The last time I went to my Psychiatrist in February, he was visibly frustrated with me. It was obvious he was out of options. He threw names of medications at me that “we” could try. The problem is that they were all chemically related to previous medications I’ve tried.
I couldn’t understand how he thought Trintellix would be that much different than Brintellix. There is a difference, there’s a T instead of a B. How is it that I know the components of these medications and he doesn’t? How is it that he still can’t tell me how Viibryd is broken down in the bodies system and if I’m getting the full benefit of it? Is having 1 kidney and an extremely compromised immune system preventing the antidepressant from reaching my brain? How is it that no one knows? This isn’t curing Cancer or figuring out the molecular structure of a foreign matter we recovered from another planet! (If you believe in such things)
Sorry. So, towards the end of our 12 minutes he suggests that if I’m that miserable “Why don’t I try taking myself off my medication to see what happens”. This kind of pisses me off as everything does these days.
I reached a point a few weeks ago where I didn’t care anymore and started to wean myself off of my meds. I then tried to change Primary Care Doctors. That didn’t go well at all.
People who don’t know me and read on a piece of paper my diagnoses tend to assume that I am less than intelligent. This is a poor mistake on their part. If from the beginning you talk to me like I am a child or I can’t hear you than we are going to have a problem. If you don’t listen to what I have to say and dismiss me we are going to have a bigger problem.
Conversion Disorder and Bipolar Disorder can work in mysterious ways. There are times where I will be so frightened I will curl up in the fetal position rocking my body back and forth while crying uncontrollably for hours. Time stops during these episodes. Then there are times where a red veil of rage clouds my eyes. I spew out whatever is in my head and I often don’t remember what I’ve said I usually find myself curled up crying knowing that I was out of control but that’s about it.
I WANT TO BE VERY CLEAR. I HAVE NEVER PHYSICALLY HURT ANYONE DURING THESE EPISODES THEY ARE ONLY EPISODES OF SAYING WHAT’S ON MY MIND WHICH I NEVER DO AND STICKING UP FOR MYSELF WHICH I NEVER DO.
It isn’t easy living like this and I have tried so many Doctors, medications, therapy, ECT, you name it without much relief. Now it’s different because my physical health is being compromised. I can’t travel, I have no energy for anything. All I know is that my Blood Pressure is really low. You think the Primary Care Doctor could’ve started with that? Bloodwork? A urine test? Nope. So plan B is to have my stents changed which the Primary Care Doctor couldn’t understand why I had stents in the first place.
She insisted that I must have had “Kidney Stones”. I said “No, I didn’t have Kidney Stones. Most people with Kidney Stones do not get Bilateral Ureteral Thickening like I have.” She didn’t like my answer. She saw on my chart that I had a Hematologist and asked “Why do you need a Hematologist?” I told her that my White Blood Cell Count was extremely low years ago so I was sent to him and he found a lot of abnormalities that usually go with Celiac Disease and when I went into Kidney Failure they were trying to rule out a specific disease that involves a genetic sequence so he also worked on that. I couldn’t understand why the more I spoke the more she looked like she smelled shit.
If I said Black she came back with White. After 20 minutes of this and my stutter becoming worse and worse I had enough. I remember standing and telling her that this was the end of our appointment. She told me I had to wait to do an Exit interview/paperwork. I said “This is my Exit”. And I walked out. This is what a degree from Harvard and an internship at one of the most prestigious Hospitals has gotten me. The second Doctor to treat me like garbage with the same credentials.
I don’t understand why it’s so hard. This Doctor’s nurse had more empathy and human kindness than anyone I’ve met in a long time. Why is it so hard to find that? Are Doctor’s sick of seeing Mentally Ill patients? Or is it patients that actually have a clue about their own care? I know there are Doctors that dislike patients who go on the Internet and learn about what their illness. But guess what? I’d be dead if I didn’t learn what I could and be my own advocate. No one is going to fight for this “crazy” person’s life except me.
Just some new earrings I made.