The Sound Of Silence And Reaching Out

One of the first songs I ever heard that for some reason I found myself relating to was Metallica’s “The Unforgiven”. The lyrics touched something in me that at the time I couldn’t describe. I was drinking daily at that time in my life to make myself feel numb to the pain inside and to act normal on the outside. The chorus itself struck me pretty hard.

“What I’ve felt, what I’ve known, never shined through in what I’ve shown. Never Be. Never See. Won’t see what might have been”

Other parts of the song resonated with me also. This will just be random lines from the song that have meaning to me.

“Through constant pained disgrace, the young boy learns their rules. With time the child draws in. Deprived of all his thoughts, the young man struggles on and on he’s known.”

“He tries to please them all. This bitter man he is. Throughout his life the same. He’s battled constantly, this fight he cannot win, a tired man they see no longer cares”

When I was younger I never showed anyone who I was. I tried to never stand out in any way. I was a mediocre student who hid in the back of every class. While drinking I wasn’t the “real” me either. I could’ve done more with my life if it had been possible.

Today I left a message for myempathyblindness best friend telling her I loved her and not to worry, I also said she didn’t have to call me back. I also left a message for my sister saying the same.

My best friend called me back and her first words were “I’m worried. I don’t like how you sounded in your message. What’s going on?”. I didn’t lie this time. I told her that mentally and physically I am not doing well and I’m afraid. She’s known me for 30 years and has seen me after I have tried to hurt myself several times. So even though we don’t talk all the time she has seen first hand more than anyone what I’ve been through. She has been the only one at times to show any empathy or compassion at all. Sometimes I don’t know how she managed to stay with me for so long. I know we had a lot of fun times but the bad times where I scared her would have been enough to drive anyone away.

My sister didn’t respond at all.

 

 

Advertisements

About darie73

I'm a daughter, a sister, and an Aunt. I've worked in the Hair Industry, Jewelry Manufacturing, and Retail Management. I'm also an Alcoholic, diagnosed Bipolar, Conversion Disorder, Anxiety, Celiac Disease, and other health issues. I talk about all of these things as honestly as I can. The stigma, medications, doctors, family problems, support or lack of support. I advocate for people like me, animals, and anyone else who feels like they don't have a voice. These are my opinions, I just ask that readers be respectful. Haven't we all been kicked enough when we are down? It's time to change that. View all posts by darie73

11 responses to “The Sound Of Silence And Reaching Out

  • Rob

    I forgot to tcomment that I love that Metallica song. It says so very much. I hope that this post finds you enduring as well as possible.

    Liked by 1 person

    • darie73

      Baby steps. It’s going to take time and a lot of change (which I absolutely hate) some of my doctors are really dropping the ball and I’m the one suffering for it but I can’t just avoid doctors because a few suck. I actually do want to live. I want to travel and do things I enjoy.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Rob

      I know something will take eventually! Just keep fighting the good fight. You are one of the strongest humans I ever “met” I have tremendous respect for you. Both you, and your writing.

      Liked by 1 person

  • Andi Garcia

    I know what you mean about them lyrics. I won’t lie and say I know what you’re going through but I appreciate you sharing this because it gives me an insight on what is happening or what is going through my sons mind when we don’t understand. I will pray for you. Big hugs to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • darie73

      Thank you. Almost 80% of the time I can’t explain to people in a way that they’ll understand how I feel or what I’ve been through so I use music often. Whenever someone asks me “What is being Bipolar like?” I tell them to find the band Blue October and listen to the lyrics or better yet watch the video for their song “Hate Me”. That is my Bipolar. I didn’t find out until much later that the lead singer is Bipolar and had been in and out of institutions from a young age. Then it made sense why the song connected with me.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Andi Garcia

      You’re welcome. I’m going to have to look that up.
      We knew that my son was bipolar at an early age but his doctor could not diagnose him until he was 17. When he started his medication for it, he seemed much better and to more balanced. When he stopped it was bad. Right now he’s suffering a meth addiction. He’s been clean for a month now and I’m hoping he continues to remain clean but he’s not gotten back on his medication and I can’t do anything because he’s an adult.
      But I’m grateful to have come upon your blog to help me better understand what he goes through. I thank you for that and I’m quite sure your posts do help others get through their days as well.
      But I am going to look up this band. Thanks for sharing that. Much love.

      Liked by 1 person

    • darie73

      Another thing that inspires about Blue October is the lead singer is an addict/Bipolar. You watch through the years as he spirals down and loses more control. He loses custody of his daughter, he loses his wife, the band starts to suffer, his behavior is erratic and then you don’t hear about him for a year. I sobbed for over an hour when I watched their new video “Fear”. He had lost a ton of weight, he looked like an angel on the beach, his song was filled with everything I hoped for someday. He had found a way to stay sober and talked about finding a way of getting back up when you keep falling. He looked so peaceful I just kept crying. I watched over and over the change in him was so remarkable that it would give anyone hope.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Andi Garcia

      Oh wow, we sent at the same time. Yes, my son, for being only 20 has lost everything he ever had. He has a daughter too and doesn’t even know who she is anymore. She’s 3, the last time he saw her she was a year and a half. It’s so sad and thank you again!!! You truly give me hope and understanding for my son. Your struggle has not been in vain, just know that. I know it’s not much, but your testimony has touched my life and i’m sure many others who haven’t said so. Bless you!
      I’ll look for that song though and I’ll look through their videos.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Andi Garcia

      I just listened to that song and omg, instant tears. My son has said to me that he hates being the way he is and for me to hate him and to just let him go but I can’t do that, he’s my son. It’s a battle that I can’t fight for him but I’ll fight next to him even when I’m far away and we don’t speak, I still pray for him. thank you for sharing that song with me. I’m sending it to my daughter too. Thank you!

      Liked by 1 person

    • darie73

      Read the message I just sent!!!!

      Liked by 1 person

    • Andi Garcia

      I just listened to Fear and wow! My son would totally identify with their music. thank you! I’m running through so many emotions right now, but I’m not mad I’m glad that you were able to open that door for me. Again, you have helped me through your struggle and pain. Bless you.

      Liked by 1 person

You must be logged in to post a comment.

%d bloggers like this: