Why I Connected With “Manchester By The Sea”

Manchester By The Sea was a movie that stayed with me for days. We all have our own ways of coping or not coping with grief and trauma.

I’ve come to realize that I deal with both differently than the majority of most people. Whether it’s because I’m Bipolar or because I have Conversion Disorder, I’m not sure.

I’m tired of apologizing for my emotions. That I do know.

I’m also tired of apologizing for saying “I’m Bipolar” instead of saying “I have Bipolar Disorder”. Bipolar Disorder is about your moods and emotions, to me those are things that kind of influence who you are. It doesn’t necessarily define all of who you are but it does impact some of who you are.  If you disagree that’s okay but you don’t have to keep bashing me over the head with your arguments about why I’m wrong. Got it?

I’ve had to deal with a lot of pain, grief, trauma, guilt, and isolation in 44 years. Some of it I don’t remember and some of it is as vivid as a movie playing in my head. Those are the days that hurt the most. Those are the days I wish I felt nothing and I scream into a towel for as long as I can.

I know all about punishing yourself for something you believe you are responsible for. I do it daily. I’ve hurt my family and some other people so much over the years when I was drinking and even when I stopped. I think I could’ve done more for my mom before she died. When I play back that night I think of all the things I should’ve done. Some of them would’ve landed me in jail but it would have been worth it to wipe the smiles off their faces.

I constantly think I annoy everyone around me and walk on eggshells with every interaction. I say “I’m sorry” about 20 times in one phone conversation with my sister because I’m afraid she will stop talking to me.

I’ve started isolating myself more and more each year so I’ll be use to it when the time comes. I rarely leave the house now. It’s better this way. It won’t hurt as much when I’m completely alone. Someone asked if I was being dramatic. I said “You don’t know my family”.


9 responses to “Why I Connected With “Manchester By The Sea”

    • Recognizing I can sometimes do. It’s usually after the fact. I can rationalize and recognize all I want but all it takes is a smell, a sound, a glimpse of a ladybug or a guy with long black hair and a leather jacket and anything rational disappears. Fight or flight takes over or I freeze like a deer caught in the headlights. I actually never know what my reaction will be, that’s the scary part. Autocorrect! I laugh at that and some of the words it tries to predict I’m going to use. I forget what I was trying to text to my sister but “cockfight” came up instead! lol

      Liked by 1 person

    • Lmao, you are a gem. I needed that laugh. I’m descending into the wormhole. I haven’t done that in a long time. My meds are supposed to prevent that

      Liked by 1 person

    • The only meds that are working for me right now are Adderall and Klonopin because they’re fast acting nothing else has a chance to go through my system and reach my brain. But new Doctor on March 8th!

      Liked by 1 person

    • Don’t get too excited! I haven’t been yet! But I know have some physical things going on that might be more serious than I’ve wanted to find out about. I can’t ignore them anymore. I want to travel and do a few more things. I still haven’t met Steven Tyler!

      Liked by 1 person

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