc. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • darie73

      Thank you, I also have Conversion Disorder which is related to trauma that my brain is protecting me from but it has to be released in some way so when it’s triggered I react physically by stuttering uncontrollably, tremors, at times rocking back and forth and if it’s a confrontational situation I have blacked out. Not being able to ever stand up for yourself is a difficult way to live. I have never been able to say what I feel unless I was drinking. Over 9 years of sobriety, medications, ECT, Therapy, everything available only to feel worse than I ever have. When several Doctors actually tell you that there isn’t anything left for them to try, that because everything started so early and was diagnosed so late the possibility of having more “good” days than “bad” is rare. It’s hard not to feel hopeless. My family doesn’t make it any easier. The people I find here do.

      Liked by 1 person

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