“Maybe You Should Go Off Your Meds To See What Happens”

This is what my Psychiatrist suggested today. I think telling a patient with suicidal thoughts (maybe not suicidal but definitely wouldn’t care if I stayed under anesthesia after my next surgery next month) is an awesome idea. Maybe I’m not being honest. It’s not that I want to die, I just don’t want to live. Does that make sense?

When you feel like you have never belonged somewhere you get to a point where you start to think “Why do I bother?” I’ve given up on almost everything I used to do including my appearance. I just don’t care. I don’t fit in. I never have. A magic pill isn’t going to fix that. I’m to tired to try and change myself or pretend anymore.

I have decided that my physical problems probably play a large part in how I am feeling. If my kidney disease has gotten worse this could explain a lot. I also need to be tested for Mono because I was around my sister when she was contagious and shared an ice coffee with her. My immune system is non existent so my chances are good that I could’ve gotten it from her. I haven’t done anything about being in menopause which screws with your hormone levels and can make you feel worse specifically if you are Bipolar.

These are all things I have to do but don’t feel like doing. The anniversary of my mom’s death is the 9th and I have a hard time every year around the anniversary. It wasn’t me who noticed this. Of course it was my family. Sorry for having a hard time because the one person that understood how I felt, the one person who hugged me and told she me she loved me no matter what every single day, the one person who touched my face and told me I was beautiful, is gone forever. I now have no one that does any of these things. Human touch is foreign to me now.

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10 responses to ““Maybe You Should Go Off Your Meds To See What Happens”

  1. I have been there with the not wanting to die yet not wanting to live. I have no doubt the physical stuff you have going on is playing a role in this.

    I see in you through your posts a strong spirit – stronger than you know. Not many people make it out of the things you have been through, BUT YOU DID. You found your way.

    If you think your pdoc’s advice is unwise about the meds, trust your gut. You could talk over with your pdoc why you feel it’s the wrong path for you and find out why she/he is suggesting it. There may be a good reason for it, I don’t know, BUT you know you best.

    You’re stronger than you know. Trust in that. *hugs* ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I wish there were something I could say or do–short of flying to wherever you are and giving you a hug, I could use one as well–but I know you by now, so I will just say that you have fought so hard and for so long that you couldn’t possibly sell yourself down the river now. What would your mother do or say were she with you today? If you can’t do it for yourself, do it in honor of her memory; she would never let you get yourself to this point. Use her for the inspiration to get your ass back on track!

    Liked by 3 people

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