YOU TOLD ME ALREADY!

I forget what I’ve already said to people. I shouldn’t considering I only talk to my twin sister and my Dad. The problem is the conversations with my sister are usually texts and when I actually get her on the phone it’s been awhile. I become over excited and rush to say everything I can before she tells me she has to go. She then gets angry and says that I only talk about myself and never listen to her problems. I’ve told her a million times that she has to stop me and just politely say “Can I tell you what happened to me?”. I’ll understand. But she would rather yell at me.

This happened this morning. I knew I called her too early. I can’t really talk to anyone until after 9:30 for some reason. Maybe it’s my medication but I’m pretty bad when I first wake up and I don’t improve until after 9:30. Of course the subject of Doctors came up and she asked if I found a new Psychiatrist or considered Therapy again so I can gain better “coping” skills. The conversation went downhill from there. She said that she doesn’t believe I have no control over what I say and think. She believes that I can control the loop of thoughts and memories in my head if I really wanted to. She doesn’t believe that I am “medication resistant” or that my Bipolar is harder to treat than anyone else’s.

I was crying and stuttering. The more I tried not to the worse it became. I was angry and sad. I told her I didn’t want to lose her. She told me I was stupid but if I continued the way I was she didn’t know what would happen. Supposedly I “upset” her every time we talk and our conversations leave her nauseous.

I can’t say that I felt too great after speaking with her either. As a matter of fact I was looking for the closest sharp object. Then I was filled with anger.

She has never really listened to what I’ve been through. She doesn’t want to know. Maybe I keep repeating past events hoping one day she’ll hear what I’ve been through. But she won’t. I have to accept that. She’s been the same person for 44 years she isn’t going to change. When my dad found out he was in Kidney Failure and headed towards dialysis I immediately offered one of my kidneys. My Dad has too much pride and refused at first but said he would think about it. My sister never offered. He deteriorated too fast and had to go on Dialysis, then in a weird twist of fate I went into Kidney Failure and lost my right kidney. (My sister never offered me a kidney either. I didn’t need one but she didn’t know that. My best friend offered though.) My dad has brought up the idea of a kidney transplant recently but he’s 73 so I’m not sure how that works. There isn’t anyone else in the family able to do it except for my sister who doesn’t work and is healthy enough to do it but won’t. Sorry, but this pisses me off. It also reminds me that she’s selfish and doesn’t appreciate anything.

My Dad gets upset when I try to talk to him about my sister. I’m not sure too many people know what it feels like to have your twin sister act embarrassed by you. This started at an early age. I know she said that she wanted us to have separate friends and be are own “person”. She went out of her way with this idea. Banning me from parties and going to the same places that she went with her friends is a little much. She also was ashamed of our parents and our house. My parents didn’t know this but she was very vocal about it when they were not around.

We weren’t exactly poor but my parents worked hard to own their house and were not able to really save much money. I would say we were lower middle class. I had money for things I wanted because I started working at 14.

When it came time for my sister’s wedding she was pissed that they could only afford to give her $10,000 and pay for her dress which was $1,500. I wanted to slap her. They wanted my parents to pay for an open bar and for private security for a few of the guests that needed it. WTF??!! Both of my parents were alcoholics who had been sober for 30 years, there was no way they were paying for an open bar. Private security for people who have more money than my entire family combined? Don’t think so. Then my sister told my mom she didn’t want any of my mom’s side of the family invited to the wedding. My mom loves to show off her kids and she loves her brothers and sisters. It hurt her immensely to hear this. I think my Dad actually talked to my sister because she changed her mind fast.

Then the last insult. My dad spent months building a Treasure Chest made of Oak and was Gold Plated. He did all of the carving by hand, there were sail boats and the ocean, he did the welding and the gold plating. The chest was where the guests would put their envelopes and then was meant to be kept as memento. It was beautiful. Until they ran through their Honeymoon money too fast, couldn’t find the key to the Chest and decided to smash it to pieces.

When said to her “I don’t want to lose you” and her reply was “I don’t know, it’s too much talking to you, I’m anxious and sick to my stomach for the rest of the day after. You have to get more help and Therapy or this isn’t going to work.”.

I don’t respond well to ultimatums. Do I think my Doctors are doing their best? No, I don’t. But it would be nice to have support for a change.

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7 responses to “YOU TOLD ME ALREADY!

