DO YOU HAVE TO TALK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME?

I admit that I talk about my Mental and Physical Health often. I should probably say that I complain them often. If you have experienced what I have you might do the same. I don’t know.

I do know I take 3 pills in the morning and 4 pills at night for Bipolar Disorder/Conversion Disorder/Anxiety and I’m back to where I started when I was first diagnosed. No one can tell me why.

My kidney function is slowly getting worse. No one can tell me why.

No one can tell me if I am actually getting any of the benefits from my medications or if my kidney function is playing a part in the medications not working.

I now have continuous pain on my right side that feels like a hot sword being plunged through my back into the bottom of my ribs. No one knows why.

I have zero energy to brush my hair or get dressed. The thought of leaving the house frightens me more each day. If I bend my head below a certain level, then lift it, my heart races, I hear blood rushing in my ears and I lose my balance. I have fallen several times. No answers for this either except I have low blood pressure, a low heart rate, and no vitamin D. Supposedly there isn’t anything they can do. The only way for me get vitamin D is to have a procedure similar to chemo because it’s actually Vitamin D resistant Rickets which is an entire different problem. My white blood cell count is already low so they don’t want to do it. I have no clue.

If you had this many problems going on that no one could give you answers to wouldn’t you talk about it to your family? I don’t want them to fix me or give me the answers, I want them to try to understand what one day is like for me. It’s frustrating to feel depressed and sick every single day and have the people you love think that you want to be depressed and sick.

My best friend said to me the other day “D, I normally would never say this but you were happier when you were drinking and that isn’t saying much. But at least you left the house, talked to people, and laughed. I haven’t heard you laugh in about a year.” She was crying at the end. So was I.

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