WHAT IT’S LIKE TO HAVE CONVERSION DISORDER

Not long after I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, my Psychiatrist noticed my hand tremors. I told him that I had been diagnosed with Essential Tremors. He was skeptical. When the stuttering started he sent me to a Doctor who specializes in Movement Disorders and was also a Neurologist. He put me through a series of tests, each one causing my tremors and stutter to worsen as we went along. He was happy about this. It confirmed his suspicion that I had a “real” case of Conversion Disorder.

When your brain can’t deal with an event or memory it will hide it from you. But it has to manifest somehow. Some people have seizures or paralysis, I had a more difficult type to treat, tremors and stuttering. For some reason when people are told they have Conversion Disorder it usually stops. It will come back under stress now and then. Not with the type I have, it’s always there waiting.

Before anyone asks, yes I’ve had a second and third opinion. They all agreed.

I never know what will set it off. Sometimes it’s a small incident and I can move through it. Sometimes it isn’t.

The first big incident was at my sister’s house a few years ago. Our relationship hasn’t been the same since. We were on her couch talking about our Dad and what to do about him. My brother in law had recently stopped drinking and was attending AA. He was on the couch opposite us. I noticed he was anxious and moving around too much. I didn’t say anything.

In the middle of my conversation with my sister he jumped up from the couch and yelled at me “Have you ever taken responsibility for anything you’ve done in your life?”. I was surprised and angry at the same time. I responded in a normal voice “Gee, Terry have you?”. That’s when he screamed for me to “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HIS HOUSE!”. I stood up because I wasn’t comfortable with him standing over me while he was yelling. When I stood up he repeated for me to “GET THE FUCK OUT NOW!”. Only this time one arm was pulled back and I noticed his hand was in a fist. This caused a serious red flag reaction. I was back in the old days feeling threatened and no one was ever going to hit me again. I exchanged words with him and my sister finally got in the middle of us and told me to just go. I didn’t have my car. She had picked me up. I don’t remember much after that. I know I was walking on the highway in the rain. I don’t know for how long. My sister eventually found me and got me in her car.

She said we sat in her driveway while I was curled up in the seat stuttering, crying, and rocking back and forth. She couldn’t understand what I was saying. My Dad came and they both had to put me in his truck. I don’t remember the ride home. I spent the next 2 days in bed. I didn’t eat or drink. My Dad wanted to take me to the Hospital but I wouldn’t go.

The only thing my brother in law ever said was “I’m sorry. I forgot I have to be careful when I talk to people like you”. My sister never said a word. After that I wasn’t really invited over much anymore. I miss my nephews but I don’t want to scare them. I think that’s what my twin sister is afraid of. It hurts more than anything to know that the people you love the most don’t have your back or are maybe even afraid of you.

I only have my Dad now. The other incident involves my niece and I don’t really want to talk about that. She called me a loser and said some stuff about my mom not loving me as much as I thought she did. There was worse than that but if I open that can of worms I’ll lose another 2 to 3 days over it. She isn’t worth it.

I know my mom loved me. I know my Dad loves me. I know because I’m the only who stayed to help them out. I caused problems but I also gave them all of my love.