WHAT IS SELFISH AND WHO DECIDES?

My words and actions make me appear selfish. Most people would think so.

If a person actually knew the tornado of thoughts and feelings I have all day long I wonder if it would change their point of view?

I don’t want to be negative all the time and there was a time where I wasn’t. Now all it takes is a harsh word, a song, a breaking news story, an ignored text or phone call to completely change me. At times I’m not even aware of the change. The times I am aware are difficult. The more I try to control myself the worse I seem to get.

The hardest part is trying to explain to your family that you’re not doing any of it on purpose or to get attention. That trying harder isn’t going to fix anything and finding the “right” Doctor or Therapist isn’t as easy as they think.

I’m at a point where only the fast acting medications are working and even those are not working like they used to. Because my one kidney was working at 70% I didn’t think my meds were working correctly. My kidney function has gone down a little in that kidney. I’m also malnutritioned and suffer from malabsorption so I’m 98% sure my meds are not working. I have an appointment to finally get some answers on June 27th. I haven’t felt myself since I went into Kidney Failure 2 years ago. That could be for many reasons.

The thoughts that continuously run through my head are never happy ones. It’s exhausting. I replay every negative, horrendous thing ever said or done to me. Then there are the “what ifs” which are not any better. The future is also scary. My dad is 74 on June 5th, his health isn’t great and I’m frightened. Without my Dad I will have no one. I don’t want to be alone. It’s hard for me to make friends.

I sometimes wonder if I only stay sober for my Dad. I’m not sure I would be if he wasn’t here and that scares me.

The recent suicide of a person I found to be talented, beautiful and mesmerizing has left me feeling so much I don’t know what to do with all of it.

I’m angry at people talking about things they know nothing about including so called “Doctors” and “Celebrities”.

I’m angry at his significant other for blaming a medication when it has nothing to do with medication but things that were there all along for years that he said himself.

I’m confused about the act itself. Is it selfish when you are in constant pain that can’t be taken away by any known medical method? And yes I will say Holistic also.

This is my case.

QUOTE: “You’re happy with your life, everything’s going well, things are exciting- when all of a sudden you realize you’re unhappy in the extreme, to the point of being really, really, scared. There’s no particular event you can pin the feeling down to, it’s just that you realize one day that everything in your life is fucked”~Rolling Stone Magazine

QUOTE: “I think that I always struggled with depression and isolation”~ Rolling Stone

Admitted he used alcohol into his late thirties, started at the age of 12.

I’m not a doctor but for me there are clear signs of a mood disorder with the highs and lows, depression, isolation, and self medicating with alcohol. It probably started early in his teens.

ANXIETY

Anxiety can be so debilitating it changes your entire life. I have General Anxiety Disorder and Social Phobia/Anxiety that I’ve lived with since I was very young. I would throw up or dry heave every single day before school. Living with a constant roller coaster in your stomach is torture. I had an ulcer at 18. I used alcohol to take away the anxiety not knowing that as the alcohol leaves your system your anxiety will come back only 5 times worse. The cure? Drink more.

I was given medications throughout the years that never worked. Antidepressants and medications like Buspar which is specific for anxiety. None of them worked. I wasn’t diagnosed as Bipolar yet either. When I was diagnosed Bipolar the Doctor understood that I was self medicating with alcohol and I had been sober for almost a year when he prescribed Ativan at first the later switched me to Klonopin. It was life changing.

FDA INFORMATION

This is the most recent information from the FDA concerning Benzodiazepines and Antidepressants. Pay close attention to the wording because it’s important.

BENZODIAZEPINES

Benzodiazepines are drugs for anxiety that work quickly.

They can worsen cases of pre-existing depression and may potentially lead to treatment resistant depression. They can also cause emotional blunting/numbness or increased suicidal thoughts/feelings.

ANTIDEPRESSANTS

Antidepressants can make depression worse and also lead to increased risk of actual suicide. The Suicide Risk is greatest during the first two months of treatment.

WORDING

While one says suicidal thoughts/feelings the other says actual suicide. There are no statistics on people who have committed suicide due to the medication they were taking. Either it’s difficult to prove or Pharmaceutical companies are making sure the information isn’t released.

Personally I believe it’s something you have to have been considering for quite some time. Someone who has been in constant emotional pain/hopelessness, feeling empty/guilty or like you don’t belong or deserve what you have takes a toll. When you have to pretend you don’t feel any of these things it only gets worse.

There is no blame, no selfishness, only grief for someone who was in invisible pain or pain that was ignored because our loved ones find it hard to watch or accept. That has to change. It’s difficult for them, I know this. But do they wonder how difficult it is for us knowing the harm we cause not only to ourselves but also to them?

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