Black Hole Sun~Until You’ve Been There

I was reprimanded today for crying over someone I did not know personally. The problem is in a way I did know him. I knew when I heard the news at 7:30 a.m. this morning what had most likely happened.

My sister sent me a text saying she had been crying all morning and we went back and forth a little. She has not talked to me in what for us is a long time. The communication stopped immediately when details were released later today. I knew she would discontinue communication when she learned what I already knew.

The life expectancy of someone with a severe mental illness like Bipolar Disorder is much shorter than the average person. If the person also has an alcohol/drug addiction you can take off a few more years even if they are now sober. I’ve done all the research there is do. I have a thing for statistics and research.

I cry over someone who writes lyrics that explain how I feel or have felt but could never put into words. Some lyricists write like they’ve been in my head or knew me at a specific time. It’s a tell like in poker.

Until you have stood on a roof looking down into a black abyss of pavement thinking “I can’t take this pain, this empty ache in my chest any longer” and you jump, I don’t want to hear your opinion. (I was closer to the ground than I thought and extremely drunk. I chipped a bone in my ankle and some cuts and bruises.)

Until you have had charcoal forced down your throat or your stomach pumped because you swallowed a bottle of painkillers while thinking “I never belonged here. I watch other people live but I don’t understand how. I don’t fit. I wasn’t meant to be.” I don’t want to hear your opinion.

Until you’ve been stitched up for you fourth time because you have no self respect and think you deserve to be treated like garbage I don’t want to hear your opinion.

Until you blow a .36 at the Police Station where you’ve been many times and the men in the room are wondering how you are still functioning and you hear the names they call you and are so humiliated it has gotten this bad you picture doing the unthinkable I don’t want to hear your opinion.

I hope I’ve made it clear that unless you have been in a person’s situation it isn’t gossip or fodder for the media it’s someone’s son, daughter, sister, brother, husband, wife. Remember that and the suffering that goes with it.

To the person who is no longer here. You had empathy, talent, a light inside of you that you probably couldn’t always see, and you made a difference to me. You will be missed.

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5 responses to “Black Hole Sun~Until You’ve Been There

    • My father and sister finds it over dramatic of me to cry over someone I don’t personally know. Neither of them have serious Mental Health issues. I had to use the Thesaurus because I’m running out of words to describe the scoldings and reprimands. Now my twin sister threatens involuntary commitment if the Conversion Disorder I have is triggered badly enough. I cry, rock back and forth, and stutter to the point that it doesn’t sound like actual words just gibberish being repeated. When I eventually exhaust myself I usually don’t remember all of it. It isn’t an easy way to live. Thank you for your kindness.

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    • I’m sorry that they make you feel that way, it only makes you feel worse than you already do and they should be more considerate of that, as well as try to understanding that not everyone is the same, and those who are empaths will take on the pain and suffering of others and feel the grief of a strangers death. Jesus did, so I’m not sure why our society feels that is a weakness (I’m not a Christian I’m just using it as an example) I think we believe someone who is hard and unfeeling is ‘stronger’ and that’s just not true. The true strength is in caring. If they don’t understand that, tell them, if they don’t listen, ignore their judgement it is easier to judge than to just be a good person and YOU are a good person and someone I respect for caring about others. I’m sorry it’s not easy to live like that, and the other things going on. I really hope your family can understand better your struggle and be on your side.

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    • Thank you. I think at some point I have to accept that my sister will never be capable of giving me what I need from her. It hurts because she’s my twin. My father is 74 and ill, if something happens to him I will be completely alone and that frightens me. I always thought she would be there for me. I always watched too many movies. lol I need to find a way of dealing with it all.

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