  1. Oh sweetheart I’m so sorry that you go through this shit. I wish I could make things better for you. But know that I am out here, that I cAre about you and what you are going through. You are lovely just the way you are. Imperfectly perfect

    Liked by 1 person

    • Darie73 hello and nice to meet you – I’m new to this stuff online so bare with any technical stuff that go wrong 🙂 I felt the need to reply out of just being a person / human being – mental health I do know a little about through personal and professional experiences. My partner lives with bi polar , a Road we travel together ! What type : bi polar is it – just interest as my partner has influince of Borge type 1+11

      Liked by 2 people

    • I’m not really sure of my diagnosis. I was diagnosed with Bipolar I at the beginning then it was changed to Bipolar Unspecified, and about a year ago changed again to Bipolar II. Your symptoms can change due to aging and hormones but I’ve never been fully evaluated except for the Conversion Disorder. I did go through menopause very early (38) so could have changed some things. The problem is getting a Doctor to listen.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Heya – nothing you’ve said is a shock to me sadly ! Mental health is the general area of taboo by most of the medical professionals – I work in that area with people and also my friends and partners day at the doctors is a well familiar response – I know more about mental health than doctors and not because I’m a smart ass but it’s my job ! Doctors and mental Heath understanding is a wider problem than an explained one .. docs treat medical issues , trained on medical prognosis ,mental health isn’t a medical solution or tick a box crap mentality , a bugbare of mine 🙂 tick a box equals giving you a label that then is defined what and who you are ! Bull. Behaviour and symptoms are the lengthy process doctors don’t do and not experienced in resources , funding and policy’s are the root problems Sara

      Liked by 1 person

    • I also know more than most of the Doctors I’ve seen. On my mother’s side alone there are 12 mentally ill in the immediate family. Schizophrenia and Bipolar Disorder. I’ve lived around it my entire life. I’m tired of having the newest free sample pushed at me that I know won’t work because it has similar ingredients and is almost exactly like the last one I was given but has T at the beginning instead of a B. It’s frustrating. Plus not one single doctor can tell me if my meds are being effected by the fact that I lost a kidney last year!

      Liked by 1 person

    • Like wise – the only consistent fotce in my life has been mental health in some form or another ..I experienced it personally with post natal depression I had , un diagnosed until I started to question my mad little behaviours to be more than experiencing mother hood stuff.. directly at age 12 with my dad committing suicide after being diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia ! I am freatful that it’s a subject in my life that’s been a part of me both personal and professional.. your sitchuation though , by my standards are concerning – not sure what area of the country your in but reading your posts and what’s an obvious root cause emotionally based , the family shit alone would justify as a risk assessment putting you at the H end – high risk! I’m not sure who is in your corner in your life but I do know that you are entitled to options that’s not usually shared to people freely.. Facts are: Doctor has a legal obligation that’s duty of care to all patients under his care / same as hospitals or social services equally are services for the social health and overall wellbeing of us all in society ! Legally obligated. Your doctor is not serving his legal obligation just by not knowing or testing the affects of pills you take -symptoms as well as side affects will be a giving but how the hell are you meant to know how it all affects your actual physical health – the area he’s supposed to have answers on- serious mis – conduct of neglect is the legal way of putting it.. your right to ask for a referral to a CBT specialist that deals with mental Heath areas without pills and more the train of thought change therapy – requesting a full care nap assessment you can ask for to,a social worker had to carry out a full investigation of mental and phisacal areas and environment influicies that affect you , and only you ! Again it’s a legal obligation and it’s a legal document so it’s professionally , areas of concern cannot be ignored that way – Any of this or all of this stuff been done for you ?

      Liked by 1 person

    • I have had so much CBT and DBT before being diagnosed and some after with various Therapists that it’s at the point where as soon as they start talking it’s like static or gibberish. Don’t ask me to write where I see myself in 5 years, stuff like that annoys that. If one more person tells me to visualize a stop sign I’m going to hit them with one. My cognitive skills have gotten worse and worse. I do a lot of word grasping, I have trouble remembering the names of everyday objects, I can’t remember the date my mom died. Celiac Disease plays a big part because the kind I have is more cognitive and effects my white blood cells leaving me with things no one my age should have. How many 44 year old women have Vitamin D Resistant Rickets? There isn’t really anything you can do for it either. I’ve been around Social Workers my entire life and refuse to have one. My Aunt and Uncle had Social Workers from early ages. The things I witnessed were horrible. I live with my Dad. I’ve been researching new Doctors. If I don’t take care of the physical first then the mental health part will never improve.

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